I had an interaction with a colleague I can't stop thinking about - am I really the b-word?

50 Comments

1. AnonymousJuly 5,2023 at 2:21PM UTC

   You did the right thing in challenging him - in front of his team. This isn’t about you, and you shouldn’t make it that. It’s about the unchecked inappropriate statements by this team member. A good talk with your HR team is in order to understand what options there are in this situation. At minimum this employee needs to be counseled, or warned that this isn’t appropriate. Hopefully they are able to learn from it and move on.

2. AnonymousJuly 5,2023 at 3:00PM UTC

   His name isn’t “Michael Scott” by any chance, is it? I would expect such an idiotic statement to come out of his mouth, but hopefully the rest of your colleagues at work didn’t come from “The Office.” This guy sounds like a crass fellow. Ugh. Good luck with him! Document document document!!

3. AnonymousJuly 5,2023 at 3:36PM UTC

   Dead lol (sorry none helpful comment, its just the the "Michael Scott" for me.

4. LadeybuggJuly 7,2023 at 1:00PM UTC

   Same… Michael is one of the cringiest characters ever! He’s a walking “what not to do” instruction manual.

5. AnonymousJuly 5,2023 at 3:38PM UTC

   I suggest harassment training and sending him your employee handbook or company policy tgat addresses workplace behavior.

6. AnonymousJuly 5,2023 at 3:45PM UTC

   It was an inappropriate joke, but not an unusual one. In one of my jobs, a common joke was "I don't care what [the boss] says, I think you're doing great." It's a along a similar line, except... more gendered and inappropriate.

   No, you're not a bitch. It was just ribbing. But yes, it was totally inappropriate, and I would call that out at every opportunity, relentlessly, in public.

7. Barb HansenJuly 5,2023 at 3:55PM UTC

   I've spent my career in dev/tech/agile world and most of my colleagues have been great, although there have been a few team members who seemed to be stuck in humor or personal interactions of the 1970s. "I was just kidding, geez don't be so sensitive" was either said or implied after a inappropriate "joke" more times than I can remember.

   Here is how I handled these situations:

   Earlier in my career (which would have been in the late 90s/early 00s when I had no "power" b/c I was an equal team member), I gave that tone-deaf (or worse) team member my best "don't mess with me" stare, making it uncomfortable for everyone in the room (back in the days of in-person meetings), and then moved on from the offensive comment by asking a question or giving an update. I would then watch that team mate making note any additional offensive comments and after the third comment, I would publicly ask them to stay after the meeting so we could "clear up a few things". I would then tell them, that their "jokes" were offensive and ask them to stop. if they started with the "don't be sensitive" rhetoric, I would repeat "you're offensive, please stop" and walk away. If they continue, (which some did), I responded with the "don't mess with me" death stare, wrote down every offensive "joke" and found an executive or HR rep that I could trust and reported my situation. Did this process always work? No, but at least everyone on the team knew this guy was stepping over my line so others didn't jump on his bandwagon.

   Later in my career (when I had more seniority, either actual org chart seniority or experience-based seniority), I had two approaches:

   I skip the "wait until third offense and talk to them in private", and say "that comment is offensive to me and others the team, so stop" immediately after the comment was made. On the second offense, we have a private meeting to discuss how this person is act better in meetings.

   OR

   I response with a smile and a happy tone in my voice, "Mike, read the room! That was oh so close to being a funny comment. You need to workshop your comedy bits as that one was stuck in the last century" (or something like that)

   I'm sorry you have to deal with this issue.

8. Chrissy Regan SmytheJuly 5,2023 at 7:43PM UTC

   I did have someone “joke” like that with me. I looked right at him with all the Confidence i could muster and said, “oh good, I’m living up to the hype. Be careful how you lay out your expectations. Some of us just might deliver”. Held my head high and walked away to a very stunned colleague. As he tried to give a lame apology, i put my hand up in a just stop gesture, while saying, “if i have to tell a grown man in 2021 that it’s inappropriate to call a woman a bitch, or (air quotes) joke about it, it’s clear we won’t have a good working relationship. And, no, that doesn’t make me sensitive or a Karen. It makes me a grown, professional and It makes you an, well, I’m sure with your mental capacity you can fill in the blank”. I spent far too many years having to deal with old school thinking or hearing, “she can’t take a joke”. I’m actually very funny. I just don’t need to add profanity or embarrass my coworkers. We did eventually build a good working relationship. I find it’s best to nip that stuff in the bud so it doesn’t get out of control. now I’ve mastered “the look”. LOL they know when it’s getting out of hand.

