Hello!

14 Comments

1. AnonymousJune 9,2023 at 9:06PM UTC

   You are doing the right thing. Let him know, maybe in a humorous way, you know I appreciate you trusting me with this information, but I think talking with a therapist would be super helpful. It's a nice way of saying, some of that is off limits. Hope that helps.

2. AnonymousJune 10,2023 at 2:01AM UTC

   It does help - I just need to plan a script on the best way to say something humorous yet make the point in a kind way, if I can. I do better with something like that if it can be helped. Thank you!

3. AnonymousJune 10,2023 at 1:58AM UTC

   Yeah - hearing about the details about his ex makes me feel uncomfortable, for sure. He doesn't mention things often, but I can tell he's processing and it's bleeding over. I feel for him and that he must be hurting so much that he's emoting at me. But it definitely makes things muddled and messy.

   I didn't think that he was making a move on me, just that he's kind of bursting at the seams with these "big feelings" (thinking of how we talk with kids about such things). But the thought didn't cross my mind about him possibly coming on to me. Now that you mention it, I guess it's something I need to take into consideration. I'm an overweight and middle aged and consider myself invisible at this point to most people - but I guess I can't be naive. Men are gonna be men. Thanks - I appreciate your advice!

4. AnonymousJune 11,2023 at 11:00PM UTC

   """He doesn't mention things often, but I can tell he's processing and it's bleeding over. I feel for him and that he must be hurting so much that he's emoting at me."""-- ok, it doesn't happen often, and you can tell he's in pain....why does this bother you so much?

5. AnonymousJune 10,2023 at 4:41PM UTC

   Tell him, he may not be aware of his behavior. Men are not very good at commuicating in general and when they do it is often weirdly so. Suggest he check in with the EAP - employee assistance program. If he is just doing it to make small talk perhaps the alternative is to tell him you want to keep the relationship and conversations business only.

6. Pamela PuskarichJune 11,2023 at 12:49PM UTC

   Saying something can really backfire. Suggesting therapy can be taken as really insulting. If you can’t redirect, avoid, have others with you - Even saying you want to keep things just business can be taken as a slap and as your boss he could retaliate in ways you couldn’t prove. I like the “I’m no expert” - combined with things like you’re sorry, you just don’t have the experience, you couldn’t judge since you’ve never met her, etc. Be busy with work and ask him a question about it. Maybe engage in a little talk - a lot of people do say “yeah, my kid did xyzzy” or “oh my ex wife and I went there!” - that’s normal. Work gets awful long if all anybody ever talks about is the budget. Or you could look for that next step up the career ladder - in a different department/company.

7. Crystal HowellJune 11,2023 at 1:09PM UTC

   Do exactly that a few times, he will get the message hopefully.

8. AnonymousJune 11,2023 at 4:07PM UTC

   Have some compassion and try to redirect. He will work through it and this will pass. Suggesting therapy is way out of bounds, and if you do that in ANY way is probably something you won't come back from.

   I would only do that if he asks you do you think he should see someone.

9. AnonymousJune 11,2023 at 10:58PM UTC

   agree one hundred percent. Anyone who has grieved would be glad about a supportive work peer.

10. AnonymousJune 11,2023 at 10:56PM UTC

    I don't understand. Because you have "alot o respect", you don't "want to know this"... nothing about his personal pain or...? While I realize and concur that you are not asking to be the wise counselor at work, and that his "oversharing" can be problematic, we all must be realistic...Working eight hours/day, many days per week, makes it so that our personal lives, our losses and sadness, can and do occasionally spill over into work...and I think it's ok. It's compassionate to not expect otherwise...We can give a little grace when someone is hurting. So...pause and reset. What is really bothering you? Is he really inappropriate, or ?? Does he need EAP services? Can you listen a small bit then redirect? Speaking as someon who went thru a horrible divorce many years ago, I recall coworkers being kind to me...and listening on lunch break. I healed, and we moved on. I cannot advise whether you should tell him to see a therapist or not....only you know whether that would be appropriate. But think hard about how and why this bothers you so much. He's a great boss, right?

11. DeeDee DokeJune 12,2023 at 9:32AM UTC

    Many healthy comments below -- but at what point is this boss taking advantage of a 'captive audience', a subordinate who risks their career by offering the 'wrong' response on a personal, not work, matter? Are these conversations cutting into time that the subordinate needs to devote to their work or do they take place during a coffee or lunch break? Perhaps saying 'I'm interested in what you have to say...would we be able to discuss this later today when I'm not on deadline? I want to get this work to you on time' or similar might put the situation in perspective for them.

12. AnonymousJune 12,2023 at 11:52AM UTC

    Hmmmm. How on earth did you come up with that conclusion? The OP said nothing regarding "their way". They basically want to work in a professional environment. There is obviously concern for the boss who clearly is going through something but needs to refrain from discussing his personal life in a corporate setting. They have EVERY right to feel uncomfortable. Did you intend to be negative and attack the OP due to something you completely misread or made up?

13. Lynn BeasleyJune 12,2023 at 1:30PM UTC

    I had a boss like this. He talked about his wife and his issues all the time. In an instant and in public he would turn on me. He had lost an employee I replaced. He used me to fill in and was very cruel at the end. I was ok with I because I was 62.5 years old .. to appease his quilt I asked his bot who he had hired back if if he could create a good retirement spreadsheet... after lunch I was called to his office and he let me go with the Nobody likes you. Ok...I didn't care who liked me. I didn't act out but it was what I expected since golden boy couldn't hack it more than 5 months at another firm. Oh well, I asked for a ROF. I got my unemployment and after holding my stock for another year they let me cash out full term. I am retired but learn the boss is a mental nut. They wiped the losses they cause on you. Get all you can on the way out.

14. AnonymousJune 12,2023 at 2:45PM UTC

    You could say something like, "thank you for sharing, that sounds like it's really hard. I am honored that you trusted me with this information. I also don't think I have the expertise to be able to help you process all of this. I hope that you are able to work through and metabolize (xyz), because it sounds like you are dealing with a lot right now!"

    The advantages of this are 1. Makes him feel seen, heard, validated, and 2. Sets a clear boundary that you are not able to engage with him in processing his personal challenges. And if/when he brings his personal stuff up in the future you just stick to the same basic script every time with some variation of "that sounds hard (or tough, or a lot to deal with). I hope you are able to work through that."