Stuck working with a difficult colleague (who everyone fears) and I see no end in sight

66 Comments

1. AYANNALYSEJanuary 7,2025 at 4:05PM UTC

   Send your version and work with her say that you are adding your thoughts as usual and thank her for being helpful.

2. AnonymousJanuary 7,2025 at 4:13PM UTC

   I know this person well, and you can do nothing to fix it except put a significant distance between you (another department/location or a new job). In my case, Karma finally caught up with the person, and she was exposed as a fraud. She was fired and had to pay restitution to the person she harmed or would have been reported to the police.

3. AnonymousJanuary 7,2025 at 4:54PM UTC

   Whatever strategy you decide on, address your the thing in your life you can control. Nothing you do will change her problems with you so why bother? She cannot impact your feelings or mindset if you do not allow her to. As Mel Robbins says....."let them" you cannot and will not change another person. All you can change is you and your reaction. So focus on you, your family and your life. You're making 6 figures so hang onto you job and "let them" do whatever she decides to do. It doesn't require you to do anymore than your job. So last minute changes get done or you run into deliverables being delayed when you run out of time. When asked merely say last minute review changes delayed things. LET THEM do whatever they want. Trying to stop them is futile. Be proactive on your end requesting reviews and feedback. It's all YOU can do.

4. Julie landauJanuary 7,2025 at 4:54PM UTC

   First off I’m sorry you are dealing with this, it’s exhausting to work under that kind of pressure, especially when you feel unsupported. It’s clear you are trying everything you can to stay professional and sane in a tough situation.

   without having all the information, the basics I would recommend

   1. Document everything (seems you are already doing it) keep detailed record of your work and interactions with her. Track changes and keep notes from meetings. This creates a clear trail to demonstrate your contribution if needed.
   2. strengthen your relationships : build rapport with other colleagues and management to reinforce your value and show your professionalism. When others see your competence and commitment it can counteract her undermining
   3. set boundaries where possible: while confrontation may not work, politely but formerly remind her of your expertise. For example “thank you for your inputs but I received direct instructions from Xxx so we will move forward with this version.

   In my professional experience and with my client, I observe people act this way because they may feel threatened or insecure. It’s not about you, it’s about them.

   While you can’t change her behavior you can focus on what’s within your control: your mindset and approach

   1. Reframe her actions: see her criticism as a reflection of her need of control not your competence. Her behavior doesn’t diminish your skills or worth
   2. focus on your growth: use this time to strengthen your resilience and practice detachment. Remember, her opinion don’t define your value, your work and reputation do
   3. Maintain professionalism: do not react, ensure to take 2 deep breaths before to answer, stay calm, consistent and confident. show your expertise through your actions, not by engaging in her game.

   you got this!

   You are in a tough spot but by shifting your perspective you can reclaim your peace and energy .

   And this is jot forever, you will move beyond this, stronger and more prepared for what’s next ;)

5. AnonymousJanuary 7,2025 at 6:07PM UTC

   I love this, especially the advice to reframe her actions! Very well stated. Thank you :)

6. AnonymousJanuary 7,2025 at 5:06PM UTC

   Where is your boss in all of this? That's who I would focus on to run interference. Start running all of this work through your supervisor. I'd be sitting on their face to step up on your behalf. I'm sorry this is happening.

7. AnonymousJanuary 7,2025 at 5:17PM UTC

   Obviously, keep looking for another job. However, in the meantime, make sure you keep copies of everything. Start a journal of incidents.. For each incident, you want to document the situation, the background, your assessment of what went right and what went wrong, and then the big picture ramifications which include wasted time for rework. In some cases, you may need to document follow up. Once you have documented in your journal, give yourself permission to let go of your specific feelings about that specific situation and move forward. This is crucial for your mental health, and will improve your work performance.

   If you haven’t found another job and have five well documented cases where her interference caused the organization to lose productivity and did not contribute to a better final work product, consider going to your supervisor.

   The saying that people quit bosses, not organizations applies here, because your boss hasn’t been able to effectively neutralize the troublemaker. Keep that in mind when you escalate this situation if you choose to do so. Setting up boundaries and holding people to them would be the way your boss should move forward. However, it normally takes two resignations directly tied to the interpersonal friction for a supervisor to address a personality issue in a productive worker, and most people walk away for a “better opportunity “. Good luck with this, your assessment seems well thought out and you seem to have a solid understanding of the situation.