9. AnonymousJuly 7,2023 at 6:51PM UTC

   Good for you for establishing boundaries and displaying confidence! It has been my experience also that this type of reaction is effective with some "bullies". I agree with Chrissy, don't let it get too far and eventually, these types of employees eventually get bit by the karma bug. Don't absorb, let it roll off your back. If you are unable to let it go, then use the hotline if your HR dept offers one. Good luck and be strong!

10. Shelly EdwardsJuly 5,2023 at 9:04PM UTC

    What he said was completely inappropriate and should not be tolerated, regardless of what might have been acceptable in the past. I would pull him aside separately to let him know that what he did is disrespectful and won’t be tolerated going forward. I’d be very clear that this was his one shot and next time he will face some discipline. It’s important you set the tone for behavior expectations up front so your team knows what to expect of you and from you.

11. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistJuly 6,2023 at 7:31AM UTC

    What he said was inappropriate and out of line. But from your post, I don't get the sense that this was personal to you necessarily. He sounds like one of those jerks that is offensive to everyone.

    Making "jokes" like that about friends wives? Grow the eff up already.

    I wouldn't overthink it either - I doubt you have that kind of reputation. That's probably just his go-to insult/joke.

    If he pulls this crap again, I'd nip it in the bud. He needs to join the rest of us in 2023.

12. AnonymousJuly 6,2023 at 6:39PM UTC

    Scripts for the "next time" will arm the OP with some assertive language and confidence that she will be respected by this jerk. Or talk to him 1-on-1. If this person is always like this, and it's been allowed to go on, going to the people who have been allowing it may not be effective.

13. AnonymousJuly 6,2023 at 11:53AM UTC

    Language norms vary within organizations.
    I used to work in an organization that was uptight about language (and many other things, like shoes!) In my new job, my boss has dropped the F-bomb in staff meetings, and nobody blinks.

    If you're an outsider, it's probably not worth trying to shame someone for a single incident when you don't know the cultural context.

    I find it concerning that you say you can't stop thinking about it. That's called rumination, and it's not healthy. There are techniques to stop yourself from ruminating, and I highly suggest you look for a therapist or simply watch some good YouTubers (like Dr. Tracey Marks). I have a tendency toward rumination and have been fighting it all my life. It's soul-sucking and hurts my relationships with others. Look at yourself here, not the person who offended you.

14. AnonymousJuly 6,2023 at 3:29PM UTC

    As someone who can swear like a sailor at times, I see a difference between dropping an f-bomb IN someone’s presence and directing an inappropriate word AT someone. The latter is unacceptable.

    She doesn’t need a therapist, she needs a strong support from the company. Telling her to basically suck it up, is dismissive and enables inappropriate behavior to continue. She has every right to look at the offender.

15. AnonymousJuly 6,2023 at 6:29PM UTC

    Rumination is indeed a problem. Addressing the situation in a healthy way -- especially since it is so far a one-off -- is the way to go, including self-care for the mind. Another issue is lack of assertiveness, which can be addressed in therapy. Talking to this person or sending an email (i.e. documenting it) would be helpful, and HR or a manager would expect that to be done before OP creates work for them.

    A bad joke that has the b-word is completely different from using that word in another context. Terrible, yes, but the response is more nuanced than some of the responders here are taking it.

16. AnonymousJuly 6,2023 at 7:04PM UTC

    the responses which are ‘focusing on the word “Rumination” instead of the disrespectful actions of the insecure man are either written by men or they are written by women who have adopted patriarchal attitudes (and beliefs). In either case, those respondents are the ones who need the therapy, not the OP. And the small minded man who thought it was a funny joke…. He needs it most. So interesting that this type of disrespectful behavior could ever be condoned by other women. Stop minimalizing disrespectful behavior.

17. AnonymousJuly 6,2023 at 10:09PM UTC

    Both things can be true - a person in an organization can do or say something in appropriate, and the person on the receiving end can ruminate to an unhealthy level. I have been a ruminator and I can tell you from experience, it doesn't matter how right you are if you drag yourself down, alienate the people around you, waste time that could have been spent on your personal life, and lose sleep.

