I share a space with a co-worker who has some challenging stress coping mechanisms.

Anonymous

March 29,2022 at 9:53AM UTC

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I share a space with a co-worker who has some challenging stress coping mechanisms.

I share space with her, but I try to go to other co-workers with any questions I may have if given the opportunity. There are times when asking a work-related question about a situation I haven't encountered before (I've worked on the job for just over a year), triggers her to go in the hallway and throw up her hands and declare how "people are getting on (her) nerves" and how she needs a vacation.

She doesn't spare other peoples' feelings. They don't seem to be on her radar. If anything, she says she "tells it like it is" but - seemingly without any reflection on how other people feel. I believe she's aware of people's feelings, but does not care.

She says openly that she has mental health issues. Personally, that's not my business - but I struggle because I feel that in having behaved passively, it perpetuates behaviors that could influence how others perceive me.

I also feel a mis-trust about how she could affect my relationships with others in the office because her very public frustration most likely boils over in coworker conversations.

I hope that others can get to know me, but when I tried to join in a conversation her friend had at our doorway, her friend told me, "I was talking to (her name)." Tone was clearly "I wasn't talking to you" (followed by a smug smile towards my co-worker). It wasn't what I thought to be a sensitive or personal conversation. I got the message loud and clear.

I ignore a whole lot, but I feel there is damage being done. How much do you ignore and when do you say something... and what would you say?

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PatriciaMarch 29,2022 at 10:29AM UTC
The problem could be symptomatic of a dysfunctional workplace that tolerates abuse and bullying. They both sound childish. Are there people in the company who are approachable and fair-minded that you could associate with and perhaps avoid these two? How do other colleagues treat you?
AnonymousApril 2,2022 at 2:49PM UTC
The challenge of my workplace is that most co-workers keep their office doors closed to reduce distraction from announcements.
That said, I think other co-workers likely have a positive opinion of me. If an opportunity arises to help someone out, I try to support them. I wish there were more opportunities for getting to know people better, but I believe that will come in time. I began working there at the end of February last year.
I have heard that it's best not to rely on management in this organization. But - my office is next to the director's office. She is new on staff and seems very professional. I expect that she has opinions on behavior she's seen.
I love my position and am passionate about what I do. I try to stay focused on the meaning I find in my job. Having lost a previous job during the pandemic (a long-time position of many years), I fear how anything I may do with the best of intentions other than "wait it out" could backfire on me.
But it is unfair that this individual has already had influence on how at least one co-worker perceives me.
I hope most people think for themselves and recognize that the person who is doing the most talking is not the most reliable source.
AnonymousMarch 29,2022 at 10:58AM UTC
She's toxic. She hates her job. She's unhappy. Get a different cubicle. You'll catch whatever she has...She's George Constanza from Seinfeld...and her approach is effective. It gets everyone else to walk on eggshells. Keep track of these ongoing outbursts, and report the behavior to HR.
Kelly HammerMarch 30,2022 at 2:52PM UTC
I believe that the appropriate words to use to describe the situation to HR is "Hostile Work Environment". That is what the company has allowed her to create. This is a problem
AnonymousMarch 30,2022 at 8:55PM UTC
Bingo.
KellyMarch 29,2022 at 11:17AM UTC
This kind of behavior should not be allowed in the workplace for any reason. I agree with the other post, it’s time to start recording the dates and times that these comments and outburst happen.
continue to be as simple as and positive as possible. And have as little contact as possible. If there’s anyone else at all via email or chat that you can ask a question of instead of us person do so.
Also, you deserve to have a better work environment.
Theresa BlackburnMarch 29,2022 at 12:17PM UTC
This sounds like a really tough situation. How big is your company? Do you work for a large corporation? If you do, then you can go to HR. You are very diplomatic and that is wonderful! You can use your diplomatic skills to enlist help from HR, if you are at a large corporation. If you are at small company with a tiny HR department then you will need to resort to another strategy. I would say you need to move out of that cubicle as soon as possible. Best of luck extricating yourself smoothly and quickly from this space!
AnonymousMarch 29,2022 at 12:51PM UTC
Can you request to be moved and explain the situation and how it's impacting you?
AnonymousMarch 29,2022 at 12:57PM UTC
Next time her snarky friend shows up and wants to shut you down, you tell her, "You're standing at the door of my office and I have ears. If you want a private conversation, please go elsewhere." Don't let her bully you.
They both sound like mean girls and the only thing they'll understand is assertiveness. It won't change them, but it will begin to draw some boundaries. And telling others one has mental health issues is not a license to verbally abuse or intimidate someone else. Or expect everyone to genuflect to the office Drama Queen when she is unhappy. She needs to take action to protect herself from the situation if it's that bad.
I agree with a previous poster about documenting things and potentially going to your boss or HR if needed, but I'd have a closed-door conversation with your space-sharing co-worker first.
Perhaps something along these lines? "You've said that you struggle with mental health issues and I respect that. That's your business and I wish the best for you as you manage that burden. Having stated that, what you may not realize is that every time you have an outburst and storm into the hall with comments about how others get on your nerves, it impacts MY mental health. If you need a vacation to get away from the stresses of the job, I hope you will consider taking one. My expectation is that these reactions will stop so that our space can be peaceful for both of us. I won't be using you as a resource any longer and I'll ask [boss] for other ways to get my questions answered."
That way she knows that your boss will be aware of her outbursts and unwillingness to help. Don't let her bully you. Don't allow her to extend the conversation and blame you for things. She'll try. Just look at her and say, "I'm done talking about this now. I needed you to know my feelings and boundaries as an equal occupant of this space and I've shared them." Then turn away and keep working.
Then, I wouldn't ask her another question. Ever. I'd find other resources (talk to your boss.) Document every time she does this from now on. Document every time the other mean girl says snarky things to you and do what you need to do. I'd also start looking for another role where you don't need to walk on eggshells around someone whose issues sound more like a love of drama and the idea that she is an essential but long-suffering member of the team than anything. We all have mental health needs. We can all sympathize or empathize with those who are struggling. We do not all expect others to pay homage to it in every moment.
Good luck!
AnonymousMarch 29,2022 at 11:13PM UTC
Your colleague is behaving unprofessionally at best and her mental health issues are not your problem to resolve.
Other than trying to befriend your difficult colleague — can gentle humor help? — is there any way that your seating can be changed, or could additional screening and/or soundproofing be put up between your and your colleague’s space for additional privacy?
You might want to consult HR/your manager to see what can be done.
In addition, track her outbursts so that you can document how her behavior affects your productivity.
Michele Weber McCallMarch 29,2022 at 11:59PM UTC
Get out of there! Mental health issues are not an excuse for poor behavior.
AnonymousApril 5,2022 at 9:53AM UTC
This is happening with me now and I’m putting my notice in. I was there first but she is patronizing and I hope it bites her back two fold. She’s insecure. But it’s not something I will put up with. I would calmly say “I’m aware” when someone talks to you like that so they know how they come off. Don’t make it look like it bothers you either.