8. AnonymousJanuary 7,2025 at 5:31PM UTC

   OP here. My boss has spoken to another member of the leadership team about the situation, and the answer was that yes, this person is a challenge to deal with but "it is what it is." So, that's where we're at right now. My boss did suggest one transfer that would have been a significant demotion salary-wise, so I turned it down.

9. AnonymousJanuary 7,2025 at 5:51PM UTC

   I'm sorry to hear this. "It is what it is" is a phrase I am beginning to loathe. If your boss isn't going to do anything about it, here are some things to try:

   Ask for permission to remove the person from your "review" list or to require seven days' notice for changes

   If she takes your work and passes it off as her own, ensure that the digital copies are locked for editing (PDF or locked for editing). This won't stop her, as copy/paste or retyping is always possible but will make it more difficult.

   Whatever you do, don't encourage her behavior. Thanking her for her input only signals that you appreciate what she is doing.

10. AnonymousJanuary 7,2025 at 5:55PM UTC

    Yours in solidarity! This was my situation up to one year ago, at a company I gave 21 years of my life to. Except this person was my closest colleague and co-director for the first 10 years, literally my 'work bestie'. Then in a company restructure, she was promoted to my direct supervisor. Which, being a professional, I gave my full support.

    On day one, all of her true colors came out. She used every non-yelling tactic on me to make my life a living hell, on a daily basis. Meanwhile, everyone else in the department were praised; any accomplishments I had she ignored, took credit for, or attributed to the department. I was blindsided. I tried everything you did (being extra helpful, kind and understanding to grant her grace). None of it made a difference, other than for me knowing I did the right thing. I worked ridiculously hard, nights and weekends through the pandemic, experienced several times where the stress became physical symptoms and I thought I would die. Also, I experienced the sudden death of my father-in-law and my aunt within 3 weeks of each other. She couldn't have cared less. She doubled down and wrote me up for performance issues.

    Like you, I held the big salary, plus the family insurance plan so I was in no position to quit. And I knew I had zero recourse to report her. Then last January, they quietly fired me anyway.

    Not the ending I hoped for, and yet, the feeling was mutual. And my life, personal growth and wellbeing has improved exponentially in the months since. I fully embrace it for the blessing that it is!

    All this to say: Do what you feel strongly in your heart, and don't sink to her level -- let your integrity speak for itself. Your allies appreciate and know the person you are, so take comfort in this (for references as well, as the other person mentioned). If you can ultimately go to the manager with it, and frame it as a solution, do it. And if they choose her over you, good riddance - it only means you are on your way to better things. All the best of luck to you!

11. AnonymousJanuary 7,2025 at 11:16PM UTC

    OP here. Something similar to this happened to a friend of mine who was good friends with a colleague (so close their families hung out) who got promoted. She became everyone's boss, and within a few weeks she turned on my friend and made his life a living hell for a year until he was able to get a transfer. Not sure what happened, why she became so hostile towards someone she was a good friend to for several years. I wonder if this is actually common at some employers.

12. AnonymousJanuary 8,2025 at 7:36PM UTC

    So bizarre!! It's so hard to fathom that someone could act like that if they were that close. But it's probably more common that one would think. In retrospect, I've learned a lot over the past few years. I think it can be attributed to 1) big insecurity behind being promoted (careful what you wish for!), and 2) an unhealthy dose of imposter syndrome, particularly when someone who knows them so well is now watching their new successes and failures on the daily. I eventually realized that, being the one person in the whole company who spent 20 years day in/out with her, somehow just my very presence made her feel uncomfortable and incompetent -- no matter how supportive I tried to be. Truth is: the promotion puts them in over their head, so to compensate they desperately need to look like a badass to the more junior members of the department; they can't do that with someone who knows them better, whom they fear will expose their vulnerabilities (no matter how unfounded that is). So they do everything in their power to force the person out. Is this insane?? Absolutely. :D

13. AnonymousJanuary 8,2025 at 7:50PM UTC

    P.S.: Thank you OP, and I just want to say many blessings to all on this FGB board! For the record, I have been a sad/happy hot mess through all of unemployed 2024 dealing with this experience, and this awful person has lived rent-free in my head for years. I'm slowly and steadily exorcising that demon :D and recovering. But this was the first time I was brave enough to put it into a post. I am sure I need a therapist lol. But to FGBers -- thanks for listening, or at least letting me express it and put it out there into the universe.

