rant: Is it lifestyle creep or keeping up with the Jones?

33 Comments

1. AnonymousJune 16,2022 at 10:04PM UTC

   I hear you. Los Angeles is super expensive and status driven. Thank the entertainment and media tech businesses that are the big employers.

   What you will find is that Los Angeles has a ton of FREE entertainment and food exploration events and film screenings and events of all kinds. Everyone hooks up their tribe.

   You just haven't plugged into the city yet. The place runs on gratis and gift bags. Everyone from the fanciest hotels to restaurants barters. Everyone including dermatologists to caterers builds on good faith.

   It takes some hustle to connect (those Peloton classes are a hotbed of hookups to all sorts of free stuff).

   It will take awhile so hang in there. Spread the love with whatever you can and it will come back 10 fold.

2. AnonymousJune 16,2022 at 11:10PM UTC

   Exactly!!!!!! My sister is a stylist and passes along all her freebies and I use them to feed my pipeline. I haven't paid for a haircut or laker tickets for years.

   Networking is not just for work/jobs...in LA it's for everything. It's part of the community and it's fun.

3. AnonymousJune 17,2022 at 2:18AM UTC

   Yeah … I’ve gotten into some amazing places due to work networking events. And LA networking makes DC seem like poor middle school.

4. AnonymousJune 17,2022 at 11:54AM UTC

   Exactly. I accompanied a friend who had to attend a wellness store opening in LA for her job and we were fed amazing food and drink, listened to great music and walked out with a new yoga outfit, mat and bag of high-end sundries as part of the event. And that was just a Thursday night. This weekend I'm going to dinner (paid for by a vendor at work) and then to a concert with tickets a friend got free from another friend who works for the promoter. This is a pretty common week.

   I don't spend $ on clothes, meals or entertainment. I save my money, live in a small townhouse near the beach and drive a nice hybrid car. I've lived in LA fir 15 years. I've built a varied social network and can usually find a free source for most things.

5. AnonymousJune 16,2022 at 10:38PM UTC

   No one who maintains a mindset of keeping up with the jones is ever sustainably or genuinely happy. You should live your life focus on being the best you not someone else. And there is nothing wrong with aspiring to have the finer things in life. But reality needs to set in where realistic goals are set for what you can achieve to be the best you.

   I don’t understand why you are so focused more outward than inward. In all of your writing, I have not gotten a clear sense of what you want or even what your profession is in so folks can help steer you to professions in their area.

   Get out a journal and start unpacking. So what exactly do you want? Not what everyone else has but Do you know what you want? Was you happier in DC? Did you only move to LA for the pay bump but did not factor in the cost of living expenses? The people that live in LA that live the expensive life are either techies, plastic surgeons or have a unique business niche that helped them generate wealth. For the past couple of years a vast number of the middle class and upper middle class in California did a major exodus to Texas and other areas in the Midwest to get away from the exhorbitant high cost of living. My older sister is a obgyn doctor in San Jose, Cali and even her pay as high as it is, only affords her a middle class lifestyle, not no lambourgini. Yes she drives a Hyundai like everyone else.

   This is a teachable moment to never move to a place until you have fully analyzed the cost of living down to all your basic needs expenses. If you don’t itemize all of your bills on a spreadsheet or some software that allows this capability I recommend you do that now.

   Make a decision today to get your finances under control. Use your time spent living with your parents as an opportunity to save save save to pay down your debt ( consolidate those hideous loans) and to save for a house and or your next move, likely out of LA at some point if you cannot afford the cost of living. Reduce or eliminate unnecessary expenses. Eating out for lunch everyday, spending 10-20 bucks per work week day equals 2400 to 4800 per year on lunch alone. Make your lunch at home and maybe treat yourself on Fridays. Follow the same mantra for every expense. Itemize your spending habits by identifying what do you spend everyday on a given month. Multiply that to see how much you could save in a year. Ask yourself, do your really need that expense? If not eliminate it.

   stop trying to keep up with the jones, focus more on trying get back to independent living and improving your quality of life. Now if you can hunt down a plastic surgeon to give you that fabulous lifestyle, that’s a totally different story.

6. AnonymousJune 17,2022 at 5:11AM UTC

   just an fyi - I do track my expenses and know that my total expenses hasn’t gone up at all. I grew up in the la area before college and one of the driving factor was to move back to be closer to my parents. These were all factors when making the move back and was able to negotiate my salary based on the increase of cost of living in the LA area (excluding the increased inflation or gas prices because it wasn’t as bad when I got my offer). The daily lunches I get at work are subsidized with an on campus cafeteria so it’s never over $10 and it’s a way for me to network with my new company - so it’s worth the money in an effort to make connections. As for being debt free, I am tracking to paying off all my loans and debts (outside of my mortgage) in 6 months at the rate I’ve been going at it (and a key part is the fact that I don’t have to pay for housing in CA currently, but am in the position to if needed).

