DISCUSSIONS

A couple of weeks ago my daughter was admitted to the hospital to be treated for depression and anxiety that led to suicidal thoughts and attempts.

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Anonymous

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A couple of weeks ago my daughter was admitted to the hospital to be treated for depression and anxiety that led to suicidal thoughts and attempts. I was out of the office for the week she was an inpatient, for obvious reasons.

I scheduled an appointment with HR and the VP (my direct report) the following week to notify them that I am unable to carry the weight of my job at this time as my focus needs to be redirected towards my daughter and her recovery/therapy. HR was more than understanding and supportive, but the VP told me that I cannot leave or take leave as the company is “too busy.” I was told that I need to do my job, find candidates to fill vacant positions within the department, and create a schedule to be available for work, based on my availability. Reluctant, but understating the weight of my position, I agreed to give it a try as my other concern are the expected medical bills. I sent him an email the following day outlining that I would work on my typical days (m-f) from 6am to 2pm and answer as many emails as possible throughout the evening. I received a “thank you.”

3 days later I received a call from HR stating that the VP wants to reduce my pay $30,000 without a change in title or responsibilities. Is this even legal?!

The company I work for requires manager level and above (I’m a Director) to sign a contract which includes a 90-day notice or payment of 15% of your annual salary to break contract. Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t leave a job without notice, but due to this critical time and situation I was asking to take leave or be released from contract so I could focus on my daughter’s health as well as my own. She is being homeschooled this year so ongoing therapy can be a priority in her schedule, I am a single parent, and have no family where we live. My employer is aware of all of these things.

This has all been a nightmare. With the trauma of all that has been happening with my daughter, medical bills expecting to arrive any day now (out of pocket will likely be somewhere between $10k and $20k) and even more stress from work, I feel like I am at a breaking point. I’m stressed to the point of having panic attacks on almost a daily basis. Any advice is appreciated. I feel stuck.

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  1. Anonymous

    I am so very sorry that all of this is happening to you and your daughter. Are you able to take FMLA (there are certain requirements you need to fit, such as how long you've worked in this job, how many hours, how many employees are employed by the business, etc.)? My understanding is that FMLA is meant for cases like this.

  2. Anonymous

    I am so sorry for you having to deal with this! I am a single parent of two boys and can relate to some degree.

    I'm glad that you asked off. I would have understood if you didn't though- as your daughter is #1 and for me, work would have been a diversion.

    I loved your plan of 6a-2p and emails later if... I think FMLA is perfect for this situation. Your VP is clueless and one day, VP will have a personal emergency as well.

    Please keep us posted and continue to take care of your daughter and yourself.

    If they let you go, this is unemployment territory. You offered a solution and....then go on Medicaid. It sounds "bad" like, oh no, "welfare!!" but I know that once everything calms down,byou can have a re-set for you and your daughter.

    Sending hugs and love!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Anonymous

    Typos, my bad

  4. Anonymous

    Can you take FMLA?

  5. Daphne Valcin

    Hi,

    Without me being a lawyer, my take on this is that it could definitely be a legal matter depending on the state and any contracts associated with your employment. You could research to see if you can find pro-bono legal services, or sign up for a service like LegalShield to get legal services at a lower cost (even if you sign up for a limited time), or if you are friends with an employment lawyer or know someone who knows one, you may want to have a conversation to see what your options are.

  6. Jackie Ruka

    It sounds like they are sticking to the contract agreement you signed. Which basically sounds legal .
    I was in a similar position with an emergency and they docked my pay and commissions.
    Which was only for a quarter. And honestly I did not miss the money as health and well being was at stake. I still did my job but I did the basics til I got back in the to business as usual
    So, can you take family leave instead?
    This way you can handle you, your daughter , schooling and her recovery full time. And be rested and on board full time after family leave is met? And keep your insurance intact.
    Look at your company options.
    Your daughter needs you and so does your job but life is in the balance.
    They can find a temp if necessary til you get back.
    Don’t react to a boss. Look at company options for family leave first. Your boss can figure it out without you for a bit.
    In your corner!

