When the Question "How Are You Doing?" Isn’t Just Small Talk
Feon Chau
When the Question "How Are You Doing?" Isn’t Just Small Talk
We’ve all had those moments when a seemingly simple question lands differently. For me, it happened during a 1-on-1 with my director. He started with:
"How are you doing?"
It could have been a polite inquiry, but given the context—and my not-so-private hallway breakdown earlier that week—it was clear this wasn’t small talk.
The Setup
I looked at him and asked:
"Are you asking how I’m doing in general, or if I’ve thought about my career development over the next few years?"
He looked stunned. Then he said, "Well, I think I saw you crying in the hallway the other day."
Fair point. That happened. I nodded and replied:
"Yes, that’s right. If you’re asking how I’m doing in general, it’s clear to everyone—and the leadership team—that I’m not doing well."
No need to sugarcoat things at this point.
Shifting the Focus to Career
"Okay," he said, "so what have you thought about your career?"
I responded candidly:
"Yes, I’ve been thinking a lot about that. If the school has any plans for my future direction, I’d like to know so I can prepare myself as soon as possible."
This seemed to catch him off guard again. After a pause, he asked:
"Do you have any feedback for me?"
I didn’t hold back:
"I feel the school is heading in a different direction. And clearly, I haven’t been happy. That’s evident to everyone on the leadership team."
Facing the Unspoken Truth
He hesitated, then asked if I had considered other opportunities.
"What plans for direction from the school do I need to know?" I pressed.
After some vague responses, I decided to stop the dance.
"Let’s be completely honest. When would you like me to step away from my current role? I’ll adjust things at my end."
Finally, he admitted the school was considering a replacement, likely for the next academic year.
Lessons from an Honest Conversation
These conversations are never easy. They’re raw, messy, and uncomfortable, but they can also bring clarity. Here’s what I took away:
Directness is freeing. When the writing is on the wall, leaning into the truth saves time and emotional energy.
Trust your intuition. If you feel a mismatch between your direction and your organization’s, name it.
Ask the hard questions. It might make others uncomfortable, but it will give you the answers you need to move forward.
I walked out of that meeting not with all the answers but with a sense of agency over my next steps. Sometimes, that’s enough to start charting a new path.
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