18. AnonymousJuly 6,2023 at 10:10PM UTC

    p.s. I'm a woman, and I have experienced disrespect in the workplace. Don't make assumptions.

19. AnonymousJuly 6,2023 at 6:46PM UTC

    Are you kidding? Wow. First learn about harassment. Men use the word bitch to describe woman in a derogatory way. It’s insulting and it’s made to make the woman feel intimidated. SECOND- do not confuse derogatory name calling with “dropping the F-bomb”. Your comparisons are ridiculous and off the mark. You think it’s ok for a man to indirectly insult a female co-worker by calling her a “bitch”? I suggest you get some therapy.

20. Cyndy TrivellaJuly 6,2023 at 12:30PM UTC

    He’s intimidated by you and why he is attempting to put you into a light that he can control. You have the upper hand here. Typically bullies of this type have low self esteem so they need to bring others down to their level. Keep it professional at all times and be patient. He’ll eventually “hang himself” with his words. He lacks a verbal filter and will, at some point, say something inappropriate to someone in power and it will come back to bite him.

21. Lisa Galczynski KahlerJuly 6,2023 at 12:44PM UTC

    somebody didn't take their annual anti-harassment training and it shows!

22. AnonymousJuly 6,2023 at 2:31PM UTC

    I was just thinking this reminds me of one of those scenes from the annual harassment training video. Yikes!

23. AnonymousJuly 6,2023 at 1:17PM UTC

    Continue to call it out in the moment. "That's not funny." "That's not appropriate." "Please stop calling me a b*tch." I'm guessing this guy has a reputation for being unprofessional and a lot of people are probably sick of it. If he keeps doing it let his manager know that you keep calling this out and he keeps persisting so you'd appreciate if it could be addressed.

24. Marcia SmithJuly 6,2023 at 1:41PM UTC

    nope not a joke and totally inappropriate. I would report to HR. First, we are ALL a B-word at one point or another, so let that one go. However, this term and its variations are completely inappropriate in a work setting - ESPECIALLY from a coach and ESPECIALLY in a group setting and ESPECIALLY for a new hire.

    Start looking for a new job - if this is the kind of people this company hires and retains, you don't want to stay there any longer than you have to..

    You are beautiful, smart and strong :)

25. EMILY KIKUE FRANKJuly 6,2023 at 2:45PM UTC

    Gross. He's inappropriate and a misogynist if strong-minded and fat women are his go-to "jokes." I would say to try to have a conversation about those things with him (I like the earlier suggestion of calling him out each time: "Why do you think it's funny to call women bitches?") if you can stand it, and if you can't, document it (every time) and let HR know.

26. Marlo BrooksJuly 6,2023 at 4:43PM UTC

    Absolutely no excuse for his behavior. Call HR, and tell him to treat you with respect!

27. Cynthia Armistead NewmanJuly 6,2023 at 5:27PM UTC

    Inexcusable! Totally inappropriate. He needs to be reported to HR forthwith.

28. AnonymousJuly 6,2023 at 10:07PM UTC

    Reporting people to HR is not usually a preferred first step, unless there is someone designated to hear Title IX or EEO complaints.

29. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistJuly 6,2023 at 7:07PM UTC

    Stop thinking about it - don't give this jerk one second of bandwidth in your brain.

30. AnonymousJuly 7,2023 at 12:38PM UTC

    Just ignoring it is only going to welcome more of it, though.

31. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistJuly 7,2023 at 4:37PM UTC

    If you continue down the comment thread, you will see that I initially posted this:

    "What he said was inappropriate and out of line. But from your post, I don't get the sense that this was personal to you necessarily. He sounds like one of those jerks that is offensive to everyone.

    Making "jokes" like that about friends wives? Grow the eff up already.

    I wouldn't overthink it either - I doubt you have that kind of reputation. That's probably just his go-to insult/joke.

    If he pulls this crap again, I'd nip it in the bud. He needs to join the rest of us in 2023."

    But I keep seeing the title of the post "I had an interaction with a colleague I can't stop thinking about"

    And hate to think that this jerk has gotten so in the OP's head.