  7. Anonymous

    Also depending on where you live you may be eligible for paid family leave. Find an attorney who can advise you. Consider taking leave for yourself. Be well and take care.

  8. Anonymous

    Oh wow!! I am so sorry to hear about your daughter and I sincerely send her, you and the rest of your family strength & healing. I agree with the comments below regarding taking FMLA and researching legal representation about your case. This is a lot to navigate but I am hopeful everything will work out in your favor.

  9. Anonymous

    I would contact an attorney asap and then demand Emergency Family Leave from your company to attend to the urgent needs of your daughter( I believe you can get up to 3 months). Provide your attorney a copy of your Employment Agreement to better understand your rights under the current conditions.

    Take care of your daughter and your health. This job, medical bills and other issues will be there once the urgency of your situation has subsided.

    You should also look into any emergency assistance programs your company has available for crisis support. It's important you prioritize your well-being.

  10. Anonymous

    Thank you everyone for your love, prayers, hugs, and support. It means the world to me that you took the time to comment and provide suggestions.

    Unfortunately I changed jobs earlier this years, so I haven't been with the company long enough. FMLA laws state you need to be with the employer for 12 months. The company is big, with over 1,000 employees and I work well over full time, typically 60-70 hours per week.

    My options are as follows:
    1) be fired immediately (which they won't do since they will then owe me the 15% salary severance)
    2) resign and work my final 90-days
    3) resign and pay 15% of my annual salary to get out of my contract

    I am emailing HR tonight to see if there is any other option, but I am pretty confident these are the only 3 options I have. All are costly in many ways. Prayers are welcome and appreciated.

  11. Tish Nowack

    what a difficult situation you are facing. I hope you can get some help figuring this out and be able to take care of your daughter.

  12. Lisa

    I don't know where you live, but here in New Jersey, there is family leave insurance. It is not the same as the family leave ACT..

    It offers you the Benefits along the same lines as unemployment. However it does not offer protection from being fired.

    You don't actually need the employer's permission to do this.... you need doctor's certification.

    I did this Kama and yes my employer let me go…. But I have the I have the 80% of my pay benefits a benefits for 3 months before unemployment kicks in.

    Look into this. it will save your sanity.

  13. Lisa

    Sorry for the horrible word word repetition but my speech to text is running amuck.

  14. Anonymous

    Not the OP, but how do you look into this? With your job or the state? My company doesn’t have FMLA and my state (GA) doesn’t have any laws in place either. I presented my company with a doctor’s note, and it wasn’t accepted.

  15. Anonymous

    Even though you haven’t been with the company long enough to qualify for FMLA, fill out the paperwork. Do you have any other type of leave available? Ask. Apply. And seek out legal counsel, immediately. $30,000 reduction in pay seems extreme, you’re still working an 8 hr work day.

  16. Anonymous

    I’d be curious what HR says. They sounded more supportive initially. I’d say don’t quit and make them work with you. If they cut pay temporarily address that later in a legal action after you have dealt with your daughter. Right now that is what you need to focus on. But you should not be forced to choose between your job and your child. If your VP wants to stick to that position you can seek legal advice later. Document all conversations in writing. That is, have them all in writing so they can’t later claim they never said something.

  17. rgstaffing@bellsouth.net

    i agree with most everyone's comments. This is out of my league but i definitely believe you need some legal assistance. The most important thing is that your daughter receives the treatment that she needs and as a mother, I believe you need to be with her. Can you recruit any family support even though they do not live near you. This is the time when co=parenting is really necessary, especially for you. What job do you have that requires 90 day notice? I wish the company was more compassionate.

  18. Anonymous

    What a horrible company. A special place in hell awaits that VP. My thoughts and prayers for you and your daughter, and for you to find a better job. Assuming your daughter is under 18 there should be (I don't know the correct terminology) a child study/advocacy team. A social worker may be able to advise you on your rights as a parent and financial help. An an employment lawyer for your rights to family leave and breaking the contract, and unemployment eligibility. Good luck.

  19. Lisa Doorly

    I echo the sentiments around it being a horrible company. Get some legal advice and get out of this hellhole. You have a toxic boss.

