I’ m looking for some suggestions on how to best respond to or ignore a co-worker who makes statements I find offensive?

100 Comments

1. Dawn S. CrossApril 11,2022 at 2:30PM UTC

   Take her aside and speak to her candidly - don’t make it personal.

   “Dawn, while you have your specific feelings about situations, please keep in mind that not all do and could take offense.

   You may not be aware if someone here has either worked for or has a family member that works for a government office. Also keep in mind that with the current situation with the pandemic, our colleagues may have lost someone close to them or even have a serious health condition we may know nothing about”

   By being partnering with her, it does not come across as accusatory.

   We (society as a whole) seem to have forgotten that while we are entitled to our opinion, that others can be affected and that our words should be thoughtful and considered before speaking them.

2. Linda J MooreApril 13,2022 at 12:40PM UTC

   Have been in a similar situation and found that anything I said to her would be used against me later. See if you can wear earbuds at work to help ignore her comments. Sad as it may be, I would look for another job either away from her (at your current company) or another. It's not worth the emotional crap.

3. Karen Annette DossApril 13,2022 at 12:50PM UTC

   I really like Dawn's suggestion of partnering with her in order to make it seem like you are trying to protect her from a potential faux pas, instead of pointing out that she already made them. It allows you to point out and address the specific remarks that are particularly offensive to you, while framing it as a warning about her interactions with other colleagues.

   I realize that the optimal solution is to address it very directly and openly with her, but that also may give her more personal information about you than you want to share with her. If she is doing it purposely, then you will have given her the exact buttons to keep on pushing, and by making it between you and her, it may escalate the tension between you.

   Sometimes discretion is the better part of valor.

4. AnonymousApril 11,2022 at 3:52PM UTC

   Since you have no interest in escalating the issue with management or HR, you can either have a discussion or call her out each time her language or comments don't sit well with you or you can choose to laugh or ignore her. Simple as that.

   It sounds like she doesn't like you and takes pleasure in annoying you.

   Your choice is call her out or keep your focus off her comments.

   If the issue prevents you from performing your work. Ask to be moved and escalate the issue.

5. Orlagh CostelloApril 11,2022 at 4:37PM UTC

   You can't tell her where to go can you?

6. AnonymousApril 11,2022 at 4:50PM UTC

   Saying this with all the love and support in my heart, having worked with many people like the one you mentioned.

   So many people live a blissfully unaware unfiltered life.
   Sounds like her EQ is pretty low. Whether she knows you well or not, it seems as though she has little social awareness. Pulling her aside and being direct with her around things she says and the impact they have is the way to have her reflect on her conversation skills and also allows you to become less triggered. It then becomes "Your behavior when you.... has the impact of ...." This would be less emotional on your end and possibly yield a new awareness on her part.

   What you find offensive, somewhere along the line others did not--which is how this behavior continued.

   Get clear on your actions---either say something to her, or find a way to become less bothered (aka expect it and let her blabber on)

   At this point you are drinking poison and expecting her to die.

7. AnonymousApril 12,2022 at 1:46PM UTC

   You either need to have the conversation with her or ask to speak to her boss to help you with a strategy in how to deal with her. I have worked with many people like this, but when I said something directly to them, they reported me and said I was overly sensitive, I was not, my husband was terminally ill. I got in trouble if I cried at work. BUT you need to say something to her boss or yours, otherwise it won't stop.

8. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 4:19PM UTC

   ... and put it in an email to document that the supervisors know in case there is retaliation!

9. CassandraApril 12,2022 at 5:43PM UTC

   I have a coworker who likes to say things like, "We need to find you a man!" I have absolutely no clue why she thinks I need, or want, a man (or woman, or significant other). I simply respond, "No. No thanks. Not looking. I'm good." She stopped saying it.

   The only way for your coworker to stop is to address the issue. I would begin by addressing her directly. And, you need to address the issue in the moment. When she says everyone who works for the government is stupid, you could simply say that is a grossly generalized statement. When she makes crass statements about life and death, you could simply say that her statement is offensive. Document the statements and when you addressed the issue. THEN, if she continues, you have information to take to your boss/her boss or HR.

10. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 4:19PM UTC

    None of this is illegal (so far), but it's counterproductive, so the OP's own boss is the one to go to if directly addressing it with the annoying coworker doesn't work.

11. Bolaji AkinfenwaApril 13,2022 at 12:17PM UTC

    Best way to respond is invite the person to a Bible study. He or she will learn how to conduct him/herself in a manner that is appropriate in public

12. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 12:32PM UTC

    Especially if they're not Christian.......or you're not. Seriously!

13. Melissa VerdoniApril 13,2022 at 12:50PM UTC

    this could be considered harassment ,,, VERYVERY bad idea. if anyone pushed religion on me at WORK ,,, they would get written up in HR with a letter in their file.

14. Alexis SchraderApril 13,2022 at 1:48PM UTC

    At my first job, my boss and a coworker from the same congregation were very pushy about religion and constantly inviting me to this kind of thing. For my birthday they gave me a gift certificate to a “meditation retreat” that turned out to be 3 hours of worship for a religion I don’t believe in. It was a miserable experience and I quit. If it hadn’t been my first job, I would have gotten HR involved. Absolutely do not to push your religion on people who haven’t expressed interest.

15. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 4:17PM UTC

    In the U.S., some of the most ignorant prejudiced people I have encountered in the workplace are Christians. There's a good chance this person already goes to Bible study.