    And oddly enough, a few minutes ago I finally had someone contact me for an interview. What timing!!

    I truly hope we all win, I am rooting for us all :)

14. Kirsten BunchJanuary 8,2025 at 1:11PM UTC

    If you have access to a coach through your employer (many companies have them available though their EAP), I would suggest getting help in learning how to set your boundaries with this person.

15. Sandy SabeanJanuary 8,2025 at 1:37PM UTC

    I strongly suggest you get a coach to help you work through this. I recently downloaded the book “Let Them” by Mel Robbins, which I think can help you. Do not give this woman power over you. You’re not the one who should be leaving the company, but you do need a strategy to get through this. I strongly believe in the saying “hurt people hurt,” and you may very well be experiencing this. Take care of yourself and continue to do your best work.

16. AnonymousJanuary 8,2025 at 1:55PM UTC

    I am reading that book! It’s amazing.

17. Sandy SabeanJanuary 8,2025 at 7:17PM UTC

    I downloaded it on Audible and listen to it in my car. Love it!

18. AnonymousJanuary 8,2025 at 2:32PM UTC

    Wow. You provided a lot of detail here.And I can see that you are a well organized and valuable employee. I do want to caution you that if push comes to shove, I think you will end up paying the price instead of your co worker.... I have seen so many times that the difficult person stays and the good people leave. So where does that leave you? It sounds like the folks you are working with Understand the difficulty here, but no one is jumping in to save you... I agree that getting a life coach at this time will be helpful if for no other reason than to vent on a regular basis and get some feedback. This might sound silly but I would simply pray about this and make sure you're getting exercise every single day. Exercise has helped me get through so many stressful seasons. At the same time, Remind yourself that this situation is not going to last forever and try to learn as much as you can from it... Every. Situation, even a bad one, is a learning opportunity if we try to view at that way. There is light at the end of this tunnel But we just don't know where or how... Life is funny sometimes and there Can be a traumatic turn of events in the matter of twenty four hours...

19. Debora ClarkJanuary 8,2025 at 3:01PM UTC

    Hello-

    I am not sure what your HR Department is like or if you have Ethics Department, but I would consider reaching out to speak with someone in either department.

    No employee should be subjected to this behavior. I understand you have a family and make six figures, but a quality work environment is important for you and your family.

20. AnonymousJanuary 8,2025 at 3:52PM UTC

    Absolutely do NOT reach out to an Ethics Department. They cannot do anything unless you submit a signed report, and then YOU become the problem.

    Good suggestions above; agree with their tactics and also finding another job.

    A company’s culture is the worst behavior that management tolerates.

21. Erica LanyonJanuary 8,2025 at 3:17PM UTC

    Document, document, document.

    With dates and specifics.

22. AnonymousJanuary 8,2025 at 3:18PM UTC

    I'm sorry you're going through this. The cat/mouse game. (sigh)

    An aside- I can relate. I had a colleague similar to this. Regardless, she just was a prickly storm and I seemed to bare the brunt of it. (And the rest of the team, while sympathetic, used me as a sandbag). All this, and I wasn't a doormat personality. I did all the things you did. Sought compassionate approach (got push back). Sought to directly address it (got worse). Sought leadership help (no help and put me on notice for "not handling it" or "not promotion to management material.")

    In the end, I fell back on my comedian/acting training and decided to play a role with this colleague. I was 100% fake with her. I changed---and watched her start swirling. She attempted her behavior, I'd say " Thanks so much for that insight. I'll do the best I can"---never changing because my boss never needed me to. I'd smile, I'd laugh. She'd ask what was funny and I'd say, "you. you crack me up." turning the tides. (I don't necessarily advise this approach unless you feel comfortable or have nothing left to lose. I'm just using it as an example of how you can change how you respond to her - and sometimes there are many iterations). In the end, she let go, found a new toy and years later attempted to befriend me. I let her think what she wanted.

    The reality was the environment was so unstable that I felt I had no other choice but to dish out a different type of defense. At the heart of it was a choice on my part to absolutely not let her get to me. I even went to a therapist and a spiritual leader to find ways learn to establish my boundaries (esp. letting her actions and words impact me). The more you can work on your inner boundaries and protecting your peace, the better. Turn down the volume of your colleague's message. Whether or not you choose to engage with your colleague at all (whether it's friendly or firm or mess with your colleague, etc.---be professional and have no regrets.) The reality is your colleague behaves this way because A. there have been no repercussions and B. they are dealing with something and think it's ok to behave this way. There could have been a way for you to show compassion and bridge the conflict, but your attempts were not received well. You can still show compassion, but don't engage with your colleague. Limit all interactions to only work.