  20. Christina J

    I just wanted you to know you seem like a very caring person. You are valued and worthy to be loved and appreciated. No company or person has the right to treat anyone in the manor they have treated you. I am hoping you are able to find a new job, your daughter is doing better and I agree when people have said to get some legal advice to the money situation. Record all documentation through emails not phone calls and if they tell you they have to talk on the phone tell them email is the best way for contact due to your circumstances.

    Wishing you all the best!

  21. Anonymous

    This should qualify under the Family Medical Leave act. Caring for a family member of any age is precisely what it should be used for. Depending on your state &/or company policy it may be unpaid.

  22. Anonymous

    I agree with the comments regarding talking to an employment law attorney. You mention this is a large company below. Not sure if you had a legal benefit insurance or if your company has EAP that might be able to refer you or assist in some manner. What bothers me is that you did offer a solution to work your hours so are you sure they aren't in breach of the contract you signed? You are more familiar with what you signed and the requirements but it isn't as if you weren't willing to do your role - you offered alternative hours and to check email at night so I don't understand the justification of the $30k reduction. If you are willing to pay hardball, tell HR to put your options in writing and that you will provide those and your contract to your attorney and get back to them in 3 days or whatever you can do. Ask them to include the reason behind the $30k reduction since you offered an alternative work schedule. You never know how that might turn out - they may just come up with some sort of variation when you mention "attorney." Big companies tend to be very worried about being sued. Additionally, I would look for another role because it is going to be uncomfortable even if you work something out. You might have your attorney draft an offer to get you out in a reasonable timeframe (settlement or negotiation of some sort). Definitely talk to an attorney on this one.

  23. Anonymous

    Sending you and your daughter hugs and strength to make it through this hard time.
    Shame on your employer for not allowing you to focus on your daughter right now.
    I am not well versed with the legal stuff and FMLA but if you have anyone that you know that works in HR at any company they may know and may be able to help you understand. Or if you are in the financial position to get legal advice I would.
    You deserve better!!

  24. Donna Dixon Jones

    First I want to say I am sorry for what you are going through with your daughter and to let you know you are not alone. I don’t have any advice as to your position but would like to suggest that you contact your local chapter of NAMI. They are an amazing organization that provides support nationally for people and loved ones faced with mental health challenges. Best of luck. ?

  25. Kathleen Puls Andrade

    I’m not sure if this will help you in terms of your job, but I hope you can find at least some support with NAMI, the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill. They have lots of resources and support and may be able to help.

  26. anne razzaboni

    Family should always come first. Jobs come and go and your health and that of your family is more important. If your company has more than 50 employees and has had more than 50 for 20 weeks then you would be eligible for FMLA.

  27. Anonymous

    on point.

  28. Anonymous

    Hi, have you considered finding a role that will allow you to focus on your daughter's health? With what you describe, you don't know how long it will take to get her back to better health and this could very well be your new normal. Director level and above roles oftentimes will require you to work more than a 40+ hour workweek that's why those positions receive a higher level of compensation....I bet you they even give you a cell phone because you need to be available to answer that email, text or phone call anytime of day.

    You asked about the legality of reducing your pay. I would check the specifics in your state, but I'm willing to bet that they ran this through their legal department and HR and confirmed that they can do it. I've seen a company reduce employee pay by 10% and increase their responsibilities. I've also seen a company change someone's comp structure from salary to hourly.

    I think that the one thing that this whole pandemic is showing people, is that it's OK to take a step back so that you can focus on what's really important in life and if your company won't accommodate you there are many more that will.

    I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you and your daughter get to a better place.

  29. Anonymous

    you don't mention FMLA; you need to apply for FMLA. Federal Law will protect you during this time under FMLA, so you can afford to take the time off you need (perhaps without pay, but still protected job-wise). Your primary care provider (not your daughter's) will complete the FMLA paperwork for you. Make an appt with your PCP immediately and bring the FMLA paperwork with you (talk with HR again to get this form). you've provided alot of info here and overall, your boss is being a jerk. don't think he/she can reduce your salary- you (and they) are bound by a contract. Regardless of boss being a jerk or not, you need to complete the FMLA paperwork to protect your employment and give you the freedom to come/go caring for your daughter. Your employer is not required to keep paying you full salary, but you'll still have a job. hope this helps.

