How to handle an issue with a fellow new staff member whom I don’t supervise who routinely refers to everyone and anyone ( customers, fellow staff etc) as honey, hon, dear, sweetheart, doll face, handsome etc.

How to handle an issue with a fellow new staff member whom I don’t supervise who routinely refers to everyone and anyone ( customers, fellow staff etc) as honey, hon, dear, sweetheart, doll face, handsome etc. she is probably mid to late 30’s so I can’t say it’s a generational thing. Super annoying and I think while she probably means well and is just being friendly but it’s so inappropriate.

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  1. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition Specialist

    Do you have an HR dept? Any way you can report this anonymously? If you report that you're offended by being called whatever maybe HR will have a word with them.

  2. Anonymous

    Issue is that I could talk to her privately (lowest level to fix issue) but I am a higher rank than her and I know that I should go through proper channels...she is not in my department and is supervised by another. Or I could talk to that supervisor but that supervisor is NOT a good supervisor and she will completely over react and pull the employee in and crush her spirit as that is what she does. We do have an HR department but I don't necessarily trust them to keep it confidential as there has been issues in the past with other employees issues not being held in confidence. I could discuss with my supervisor who is the head of our department and let him address it with the other department head...but again don't want to rock our boat as things have been going so good with our departments. Or I suck it up, ignore it, talk to her directly if she throws those endearments my way and hope that a client says something...

  3. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition Specialist

    That's why I asked if there's any way you can report this anonymously

  4. Hannah Goldberg

    You know what's super unprofessional in my opinion? Not being an assertive communicator. To me, that is the UTMOST level of unprofessionalism. Conf14_FourCommStyles.pdf (uky.edu)

  5. misskelleyp

    In this case I don't think you need to worry about "proper channels" - just quietly take her aside and let her know that addressing coworkers in that way is not professional and could be offending them. She is only hurting herself by doing this, and if SHE wants to be taken seriously in the workplace she needs to stop. If you offer it as a way to build her professional credibility, in a positive way, I think she would appreciate it.

  6. Anonymous

    Maybe she struggles with remembering names and this is her way to deal with that ? You mention you are higher rank - that's degrading in a way towards another employee.

  7. Anonymous

    I’ve been through this identical scenario and I would add that I would watch to see how this co worker is being received by others. , Avoid bringing it up with anyone. As soon as you are targeted as the complainer, it can and will be used against you by any other bullying co worker. I hear you on this behavior hitting all your buttons. See if it tones down on its own. On your own time, apply to some work from home opportunities. That might be a better work dynamic for you.

  8. Anonymous

    I worked with someone who called coworkers and customers hun and names like that all the time. It's really bad when you know she doesn't even like the people she says it to half of the time. She also put these types of references in emails to staff. "Good morning beautiful people"... poor business etiquette. I think it's inappropriate.

  9. Anonymous

    Super frustrating. I think they actually don't think anything of it, it is just part of their personalities, they think that they are being friendly and welcoming.

  10. Hannah Goldberg

    They are being friendly and welcoming. And i'll tell you something else. Employees who actually contribute at their place of place of employment would never make a big deal out of something this trivial like OP has.

  11. Anonymous

    I used to work with a woman who called me "Dear" ALL.THE.TIME. It literally drove me crazy. To the point that I stopped communicating with her. She spoke with me about what was bothering me; I told her; we were fine after that. In the current era of HR issues, I'd meet up at the coffee station and broach the topic casually, but firmly, and explain why it's a bad idea to continue using those terms.

  12. Hannah Goldberg

    Not everything is a bad idea just because you personally take an issue with it. Not everyone exists to fit in your perfect little box.

  13. Anonymous

    I worked with a woman in her 60s who referred to everyone as honey. I just cringed and bore it. That said, someone needs to address them. I wish people felt like they could just correct her themselves when she does that. “Could you please just call me *insert name here*.” But alas, everyone fears doing that for fear of offending her.

  14. Anonymous

    The fear of offending. Often times when people don't remember your name, and are trying to be polite instead of offending you by asking your name again. It cracks me up that people are so interchangeably offended and dismissive of others.

  15. Anonymous

    This is probably not generational but cultural. Many areas in the deep south utilize terms of endearment as general greetings and do not mean anything by them other than friendly chitter-chatter. That said, they are also not professional, especially in a region of the country where these terms can be construed as inappropriate in the wrong setting. The same can be said for touching, particularly patting the back or hugs. Someone needs to talk with her. If you aren't comfortable with it being her manager or HR, maybe you could take her out for coffee on a break and mention it to her. If you are uncomfortable with that, which do you think would be worse for her, berating by her boss or someone filing a sexual harassment complaint that goes into her personnel file because someone misconstrued these comments as her "coming on" to them? When I had the same issue with a man that kept saying these things to me, I talked with a co-worker who agreed to speak to him. A few days later, he came up to me and apologized and thanked me profusely for not getting "management" involved because someone before had already complained, and he was "on report." I never had another issue with him.

  16. Anonymous

    You are not responsible for her behavior. You have no control over people's personalities and quirks. Does she get the job done? Maybe the problem is that you are terrified you won't be taken seriously as a woman in the workplace and because her behavior is an example of what you think contributes to that trope, you're letting it get under your skin.

  17. misskelleyp

    I disagree. The words this other person is using are diminutive and dis-empowering (is that a word?). They would rub me the wrong way too, and I am quite secure that I am taken seriously in the workplace.

