I'm having a really difficult time dealing with a woman 1 level up from me that demands me to work on items she deems high priority.

23 Comments

1. AnonymousMay 8,2022 at 1:05PM UTC

   So your manager agrees, but are they doing anything about the situation to help you? As a people leader , I have dealt with a similar situation in the past. I had a conversation with the problem person and let them know all requests were to go through me and only me for any assistance from my team so I could ensure they were not confused by competing priorities. I let me team know they were to forward to me any other direct contact. I also actually confronted her in person, calmly, when I heard her talking to my staff in a demeaning way. I myself, also informed HR of what I had observed. I was super angry inside but I was determined to stay professional. I also wanted to be sure I was filtering my team from the toxicity. I had support from my leader on this as well. It solved the problem. Eventually the toxic person was separated from the company as more and more leaders saw what she was really like.

2. AnonymousMay 8,2022 at 2:19PM UTC

   Agreed! This is what i would expect as well

3. Heather CutlerMay 8,2022 at 1:49PM UTC

   Is your manager doing anything to help you run interference?

4. AnonymousMay 8,2022 at 2:23PM UTC

   My manager is definitely aware and is looking to speak with her directly but it's considered their equivalent so might need to get others involved as convos were had with her manager as well and there has been no change in our interactions.

5. Heather CutlerMay 8,2022 at 4:42PM UTC

   I’m sorry your manager if failing you. Despite being the same title band as this other person, she’s perceived as submissive. Best of luck to you.

6. MarissaMay 8,2022 at 1:59PM UTC

   What do email responses to this person look like?

   Can you ignore the emails?

   If not, either forward to your boss and ask if they’d like you to support or if your boss said you are not responsible, can you reply with your boss CC’d and let them know you are not able to support?

7. AnonymousMay 8,2022 at 2:35PM UTC

   It depends on what's in her emails to you, but I would always advise not to ignore if you can. You and your boss should come up with a plan on how to approach these emails and use that.

8. AnonymousMay 8,2022 at 2:06PM UTC

   Apologies if I ask questions, because it seems like something is missing. Why is your manager allowing someone else to assign you work? Is it a dotted line reporting situation? If it's not then your manager should be having a talk with this person and ask them to stop doing it.

   If it is a dotted line reporting structure and you should be working on the items that they have assigned have you asked yourself if your work is quality work that you're sending over? Without being provided an example of what's in these emails where she is CC'ing the VPs it's kind of difficult to assess what's she's doing and besides emails can be tricky, sometimes if you don't like a person no matter what they do you will always read their emails like they are out to get you.

   Copying your work without giving credit is a huge no for me. No one should ever do that.

   As far as going to HR be very careful to ensure that you have all of your bases covered. I know someone that went to HR about someone and didn't get the expected outcome because it was founded that this person wasn't self aware and didn't realize it was them with the performance issues.

9. AnonymousMay 8,2022 at 2:21PM UTC

   No dotted line at all. She's definitely overstepping because she's trying to get to that next step up the chain. Everyone's feedback on working with this director is the same. Its creating a very toxic work environment.

10. AnonymousMay 8,2022 at 2:24PM UTC

    I had a similar situation and here’s what my boss and I came up with that we do, since he’s okay with me saying no to her regardless of what she ask.

    When she assigns me work and demands it’s a priority, which I don’t want to do. I tell my coworker I don’t have time and if she wants me to help, she’ll need to check in with my boss to reprioritize my work. This itself should halt her. If this doesn’t work, I loop my boss into the email and he’ll follow up with her.

    When I tell my coworker this, I send a message to my boss in case she actually follows up with my boss. In my case, my coworker never follows up with my boss.

11. AnonymousMay 8,2022 at 2:48PM UTC

    When you say you talked to your manager and she agrees with who you? If with you, she offered no solution? Ask her if you can work with another lead and specify that this person is making you extremely uncomfortable while you work and you are worried about it escalating further. And you do not want her negative engagement with you to impact your productivity and efficiency. Start putting in for bids somewhere else if you feel your boss is not supporting you in this matter. It appears this gremlin in your workplace already has influence over certain folks in leadership.

    Bringing it up to HR should be a last resort. They do not typically move on issues like this unless it is identified as an overwhelming problem where several mgrs and non mgrs complain about the same person, not just one person, or unless there is explicit evidence of discrimination. So in other words just because a person treats you shitty in a workplace does not mean it is against the law and if it is not, HR will not get involved nor is interested, especially w/o evidence.

    Learning how to navigate toxic/difficult people: Unfortunately, these types of people exist at every work environment. If you can learn how to navigate them, will keep you ahead of the game and make you practically a superhero. Some tips:

    1) Always remind yourself that people that direct their negative energy on others are on low vibration frequencies and are likely struggling with other internal and external issues that have nothing to do you with you, so why absorb their energy.

    2) Through exercise/meditation in the morning and when you return from work focus on detaching from the negative energy.