  30. Anonymous

    I assume you are in the USA and I also agree that you are covered by FMLA here so you can take 3 months off to help your daughter (and yourself) recover. ALSO - I also learned the hard way in life that YOU DO NOT NEED TO TELL YOUR BOSS WHY you are out. You simply initiate the FMLA conversation and loop in your HR department and the HR department should take it from there.

  31. Anonymous

    I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. I totally agree with the FMLA option. I would also suggest finding another position while you are off if you have time. Any organization that would do this is not the place for you.

  32. Shelby C

    First off, I want to say thank you for being open enough to realize that your daughter needed help and being brave enough to find it for her. This is going to be a journey for both of you and not a sprint to a finish line.

    There is so much of a stigma placed on mental health in our world, but it IS healthcare. Our hearts, minds, and souls need to be cared for just like our bodies do. There shouldn't be any shame in that. People should be proud that they are brave enough to seek help. It takes courage.

    She will most likely need an IOP once she is discharged. If you decide to go the public schooling route, which may be best for her at this time, a 504 will offer her the protections she needs. You will need an AARD as soon as possible. It is my understanding that any type of schooling that receives one penny of federal money has to adhere to the protections a 504 would give her (504's are basically federal protection under special circumstances that would not normally be given to children under the SpEd umbrella).

    She may be better off in a BIC or DAEP program (alternative school) in a public school if she is still a danger to herself. If she is in BIC (think self-paced Study Hall with Teachers), she can still have "out" classes (regular with her peers), but they will have her at least one period and monitor her progress. She won't even be allowed to go to the bathroom without a staff member for her own safety.

    BIC kids are not allowed to wear lanyards, have sharp objects, etc. When they go to the bathroom, they have to pull their pockets inside out and remove their shoes before a pat down. Then, the staff member stands outside the unlocked door while they go to the bathroom. It is unpleasant, but is saves lives.

    My husband is a Teacher and he started in a Behavioral Inclusion Classroom. They are basically for anyone that has any kind of need that a traditional classroom can't meet for one reason or another, they are a danger to themselves or others, homeless, issues with attendance, etc.... They grab all of the high risk kids and put them together, but they are NOT allowed to socialize with one another. It is not The Breakfast Club. You don't want all the high risk kids clicking up.

    As far as you are concerned, if you are a Director, you are most likely an exempt employee. If they haven't had you punching a clock before, they can't start making you now. If they push it, you can ask to be paid for all of your OT and compensated for your PTO, but that might now go over so well.

    What these ignoramuses have failed to realize is that you are protected by a small federal protecting as well.... It is called FMLA. I wonder if they have heard of it.

    Also, your boss is an ass who cares more about profits that people. You don't want to work for him anymore. If you can get a P&T so you will keep your benefits, I would say go for it. You are stuck with the company due to a 90 day waiting period. You have a sick child and he is exploiting that.

    If you work part-time, how does it effect your benefits??? I have worked with some real asses, but this is bad. Lower your pay and take away benefits in the midst of a global pandemic when the medical bills are about to start rolling in?

    I am sorry. ((Hug))

  33. Sarah Mudd

    I'm so sorry this is going on though glad you are able to be there for your daughter. I agree with the other posters about FMLA. I would also consider reaching out to an employment lawyer in your area to get advice. In my experience, HR is there to protect the company, not the employee. I wouldn't count on confidentiality if you tell anything to HR.

  34. JYJ

    A good employment lawyer will do a consult for free. In the meantime, you are protected by FMLA. Get that process started immediately.

  35. Rachel

    Love this answer, and second it.

  36. TK

    wow your VP is a jerk! sounds like FMLA is what your next steps should be. your focus should be your daughter and not your VPs problems. i hope you find a solution that works.

  37. Anonymous

    Hello! I agree with the other posts here. I am not sure what state you are in, but if in WA, you also have access to PFML, which is the state’s version of FMLA, only paid. You may be eligible for both. They’re both protected leave statuses but you will need a dr note - which should not be difficult to obtain given your circumstances. I am sorry you’re going through this!