    Document everything. Have a pen/notepad or laptop at all times. If your colleague says anything, write it down. It's a scare tactic too. They'll be on notice (you can even say to your colleague, "Please repeat that, I am writing down everything you say to me." They won't like it and may snap back, but that's because they realize you're pushing back. Own it. It may get prickly before it gets better, but this is a way of standing up for yourself.

    And if your colleague ever threatens you or touches you. Speak loudly and firmly "You are not allowed to touch me. "- or something to that effect.

    Sure, quiet quit and look for other work too. Good luck!

23. AnonymousJanuary 8,2025 at 3:21PM UTC

    It seems that you see the situation clearly.

    This person has a problem with you *because* you’re competent. They are accustomed to making others looks bad in order to make themselves look good. Maybe *maybe* they have an extreme anxiety disorder that “it’ll be wrong unless I change it” but most likely their reasons are no sympathetic.

    Management keeps her around because she will attack and criticize any flaw, which makes their job a little easier. Management keeps her around likely because they are too avoidant to do anything high conflict.

    Keep your chin up. This isn’t about your performance.

    Keep performing at the best of ability. Be pleasant, collegial and professional with her. You may wish to backup some work to externals if you suspect she may sabotage common drives.

    Sadly, you’re going to need to keep cc’ing her and letting her have a “panic” over work product. Hand in things as early as possible so that her “last minute victimhood” is painted for what it is - theatrics.

    You have two options, as far as I see.

    You fight fire with fire and call her out “just so I better understand the issue was with [x] report, since it had been approved by 6 reviewers before you. To be clear, going forward, should I universally make [y arbitary] new change to all of these?”

    Or you play dumb and use a lot of pleases and thank yous.

    And if at all possible, try to minimize what must go thru her.

    I am so sorry that you’re dealing with this.

24. AnonymousJanuary 8,2025 at 4:11PM UTC

    OP here. Thank you so much for all the very helpful feedback. I have a lot to think about here and will get that Mel Robbins book. I never thought this situation would go on for so long. It's been this way since day one with this colleague. If I'm so terrible at my job, I should have been fired or transferred by now. What irks me is that one of the managers who sings my praises doesn't stand up for me and tell her to back off. Rather, he waffles and defends her while admitting that she's not an easy person to work with, which tells me he's afraid to cross her for some reason. The fact that she has a problem with me is pretty obvious in her emails with so many comments along the lines of "you're just not getting it so I'm looping in Jane who really understands this project and the fine points." I see such emails as a way to embarrass me and create a paper trail.

    What I find unsettling is that she's several levels up the totem pole above me and her salary is more than double mine, so she's basically swiping at someone far below her on the org chart. Not sure why this is worth her time when she has (and most certainly should) more important things to do and more influential people to devote her energy to.

25. AnonymousJanuary 8,2025 at 5:13PM UTC

    2 possible options, one is think of your job as an appliance put the plug in at 9am and take it out at 5 and don't think about it till the plug goes in the next day. Stop communicating directly with this person and send the report in your own words directly to leadership and then let the revision she butchers speak for itself once she sends it around.

    Option 2 tell your manager you won't tolerate this any more and you want to send the report to them and then let them process it with that person. Get some headphones if your role is in office and don't directly communicate with this person at all unless their civility towards you shifts. They are simply professionally jealous of you because of your excellence at the role you have and their wanting more attention. If you give them attention their BS becomes more important. Stop giving them accolades and let them bully someone else. Stay that out loud if you need to and let them know you will no longer be their whipping post. You expect to be treated as they do with dignity and respect and collegial working together. Don't be in a room with them solo because they will likely attack and if upper management is believing them then it's time for you to 1-1 with UM to show them who you are.

26. Ellen Smith FaganJanuary 8,2025 at 5:15PM UTC

    Been there done that - the feeling of powerlessness, and that kind of situation is unbelievable in America third millennium!

    But that is exactly your power! This is America and you have a couple of years after you find your new position, or your enemy goes away, to sue for every moment that violated your human rights in that job situation.