  18. Anonymous

    If you're secure, a coworker's semantics shouldn't diminish or challenge your power. Furthermore, she is not this person's supervisor and policing her language isn't in her purview. I suppose I have less patience with overstepping coworkers and the bleach stench of sterile office environments.

  19. Jessica Ferland

    I find this really very annoying also. In this context, the most you can do it talk to her about it when she refers to you that way. For example, I don't know how others feel, but I don't like being called Hon and prefer my given name.

  20. misskelleyp

    This is not an acceptable or profession way to refer to coworkers. I would nip that in the bud immediately. The next time she refers to you by one of these words, just politely say, "my name is xxx", I would appreciate if you would use that instead of (whatever she said). And then just keep doing that until she gets the message. The other thing you could do is quietly let HR know and let them have a talk with her about how to professionally address colleagues.

  21. Hannah Goldberg

    If HR has any common sense, they will terminate OP. Employees who actually work hard don not squander their time on trivial matters like policing and sterilizing the language of others. It's not harming anyone, and I guarantee most people don't care. They're too busy ACTUALLY working. If OP has a problem, she can tell that coworker that she would prefer to be called by her name. I personally think OP should be fired. Everyone I know that actually works hard or at very least, does their job, does not have time to sit around and unnecessarily nitpick.

    Personally, I like these terms of endearment. Especially considering that OP is well aware she means well. If I had an issue being called anything other than my name, I would respectfully let my colleague know to please refer to me as Hannah and that would be it, simple as that. I wouldn't go to HR because I prefer to use my time at work productively. Not to mention, I doubt anyone else takes offense or has complained. Again, they're too busy actually working :)

  22. Julie Chatman, MBA, CISM

    Handle with compassionate honesty

  23. Hannah Goldberg

    To be perfectly, woefully honest with you.. I think you're the problem. Employees like yourself who focus on trivial things such as this, as opposed to actually doing your job should be the first to go when the annual budget is evaluated. Is her personality quirk harming anyone? It doesn't seem that way. You might be bothered by it but I highly doubt anyone else is. Not everyone is a corporate cog in the machine. You need to stop trying to sterilize people and focus on yourself instead of petty semantics. Like I said, employees like yourself, who look for problems when there aren't any, should be the first to get cut.

  24. Anonymous

    wow people these days are so easily offended. People get a grip. Accept different personalities and styles. There are far more offensive things to worry about. I’m offended by people with tattoos all over themselves, man buns, and poor grammar. But we have to accept these in a professional environment. Lighten up and be glad she’s not an office bully or an ineffective worker.

  25. Hannah Goldberg

    Agreed. My first thought was actually to fire the OP. To be this worried about someone elses non harmful behavior is the epitome of trivial. I can almost guarantee that OP is an extremely unproductive employee.

  26. Anné Leonard

    It has nothing to do with age, but a professional tone in the workplace.

    Tell the person that such terms are for a personal context only, while a first name or title is the correct form of address in the workplace. Quite simple...

  27. Hannah Goldberg

    No, she needs to mind her own business. Employees who actually work hard don't squander their time on trivial matters like policing and sterilizing the language of others. It's not harming anyone, and I guarantee most people don't care. Theyre too busy ACTUALLY working. If OP has a problem, she can tell that coworker that she would prefer to be called by her name. I personally think OP should be fired. Everyone I know that actually works hard or at very least, does their job, does not have time to sit around and unnecessarily nitpick.

  28. Anonymous

    Micromanaging will destroy employee moral. Pick your battles. If customers aren't complaining, leave it be.

    Depending on age or place of origin, this is probably the norm for this person.

    We are becoming overly sensitive, overly "me too" that genuinely nice, courteous people (employees) are being put into a box where they can no longer be themselves around their co-workers. Walking on eggshells at work for 8+ hours every day is not conducive to good health. Whatever happened to diversity being the spice of life?

  29. Hannah Goldberg

    Agreed. Allowing people to show up authentically as themselves, as long as they're still being very respectful others, is such an important aspect of fostering a healthy work environment!

  30. Anonymous

    Agreed! I came from a micromanager to one who lets us do our own thing within reason. My other colleagues and I are clearly lucky, there’s 4 of us. We tend to call each other “loves” and “my girls” work has gotten so much better and we actually enjoy showing up and team meetings. Strange right!? No. This is exactly how work should be. Especially when you respect your coworkers. I would NEVER say something to offend them. We are from all over and I am southern. I say yes ma’am and no ma’am. And I absolutely respect my supervisors and manager. They are amazing humans who value us as individuals and nurture our strengths. And gently guide us when and where we need it.

    imagine being this unhappy with life you are making a big deal about someone happily showing up to work. It seems you are the only one with the issue reading through the comments. Go take a bath and relax or something. Do something for you cause you clearly are stressed. Don’t take it out on her.

  31. Hannah Goldberg

    I absolutely LOVE this response!! You seem like such a sweetheart and a genuinely amazing coworker. I couldnt agree with you more. The foundation upon which a healthy work environment is fostered is based upon self respect and being respectful of others. I have coworkers like that too and they make work so much easier and more fun. I wish i could feel bad for OP but I don't. I know she's jealous and all but until she develops the self awareness to realize shes the problem I don't care that shes getting left out.

  32. Anonymous

    My guess, is that, being new, she doesn’t know everyone’s names yet. She means well. Let it go.