    3) Be Tactical and run Recon on that Gremlin: Observe her behaviours 360, not only when she is on demon time, but also is there ever a time when she is engaging folks in a positive mood. Observe how those people behave around her. Try to mirror their behaviours to see if that breaks down her wall of agression

    4) When she tears down your work. Instead of meeting her at her toxic level, take a deep breathe, count to 10. If she feels you can improve on a project in a very calm state ask her can you please explain. I want to make sure I am sending you good quality of work. I think you are amazing at what you do. Can you share some tips on how I can improve on this recent project I worked on. As much as you do not want to do this. This might help break down the communication barriers and cause the gremlin to soften up her approach when you talk to her.

    Tap into your higher self.

12. AnonymousMay 8,2022 at 3:11PM UTC

    You can either do what she's says without questioning or you can go to HR with concrete examples and dates and times and evidence and request specific action be taken immediately.

13. AnonymousMay 9,2022 at 1:09PM UTC

    This isn't HR's job.

14. AnonymousMay 9,2022 at 10:18PM UTC

    Part of escalating an issues such as this is going to HR. It's protocol.

15. IkyMay 8,2022 at 6:50PM UTC

    Sorry to hear about your situation. It must have been frustrating.

    Continue to talk to your manager until he/she takes the right actions to resolve the situation.

    Job priority needs to come from a single source, regardless who requests the tasks/projects/work.

    Have a Plan B in case the situation does not improve to your satisfaction and your timeline.

    Ensure you have an individual development plan (IDP) in place to help you achieve your career goals.

    There is an opportunity in every obstacle. Listen to what your higher self tells you.

    Good luck with everything. Sending you positive energy and good vibes. Have an amazing day!

16. Tomilyn RichardsMay 9,2022 at 12:00PM UTC

    HR is always great to consult in these manners... I would bring it up to your Manager and ask to have a joint meeting with the 3 of you... so you can find a way to manage the work load and tasking of work in a better way. Then you have support when you are being asked to do things and how.

17. AnonymousMay 9,2022 at 1:09PM UTC

    HR's job is to protect the organization, not to solve personal issues amongst employees. They don't discipline employees. They can only advise managers on how to do that, and this manager hasn't been doing that. I doubt going to HR will do anything but put a bullseye on OP's back.

18. AnonymousMay 9,2022 at 1:06PM UTC

    If your manager agrees and can't or won't do anything about this, HR won't be any help. I discovered the hard way in my last job that toxicity was a feature, not a bug. An organization that has allowed this to go on to this point won't change its ways.

    Instead of talking to HR, ask others who are being treated the same way how they handle it. If you can't adapt, move on.

19. MaddiMay 9,2022 at 2:21PM UTC

    This sounds annoying and stressful. I can only reiterate what Anonymous said and maybe add a little more.

    Do not take it personally. Work is work, life outside work is life. As much as you can, be a robot at work. That will take away the frustration.

    Do things like meditate and work out to decompress and let go of stress and frustration.

    The negative lady has stuff going on in her life or is super insecure for whatever internal reason… You cannot change that, only she can, and perhaps then with the help of a psychologist.

    Document all the improper procedures she is doing… keep a paper/email trail and document exactly what was wrong of her to have done so. If she is overtly critical to you, write down on your phone or in a diary the time, date and what she did exactly. These are just to cover you in case she really goes after you. As others have pointed out, if HR or management haven’t interceded yet, they probably will not. So keep the documentation just as proof that the lady has a pattern of consistent irresponsible/aggressive behavior, for when the time comes that she is even worse.

    Kill her with kindness. Apparently she wants to prove her own worth through external validation (even if she doesn’t put in the work.) You can appeal to that insecurity of hers or even perhaps heal her, or at least stay on her good side if she is part of the dark psychological triad. So boost her ego and praise her and let her feel like she contributes…

    All the while I would be actively searching for a new role in the company outside of her reach, or at a different workplace.

20. JJMay 9,2022 at 11:52PM UTC

    This is a very difficult thing to do and it would be super hard but have you sat down and had a direct face-to-face with her?
    I have failed at being direct and assertive so many times but when I have been, I have seen great results. Usually I waited until I had nothing to lose (like I wanted to quit anyway) but as I gained more professional experience and confidence I have learned to be direct early and often. No it doesn’t work in an environment where it feels like everyone’s against you, but if it’s just one person you have to reason with and you have support, it can be very beneficial to have that uncomfortable conversation. Once she knows that you know and you aren’t afraid to speak up, it might start to get resolved.

21. LeeAnn VincentMay 10,2022 at 1:24AM UTC

    You must BCC someone else one every email. Also, as far as your original ideas, be sure to email someone you trust, so that you can prove that she's stealing/copying your ideas and work.

    Best thing would be for you to get another job somewhere else. Or maybe your manager, who seems to be on your side, can promote you.

22. Anna C AdamsMay 10,2022 at 12:57PM UTC

    If your manager agrees, maybe they can be supportive and you can defer this person to your manager when they ask you to do things. You can do this via email. CC your mgr and tell this toxic person that you have other priorities and would be able to help her out as long as your manager is aware and gives you the green-light. Of course, work this out with your manager first!

23. AnonymousMay 10,2022 at 1:50PM UTC

    I understand your pain! I'm definitely following the comments for ideas. I'm in the same position in my office, except it is HR that is causing all the problems for me.