32. AnonymousJuly 8,2023 at 12:27AM UTC

    Joan Williams, it's almost impossible for me to make sense of this comment thread because it's bad ui. I apologize if I offended you with my comment about not saying anything would make it welcome. I was replying only to the comment I saw.

33. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistJuly 8,2023 at 12:57AM UTC

    You didn't offend me. I just wanted you to know that wasn't my complete take on the incident.

    That said, suggesting someone stop obsessing about something that is upsetting them so much is not the same thing as suggesting they ignore it.

    It's bad enough what he did. Despicable. But to let him get in her head that way just gives him more power.

34. Cindy GrossJuly 7,2023 at 1:35AM UTC

    He's testing boundaries to figure out how far he can push things. He wants people around him to be uncomfortable and he wants to know who is willing to compromise their boundaries. If your HR team has a good reputation, go to them with a question about how to handle it. Not everything has to be a "report" or "get him in trouble." Just ask for the help you need and deserve. Most likely it will turn into what feels to him like a "report" but that's not for you to manage. #BefriendingDragons

35. Rosa E HearnJuly 7,2023 at 11:21AM UTC

    Based on your post, this is very common of his personality.
    Don't take it personally obviously he likes to make fun of everyone. Report it and move on. He'll get his soon.

36. LilianaJuly 7,2023 at 12:06PM UTC

    Yes, and it did not end well for me since my ex boss who made a very innapropriate joke about me in front of the whole department became upset with me when I called him on it. Looking back, I should have gone to HR because our interactions did not improve after this event. I found it very hard to respect him after it.

37. Brigette WildsJuly 7,2023 at 12:35PM UTC

    You could report it to HR or your company’s Hotline if it has one.

38. AnonymousJuly 7,2023 at 12:43PM UTC

    I'm not sure if anyone mentioned this, but whether you go to HR or not, document each occurrence of this type of behavior and his reaction to you (gently) calling him out on it in the moment.

    *personally, I would go to HR, but only to let them know that I was only drawing attention to the fact this occurred and that I now expect no action to be taken. You never know how many others may have brought it up to them , and if it turns out they have (or they do) then HR will take it up without any singular attention on you.

39. AnonymousJuly 7,2023 at 12:49PM UTC

    Much of what you should do depends on the culture.
    While his speech was clearly not appropriate, it seems like his popping off isn’t an unusual occurance either. Is this acceptable in this workplace? Depending on whether it’s a good fit for you, or not, you’ll want to tread carefully while making your determination. I would talk with HR, but as more of an inquiry. Something like “I had Bob say this in a meeting…is this normal for him?” And see where the conversation goes from there. If it is a Bob issue, of which all are aware, then you can talk about where to go from there. As a coach, it’s normal to have non-believers in the crowd. Maybe a chat with Bob on the side? Start with HR to get more input on what is acceptable behavior, though. I think there is a good chance they already know about him, and hopefully, using the b word to describe anyone in the organization, even in very general terms, is not acceptable behavior.

40. Jennifer WuolletJuly 7,2023 at 12:53PM UTC

    Ummm, that's completely unacceptable and I work in offshore oil and gas where most things unacceptable are acceptable. I would ask for a meeting with a mediator/HR/whatever to discuss how this isn't appropriate.

41. AnonymousJuly 7,2023 at 1:15PM UTC

    A couple things here,. First take a deep breath and release. Second this person maybe, IMO may be on either on the Autism or Asperger's scale. Thirdly I had written this in a previous post where a Customer Service Representative was being called nasty names and I told the story of how a wonderful lady gave me a different definition for the bitch label and that was "being in control of herself". I mean definitely run this up the ladder, but keep in mind that they could be just repeating gossip heard at the water cooler.

42. AnonymousJuly 7,2023 at 2:18PM UTC

    You bring up an incredibly good point. How do we deal with the "spectrum, mental health" challenges in the workplace today. However, in this circumstance, I do believe regardless of the possible "challenge" all workers need to learn appropriateness. I agree with discussing this with "leader/manager/coach" of this group and ask the right questions to discern company policies.

43. AnonymousJuly 8,2023 at 12:24AM UTC

    While being autistic (there is no longer Aspergers and there is no scale) does entail some inability to read social cues (it usually gets better with age because of masking) it does not excuse even saying the B word, much less calling someone that.