  38. Anonymous

    oh wow. that's new! i couldn't take paid time when my late partner was sick because i didn't have any disability time/enough PTO yet. dang, i love our state on rare occasions. (i know that's a derail, but it will help me greatly down the road - so thank you for sharing)

  39. MP

    Also if working for a private employer in NY, you can take that as well. And probably one or two other states. Check it out.

  40. Anonymous50

    FMLA and counseling for yourself. This is one of the most difficult journeys you will travel. There is support out there. NAMI.org is a great organization. The meetings are helpful.

  41. Anonymous

    On to step two…
    I agree with what many others have said. You have your priorities right. As an order of protection and a message to HR that you’re no fool, I would ask for written documentation for the reduction in pay along with justification for the reduction, and the process for returning to your original pay rate. It sounds like you would be working six instead of eight hours. That is 25%. So I would propose changing my hours to be reflective of the discount. What an ass! That is absolutely ridiculous and no company I would want to work for. Finding a new job should not be your priority right now, but when your daughter is better, and I pray she will be soon, I would drop them like hotcakes and write a terrible review.

  42. Kathy

    I disagree that she should agree to reduction in salary. This is a temporary setback and she will probably work flex time to get her work done. Her boss is obviously and a react first and think through the consequences later type of person. If her company is so 'busy ' they can't possibly lose her at this time they should work with her in her time of need. The company will really lose her if she starts looking for a new job at more flexible and understanding place of employment.

  43. Anonymous

    Totally agree. The documentation suggestion was strictly so she could have it in writing. When they figured out they did something wrong, I’m sure they will tell the story a lot differently. Having it in writing is what she will need to defend herself if it comes to that.

  44. MP

    She said 6 to 2. That's 8 hours or 7 with a lunch hour. So still full time, unless her prior hours were super high.

  45. Anonymous

    You are soooo right! Still full time. Even more reason to get them to put this ridiculousness in writing. Not saying she should take it. Suggesting documentation in the even she decides to pursue legal action.

  46. Kathy

    HR should have suggested Family Leave.

    Assuming you are salaried then whether you work 8 hours or 0 minutes in a day, you should be paid your salary. (I was told this by an HR person). I would speak to HR and as others have suggested an attorney specializing in labor issues.

    I sincerely doubt your boss can unilaterally reduce your salary without changing your position/title.

    Good luck. I wish you and your daughter well.

  47. Kathy

    At this point don't worry about the medical bills. Most hospitals will set up a payment plan for out-of-pocket expenses.

  48. Joanna Poe

    You are probably eligible for leave to care for a loved one under FMLA: the Family and Medical Leave Act (https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/fmla/final-rule/faq), but please consult a professional in the state where you live and work: https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/contact/local-offices

  49. Anonymous

    I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your situation is exactly why FMLA was created. You will not have the bandwidth while you are in the midst of this crisis to fight for your job or deal with your boss’s flagrant disregard for you and the law. Your job security and health insurance must be maintained and your HR team should be facilitating for you.

    My child is disabled and has been hospitalized many, many times. (We also have no family near us.) I took FMLA once, and my employer seemed very afraid of making any missteps. I really wish I had done it sooner. The knowledge that your job will be there for you when you are able to return to work is invaluable to your own mental health. Since HR at your office was initially accommodating, they are probably well aware that your boss is way out of line but have been cowed by him since he outranks them. They may be waiting for you to ask for FMLA accommodations so they can initiate the paperwork and get him off their backs. I found that HR won't offer anything, you have to ask for it, but once you do, they will facilitate because they have to comply with the law. And if your daughter is still being seen at the facility where she was hospitalized, ask the staff if you can speak to a social worker. Social workers at the hospital can assist with documentation for FMLA and can chase down doctors' signatures.

    Also, if you are able to access FMLA and you are away from the office during the health insurance open enrollment season, make sure that HR sends you the enrollment paperwork and helps you complete it from off-site. If you are not getting paid during FMLA, then the company won’t be able to take your health insurance payments out of your paychecks, and so you will have to work out with them how to pay for it so your benefits are not compromised. And talk to your daughter's health care providers and make sure that you sign up for the plan that will provide her with the best care.