   As for marrying rich - I’ve dated millionaires and I’ve dated starving artists - I was brought up to earn my own money regardless of my partners’ income status. And his status has no bearing in what my life should be.

   I realize that my life is ‘blessed’ and my issues stem from leaving a strong social and professional network I built in DC vs trying to break into a new one in CA.

   This is a generic rant where I was just looking for a smyapthic shoulder. The tough love route comes off a bit condensing as if I’m a child that doesn’t understand personal finance. I’ve made mistakes, but I’m working on paying them all off.

7. AnonymousJune 17,2022 at 6:27PM UTC

   I hate to tell you, but what you projected in your original post comes across as a young naive person.
   Since we don’t know folks personally on this site, expect others to respond to what you project. Often times post reflect people in desperate situations and sometimes tough love is needed to help shift some mindsets to get folks on track to whatever lifestyle they want to pursue. You made a point about struggling to make ends meet even while living with your parents. Its okay to admit that you are struggling bc we have all been there, but your mindset that seems ultra focused on everyone else but you and a fantasy lifestyle seems counterproductive. Being that it is advice, take it or leave it,

8. AnonymousJune 17,2022 at 9:50PM UTC

   I never made a point that I’m financially struggling. I’m living with my parents due to having a mortgage and having the option to live at my parents who are conveniently located in an insane housing market. Im very lucky that I can save the $4k a month in housing and transportation costs by living with my parents. Which a majority is going towards paying off student loans and some credit card debt.

   I’m not dreaming about a fantasy lifestyle, but more mourning the loss of the one I had in DC.

   And instead of building each other up, you insist on trying to keep me down.

   We don’t know each other, outside of the words we read. But those words still have an effect on each other, regardless of if we take the advice or not.

9. AnonymousJune 17,2022 at 11:54PM UTC

   Your specific choice of words is you are struggling to make ends meet. No dear, no one is trying to tear you down . People come here for advice and it will not always be sugar coated. If you genuinely feel your life is on track, you don’t have to take in the advice. What you wrote and how you wrote it, seems to suggest the opposite.

10. AnonymousJune 16,2022 at 10:55PM UTC

    I moved to LA a few years ago and honestly feel the same as you. As I've spent more time here and actually gotten to know more people I've learned that a lot of people that are driving those Teslas are leasing them and are in debt, and they all bought their Pelotons on the payment plan. A lot of the people that I know that go out a lot are also in debt to do so, or just saving next to nothing.

    There are also a lot of people here who genuinely make a lot of money, come from money, or are married to people who do, but I would say there is a lot of "fake" wealth here, too. I prefer to own my 2 cars outright and have no debt vs. drive a Tesla I pay out the nose to lease, but to each their own.

    It also depends on where you live in LA, I think, and what industry you're in. Sounds like you're with a crowd that is more status driven and living that life! There ARE people here who are more conservative with how they spend their money. Honestly, I live a pretty conservative lifestyle and our annual expenses are still over $100K for me and my family (husband + 3 kids). The housing is definitely the biggest part of that cost, the house we have here would have cost us literally half as much in the Portland, OR we were living in before we came here, but also gas is more expensive, groceries are more expensive, taxes are higher .... it's just plain more expensive here.

    Best of luck finding your tribe! I'm sure they exist here so don't give up!

11. AnonymousJune 17,2022 at 5:13AM UTC

    Thanks. Yeah - I won’t be able to buy anything here without selling my place in DC, which I was lucky enough to grab during the last recession. There’s no way I would be able to afford anything here as a first time home owner in this market.

12. AngieJune 16,2022 at 10:55PM UTC

    Run your own race.

13. AnonymousJune 17,2022 at 5:24AM UTC

    Working on it … but it’s been hard for whatever reason on this coast vs. the east coast.

14. AnonymousJune 16,2022 at 11:03PM UTC

    As a transplant myself I can agree with the two other posts. And I can say there are many of us here with just one car or no car. And that said car is paid off and old. The prices here have always been high and the rising interest rates are not helping. But I came from NYC so everything has always seemed cheaper to me. Though I do take advantage of the hundreds of free activities that are year round. Going outside year round in the sun is wonderful. And my gosh you own a home, something that will never happen for me unless I move to the midwest with the many other Los Angelenos. I say get on that roadbike and ride! There are many fellow bicyclers in this city and lots of bicycle paths and events.