  33. Anonymous

    If you don’t supervise this person, or you aren’t HR leave it alone and let them handle it, if anyone complains. Seems like you just don’t like her from your tone. A bit of advice, focus on yourself and your work and less on others, unless they do something really bad. You don’t want to be know as the little (in this case) girl that cries wolf. This seems more like a personality conflict and you’re making personal. And it’s petty.

  34. Hannah Goldberg

    Agreed. OP seems highly problematic IMO.

  35. Kara

    Devil's advocate here... if she were a man, this would not be tolerated and viewed as harrassment. The same rules apply whether male or female. The names she refers to people may be "harmless" but they are inappropriate in a professional setting. We deserve to be called by our proper names period

  36. Hannah Goldberg

    But she's not a man. And there are different standards of etiquette that are often unspoken but implied. Because context MATTERS. Sorry, but that's the truth. Men know that saying terms like "hun etc" will come off in a different way because that's how most women address our friends. They're terms of endearment. Men have their own terms of endearment, my old boss used to call me and several of his favorite coworkers "rockstars." He was awesome!! Again, context matters.

  37. Anonymous

    If she specifically calls you honey/hon/sweetheart and you find it offensive, then politely ask her in the moment to stop. If she does it to anyone else, then leave that alone.

  38. Anonymous

    it is very unprofessionnel , i cannot get overthe number of comments here defending this type of unprofessionnal way of adressing people. the only person a bal hun or babe is my spouse , you leave that stuff at home. period. a converstion is needed with this person.

  39. Bonnie

    In situations where a coworker addresses you differently than you expect, it’s ok to say something like “hi my name is ……. I prefer to be addressed by my name” she would probably apologize. It might straighten out the issue for everyone. As she may not have realized her style is offensive to some people.

  40. GirlBossanova934974

    If you really have an issue with this language and you are in management, the solution seems rather simple. You simply have a short face to face chat with this employee's manager. No need to drag in HR or the "Thought and Language Police". Just let be known that you find this way of addressing managers or fellow employees as "inappropriate". It is up to the employee's manager to deal with this issue at that point. Over the years, this same sort of issue has been handled in this way with things like "inappropriate attire for the workplace".

  41. Hannah Goldberg

    Manager? You don't find it wildly unprofessional that you're unable to communicate with this coworker yourself?

  42. Leah Petrosino

    if you aren’t her direct supervisor I would address it with her if she refers to YOU with one of these terms. (“I’d prefer it if you’d refer to me by my name, if you don’t mind.”)

    This way you are expressing your own personal boundaries without interfering on a professional level.

    While it’s clear from these comments that many people aren’t offended by this, it would bother me too. Especially if we didn’t know each other well or if it were coming from a male colleague. Terms of endearment like these are (to me) reserved for personal relationships.

  43. Anonymous

    #Generationalthing? As a #BabyBoomer, I HOPE you are not assuming that because someone is chronologically more advanced than you, that the person would be prone to making this cultural error? Or are you assuming that someone younger may not realize protocol and dignity? Either way, it feels like ageism (you might want mull that.) To get to your issue, I think (if you and she are friendly and open with each other, and you feel comfortable) you might simply share that using those terms could be inappropriate and interpreted badly or condescendingly by any other colleague, dependent on the colleague's background. They are inappropriate for sure. If you feel uncomfortable with the conversation, is there a way to simply get the person this excellent #SHRM https://www.shrm.org/resourcesandtools/hr-topics/employee-relations/pages/terms-of-endearment-don%E2%80%99t-belong-in-the-workplace.aspx?

  44. Anonymous

    What kind of business is it?

  45. Anonymous

    And also where is she from or what is her background? That makes a difference. Such petnaming/nicknaming of people can be incredibly cultural.

  46. Hannah Goldberg

    imagine if its a dog grooming business and OP is the only one who calls the pets by their name LOL

  47. Anonymous

    A few comments indicate this isn't a problem and indicate the OP is. I disagree. A woman calling a colleague or customer “handsome” is not OK. I agree being direct in the moment and asking your manager to have a conversation that educates on why it’s not appropriate would be helpful. If it’s a kind person who means well she will try and the OP can expect slip ups. My guess is many other than OP are not comfortable with this. It sounds like a cultural thing for the new employee and hopefully increasing her cultural awareness will help.

  48. Hannah Goldberg

    Taking a passive-agressive approach to something YOU personally disagree with makes you a lot more problematic than you realize. So what if it is a cultural thing? Slip ups? You mean being herself? Why does everyone have to fit in your perfect little box? Worry less about what others are doing and more about your unrelenting desire to micromanage and control other people of which their behavior is none of your concern. If you have a problem with her calling you by anything other than your name, you tell her that. Be an adult. Instead of being a petty, immature child.It would be one thing if the employee in question was guilty of racism, microagressions, ableism or anything else that is absolutely NOT OKAY. this, however, is a nothingburger. How much time do you spend actually working during your workday? Worry about that. You're creating a hostile work environment for no reason and unproductively wasting your time AND other people's time.

  49. Anonymous

    Well said!

  50. Hannah Goldberg

    thank you :D

  51. Anonymous

    Wow that was uplifting and helpful…

  52. Hannah Goldberg

    Allowing people to show up authentically as themselves, as long as they're still being very respectful others, is such an important aspect of fostering a healthy work environment. I would recommend working on your self-awareness so that moving forward, you'll be able to correctly assess when something is actually a problem versus when you are making it a problem and therefore being problematic yourself. Becoming aware of what you need to work on is usually more important than trying to control other people, because you're responsible for your own behavior and not theirs.