    Aside from work and HR: Having been on a similar journey, I’d like to offer you some advice that I learned too late so that you can make better choices than I did. I encourage you to ask your daughter's medical team about any parent support groups you can join so that you have support on this challenging journey. Fellow parents will understand you like no one else. Additionally, I encourage you to ask for help from friends and neighbors who are in the area where you live especially since you do not have family nearby. Most people want to help, but they won't know what to say to you, much less what to do. It's helpful if you rehearse a couple of "scripts" about what's happened so that you can give people enough information to make them feel like they are in the loop enough to support you. Otherwise, out of respect for your privacy, or out of awkwardness and discomfort, they may just fade out of your life when you need them most. It can be helpful if you imagine what you would say and do if a friend or neighbor was in the same situation you are in. What would you want to know in order for you to take action to help? I used a 1-minute script for people who only needed to know the basics, a 3-minute fact-based version for others, a long emotional version for your nearest and dearest, and a 10-second one for the strangers who don't need to know anything (the people on the elevator who ask, in front of your child, "what's wrong with your
    daughter?"). Most of the people who want to support you won't know what to do so you have to ask them specifically: "Can you come by on Saturday and sit with my daughter for an hour while I go for a walk?" "Can you pick up groceries for me?" "Can you take my dog to the vet tomorrow?" "Can you help me sort my medical bills and match them to the insurance company's EOBs?" “Do you know anyone who works for HR at another company who can advise me on the steps I should take?” etc.

    Please take care of yourself as best you can. In the world of pediatric medical care, they use the adage: “You have to put on your oxygen mask first before you put one on your child.” I was never very good at taking care of myself, and thought I could work full time and be a fulltime caregiver, but the truth is, something’s got to give eventually. If your own health – mental or physical - fails, you won’t be able to take care of your daughter.

    I wish you were my neighbor – I’d be with you in a heartbeat. In the meantime, you have the full support and best wishes of a total stranger who sends her compassion and love to you both. We’re all in this together.

  50. Anonymous

    Thank you so much for this.

  51. rgstaffing@bellsouth.net

    beautiful advice

  52. Anonymous

    I cannot emphasize this advice enough. I was the primary caretaker for a child with severe special needs for almost two decades. He attempted suicide more than once. (Yes, he's still alive.) Please, immediately get involved in your local support groups and check into your county's mental health services, both for you and for your daughter, if you are in the U.S. People do care and there is help, but you have to get tied into the group. Find the parents in similiar situations and you will find help. And that VP....good thing he's not here in my space right now, I have some residual anger about heartless individuals like that.

  53. Peg Bittner

    Has your employer ever hear of FMLA or Famly Medical Leave Act? That act protects you and your position while you take off either full time or off and on for a spouse or depended from losing your job or pay while you are out. I really do not believe they can cut your pay.
    You main concern and they know it is your child. They just maybe using that pay cut as a bluff. Who is say what they would do if your child should do something that is not planned, is the company going to take responsibility for it because they gave you suce an ultimatum? Think of your child first and foremost and then go to a employment lawyer. Your employer is cold. I will pray for your child. I too suffer from despression and anxiety and it is not a walk in the park.

  54. Anonymous

    I am so terribly sorry to hear you are having to worry about managing these issues with your company during a difficult family matter. It's very unfortunate that your boss is making this more challenging for you than it should be.

    You should absolutely work directly with HR (not your boss) on figuring out exactly what your options are; review the contracts you signed, including what benefits you were afforded when you accepted the job, and what the company's policies are for Family Leave. If you are a salaried, full-time employee and have been with your employer for more than 12 months, I am relatively certain that it will be unlikely your VP can follow through with the recommended pay cut under the circumstances (as you will be eligible for 12 weeks paid leave under the FMLA). Please print and keep record of every interaction you have with both HR and your boss. (do it all in writing). I hope it doesn't come to this, but you may have to take legal action and if you do, you will want documentation of the correspondence.