16. Kathleen Norton-SchockApril 13,2022 at 12:22PM UTC

    If you want to use the opportunity to turn her into an ally (if that is even worth your time), you can use the age-old approach of 1. Pulling her aside 2. Gently saying, "When you say _________, it makes me feel ___________. You may think it is funny, but for many reasons it offends me. Could you please stop doing that? Thanks" When you reference your feelings (vs. getting into a debate about her silly use of stereotypes), it may force her to see you in a different light. She may just have an odd sense of humor, and as another person mentioned, a very low EQ (emotional IQ). Then just go about your day. If this incenses her, at all, that is when you would have to get a supervisor involved. But, instead, it might give both of you a chance to deepen your professional relationship. Just a thought because it sounds like ignoring her is not working.

17. Milissa JacobsApril 13,2022 at 12:26PM UTC

    You can tell her privately that her unfiltered conversations are damaging her opportunities at work or you can bluntly tell her you disagree with everything that she says. Either of those will solve the problem, but one may keep her as a work ally.

18. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 4:16PM UTC

    It's possible that the higher-ups are just as ignorant and prejudiced as she is, so this seems like a dangerous idea.

19. Rachel BulkoApril 13,2022 at 12:27PM UTC

    I agree with the people who say that you need to talk with your boss. Another helpful tip is to check in with your reactions to her. Is she doing these things to get a rise out of you? Working with vindictive people is never fun, but it does provide an opportunity to strengthen your boundaries with them. Avoid unnecessary interactions with her.

20. Adrienne BorghoffApril 13,2022 at 12:28PM UTC

    Hostile work environment?

21. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 12:40PM UTC

    Eh, it's pretty tame, and definitely subjective. If the person was trashing other employees at the company, the OP might have some sort of case, but at it's core, this coworker is just showing she's sort of a crappy person and possibly jealous, since a lot of government jobs have great benefits and are perceived as being easy or cushy (not true, I have worked for the government).

22. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 4:15PM UTC

    Not in the legal sense.

23. Amber MabreyApril 13,2022 at 12:28PM UTC

    I agree with Cassandra. Responding to these comments at the moment they're said is the best way. Letting her know they are, for lack of a better word ignorant. She should be embarrassed by her her behavior. Just keep it between the 2 of you. So she doesn't fell the need to defend herself.

24. Emily PhelanApril 13,2022 at 12:40PM UTC

    While I agree with responding directly in the moment, I would encourage making sure there is something on file before doing so. This person may turn around and file a report against her. Maybe a good idea would be speaking to HR and saying she wants to be sure it is documented, but doesn't think there is a need for disciplinary action at the time

25. Crystal HowellApril 13,2022 at 12:33PM UTC

    You should discuss with manager, it's obvious she knows your pain and is using it against you. You have rights, read you handbook seek HR if manager does nothing. My mom said, if you keep your personal business to yourself,the jealous people can't throw it back at you. Good Luck

26. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 4:14PM UTC

    There isn't really a right not to be annoyed or offended. None of this rises to EEO territory.

27. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 12:37PM UTC

    I would bet she has no idea she’s offending you. I think an honest, non-confrontational discussion is in order. I would have an adult conversation before going to management.

28. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 4:14PM UTC

    Yeah, people live in bubbles on social media and at home and believe everyone agrees with them.

29. Angela MartinApril 13,2022 at 12:38PM UTC

    Well, you've tried to ignore it, so why not try this? She says, "People who work for the government are soooo stupid. They work that job because they can't get another. They literally have no brains." Counter with a question and a statement, "Why do you think that? Millions of people work for the government. How do you think that things get done?" She'll probably counter with, "I knew a guy that was REALLY stupid and trying to pull a fast one on the Blah Blah Blah Dept of Government." You: "Did you know my father, who did blah blah blah great thing worked for the Dept of Super Terrific Stuff? He was a fantastic person and I'd love to be working with him here." If that doesn't shut her up, then just tell her you'd rather not speak about non-work subjects.

    On a side note, both of my parents worked for the city where I live. They weren't stupid and the jobs paid really well for what they did, plus they are getting a good pension now that they are retired! I'd personally be tempted to tell her to go apply for some government jobs so that she could bug them and not you!

30. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 4:12PM UTC

    "Why do you think that?" is a great question for revealing (to themselves) that their opinions are based on nothing more than prejudice or parroting the opinions of others.

    And then a great response, "In my experience, ..."

31. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 4:13PM UTC

    *lol* " I'd personally be tempted to tell her to go apply for some government jobs "

    How about, "You're stupid. You should join them!"

    I would never say that, but it's a happy thought.

32. Angie MartinApril 13,2022 at 7:20PM UTC

    People used to tell me how easy and cushy my job was (I worked in the department of corrections !). I used to tell them to apply of they thought it was so easy and well paid. No one to my knowledge ever did.

33. Maggie StoneApril 13,2022 at 12:39PM UTC

    Sounds like it may be time to have a difficult conversation with her about her comments.

    If you want to avoid escalating this, I would talk to her in the moment before taking this to management or HR. The DEARMAN method from DBT therapy is a great format for this: https://www.skillsyouneed.com/rhubarb/conversation-tips-get-what-you-want.html Basically, your going to stick with the facts, express how her actions make you feel, and ask for what you want. It might look something like this: “Hey Jane, this is the third time that you have made negative comments about government workers. I feel really defensive and annoyed because my father is a government worker and I am proud of him and his job. In the future, please don’t make negative comments about specific groups”. I would work out what you want to say beforehand so you aren’t scrambling at the moment. Hopefully, she is just not aware of how her words are coming across and she stops. If she tries it again, stop her and say I am ending this conversation because I am uncomfortable with the negative comments. Please keep conversations with me work related from now on. If she doesn’t listen, then escalate it.

34. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 1:03PM UTC

    Yep. You got it. Right here!

35. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 12:41PM UTC

    Take it to HR but know it likely won’t do much.

    My go to method is simply don’t interact beyond necessity of job function. Generally, don’t let another’s opinions bother you in workplace, you are there to perform a function not be everyone’s friend. Being polite to do your job doesn’t require friendship.

    Don’t let others opinions bother you just because they aren’t your own. Being bothered fuels those with ignorant mindset.

36. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 4:11PM UTC

    H.R.'s job is to support management, not front-line employees. Complaining to them is an absolutely last resort! Go to your own manager first with anything.

37. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 12:42PM UTC

    This is a difficult circumstance for us to interpret here, because we "hear" what you're saying, but we aren't watching the interactions, etc --and it would be unfair to assume that this coworker is "trying harder" to irritate you. Instead, I am guessing that she/he is hugely insensitive and inappropriate and probably is this way in other areas of life as well. Also, this is a person who sounds rather "negative" on life in general- how sad! So....this all sounds very annoying (in the least) but do you REALLY think it's personal and meant to be offensive? My gut feeling (because you are trying sincerely to ignore this)--is that you do not believe this is malicious on your coworker's part. Malice would warrant a discussion with your manager and/or HR...but I don't sense malice from your statements above. So...with all of that being said...Consider this: (if you can)--She admires you. She wants to be friends and has an odd way of trying to connect with you, to get your attention (yes, that might be a stretch but consider it)--I can look back on my 45 years in the work place and know and recall people who REALLY got under my skin ...and instead of recoiling, I gave that person positive attention-- friendship, coffee chat, and really listened. And yes, my attitude turned their sourness in the other direction! So...maybe in today's world we shouldn't have to try so hard to make things nice with our coworkers....but maybe we do need to consider that not everyone has had a good life, not everyone has the internal controls to refrain from crass remarks...and it sounds like you really want to make this work (thanks for that...:)---- I don't know, and I am sorry for her tipping your emotional scales with her statements. Sometimes, we aren't in a good place ...and can't let stuff roll off (been there/done that). I hope my reply gives a bit more perspective than just "reporting her". God bless you for being discreet and thinking hard about how to make this work. You are a winner! :)

38. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 1:49PM UTC

    Completely agree here.

    Ask yourself if you would be so bothered if the comments were not about things that you happen to relate to. That will allow you to see the interactions for what they are. Sounds like this person is socially awkward and not aware how they are impacting you. Start with telling them that you are uncomfortable as Maggie Stone illustrated so well. Best of luck.

39. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 12:53PM UTC

    I agree with others that the statements should be addressed to give her the opportunity to change her behavior. Instead of maintaining a barrier between the two of you, you may find a time where you ask if you an speak with her about a few things and select the things that bother you most so she doesn’t feel ambushed. You could also provide a response that may lead her to rethink her overgeneralization. For instance, “I’m sure there are under-performers in every organization. I know that my father worked extremely hard in a government job and am really proud of what he contributed.”

40. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 1:02PM UTC

    Im by no means diplomatic and would have told her to keep her comments to herself as no one is interested in listening. I would also suggest passive cues like getting up and walking away when something self righteous comes out of her face. But again, I’m not diplomatic.

    Are you good with your supervisor since you don’t work for the same person? If so, I would start there. Let them know what’s going on. May I suggest you keep a diary of dated and times when these things are said and maybe a bit of context in case you need to present this.

41. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 1:03PM UTC

    You said she is working there less than a year and trying to engage or irritate you. The comments about what you like, what you think, those are the weird ones for me. It sounds like she is either trying to one up you or is looking for a work friend or, oddly, both. If she’s looking for connection, does your workplace have activities she can participate in (like toastmasters or a wellness group)?

    I would seek an appointment with a counselor from your work EAP program if you have one to address the situation as they are free and anonymous.

    Also when is she making these comments? I am guessing your work areas are adjacent. Can you move your desk/cubicle? Wear headphones? If it is during breaks/lunch, go hang out with other people, take a different lunch break or leave the building. You will become associated with her in other coworkers views if you do not distance yourself.

42. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 1:07PM UTC

    What you allow, will continue. Walk away, and document document document in the event your co-worker tries to flip anything back on you.

43. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 1:40PM UTC

    Personally, I may try to confront her respectfully (not easy I know) before it becomes so intolerable that I end up snapping at her one day!
    I've found this framework helpful when having a difficult conversation, using I statements so she doesn't feel confronted: https://www.bumc.bu.edu/facdev-medicine/files/2011/08/I-messages-handout.pdf.
    Good luck - it may be a difficult conversation but it might be better to address it before it escalates (she may even get upset if you try to ignore her)!

44. Joanna PoeApril 13,2022 at 1:49PM UTC

    Sounds like the type of person who is desperate for any kind of response, so depriving them of feedback is not going to make it stop.

    A lot of people aren't intentionally malicious, they're just really poorly socialized, and they confuse this type of thing for real interaction.

    It may seem like more effort than it's worth, but have you tried asking this coworker anything about themselves? That's most people's favorite thing to talk about, and deflecting them to talk about something else might help stem the negativity.

45. M BaazaApril 13,2022 at 2:18PM UTC

    This!

46. Deidra MatthewsApril 13,2022 at 1:50PM UTC

    I would provide a positive or optimistic rebuttal to everything negative that she says. After a while, she will understand that you are not the one to go to with negative statements.