  53. Elizabyth Harrington

    I'm living in a part of the country where people use "hon", "darling", etc., and it's not meant to imply and disrespect ("ma'am" and "sir" are also routinely part of the lexicon). However, I also work in tech, where we tend to be super polite and careful of everything we say. Finally, I'm at an age where I'm very much aware that I am older than a lot of people around me, so being called "Ma'am" in the wrong time and place sets me on edge. So I get it. we're all individuals and we all have certain things that bug us. Personally, what really gets my teeth gnashing is when someone shortens my name. If I wanted to be called "Liz", I would have introduced myself as Liz, not Elizabyth. To me, it's offensive. But it happens all the time and I've learned to shrug it off.

    So my two suggestions (to be done in this order) are this:

    First, check yourself and see if you are making more of this than is necessary. Are other people bristling (particularly customers) or are you the only one really bothered by her choice of vocabulary? If the latter, perhaps this is a learning moment for you to be more accepting of other people's idiosyncrasies. I stopped correcting people who call me Liz because I realized that the ones who do are not in my inner circle, yet quite fond of me and find the name less stiffly formal than how I usually introduce myself. They don't mean to be rude - I'm the only one who is bothered by people shortening my name. I also realized that when I'm called "Ma'am" it really isn't meant to be derogatory either - it's a term of respect down here. Adjusting my mindset a bit has definitely lowered my blood pressure.

    Second, if this is indeed something that your company culture generally does find offensive AND it is bothering people besides you, then use this as a teachable moment in emotional intelligence. Since she is new, you can pull her aside and in a very friendly way, suggest that her language choices could be taken the wrong way in certain settings and encourage her to be aware of where and when not to use those terms. I'm pretty sure there are many instances when calling people "hun" or "darling" is appropriate. She just needs to learn when it isn't. Obviously, when she's in a room with you is one of those latter times.

  54. Kimberly McKenzie-Klemm

    Um...this is an HR problem. I would send a report to HR and ask fellow co-workers if they are experiencing the same level of discomfort.

  55. Anonymous

    This is an HR problem on what basis?

  56. K. N.

    I find it very condescending and distracting. I would go to HR and have them explain to her what is appropriate professional communication.

  57. Anonymous

    I bet you are an absolute JOY to work with

  58. Anonymous

    I don’t like that Sally keeps organizing pot lucks but… does it rise to an HR issue? No. Just because it’s something that I don’t like doesn’t mean that HR should become involved.

    Is this a clear case of prejudice, bias or harassment on the premise of one of the protected classes? If not, let’s not waste everyone’s time addressing all the paperwork that will result from filing a formal complaint. Let’s focus on crossing items off that to-do list. :).

  59. Anonymous

    J/k I love Sally’s potlucks!!

  60. Wendy

    I am surprised at all the comments that calling someone out of their name is no big deal. However, I would only speak up if the person directly does it to me. I have been in situations where it is perceived I am young so I am called "Hon" in a baby voice when no one else is spoken to that way. I always speak up and say I only want to be referred to with my name and it usually ends there.

  61. Anonymous

    What type of business is this? I know here in the south it is extremely common to hear these terms. I do agree it can sound unprofessional, depending on the setting. I would pull her aside and gently explain why her behavior can come across as a different intention to certain customers and visitors. She sounds like a wonderful person, be careful with how you approach her, we need more light in this world.

  62. Anonymous

    That was my thought. I grew up in the south. When I moved out west, it took some adjusting to stop calling people by these names because it's what I grew up with, but no one out here did. However, being in healthcare, some of my older patients love when I use these terms. I think the setting can be a big factor in what is appropriate and what isn't.

  63. Anonymous

    Don’t think and then act, then it tracks as you being a sack breaker. If you are in her presence when it is said and you are willing to speak your mind , say something. Be polite but affirm your position on her choice of wording. It’s in her court to present a more professional greeting and such. If not, she knows how you feel and she doesn’t agree. If customers complain then hr may need to evaluate the situation but as it stands your are her coworker and are policing her words out of your own irritation. Good luck babes!

  64. Hannah Goldberg

    the BEST part of your comment is how you said all that and then called her babes LMAOOOOO. now she hates you too! i agree with what you said about her policing her out of irritation. i just dont think its unprofessional to call coworkers terms of endearment as long as you know em well enough

  65. Anonymous

    This might just be part of her personality, and how she was brought up. I personally wouldn't call others names, because it's not me, but like you said, she's probably being friendly.

    If it bothers you so much, ask the person to call you by name, and if she stops, but that's not good enough for you, bring it up with HR and let HR handle it.

  66. April Line

    It really depends on the industry and the role, doesn't it? When I waited tables, I called everyone, men, women, children, babies, service animals, "Durlin." If I knew their names, of course I used them. But that was not the norm. Nobody ever minded, in fact, I think it helped people feel cared for. It's a really normal practice in that industry to call everyone pet names.