    Either way, it seems your boss is not very understanding and does not value you as a human being or an employee. With that in mind, when you are able, I urge you to seek employment elsewhere. In these situations, higher-ups typically make it very difficult for returning employees to find any semblance of normalcy.

  55. Karen Annette Doss

    Just a quick clarification. I don't believe paid leave is guaranteed by FMLA. It protects your position, but is unpaid leave, unless your specific employer has a supplemental policy that guarantees pay during that time.

  56. Anonymous

    True, it depends on the employer's policy, and the state law. It may not be paid. Thanks for clarifying.

  57. Sue Gordon- retired Career Coach

    This sounds awful. Given your current stress level "breaking point," you need to take care of yourself and your daughter. It doesn't sound like you have short-term disability policies, but if you do, I'd speak to your doctor to get that process rolling.

    Is the company greater than 50 employees? If so you would qualify for FMLA to care for your daughter. They don't have to pay, but if you have accrued sick or personal leave you should be able to use it.

    Good luck, this sounds awful.

  58. Anonymous

    I don’t understand the US rules, but we had a similar situation two years ago with our 15 year old daughter. It became almost impossible for me to continue working full time in a very demanding leadership role while trying to care for her. I decided to start my own consultancy. I quit two days after making that decision. I do believe it saved my child’s life. I was home every day and able to care for her, and the business has taken off. I make more than I did when I commuted an hour to work, and my child has now recovered and is back at school and healthy.
    That option may not be available for you right now or ever but I do encourage you to consider other options to earn money while giving your child the care she needs. It’s a tough road and only those having to go down it really understand the challenges. I wish you and your daughter all the best for her recovery.

  59. BethB

    From one mama of a kid who has attempted, hugs.
    I carry the insurance for my family so I understand the pressure you feel
    About keeping your job.
    Here is what I wish I knew. Self care isn’t selfish. If you don’t take care of you who will take care of her? Part of self care is getting out of your head for half an hour to an hour 3-4 times a week. It doesn’t have to be expensive or involved. Exercise, yoga. Mediate, read a book, take a hot bath, anything that gets your mind elsewhere. Another part is your own therapist. I found it invaluable to help me deal with all of the feelings. The sadness, the anger, the guilt, the worry, the sadness, the confusion.
    As far as the job, is it possible to negotiate the salary reduction? You aren’t proposing part time work. What you are proposing is asynchronous 35 hours a week with email access. I see the point about paying you less if rhey are getting less, this isn’t $30,000 less of value. I wonder how he even picked that number. Push back.
    When my daughter was at her worst I made a big mistake that almost cost me my Job. It’s likely
    Be aware you aren’t going to be at your best.
    One day, one hour, one minute at a time, one foot in front of the other!

  60. Amanda (Sloan) Strenz

    You are so brave for sharing this. You will find your way through. I would get a lawyer. Tell HR to set up interviews for candidates. Dictate roles and responsibilities as you have to during the time that you have allocated for work. Spend the rest on yourself and your family.

  61. Amanda Godsoe Jeffers

    If you're in the U.S., is there a reason you cant take FMLA leave? It not only gives you 12 weeks, but also protects your position, benefits, and salary.

  62. Amy Geffen

    In the US you should be able to take FMLA. Family Leave Medical Act and not lose your job. You need an employment attorney to help you out.

  63. Leslier

    You are right about FMLA, however, employment attornies are only taking cases related to discrimination of race, gender, sex, etc. unless a person is willing to pay out of pocket $150 + an hour!

  64. Kimberly Moon

    Many employment attorneys will work on contingency - if they don't win the case or if you don't get a payout, they don't get paid. You don't need to front any money.

  65. Judiking

    I can't tell for sure from her letter, but if she is a contract employee, she is not eligible for FMLA. Would that be the problem?

  66. Kimberly Moon

    I would contact an employment attorney and ask some questions. This is terrible and sure sounds fishy to me. I feel for you. Good luck.

  67. Nikki Staniewski

    So incredibly sorry for the struggles your daughter is going through. I suffer from mental health issues so I understand. I agree with the others FMLA should be an option and I would discuss with a lawyer.