    I agree with some of the other comments - she is probably just a negative person all around. Like others said, it probably won't hurt to document.

47. Deidre NolenApril 13,2022 at 2:03PM UTC

    Document her remarks i.e. date, time, location, and what was said. If there is anyone to witness her remarks, document that too.

    Second, I’d make her aware that her comments are offensive. Do this within earshot of someone so if you have to take it higher, you can have someone who witnessed this as well. Be professional about your approach too.

    Last, if she continues with it, even after you’ve politely and respectfully asked her to stop, take it to your manager or HR.

48. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 2:10PM UTC

    The way I deal with these people is to hit them with facts and kindness. For example, I work for the government, so I hear that government comment all the time… I just say in the nicest most sincere way “I work for the government and I have a genius level IQ, several degrees and post baccalaureate certificates. I work for government because I want to serve my country and make a difference in peoples lives.” Then I walk away or smile. Sometimes the best way way to deal with those types of people is to be honest and kind. It take the wind right out of their sails! You look like just a positive person and she looks like exactly what she is, a nasty negative person. Just be a positive voice. She can’t really start an argument, her only rebuttal would be to continue to be nasty, to which You just keep being positive or stop commenting. She can’t complain about you to anyone. She would either have to lie or explain what she said to elicit your response.

49. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 4:08PM UTC

    I used to live in D.C. and my friends were the "deep state." Now I live in the Midwest & I counter the deep state crap with "they are people just like us, and most of them could make more money in the private sector. They have new leadership every 2-4 years, so they work hard to make sure taxpayer money is getting what it pays for without waiting for the Senate to get around to confirming the next top boss."

50. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 2:21PM UTC

    You can't stop people being arseholes, unfortunately.
    And trusting in an HR process to manage things like this is - from my personal experience of dealing with bullying managers - pointless.

    Your best bet is to grow a thicker skin, or find a way to tune out. You most likely won't be alone in feeling this way, if that's any consolation!

51. AyianApril 13,2022 at 2:22PM UTC

    Hi and sorry about your coworker predicament. I see a lot of strategies here to evade a direct conversation about her behavior, but have you considered ... a direct conversation about her behavior? It doesn't have to feel confrontational either, just something along the lines of "I come here to work, not to create personal relationships and I don't appreciate or agree with your world views. I don't find these conversations or comments enjoyable, appropriate, or within the scope of our jobs and would strongly suggest that you find some other person in your life to share them with. Perhaps you have a friend you can talk to outside of work?"

    By using this or similar language, you're being authentic and direct in your communication while also redirecting her attention and setting an appropriate professional boundary, things which you have so far been inadvertent depriving her of.

52. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 4:05PM UTC

    Direct communication is difficult for people who were brought up with indirect communication, but it's a must-have skill for the workplace. Not everyone just "gets" what you mean by your silence. You just have to say it.

53. LaurenApril 13,2022 at 2:27PM UTC

    How come you don’t just tell her matter of factly you aren’t interested in her point of view? You have a family member who works for the govt and don’t find her views amusing or believe them to be true. She has her views and you have yours. The end. It doesn’t have to be a tedious drawn out thing. Tell her how you feel and keep it moving. Especially you don’t even work directly w this person.

54. Barbara WhiteApril 13,2022 at 2:36PM UTC

    My go-to responses with annoying comments are "That's an interesting perspective" or "Everyone is entitled to his/her opinion" and then redirect the conversation to a work-related topic. That's my nice way of saying "That's asinine, and I don't have any interest in discussing it further" or "That's none of your business". I especially use that when people in professional situations (or even acquaintances versus actual friends) think they know more about a particular personal matter than they actually do, because frankly, my personal life is not up for discussion.

55. ChrishoggApril 13,2022 at 2:57PM UTC

    Well, since you asked ...

    This seems to be your problem (and not your co-worker's). Your co-worker is not responsible for how you feel, what you think, or how you react to what she says. These things are YOUR responsibility.

    You say you were hoping she would stop, but it's not gonna happen.

    Just like she is (but who knows?) hoping that you will change the way you react to her, and that you will do what she wants you to do. And again, probably ain't gonna happen.

    So, if you are willing to own your problem, instead of hoping the co-worker will change, what can you do?

    1) She says, "Government workers are stupid." You reply with, "You could be right. I'm sure there must be stupid government workers." And then you simply go on with your work.

    2) She says, "If you do it the way the manual says, you'll have a better end product." You reply with, "You could be right. Thanks." And then you simply go on with your work.

    3) She says, "People who are chronically ill just suck up government money that could be better spent somewhere else." You reply with, "You could be right. Healthcare is a complicated issue." And then you simply go on with your work.

    4) She says, "I told you not to use the brown format for the green report, but you did anyway, and now the department manager is upset." You reply with, "You're right, a different format would have definitely been better." And then you simply go on with your work.

    Now, it sounds like you may have been doing this in the past, when you say, "Up to this point, I’ve tried to keep my responses minimal because I’m not interested in any arguments."

    BUT THEN YOU SAY, "I was hoping (if) I said little, she would stop...." Thus, you are hoping she will change, you are trying to figure out how to get her to change, AND IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!

    This is your problem.

    If I were you, I'd keep on doing what you've been doing, respond with "you could be right" or "you are right" or some other phrases of your liking, and let it go.

    And if you say you can't let it go, that it is just tearing you up inside, then again, whose problem is that, hers ... or yours?

56. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 4:03PM UTC

    Silence is compliance!

    Merely hoping that not feeding the workplace trolls will make them stop doesn't work. Obviously, if this person wanted to start a joint rant or an argument, this behavior would have stopped by now.