15. AnonymousJune 17,2022 at 5:15AM UTC

    Yeah - I miss having friend to go on bike rides on the weekends and I just have to figure out where the free events are. I should subscribe to the LA Times for their weekend edition or if you have any websites/blogs/ig accounts that lists local events, I would be grateful!

16. AnonymousJune 17,2022 at 7:20PM UTC

    Timeout LA and a free bike event is CICLAVIA. There are a lot more events, but it depends on what part of the city you are in or want to travel too. Meetup and Facebook groups are great places to find out what is happening.

17. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistJune 17,2022 at 12:18AM UTC

    Please don't pay attention to Glassdoor.

18. AnonymousJune 17,2022 at 5:23AM UTC

    I acknowledge that this was a rant. But thanks for minimizing my issues and making me feel even worse. I’ve never said my issues are bigger or worse that those without jobs or suffering other personal issues. But telling me to just be grateful for what’s making me currently miserable is absolutely unhelpful.

    And yes, I am lucky enough to be able to afford therapy. But I’ve had a lot of personal issues that have led me to be this unhappy with my life and isolated enough that I don’t have friends to be able to bounce my current thoughts with.

    So apologies for my ‘whiny’ and #firstworld

19. AnonymousJune 18,2022 at 12:01AM UTC

    I’m looking at all the comments here and it is clear you seem to be hurt. No one here is intentionally trying to hurt or berate you. Understand that many of us might have been where you are and are only trying to help. There are some folks who will give you the pretty bow tie response and others that will be blunt in hopes that it will help get you on a trajectory that will lead you back to your happiness. Please use this time for reflection rather than get upset. Everyone here is genuinely just trying to help everyone else based on their experiences. Try to learn what you can. Take what resonates with you and dismiss what does not,

20. AnonymousJune 18,2022 at 7:03PM UTC

    You are whiny if you think people are minimizing your issues. I live in LA, it's expensive, some people have money and some don't. If you have it you can lose it in an instant, the same goes for the other way around.

    Grow up and get a life.

21. AnonymousJune 17,2022 at 10:11AM UTC

    Maintain your own lifestyle. As another poster mentioned, cars can be leased, appearances are not what they seem. Many people are often one check away from a financial crisis. LA is a flashy place. That doesn't mean everyone can actually afford the lifestyle they portray

22. AnonymousJune 17,2022 at 2:38PM UTC

    You're living in a place where a greater emphasis is put on appearances than substance. (I have love ones living out there and they've commented on it or succumbed to it because it fit in with how they see themselves.) It also takes time to acclimate to a new culture. Your tribe is there, you just haven't found them yet. Don't overspend to impress people whose inner lives don't match their outer ones. Stay true to you.

23. Coach Nancie Kay ShumanJune 19,2022 at 7:41PM UTC

    I have lived here for the last 30 years, grew up in Nebraska and lived in DC for a while. I have to tell you, it's the same everywhere. The difference, in my opinion, is that because we have no seasons, and because of the influence of the entertainment industry, time feels both slower and faster. And that can contribute to the perception of style over substance.

    As I said before, most of us are happy living a life which you would recognize in Lincoln, Nebraska or other places. Go to work, pay our taxes, raise our families. We just happen to make 2 - 5 times the money and pay a higher mortgage.

24. Julie HumbirdJune 17,2022 at 3:16PM UTC

    As a former Californian, I suggest you seek out the places you feel are your speed.
    Maybe its the YMCA, funky coffee shop, book store or public Library. Many places post their events on fliers in-house. You may want to browse Meetup for events to network/make friends. Jambase will show you local music events. Look at Nextdoor and local Facebook groups for events. I know how lonely relocation can be. Good luck!

25. AnonymousJune 17,2022 at 3:54PM UTC

    I agree with the other posts.

    Stop trying to compare yourself and keep your lifestyle up with other people as you will never be genuinely happy in the long run. Just be you. You make really good money, get to live with your parents who you should be fortunate are still alive and doing well, and you paid off a car so you no longer have that debt. Once your home sells you will eliminate that debt and might earn something on it depending on how much you owe if anything. But you do live in an expensive area and money isn't everything. I live in rural Pennsylvania and have never made six figures yet I own my own home with property and have an almost brand new car paid off. Where I live prices are a lot cheaper and I don't have ridiculous expenses. I do free online workouts and don't eat out often. But those fake rich tesla driving peleton people are everywhere even in rural pa and the ones I know aren't making six figures and aren't rich. They just have good enough credit they are able to keep taking out loans to keep paying on stuff digging themselves into further and further debt. Most of them are one paycheck away from filing bankruptcy.