  68. Rgdj rgdj

    I think you should go to the table of negotiations; can you work from home while you take care of your daughter? Can you have flex time or an alternate work schedule? Can you bring your daughter to your workspace for a while until she is better? Think about what would be the best option for you, then present it to your manager. Keep an option # 2 on your "pocket" (in case you have a boss that always says "no" to the first thing you say). Then, you have to throw the most important part of negotiating: the question "How can you help me?". This is the way you make the person feel they have to do something about the problem. It might be a good idea to bring HR again, I'm not sure since I don't know how good is your relationship with your boss. I'll let you decide that. Lastly, write down "EVERYTHING" that happens between you two and follow up meetings with emails/minutes. This is just in case you decide to take legal action. Good luck dear and may all the blessings go to you and your family.

  69. Stacee Brackens

    WOW??? I am so appalled and saddened to hear this happening to you! I was not able to read all 70 replies however I saw great advice that I hope you move on! Remember you can always get another job, however, you cannot get another daughter like her! I wonder what your director would do if it was their daughter!

    This month is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month and I salute you for sharing and seeking help! I will be praying for you, your daughter, and your family as you can pull through this together!

    I have two tech clients right now who create applications and platforms for mental health care, support, and awareness...where employers provide the necessary tools for personal and professional growth within their organizations!

    Your superior was out of pocket and I sure hope they wake up and step progressively into this new decade or get out of business. It's not all about the money!

    #staysafe #stayhealthy #stayconnected

  70. Anonymous

    Thank you for your prayers, Stacee. What is the name of the application and platform you mentioned? i would love to know more about it.

  71. Balanced124557

    I am so sorry that your company is a POS. I wish we could name them. If you do leave, I suggest that write this up in Glassdoor to warn other people (as non-emotionally, factually-laden as you can). NO JOB is worth losing a family member over. Suicide is scary and she needs you, and that company sucks.

  72. Lynda Booth

    You need to ask your HR rep for FMLA. The Family Medical Leave Act should cover your leave without penalty as long as you have been with the company for 1 year or more. This is the law so your HR rep should be able to give you all the information you need. If you take FMLA, there can be no negative consequences, again as it is the law.

  73. Anonymous

    It’s been almost 2-1/2 years since I posted about this traumatic time in my life. I felt it was important to return and share what the Lord has done in our lives. The amazing advice from all over the US from all of you - I’m so thankful for the support received. If you commented, prayed for me and my daughter, or even muttered choice words about my boss under your breath, I thank you for hearing me, seeing my heartbreak, and giving me strength.

    Sometimes we don’t know our own strength - we get in survival mode and fight the fight to be the best version of ourselves for our children who sometimes just need US. A mother who is fighting for her child, is a force to be reckoned with!

    Since this incident, I found a way to make more money than I ever have. I’m not sharing this to boast - just hopefully someone who is facing a difficult time can be inspired. I kept my job (yes, at $30k less) and worked through my 90-day notice. I had every intention of leaving at the end of it. As my 90-days wrapped up, I was asked to stay, allowed to step down, given a raise because other people in the department were leaving and I became an even bigger asset to the company, and they agreed to let me continue to work remote and have flexible hours. I no longer work for them with any structured hours - I do my work and I’m paid my salary. In preparation to leave my job, I began consulting on the side which consisted of a single 2-3 hour meeting per week per client. I added 3 clients to my schedule, and almost tripled my job salary. In total I was working less than 30 hours per week and maintaining all of this, while spending a majority of my time focused on my daughter, reconnecting with her, and pouring out love upon her. I didn’t do this on my own. Your prayers, your thoughts…THANK YOU. I am humbled by this experience.

    My daughter is now 19, lives on her own, graduated high school a year ahead of her class (only a year after being hospitalized), and is now an assistant manager at a retail store she loves. She gave up social media and gaming during her healing and therapy, and just focused on reconnecting with those who love her and see the very best in her.

    Your prayers worked and I just wanted to say thank you.

    What the devil meant for evil, God turned into a testimony of His goodness. I’m so thankful. I can’t say it enough. To all who spent time reading my story, I am truly thankful. THANK YOU.

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