    Every office has jerks. As long as they don't interfere with the actual work, they are just annoying pests.

    Also, headphones & trippy music helps.

57. ChrishoggApril 13,2022 at 6:50PM UTC

    Hi Anonymous. You could be right, that not feeding someone with the hope that that person will stop doing something may not work.

    But while I may find the other person's behavior annoying, it's not my role or my responsibility to try to make them stop. Rather, my job is to figure out how to not be annoyed ... I can work on myself, and let the other person work on themself. And to that end, headphones and '50s and '60s doo-wop might just do the trick.

58. Indelible VictoryApril 13,2022 at 4:33PM UTC

    So you're saying that you agree to everything that is stated around you? What kind of mindless person does that and this isn't a coffee shop it's a place of work I pray that you get the oppressive spirits off of your shoulder and you rewind what you posted here because it is terrible advice with no substance other than what you'll learn not to put up with in a domestic abuse household counseling session!

59. ChrishoggApril 13,2022 at 6:40PM UTC

    Dear Indelible --- You could be right, and this could be terrible advice. Thanks for the input.

60. AnonymousApril 14,2022 at 2:51AM UTC

    Honestly, I appreciate all perspectives on this.
    I’m trying to navigate the situation before it becomes a problem. It’s not causing me crazy stress or anything, I just recognized something I was having trouble with and wanted to hear fresh perspectives from a supportive group. It helps.

61. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 6:50PM UTC

    I don’t disagree that the problem is me because I’m the one who is annoyed, but I absolutely do not think I should respond how you suggest. It’s too draining and it seems like it only invites her to debate. Someone mentioned “feeding a troll” and it does feel a bit like that whenever anyone disagrees with her.

62. ChrishoggApril 13,2022 at 9:35PM UTC

    Hi, anonymous.

    Thanks for responding back, and I appreciate getting your feedback.

    And of course, you're living it, so all you're getting from me is some random stranger's opinion.

    But I feel the need to wonder why you feel that a quick answer that takes less than 5 seconds would be draining, even if it happens 10 or 15 times a day.

    From my vantage point, you're allowing yourself to be sucked into something that obviously upsets you, and as long as you're willing to play along with this person, I contend it's still your problem, as you're trying to figure out how to make it stop.

    I'm reminded of something I heard a loooong time ago (I just celebrated my 80th birthday, so maybe I'm a little mellower than you young folks) which is:

    Don't get in a fight with a pig; you'll both get muddy, but the pig enjoys it.

    But hey, you do you, and if you do figure out how to end this person's little game, please let the rest of us know how you did it, so we'll be prepared when it happens to us.

63. Arlene Frances Gottardo (Bryak)April 13,2022 at 3:11PM UTC

    Blah, blah, blah- let this go

64. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 3:21PM UTC

    If they aren't careful they could potentially face a lawsuit for allowing a hostile work environment to continue, and also for allowing someone to continue to bully others. Not to mention if someone else knows that this is happening to you, and then it starts to happen to them and you don't do anything in some jurisdictions they can also potentially sue you too, because you didn't report it.

    Also, make sure to keep a journal with everything written down in it that happens to you, including management's failure to do anything to put a stop to it once it's reported.

    I was bullied and harassed by other co-workers including management, and upper management (corporate) knew about it and failed to put a stop to it, and instead wrongfully terminated me after I filed a complaint with the EEOC. I ended up getting an out of court settlement that included lost wages from my former employer that allowed me to start my own small business. Also, only 1 of my former bullies/harassers still works for the company, most of them were let go for other reasons according to the company, but I find it awfully suspicious that it all occurred shortly after I filed my EEOC complaint that they lost their jobs. I have no regrets for what I did, because no one should have to work in a hostile work environment where they are bullied/harassed on a regular basis.

65. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 4:00PM UTC

    "how to best respond " ... how about settling for a good enough response?

    If you don't work closely together, how are you having these conversations? Lunch room? Workspaces?

    One way to shut down extraneous conversations in a workspace is just to say you're trying to focus and need some quiet for the next hour.

    People who are full of opinions will have an opinion about you no matter what you do, and their opinions probably won't matter to the people who matter in your job. They most likely see through the BS. Before ticking her off more, try to gauge how others feel about her. If she has social and political capital, you are kind of stuck with non-responses (google 'grey rock").

66. Ruth A. Ford, PHRApril 13,2022 at 4:09PM UTC

    Yikes, there is some over the top advice here and some unhelpful advice here, so I am going to try to come down in the middle.

    The comments you are describing -- while insensitive and annoying (LOL) -- sound harmless. Since we aren't talking about harassment or any other type of discrimination, I would not recommend documenting everything and/or going to HR with this. To me, this sounds like a classic personality conflict...so, I would look for ways to diffuse it.

    If co-worker says something like, "Government employees are stupid" I would counter with something like, "That's a stereotype. My dad worked for the government and he was honest, hard working and cared about the work he did." Of course, a response means you are opening the door for additional chatter...but don't treat it like a debate. Just try to redirect her without getting upset, which will only escalate the issue.

    I feel your pain on this. As a woman of color, I can't tell you how many times I've been in work situations where co-workers have made off-the-wall/insensitive/off-color comments. I've learned over the years that it's best to address it in the moment, move on and don't let it get to you/escalate. And again, my advice would be much different if we were talking about harassment or discrimination. Good luck!

67. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 6:43PM UTC

    Thank you! It’s correct that her remarks are generally harmless. They insensitive and annoying, but not anywhere near the level harassment. I am usually very busy and these interactions slow down my productivity, so these suggestions are very helpful.