26. AnonymousJune 18,2022 at 6:27PM UTC

    It also gets cold where you live. Lets not forget the allure of living in a sunshine state vs suffering cold weather and brrrr snow brrrr

27. AnonymousJune 19,2022 at 12:49AM UTC

    Yes our winters are cold but honestly they aren't as bad as they used to be.
    We do have 5 months of warm weather but we will never have to worry about a wildfire or an earthquake. Just the occasional over hyped thunderstorm. But everywhere has its issues whether it be weather, high cost of living, etc.

28. genJune 18,2022 at 12:20AM UTC

    As someone who lived in LA for 10 years, I've watched it transform quickly. Depending on the part of the city you live you will encounter a lot of folks who live very cushy lifestyles. I agree with others, I wouldn't spend much time focusing on comparisons because LA attracts a lot of different folks who happen to come from money, global citizens, or are well networked and spend time with people who have an affluent lifestyle. It's also a very large economy so lot of attractive and well to do folks flock there (with money). Also, lot of the younger crowds use credit cards for everything ;) I wouldn't be intimidated. It'll take time to find folks you jive with. The upside is now you can experience what that lifestyle is like in that type of city, it's very unique. Enjoy the food!

29. AnonymousJune 18,2022 at 2:33PM UTC

    When you don’t live where you feel like you fit in, it’s always difficult, and I am sorry that you are going through this.

    It’s a tough adjustment. And I can hardly think of two markets that are more different than LA and DC. Once upon a time, we met people out; however, now, it seems even when out, people just stare at their phones, and it can be hard to make a connection.

    What was your full motivation for moving? Did you take this job for the money only? Did you take it to spend more time with your family?

    Anytime you move, it takes some time to get into your new groove and meet new friends. Work is only one source of possible friendships. These people are all in it for the money. It seems that your DC friends had different values, values that better aligned with your own. It’ll take some time and some effort, but you’ll find your crowd in CA, too.

    What is your long-term plan? Instead of selling, have you considered renting out your DC place so that you have the option of a home to go back to? After spending a few years of paying down your debt in LA, you could relocate again back to the East Coast… It seems that if you wanted to sell your DC place, you could have already done so…so maybe you want to go back?

    Good luck with your new city! And to finding a group of friends that are relatable to what is important to you.

30. AnonymousJune 18,2022 at 2:48PM UTC

    I’m a native Angeleno and I can tell you a lot of people live beyond their means, especially in the car department. I can also tell you a lot of people get financial help from their family, by way of inheritance, allowance, or even just flat-out buying (or contributing a huge chunk of money towards) their homes. An example, one guy I know is a small retail store manager, yet lives in a $1.5MM home and has three new cars…he also receives the rental income from his dad’s rental properties. Another guy I know gets a monthly “salary” from his dad’s company, yet the son doesn’t even work there. Point is the same as what others are saying basically…just don’t compare because things truly aren’t always what they seem and most won’t be forthcoming with their real financial situation.

31. AnonymousJune 18,2022 at 6:47PM UTC

    I used to live in L.A., including when I was in grad school surviving on $8K a year (in the late 80's). I rode my bike almost everywhere to save $ on gas.

    What you see among the status conscious crowd there is the surface image they have created. More people in So CA than in most other places tend to leverage themselves financially in order to maintain that image. The mortgages, car loans, credit card balances, etc. Most of my friends who still live there will never pay off their mortgages.

    However, L.A. is a tremendously diverse place. Your "crowd" is out there somewhere. It has a big cycling community - maybe that is a place to start? I used to love riding my bike on the pathways by the beaches.

    How about taking some community classes in your areas of interest? One of the good things about L.A. is you can find everything and anything there.

32. BeaBoss979975June 18,2022 at 8:57PM UTC

    It has been my experience that it takes at least 2 whole years to feel at home in a new city. Be patient and look for those whose values align with yours. Hang in there!

33. Coach Nancie Kay ShumanJune 19,2022 at 2:38AM UTC

    There has always been part of LA which was all about keeping up with the Jones. But most of us are happy to be driving a Subaru and living in Hawthorne or Culver City. I take the bus to work 4 days a week and carry my lunch. This is the norm where I work.

    But I have to say, when I lived in DC, I had the same experience you are having in LA. It simply took time for me to find my niche.