    I'm not going to say this man is not autistic because there's no way to tell, but I very highly doubt it.

    This is not really typical autistic behavior, it's just bad behavior by a guy in charge who's never been told any differently or who has and doesn't care because he's entitled.

44. AnonymousJuly 7,2023 at 1:54PM UTC

    I'm not sure what the joke was at all. But this man barely knows you, sounds like you were interacting with each other for a few hours at most. He has no sense of appropriateness, in many settings it would seem. Tell him flat out, not cool! Don't use that word to describe women in the workplace, especially when you have known them for moments. That's great someone else found it funny. You don't. Humor is subjective. Being professional in the workplace is not.

45. AnonymousJuly 7,2023 at 7:24PM UTC

    That frat boy needs to be sat down and educated by HR/People/Legal on sexual harassment. What he did falls under that. His audience female or male is irrelevant. Memorialize the whole conversation in email to yourself, HR and legal (and your personal email to protect yourself) and ask for them to sit him down and do this. Also consult your employee handbook around this type of behavior. Taunting and jokes do fall under that category. Your reaction was in defense of what you felt was being said about you directly but I suspect from his response to you that he was recycling what he thought was a funny joke to lighten up the mood. Some guys just don't get it and need to be taught what is acceptable humor in the workplace. Don't tolerate it and once it is addressed let it go. You could also pull him aside and have a private conversation with him letting him know it is not acceptable but since there was an audience and likely also will be opinions to both sides let a neutral party do it for you. He should also if HR/Legal mandates it issue an apology for his behavior and reinforce that it won't happen again and shouldn't have been in the first place. You are fully in the right, and if the company does nothing you could file an EEOC complaint which is legally required to be followed up on by the company. Hopefully it does not get to that but if it does that is your recourse.

46. AnonymousJuly 7,2023 at 11:58PM UTC

    I had a guy do something like this once. Only it was in an email. It was one of those things where you fill in the blanks with people's names (in this case, his co-workers and me (the manager). I was supposedly caught "making out" with the marketing manager in the stairwell. Likewise, other co-workers were described as overly intoxicated or flirty, to name a few. Ironically, this was just one week after the CEO had reposted the policy on sexual harassment. It was his poor attempt at a joke, and since it was a new team just put together, he was trying too hard to "fit in."

    Since he lived in another city, I flew in the next day to deliver a write-up and six-month probation. In the write-up, I pointed him to the recently posted reminder on sexual harassment.

    Like you, I was offended by it, but male and female employees were, at best, uncomfortable that things this sexually explicit were done so early in a newly formed team.

    This got his attention, and it never happened again. He worked for me for close to five years after the incident.

47. AnonymousJuly 8,2023 at 12:02AM UTC

    In addition to the response: This was all done after showing the email to HR, discussing it with my manager and his manager, and agreeing that it was the right thing to do. We also had HR and legal agree to the terms and verbiage in the write-up.

48. AnonymousJuly 8,2023 at 5:51PM UTC

    Unfortunately, we live in a world where women in the workplace are often seen as either a caretaker or a b-word. It's not fair, but that's where we are at. I think it was really brave and mature of you to set that boundary in the moment. Sometimes all we need to do is call someone out and have a conversation with them to spark growth. Keep in mind that you probably did nothing wrong, other than doing your job, and others might be laughing at his jokes simply because they don't know what else to do or say. I have had several micro-aggressions over the years, including recently someone calling me "sweet-heart". In this case, it didn't matter how it was intended, but I let the person know that it wouldn't be tolerated. In that situation, they were completely taken a back that I would be offended but apologized as that was not how they were trying to be perceived. I'm actually work friends with this person now. Sometimes the situation does not end positively like this, sometimes it is necessary to go to HR if the environment is toxic. What I've found to be true is we show people how we want to be treated. Good for you for standing up for yourself!

49. Megan LeasherJuly 10,2023 at 1:32PM UTC

    Not appropriate under any circumstance, even if the intent was a lighthearted joke. If he is not willing to listen to your concern, take it to HR and document everything. I am sorry you are dealing with this!

50. na1102July 13,2023 at 2:54AM UTC

    no way, not appropriate he owes you an apology IN FRONT OF EVERYONE HE MADE THE JOKE IN FRONT OF. Obviously, he is not a comedian