    I'm a manager now in ag, and I call everyone their chosen names. Someone likes to go by their last name. Some of the team have nicknames they gave me permission to use. But I also have big nurturing mom energy, and sometimes they come to me with personal stuff or with big feelings or with stuff loosely related to work + sometimes I ask them if they need a hug and sometimes they say yes, and sometimes I say something instinctive like, "Oh hon," when they tell me their big sad story. Sometimes I send them home to rest or cry. Technically appropriate? Probably not. But when the gang say what they love about this workplace, they frequently reference they feel like they matter to us (the management team), and mention specifically that they can come to us with anything.

    I can totally see that addressing men colleagues in the workplace as Handsome could become an issue, same as I could see how men calling women colleagues Babe or Cutie is problematic. But... again, totally depends on the industry and the role. Is it my style? No. But it works for some people, and if this is a customer facing service or sales role, probably best to leave that judgement to a manager or HR.

    In general, though whenever we note something going on with a colleague that bugs us personally and causes annoyance feelings in us, those annoyance feelings are our problem and thing to deal with. Whenever you point a finger, you have three pointing back at you. That's a good way to think about workplace issues.

    Of course, if someone is doing something destructive or fraudulent or wasteful of company resources, absolutely all day long mention to management.

    And maybe that's what you need to do here. If it bugs you, mention it to the manager, and they will make a decision about whether to address it.

  67. Anonymous

    I don’t see anything wrong with saying these words when you know they are well intentioned (vs micro-aggressions such as condescending/sarcastic).

    It’s worth considering when one’s preference is beyond what is reasonably expected from an employee.

  68. Lynn Klein

    Is she from the south or Midwest? Those people are just always so darn friendly and happy.

  69. K. N.

    I'm from Mississippi and it is inappropriate there in professional settings. Regional origin is not an excuse.

  70. Anonymous

    Ok so this person is speaking in a “familiar” way with you. Congratulations! It means she trusts you and has a fondness for you. That’s not guaranteed. I live in the North and we only use these terms for special folks.

    She is speaking in a way that is kind, natural and honest. My suggestion is to find the silver lining. You may damage that affinity by saying that she shouldn’t speak in that manner.

    My suggestion is for you to ponder— are your preferences trampling on her liberties as an individual? Is this truly offensive in todays culture given the context and intent?

  71. Hannah Goldberg

    Beautifully written. Excellent!!

  72. K. N.

    Simple - this is a professional environment and she needs to act accordingly. I am from Mississippi and I know not to do that. I find it annoying and condescending. I imagine I'm not the only one. If she did it to me, I would immediately correct her. I won't allow anyone to talk to me like that.

  73. Cindy Gross

    It definitely feels condescending to me. I would never feel comfortable working with someone who regularly used those terms with me or others.

  74. EMILY KIKUE FRANK

    I suspect it's regional more than generational. Does it bother other people? It doesn't seem unprofessional to me, just casual. If you're in NYC, it might be a little odd to some, but chances are that she just grew up that way, so just chalk it up to who she is and enjoy it.

  75. Hannah Goldberg

    this scenario could never happen in NYC as OP wouldn't last a day here. We curse ALL the time, we allow people to show up authentically as themselves and we expect them to. We embrace and welcome individuals here. We pride ourselves on it

  76. Chrishogg

    "new staff member whom I don’t supervise"

    No problem.

    Work hard, accomplish things, get promoted, and when (or if) this person is under your authority, tell her to change her ways.

    Otherwise....

  77. TYRONE STAFFORD

    Which one is she calling you? Could be worse.

  78. Balanced372207

    I am an older African American woman. We teach our youth to NEVER refer to elders by their first name. So the younger African American staff people call me "Miss Cynthia." I love it. I am told by management that it is condescending. I have told management that when I say I don't like to be addressed that way then it is condescending, but until then, this is MY preferred way to be addressed, and to butt out.

  79. Hannah Goldberg

    I love that, and I agree with you. It's not condescending at all. It's very polite. Some people just want to complain and make issues out of nothing like the author of this post

  80. Anonymous

    I’m from Africa and work at a school and I’m always addressed as Mam or Miss Caryn. The white kids are taught to call an older person ‘Aunty’. As you say it’s a respect thing and not condescending at all.

  81. Rebecca Milliken

    While I understand why it bothers you, since you aren't her supervisor just ignore it unless you get called a name you don't like.

    As a customer, I get ma'am (ugh) dear sometimes (another ugh).

    My personality is to just ignore it if I think the person's intention is not bad. I think it can be a slippery slope, though. For those who don't see a problem with it, my feeling is that it's presumptuous. Just as I never make any kind of joke with a customer that could possible be taken the wrong way, saying a name might really upset someone--you just don't know.

    I don't think it's professional and while I personally don't care enough to call someone out, other people might not like that familiarity.

  82. Q

    It depends on how the people she's speaking to feel about it, and what role they are in as well. Even well meant and kind, I think most people would agree it isn't appropriate for someone to refer to a person above them in authority as "hon", "dear," or "sweatheart." Even meant well it diminishes the perception of authority that individual should have. When it comes to other women in the workplace, I feel we should be supportive of each other and our career progression. For me, that means leaving the terms of endearment for a more personal conversation at work - not a public facing one - and only with those you are quite close to and have that trust. In all other work scenarios it undercuts the perception of that woman to others as a professional. Nobody would entertain calling a male lead or male manager or director "doll face" or really even referring to them as "hey handsome." It would sound like the person was speaking down to them.

  83. C Moore

    She needs training on ageism! The only way she is going to learn that this is inappropriate is by talking directly to her. I've experienced this is my life and suggested to HR they do some training on ageism and it works!