68. Krystin MorganApril 14,2022 at 12:45AM UTC

    I agree with this!

69. Indelible VictoryApril 15,2022 at 5:55AM UTC

    I appreciate your feedback and will take it into consideration.
    Let me further explain my response. Business is Business and there is no on the clock room for Politics, Personal Agendas, or Debby Downer Language, okay. Reason being is simple, when lack of boundaries are put into place because proper communication is not being spoken, then a person will continue 2 allow these types of annoying situations in all aspects of their life. I have learned that little things add up and there is no problem, until there is a problem. And sometimes both parties need to rewind their thoughts, their moods, their words, their actions at work.
    If professionalism had been announced properly on day one at every corporation to small businesses, then there would not be many unfortunate job losses or lawsuits every single day, in every single state and all occupations in all walks of life.
    All you ladies on here have fantastic points of views, mine is from a background in Day Spa ownership, medical massage therapist, bartender and being a strategic advisor.

70. Indelible VictoryApril 13,2022 at 4:26PM UTC

    She has a controlling abusive spirit that is doing its best to oppress you. It obviously affects your production at work or you wouldn't be asking for help on this chat. I will pray that the absolutely non-business talk and unacceptable beyond pleasantries in your work environment is put to a cease and desist and that the light shines through you and that woman also finds a more positive approach to life so she may disperse of the ill will chatter.

    I recommend documentation, facts of what is said, what you were working on and what the outcome was and should have been. Also, state concern with human resources department and let somebody that is more qualified because they know what is acceptable in that work environment due to the rules and regulations in the employee's handbooks know this is bothering you and HR should know how to best handle your situation. Then it depends on how everything is treated and that is why many states have the whistleblower policy put in place.

    Indelible Victory focused,

    Jasmine

71. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 4:34PM UTC

    I think you can be direct and blunt . “ That is offensive to me.” Or maybe a softer approach is “ I do not share your opinion” . If she tries to change your mind about it and keep talking about the topic , You can simply say you don’t think it is appropriate workplace topic or conversation. And leave it at that. If she continues, then you do need to let your boss know it is happening, I would want to know with any of my team members, if they were the other party, or liked you so I could help address it. Most managers want their employee’s to feel like they belong and are accepted- it’s really what we all want. Another person making this comments would not be conducive to making someone feel like they truly belong. Best of luck and please update us!

72. RickApril 13,2022 at 4:47PM UTC

    I suggest being direct and letting her know what is on your mind when she says. E.g. When she says "that people who work for the government are stupid and have no brain." Let her know that your dad worked for the government and ask how well she knew your dad. If she doesn't backpedal at this it lets you know there is a more serious issue. If she tell you what you think, what you like, what you do. Ask her how she knows that.

    In a non confrontation way, keep turning the conversation so she has to backpedal. She should get the hint and stop.

73. Rachael YoungApril 13,2022 at 4:51PM UTC

    I'm sorry to hear you are experiencing this.
    I'm unsure of all the details here, but I will assume you work directly together enough that it's not just a passing comment in a lift and therefore a regular occurrence. Let's not make assumptions, at this stage it is highly likely that your co-worker doesn't know that its offensive to you, so lets give her the benefit of the doubt that she isn't intentionally targeting you, she just doesn't know your boundaries and clearly the company rules on behaviour. In these situations unfortunately you need to be direct and forthcoming with feedback, but do it privately as there is no reason for others to be involved. Giving direct feedback is not offensive, unless you make it offensive, and is a kindness to think about others and give them an opportunity to correct their behaviour and grow. If you don't tell her, she won't. If you want to challenge her and understand, you can ask her "What do you mean?" on the spot. This will put her in a position to self-reflect on what her intentions actually are. Otherwise, be brave and ask to speak to her privately away from everyone else. Then kindly tell her that it is nice that she wants to build a good working relationship with you, but you are finding it difficult to reciprocate as some of her comments relate to your personal life circumstances. Feel free to give her an example. Tell her that, you want to have a good working relationship, but in order to do that, you would like her to think about the context of some of the comments she makes and how they impact other people. If the behaviour doesn't change, then of course speak with your Manager for coaching you through to a resolution :)

74. Anne BernhardtApril 13,2022 at 4:55PM UTC

    Quick and simple -

    Say: "That's an interesting perspective"

    Then walk away.

75. Karen GongawareApril 13,2022 at 5:10PM UTC

    Agree with Anne below!

76. GirlBossanova934974April 13,2022 at 5:20PM UTC

    I worked for the Federal Government for 5 years and a lot of my coworkers were not the most motivated in the world. Then again, I could say the same thing about working in private industry for 20 years. I have always liked the line out of the 1980s' Patrick Swayze movie, 'Road-House'. When confronted with an adverse opinion about himself from a fellow bouncer, Swayze responds, "Opinions Vary"!! PS: There is too much going on everyday in the workplace to get concerned about offhand viewpoints and such.

77. Brenda CrawshawApril 13,2022 at 5:29PM UTC

    "She doesn’t know me well enough to say the things she says."

    "YOU don't know me well enough to say the things YOU say to me." - fixed it for ya....

    All joking aside, you said it in the nutshell. I would let her know - kindly but dispassionately - that she's offended you several times. That you've let it slide because you are a kind person and didn't want to embarrass her. And that you are sharing this with her because other people might be so kind or patient.

    And this is DEFINITELY a "HER" problem.

    Also, if she posits her opinions as a question, one of the most effective strategies I have used is to, again, in a very emotionless manner, pause, look the person in the eye and ask "Why would you ask that?". They are forced to "justify" their question and given that most are not justifiable, they are left in their own miasma of awkwardness.

78. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 5:31PM UTC

    First, I think this is important to determine what category this falls into.

    That will tell you how best to respond. I've had coworkers who could be occasional brats but could get along with them otherwise. I've had raving covert malignant narcissists who badmouthed me, affected others' opinions of me, and made it hard to get my job done in a plethora of ways. So, is she just occasionally irritating and you have to suppress an occasional eye-roll or is she causing you real problems? Does she make you feel like she is trying her best to run you off the job?

    If you feel she fits the latter, you will likely do your best to limit time with her in the same room. keep conversations, short, and use what is called the "gray rock method." This involves saying very little, being totally unemotional and uninteresting to the narcissist, and saying things like, "Well, it sounds like that's important to you," or "That's an interesting perspective," and things like that. Dr. Rahmani on YouTube the best expert on this subject. There are a few other experts as well.

    With the non-toxic brat, for a lack of a better term, you can use some similar tactics, the main difference being though, you don't want to correct or let a narcissist know that what they're saying bothers you. With a brat, you can carefully communicate the inappropriateness of their behavior. Don't use "I feel" statements though; it can convey weakness. A good YT channel for responding to the occasional brat is Online Communication Skills Training Courses. Also, you probably don't have to be as vigilant and can let things go with an eye-roll, after they're no longer looking at you of course :)

    To those on here who want to victim-shame and otherwise be a jerk, please ignore them. The workplace can feel like a real minefield, and it is hard to know how much threat people around you pose to your career. Take care.

79. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 6:40PM UTC

    Thank you. I am not sure which category she fits because I haven’t know her long enough. I know she changes jobs a lot and she’s bumped heads with other people in our workplace.

    I am not interested in being friends or complaining to HR, I am just looking for ways to navigate this and this helps. Thank you!

80. Melissa LehmanApril 14,2022 at 10:44AM UTC

    I'm (informally) familiar with the concept, but I never heard of "gray rock" before. Love it - thanks for sharing.

81. AnonymousApril 24,2022 at 4:39PM UTC

    Yes! Especially the last paragraph!!!

82. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 7:11PM UTC

    Complacency is almost as big of an issue as the things that are being said. Don't look at it as getting her in trouble, but instead coaching her for success. Not very many employers (good ones anyway) are going to tolerate this behavior.

83. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 7:32PM UTC

    I agree with posters suggesting to speak up professionally and directly “ That is offensive to me.” or “ I do not share your opinion” .

    Continued pushing from her would justify stronger language emphasizing that such comments are not appropriate in workplace/workplace conversations.

    If there is more continuation from her, then elevate to managers/HR.

    Either way - speak up! Keeping mouth shut to "keep the peace" is merely dishonoring your boundaries.

84. Doris AppelbaumApril 13,2022 at 10:17PM UTC

    I agree: If there is more continuation from her, then elevate to managers/HR.

    Either way - speak up! Keeping mouth shut to "keep the peace" is merely dishonoring your boundaries.

85. Diane HayesApril 13,2022 at 7:38PM UTC

    I find it hard to believe that successful men and women in your company (or any company) ruminate over this kind of thing.

86. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 10:18PM UTC

    To the contrary, I think successful people put time and thought into interpersonal communication.

87. Wanda ShawApril 13,2022 at 8:03PM UTC

    Oh no.
    This person is trying to be manipulative and controlling AND IT'S UNACCEPTABLE. Don't know if she feels marginalized or belittled in some area of her life or work, but she shouldn't (and has no right to ) deflect this on you. Opinions are one thing...everyone has one. But when you spew them out without regard to where you are then there's a problem. You are a living, thinking adult and not some member of her "gang" and you can and should politely but firmly tell her that you don't agree with her opinions and that you can speak up for yourself.

88. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 8:05PM UTC

    The person who wrote:

    "... speak up! Keeping your mouth shut to "keep the peace" is merely dishonoring your boundaries" is on point. Might I add, you're dishonoring yourself. There is a quote that says we teach people how to treat us. I believe this is true. This woman won't know what she is saying is offensive unless you tell her that it is. Say something like...

    (Her name), I find that statement - all government workers are stupid, offensive. My father is a govt. worker and he is one of the hardest working persons I know. I would appreciate it if you would refrain from saying things like this when we are together. You're not being rude, just telling her how you feel.

    I know it is scary to speak out but it is like working an unused muscle. The more you use it the more comfortable it becomes. Don't give away your power! Best regards,

    Faith

89. AnonymousApril 13,2022 at 8:44PM UTC

    I understand where you are coming from with this perspective (I'm not the OP by the way), I have done this very thing, trying to stand up for myself.

    The thing is is that it does not work with someone with a full-blown personality disorder, and unfortunately, there are more these types of people than I'd like to think about.

    For example, this might be okay for someone who is an immature brat and hasn't learned to quite grow up. With a malignant narcissist, they will gaslight you by saying something like, "I'm not being rude! I don't ever even talk to you anyway," "You're being too sensitive," "You don't know how to get past anything" and worse. Then they'll use triagulation to pull other people in and turn them against you. If you have a passive, enabling boss, forget about it. Just run and work somewhere else. The abuse will not end. With these types, it is best to use the gray rock method as I mentioned, because telling them you won't stand for their nonsense, will have them retaliating. I guess it depends on your boss too, and if they put an end to toxic behavior or if they just enable it.

    That is why there are methods of dealing with a brat and methods of dealing with a narcissist or personality disordered types. Also, personality disordered types are often masters at managing their outside perception, making them look good as gold on the outside and buttering up the right people behind closed doors, while destroying anyone they feel is a threat.

