Federal employee, new to a career, made the mistake of becoming friends with a coworker.

17 Comments

1. AnonymousApril 28,2023 at 9:39AM UTC

   At this point, giving your side of the story will not reduce the damage. Lesson learned. Don't share your drama at work.

   I think you'll be fine, but yes you will live with this incident on your record for the length of your tenure. It's unfortunate but things happen and you made a terrible judgement error.

2. Deborah VidmarApril 28,2023 at 4:35PM UTC

   I don't think OP made a "terrible judgment error." From OP's statement of the situation they confided in a friend that was also a colleague. Most of us have done this. I'd talk with the union representative and seek advice from them about clearing your "record" (quite honestly, it sounds like a childish work environment), while at the same time, looking for something new with a different employer. Get out of that immature work environment and find a company that values their employees and treats them like adults. We all make errors. Don't let others make you feel shameful for being human.

3. AnonymousApril 28,2023 at 10:09AM UTC

   I have experienced betrayal at work, thinking someone was a friend who wasn't, and these types of people are like poison. It is a very tough lesson not to share with coworkers sensitive information especially if it makes you vulnerable or if you are already vulnerable. My recommendation is to start searching for another job. I have been there and I know it's scary but you WILL pull through this. Also, pray. I have been there and it is awful. Government also has a lot of this as people posture for job security. Best wishes

4. BethBApril 28,2023 at 12:30PM UTC

   This is when you need to call your union rep. Are they allowed to do things like this without an investigation or asking you about it?

   the sad truth is that it might not matter, even if there was a full investigation. It’s your word against your co-workers and you’ve already lost in the court of public opinion.

   If it is possible for the union rep to help you snd make sure this uninvestigated false accusation doesn’t follow you and move to a different department?

5. AnonymousApril 28,2023 at 1:27PM UTC

   In my early 20s I was a contractor and told a friendly coworker about a relative's health condition and found myself out of work (yes, my relative's condition was contagious, but my relative was in an entirely different state; weird!).
   I called my placement agent and then a lawyer and was reinstated with backpay. Lesson learned. Yuck. Look for the resources inside or outside your organization that will assist you. If the potential consequences are severe, then go the distance to find them - they are out there. Arbitration, etc. Be heard.

6. AnonymousApril 28,2023 at 5:46PM UTC

   Coworkers are not friends

7. Kristin BurnsApril 28,2023 at 6:25PM UTC

   I'll be the odd voice out. It's startling and uncommon for a coworker to go to the trouble of requesting to move offices because they are scared of you. This sounds like (hopefully!) a misunderstanding where she was frightened. You don't have to tell us what the mistake was, but I've been on the other side of tense conversations and worried that the coworker would harm our teammates or themselves physically.

8. AnonymousApril 29,2023 at 5:19AM UTC

   I am really sorry this happened to you - it's really hard when someone you thought was a friend betrays you.

   Not sure what to advise you regarding the job - you could try clearing the air and speaking with your supervisor but sometimes the more you try to explain your side, the worse it gets. Not sure if going to the union rep would be helpful either.

   I like to have good relationships with the folks I work with - one way I have learned to navigate this is let people talk about themselves. They seem to love doing it. Most folks know very little about me or my personal life and they don't really seem to notice or care that I don't really share much about myself.

9. AnonymousApril 30,2023 at 12:58PM UTC

   Do you mind disclosing which state you're in? If you're not comfortable doing that then I would advise you to at least discuss your situation with a plaintiff attorney to discuss what recourse if any you may have for the parties involved smearing your professional reputation, among other things. False accusations may fall under that category as well.

   You can also do some research of your own or hire an investigator to do it for you, to see if any of them have done this to anyone else.

   A bit of advice, HR is not your friend. If you go to them to lodge a complaint they will immediately circle the wagons and close rank because their sole purpose in these types of circumstances is to protect the company which is why I suggest you speaking to someone who will have your best interests in mind. If you have difficulty locating a plaintiff attorney in your state you can try looking up an attorney on the NELA.org website. They are a national organization of plaintiff attorneys that only work on behalf of workers and their rights. They don't defend companies who are alleged to be in violation of their worker's rights or any of the protected classes covered by the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and enforced by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commision (EEOC).

10. AnonymousApril 30,2023 at 9:09PM UTC

    I'm not sure if you meant to reply to me or not. I never said I had any "situation" nor did I say I had parties in involved smearing my professional reputation.

11. AnonymousMay 1,2023 at 2:27AM UTC

    Please accept my apology, I was attempting to reply to the OP and am not sure how my response ended up being underneath yours.