  84. Anonymous

    The OP said both parties are similar age. People of ANY age use these expressions.

  85. Anonymous

    She might have an issue with remembering peoples names, often folks whose recall for names is spotty uses that to make sure people feel seen and respected but its a bit too informal. I would suggest pulling her aside and let her know its a bit too familiar and if it is a memory thing she might consider using Maam and Sir.

  86. Cindy Gross

    Ma'am and sir might be acceptable in some parts of the southern US but not in most of the rest of the country. It can be seen as condescending and many women say it makes them feel old and disrespected.

  87. Anonymous

    I feel more uncomfortable with ma'am and sir than I do with the hon, sweetheart, etc LOL

  88. Anonymous

    Boy does this bring up a story. I was trying to calm an over-bearing guy during a conference call - all fellow employees. Unfortunately, I said "Please don't worry honey, I'll make sure we get it taken care of immediately". His reply was "Don't call me honey." whereupon a co-worked said "Well she could have called you a$$hole." Made my day. Though I'm older, and was further UP the chain of command than him, I covered him with yes sir, no sir, right away sir for the rest of his time with the company. Yep, he was such a jerk to so many people - he got laid off. I'd ignore this lady and be grateful she is pleasant.

  89. Samantha Winburn Messersmith

    I’m from the south & we call every one honey, hon, sweetheart. I’ve never had anyone complain to me about it. I’m southern Florida that’s what we do. But I’m also going to be 50 this year.

  90. Anonymous

    agree. went to college in the south. no malice intended with this!

  91. Coach Nancie Kay Shuman

    If it is something which makes you uncomfortable, have a conversation with HR, as they are the people who can take action and address this. They can also assess why she is doing this. Additionally, by having HR handle it, you get to stay out of the line of fire. You may need her good will in the future.

  92. Anonymous

    This feels a bit like tattling to mom and dad for a situation that is simple enough for an adult to handle themselves. IMHO, this infantilizes the OP. It’s a simple social dynamic that doesn’t rise to the level of HR purview.

  93. Anonymous

    The fact that OP is even mentioning this on a forum is infantile. Be an adult and handle it, and if she doesn't want to, then she SHOULD go to HR lol

  94. Mary Ann Donaghy

    Agree 100%. People need to show professional maturity by handling these things professionally themselves—not running to mommy (HR) for something that is not illegal.

  95. Anonymous

    How is it toxic to want to be called by one's name in a professional environment? Is this a serious response or are you legit delusional?

  96. Hannah Goldberg

    This is a completely serious response which is why the overwhelming majority of people concur. The fact that she's making this big a deal out of NOTHING is extremely toxic. Just like you, OP has incredibly poor social skills and a severe deficiency in self-awareness. I think you two would make great friends. The fact of the matter is, it's not a big deal and it's disrespectful and disruptive to try to make it one. Grow out of your annoying passive-agressive tendencies and be an adult. If it bothers you, say something to the person. That's it. It does NOT bother most people. They're busy WORKING.

  97. Anonymous

    There is nothing really for you to do (as she doesn't report to you) other than mention it to HR as making you uncomfortable. If she were to address you directly with a nickname you don't like then you can politely ask her not to.

  98. Anonymous

    You recommend going to HR? I think that will have unindented consequences of putting both folks on the radar of HR.

  99. Anonymous

    yeah, this is NOT HR material. please....let's not go there for this type of infraction. At worse, tell her that you don't want to be addressed like this and leave it there.

  100. Anonymous

    She may be from an area that does that and you may be working in an area that frowns on that. Any work place would frown on that as it is not professional and could be interperted in some undesirable ways. It could be very offensive to customers. If you are present and witnessing such sayiiing in a kind tone of let's-keep-things-professional-and-call-people-by-their-proper-names.

  101. Anonymous

    Are you assuming that everyone thinks that it is super annoying and inappropriate? I'm from the city and was having a bit of a tough time as a kid with loneliness, and I remember going out to a smaller town, and all the people in the shops called each other "love" and "sweetheart", and you could tell it was genuine. It was so small, but I had been so starved of affection and just to realise what kind of interactions were possible, I remember almost breaking down and crying with joy. Obviously everything is context specific, I totally understand why it is not for everybody but I just hope everyone only speaks for themselves, by all means tell her that you personally prefer impersonal professional interactions (or whatever you do prefer), but please don't snuff out what other people may experience as joy and affection.

  102. Anonymous

    Id like to offer a different opinion for diversity. When someone speaks to me in a familiar way, I consider it a big win. Relationships are HUGE in my role and if we’ve been able to move past the formalities that means I’ve made a lasting impression and I’m on my way to “trusted advisor.” What if you consider this as an ACCOMPLISHMENT?

  103. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition Specialist

    What if someone else considers it creating a "hostile work environment"?

    What if a man was calling you honey, hon, dear, sweetheart, doll face?

    I don't know about you, but that's a hard no for me. I'm not anyone that I work with's honey.

    The sex of the person delivering these words shouldn't make any difference.

  104. Anonymous

    to be fair, this is a working women forum...so the issue of a male speaking to us is not pertinent here, I"m thinking? But points taken.

  105. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition Specialist

    YOU SAID: "this is a working women forum...so the issue of a male speaking to us is not pertinent here"

    So we should just ignore all issues on this forum that may occur with roughly 50% of the population? We only discuss what happens between us and other women? You do know that there are men on this forum, don't you?