    I had the unfortunate luck to encounter these types of people for the first time in the past 5 or so years of my career, and I had to learn quickly traditional communication methods don't work on certain types of people.

    Another tip is to make sure you are not isolated, regardless of how discouraged you are. Try your best to have a good relationship with your supervisor and make sure you have other friends or colleagues you interact with at work. Make sure the troublemaker knows you are not isolated, so you are not an easy target. There is strength in numbers.

90. AnonymousApril 24,2022 at 4:37PM UTC

    Yes, so true! I literally can't add anything more because you said it all and said it perfectly.

91. Doris AppelbaumApril 13,2022 at 10:14PM UTC

    Have you discussed this situation with the leader of your department?

92. AnonymousApril 14,2022 at 12:12AM UTC

    Engaging with annoying people is a slippery slope.

    They are everywhere in life and we need to learn to let it not steal our joy.

    When you are confident and successful these kinds of people are so far off our path you can't invest an ounce of energy doing anything but paying attention to the great people supporting your journey.

93. April MinerApril 14,2022 at 5:21PM UTC

    Perfect answer.

    I like your responses. Very positive and uplifting. Now, lets be real. I've worked in corporate companies or start ups for years. Sadly, these individuals do impact your everyday journey , and sometimes hold up your progression. I had a supervisor who wouldn't recommend me for projects because she thought I was after her position. Funny enough, I was looking to be transferred to another more technical team in the organization. Another supervisor used a coaching session to bully and verbally assault me, while waiving my contract over my head. However, I have learned to accept the journey and carry on. Long story short, I ended up leaving both companies for better positions and a more positive /supportive atmosphere. You live and learn.

94. AnonymousApril 14,2022 at 6:37PM UTC

    I'm glad you didn't let it eat you alive.

    I always smile and dodge their engagement. I also cultivate a reputation that keeps me out of reach because I have support high up. So no I do not allow them to get under my skin.

95. AnonymousApril 14,2022 at 1:06AM UTC

    I have a few of these where I work too. Here are my coping mechanisms for this type of narcissistic behavior. 1) I minimize contact with said person whenever possible. 2) When the person says something offensive, ask them to keep the conversation relevant to business-focused discussion and constructive problem-solving. 3) If neither of those are helpful bring it up with your supervisor. 4) If that doesn't do any good then go to HR. Some of what she is saying does pertain to protected classes and medical information.

    Hope this helps!

96. Rosa GoesApril 14,2022 at 8:33PM UTC

    I think you need to be direct with her. If she knows your dad worked for the gov't and about your husband, then you can say something like 'that is offensive to me, you know about my dad and husband, so I would appreciate it if you stop making those comments or I will have to walk away, request to be moved (not sure if your desk is next to hers), etc.' Even if she doesn't know, you can say it's offensive and walk away. You have no control over her, but you can control yourself.

97. AnonymousApril 15,2022 at 9:14AM UTC

    Although it's hard, it is possible to detach from offensive comments to reduce defensiveness and respond rather than react. This is a hard skill (I haven't mastered it) but I do know learning and trying this has been one of the smarter things I've done in my life (I'm a woman of color and the comments I get are mind bending!!).

    The biggest problem is that she is defining you, asserting who you are, what you like, etc. That's someone who not only has boundary issues but likely grew up in an abusive household. Healthy people do not tell others what they like, that's a sign of severe dysfunction. Her personality is not a functioning one.

    Long story short, 11 years ago I met a friend who told me that I didn't want what i wanted, I was stunned. Recently I discovered she has a serious personality disorder. She'll never change. You won't change this person either. But what you can do is understand that she's been abused and as a result of her pain, she's unable to shift her world view and reactions. Empathizing with the situation can work to minimize this coworkers "powers" while you gain the knowledge to figure things out. Its empowering in one sense but I also know how dreadful and hopeless it feels. I'm going through this with my histrionic friend who is very similar to your co worker.

98. Paula BrantnerApril 18,2022 at 3:28PM UTC

    I would just say "I'm not having any more of this conversation. We don't agree on XX and I have work to do." Then walk away.

    Just don't engage, but don't remain silent either. Make clear where your boundary is and that you'll stick to it every time. And then do that without fail.

    Once she realizes that she's not getting anywhere, then she will either stop, or if she keeps going, you won't have to listen.

99. Liz MilneApril 24,2022 at 1:35AM UTC

    I would just tell her plainly. 'My dad works for the government and I find your statement that govt workers are stupid to be personally offensive.' 'My husband is one of those people who you seem to be wishing dead. I wish you would be more sensitive in your statements.'

    And when she tells you what you think, put her right: 'You don't like filing, do you?' 'I don't mind it. However, I'm not paid to do it, you are.'

    And keep your voice level and calm while you do call her out, and don't let her antagonise you - if she starts moaning that you are being mean, just say, 'No, I'm correcting your false statement/ impression. I'm just here to do my job/' OR just say what you need to then turn back to your work and don't respond to her at all, unless she is apologising for her tactlessness!

100. AnonymousMay 24,2022 at 8:59PM UTC

     Thank you for the excellent suggestions. I simply worked on doing what I can to avoid her and it’s helped a lot. This has only been a mild inconvenience which is well worth the benefit of not having to listen to her. When I have been “trapped” in the same spot with her, I just think about how to escape the conversation rather than the substance of what she is saying. I try not to be rude, but there is no reason why I need to listen to her opinions. She doesn’t seem to stay at any job for very long anyway.