12. AnonymousApril 30,2023 at 12:46PM UTC

    I am a formal federal employee. My situation was a little different but it did involve me making a mistake and false accusations from a coworker I had formally had a friendly relationship with. There was an investigation and my coworker and his friends accused me of things during the investigation that I didn't do. The only opportunity I was given to refute those accusations was to my boss when I was told the outcome of the investigation (so it had no effect). I was able to give my side during the investigation but was not told about the accusations they were making so I couldn't defend myself. Ultimately I was not punished but decided to leave since I knew I'd never be advanced and literally couldn't work with the those people anymore due to panic attacks. It was a very gossipy environment with gas lighting that my direct supervisor was an active participant in. There are 2 things I would do differently if I went back. One would be to leave sooner. If I didn't/couldn't do that I would have been smarter about using my union rep. I did speak with them but I did not ask them to come to the meeting with my bosses.

    I am no longer a federal employee but love my new job with a nonprofit. My new work environment is much healthier with better boundaries.

13. AnonymousApril 30,2023 at 12:51PM UTC

    This kind of special abuse leads to betrayal trauma. While your dealing with getting this off your work record get yourself some good therapy.

    There are people who cannot help but to weaponize any vulnerability you show them unfortunately there is no way to predict who those people are so best to keep everything to yourself. Be mindful how you represent yourself in this situation. Less is more. I am sorry you are going through this.

14. AnonymousApril 30,2023 at 12:54PM UTC

    You have learned one of the hardest and saddest lessons in the work world: your co-workers are not your friends. You can talk about your pets, briefly how much you loved a vacation and show pictures (briefly) of children, grandchildren or weddings but go no further. Guard your private life jealously. If you make a mistake on the job, fix it and let it go no further than the "need to know" people. Co-workers will exploit your weaknesses. If you need to talk to someone and don't have real friends in your personal life, I recommend a therapist. At work be friendly, courteous, kind and brief. Smile and always say good morning. Cooperate on work tasks and show your willingness to learn and improve. If a co-working relationship turns into a friendship it will take a very long time and since you work together, that friendship can end suddenly and badly over something that happens at work. I'm not saying you will never be friends with a co-worker but guard against it. I worked at a place for 19 years. I left 5 years ago. Not one, single person I spoke to every day for 19 years EVER reached out to me. I bought their kids girls scout cookies (as well as every other fund raiser presented to me), gave money when they were sick, signed cards, picked up their slack when they were going through hard times, gave references for them and their children, tutored their kids, helped their kids write essays to get into college, lent them money, helped them move and the list goes on and on. They were not my friends, never were and I only learned that when I left.

    Now your situation. Go and talk to your supervisor. If your breach of trust is going into your work file as a written document, work with your union and write a statement. Be clear, honest and apologetic. Attach the email you got from your supervisor and address point by point. Then let it go. Do what you can to improve yourself and your work. If you see this co-worker smile and say "Good Morning." If she tries to engage you further say, "I'm sorry, I have a lot to do today." If you have to work with her directly make sure someone else is in the room or you are in a well trafficked area. If she tries to talk about something personal bring it back to work. It will take a looooong while to overcome this because her lies are more juicy than your truth but show that you are an honest, hardworking, employee. You have to do this or you will be homeless.

    I also strongly recommend you re-do your resume and start putting out feelers. If this person is a long-timer, this will follow you around this company FOREVER. You don't need to be in a work environment like this, really. Yes, one bad apple CAN spoil the whole bunch.

    All that being said, it's a mistake not the end of your life. Some mistakes are harder to learn than others but if you make the right choices now, this will be in your review mirror, hopefully sooner than later.

15. AnonymousApril 30,2023 at 4:31PM UTC

    Whoa, first breathe, then speak to an attorney and/or your union rep and write a rebuttal to what you are being accused of. There are 2 sides to every story here. Ask for a review of the situation and then if you do believe in your heart that you can get past this in the environment that exists there stay the course and show them how wrong they are. If you feel blacklisted or blocked there then perhaps you need to consider a change of department or workplace. Good luck, this situation sounds difficult and surely not deserved. It's fine to share with folks that you work with but be mindful that what you say and what they hear may be quite different things dependent upon who/how they process information.

16. Liz MilneApril 30,2023 at 11:39PM UTC

    Honestly, this sort of thing makes me furious (for you!) - I tend to call people out in that sort of situation: so, this is what happened, you're not going to ask me what happened? I don't get any chance to defend myself?

    But even if you do get to justify yourself, this sort of situation leaves a bad taste all round... :(

    I would absolutely ask my supervisor if my side of the story is going to be asked; I, personally, would rebuke my 'friend' (but don't do that!); and maybe start looking for another job...

17. AnonymousMay 1,2023 at 4:33PM UTC

    Sorry your trust was broken. You definitely aren’t alone in this situation. It’s really hard to read people especially when you’re a genuinely decent person.

    It sucks having to learn the hard way when it comes to talking to coworkers. Some just gather ammunition to screw you over later.

    Hope your supervisor pulls their head out of their @$5 and gives you a chance to speak.