  106. Anonymous

    Joan why are you so argumentative??? Every comment I see you are bullying someone different for not thinking like you. Crazy to me.

  107. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition Specialist

    Me bullying?!

    I responded to a comment that said to me: "this is a working women forum...so the issue of a male speaking to us is not pertinent here"

    How is that not someone pushing back on me for not thinking like them? Nevermind that it's ridiculous to think that an interaction with a man would not be pertinent.

  108. Hannah Goldberg

    It does make a difference though, whether you agree with it or not. Men and women are different. That's just it. You can't pretend they aren't. That would be intellectually dishonest of you.

  109. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition Specialist

    I'm not anyone that I work with's honey, nor their sweetheart - male or female, gay, straight or bi.

  110. Anonymous

    I agree that I am not anyone's -whatever- in the workplace, but why are you so pressed about it? The individual using the terms (in this situation) likely does not mean it in that way. I also agree that I would be uncomfortable if anyone uses those terms, but I was also raised to be accepting of others and have learned to respectfully speak up when necessary.

  111. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition Specialist

    Since when is responding to someone's (yours? someone else's?) comment "so pressed"?

    YOU SAID:

    "I was also raised to be accepting of others "

    Really? Cause you don't sound so accepting of me.

  112. Angelica Espinal

    Absolutely! How about leveraging that familiarity to get critical work done instead of complaining.

  113. Anonymous

    firstly, realize that this employee is coming from a place of kindness. MAYBE not kindness to the one hearing it, but I'm guessing she does not say this from a place of malice. She's heard it, her mother or dear grandmother spoke to her like this, it's a cultural thing (many folks from the South speak this way; I went to college in Virginia and heard it all the time)...older women, women with children, women are caregivers...So this employee is speaking from a place of kindness, not malice. YES IT IS annoying. But let's not be angry AT HER. She might need some coaching to quiet down her language, for sure. But also, you are not her manager. So this bugs you, but is it your place to correct her? Not really. You can ask her to personally not address you this way- SURE. That's ok. You might even speak private with her manager about this. But that's probably as far as you should go. Not your circus.

  114. Halima

    Terms of endearment are not welcome in the workplace. Extremely unprofessional. I don’t care if it’s coming from a “place of kindness” like some one else commented.

  115. Anonymous

    Once upon a time, fellow coworkers were like family, most getting along fine, quirks and all. Spending so much time with coworkers used to be cohesive not catty. Times are a-changin'.

  116. Anonymous

    Honestly, you should be happy you have an unprofessional kind coworker vs the shifty nasty coworkers some other people have to deal with everyday. If this is your biggest problem - you don't have one! Grow up , pull her aside and ask her not to call you sweetie.

  117. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition Specialist

    Just because someone calls you sweetie doesn't mean they're not a shifty nasty coworker.

  118. Anonymous

    The OP did not say that the woman was shifty or nasty.that was noticeably missing.

  119. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition Specialist

    I never said she did.

    The anonymous person I responded to said "you should be happy you have an unprofessional kind coworker vs the shifty nasty coworkers some other people have to deal with".

  120. Anonymous

    Ah gotcha. It would be beneficial to state if you are responding to the OPs situation vs a commenter in the thread. :)

  121. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition Specialist

    When you're replying to the OP, your comment is out at the left margin. When you're replying to a comment, your reply is indented under the comment you're replying to.

  122. Angelica Espinal

    So this conversation started over someone being bothered about words of endearment in a work environment

    Count on someone- meaning YOU to take this conversation to another lane. Please stay on topic ..Unless you mind read- you really don't know what this inner person feelings truly are..

  123. C Moore

    How will people learn and grow if someone doesn't educate them? By ignoring the problem it won't go away. Calling someone doll face, handsome, etc. is a form of sexual harassment. That won't fly in a professional setting and shouldn't! Sexual harassment shouldn't be ignored.

  124. Donna Kusnierczyk

    Calling someone doll face or handsome is harassment if you are informed it makes someone uncomfortable and asked to stop and you don't. If folks are uncomfortable with it they should tell her. Her supervisor should discuss how she addresses clients.

  125. Anonymous

    This is kind, well-meaning advice from an idealist POV. The issue is: “Perception is reality.” Two people can be in the same conversation and walk away with totally different interpretations of what happened. And each perception is their reality. Each is “correct.” Persona A believes they educated person B. While—Person B felt that the conversation was not Persona As role and it was aggressive/hostile or worse— harassment!

  126. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition Specialist

    I didn't know that I knew you. But since you seem to know me so well, who - specifically - is avoiding me? Are they ignoring me in person?

  127. Crystal Howell

    If you don't like it, change it by telling her what your name is, if it's directed to you. Others have to speak for themselves.

  128. Anonymous

    She hasn’t done this to me or else I’d say something.

  129. Anonymous

    If she hasn't done it to you, then it is REALLY NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

  130. M Baaza

    Has a client complained to you about it?

  131. Anonymous

    Ask her to meet with you briefly prior to staff meeting.. When you get her alone Try saying "Wendy hen you used that terminology I felt like a cashier at the roadside Truckstop. Then follow up with "If you think about it, Don't you feel that you have worked hard to build an aspiring career that should be acknowledged as such? in this type of situation mention "Try using mindfulness in the future and i think you will surprise yourself as to the results.

  132. Anonymous

    Sorry, but I think the way you're suggesting to address it is a little disgusting. You're essentially saying that by speaking the way she does, she's not respected. And that should have no bearing on whether she is respected or not.

  133. Anonymous

    I disagree with this advice. If you say this to her you are speaking to her in a way that is 10x more insulting/aggressive than what she said to you. If you say this you are escalating the situation from one of positive intent to one of negative intent. Feedback should NEVER be about THE PERSON. It should be about the actions. This manner of speaking creates a hostile work environment. If she is a member of a protected class— she may have grounds to go to HR about YOUR behavior. Think hard about how this would be perceived.

    The goal of conflict resolution is to DEESCALATE.

  134. Coach Nancie Kay Shuman

    Because of the possibility of something being deeply misinterpreted I suggest that the OP allow HR to handle the situation. They are trained to be able to navigate these types of situations.

  135. Anonymous

    Rude af

  136. Anonymous

    If the boss has heard it and feels it is inappropriate they have/will speak with her.

    If it persists, you’ll have your answer.

    Though you may feel that it’s cringy, it’s not your purview.

    Cringy is not the same as N HR offense.

  137. surfnwrite

    It's funny how things have changed! I remember 25 years ago there were always certain women who would do that kind of thing, and people may have thought it was annoying, but no one would ever think of going to HR about it. Not making a judgment, just an observation!

  138. Angelica Espinal

    Everyone is offended by everything these days..

  139. Balanced372207

    Some ways of addressing people are offensive, i.e., as an older black woman I do not appreciate being called "gal"....but hon would be perfectly fine with me.

  140. surfnwrite

    That's funny! "Gal" or "girl" is fine with me, but "hon" would really rankle my nerves.

  141. Anonymous

    It's really none of your business. When you are her supervisor, Address it then. If she calls you something that makes you uncomfortable, you can ask her not to do it but that is it.

  142. Rosa Goes

    If she addresses you that way and it makes you uncomfortable then tell her it's not appropriate. You can say something like 'my name is [your name], hon is not appropriate to me in the workplace' Say it with a smile.

  143. Anonymous

    There’s a difference between something that is “inappropriate” (subjective) and something you don’t personally like. As many have said, just nicely say you’d prefer she refer to you by name. Unless something is mean, dishonest, or illegal, lighten up and let people be themselves!

  144. Anonymous

    It sounds like a term of endearment. Maybe passed on by her family or from the South. Find something worthy to focus on.

  145. Anonymous

    OP, what have you decided to do? Were there any pieces of advice that reinforced your beliefs and/or altered your perception of the situation?

  146. Anonymous

    Sadly it was such a mixed bag with some people saying it is an HR issue (which I don't think it is) some saying I should talk to her, some saying mind my own business, some saying it is my problem. So to be frank, yes I agree, it is my problem and why I wanted some advice from this group. Some gave good, kind advice and asked questions. Some advice was a bit mean spirited which surprised me from this group. Her supervisor knows, there has been comments made from others about it. This employee is AWESOME, and a hard worker that is why I didn't want to go to her supervisor on this. She has recently addressed me with an sentiment of which I replied, "really? if I am your sweetheart what do you call your partner"? We had a good laugh about it. So after all of that I decided to: Be happy in that she is happy at work and expresses herself this way (I suppose she could be saying worse things), let the chips fall where they may and I am now using noise cancelling headphones,

  147. Anonymous

    OP, yes the comments section is a cornucopia of POVs. These are very thoughtful considerations. Kind, light-hearted jokes are a very good way of addressing the scenario. Well done.

  148. Anonymous

    Perfect!! ?

  149. Ellyn Specker Charap

    I am afraid I do this all the time, generally a) to demonstrate to that person that I perceive them as a good and kind social actor, and b) because I have face blindness, and this is a good way not to insult them. I know some people find it inappropriate, so I explain. Most people are lovely about it.

    However, I have something to say to you that you probably will not like hearing. Please sit tight.

    Most people truly do not find this annoying. This is a you problem, not a her problem. It is your responsibility to manage your own emotions over your own pet peeves, not hers.

    All you need to do is your own emotional work. Go to her and nicely, without the sense of entitlement you are displaying in your post, sit down with her and say, "It really bugs me when you call me "dear" or "sweetie," would you mind not?"

    Next, when (not if, but when) she slips up, smile and assure her it's ok, you understand that it's difficult to change a habit, and accept that she is trying.

    I cannot overstate this: this is merely a personal annoyance of yours. She is not insulting you or committing a microaggression. It is not her responsibility to manage your pet peeve. Grin and bear it - an excellent life lesson.

  150. Anonymous

    It's a term of endearment. I live in the South; migrated from the Philippines many years ago. I heard this many times and mostly from sweet old folks (men and women). I certainly find no malice to this at all, since we do this in the Philippines as well. I think you need to: (1) Reserve your energy for the right battle; (2) If you tell him/her that it's inappropriate and it's so annoying to you and that she/he needs to stop -- you are likely to make him/her uncomfortable, stressed and paranoid that she might slip in saying those words again. It's not easy to relate/communicate to people generally, not all can be the smooth and sleazy coworker(s). Until there is actually a problem, do not make a PROBLEM.

  151. Anonymous

    So, big deal, move on! She could be rude and mean spirited. I would take that any day over some of the jerks I've encountered at work.

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