    That kind of lawsuit is very quiet, and it will win for you – maybe not the high figure of winnings you might wish for, since you are coming up from a disadvantage, but you will win the moral victory – and that is important!

    until then you can glad gracefully around the office “like butter wouldn’t melt in your mouth,” and when your insidious coworker, does her best to give you that “ little bad moment”, you can just look at her with peace and purpose in your soul and she will get the message that her triumph is temporary, and your righteousness will win before all that long!

    But the important thing is to refresh yourself so you will be ABLE to be the ultimate winner in this situation, no matter what because she will never never never have the right to abuse another employee ever ever ever never never never!

    Take good care of yourself and your beloved family through this, and you have the health to take advantage of the good opportunities the minute they arrive for you!

    Believe believe and act on your belief in the good things that have kept your life going along nicely all this time. That way you would be giving a good example to your husband and children who bounce off you a lot for their being! Play your cards close to the breast at work concerning the monster! Do not make it easy for her to damage your day!

27. Erin VegaJanuary 9,2025 at 3:47AM UTC

    What if prior to your next report being sent out, you ask her for a 1:1 session to go over it as you certainly don’t want to waste her time with having to redo the work as it’s a waste of everyone’s time and company money.

    Since she seems to like doing the reports, could you ask your supervisor since she wants to revise them that they just put the reporting on her task list. Point out to the supervisor as well that you don’t want to waste everyone’s time and company money. Than ask if the reporting was off your plate you could handle x,y, and z.

    Or you let everything she does or says roll off your back like a duck. You are still being paid for the work you do. Until upper management wants to step up to the plate and grow a backbone to squash this problem, there is nothing that can be done. Let her do her revising, and you collect your paycheck.

28. FarazpbcJanuary 9,2025 at 5:31AM UTC

    Dealing with a colleague like this is exhausting, and it’s clear you’re doing your best to stay professional. First, document everything: emails, feedback, and incidents where she undermines you. This helps you stay grounded and protects you if things escalate.

    While direct confrontation might not work, setting quiet boundaries can. For example, if she reworks your report, you could say, “I noticed you made edits. Would you like to discuss preferences for future reports?” It’s calm but shows you’re paying attention. Management knows she’s difficult, so use that. Keep them in the loop by sharing updates or sending completed work directly. If she changes your work, clarify professionally: “Thanks for your input. I’d appreciate earlier feedback to incorporate changes proactively.”

    Building allies is also key. Strengthen relationships with coworkers who value your work, share updates with them, and subtly let them see your contributions. If they’ve dealt with her too, swap advice; it helps to know you’re not alone.

    Don’t let her behavior shake your confidence. Her actions reflect her issues, not your abilities. Remind yourself of your strengths and focus on small wins outside work, like hobbies or family time, to balance the stress.

    You’re already playing the long game by exploring other opportunities, and that’s smart. While this situation may not change soon, it’s temporary. When the right role comes along, you’ll leave knowing you handled this with grace and professionalism. For now, focus on what you can control and remind yourself that this is just a season. 

    Stay positive

29. AnonymousJanuary 9,2025 at 1:25PM UTC

    Have you tried being direct with her face to face about it? She knows she is doing it and her experience is that no one will stand up to her. Try it. It likely won't be worse and perhaps if you show her you aren't going to take it, she might stop? I get the people who say just leave... but what if we all stopped giving up and giving in to office bullies and started calling them out. I would take time to prepare and have a difficult discussion with her. If she has it out for you either you are incompetent (which doesn't seem to be the case) or somehow you intimidate her (likely). So use that to your advantage.

30. AnonymousJanuary 9,2025 at 1:27PM UTC

    Who's first in your life? Really, who.is.first? Look for a new role if you're not willing or able to look at your living expenses to see if you could scale back. 6 figures along with a spouse paycheck. Are you really stuck. We don't know your lifestyle or debts, and it's tough, I get it. IMO, I think you need to rethink how stuck are you. I would normally agree with documentation, however, the picture you have painted I'm hesitant to lead you that way with a high possibility of that not making a difference, sadly. Put your efforts into a job search.

31. Damie WilsonJanuary 9,2025 at 1:46PM UTC

    ? I love those kind of micromanagement. I wear hidden gopros. So no one gets to lie about themselves about a moment when they behaved unethically. You say no one will back you? Get a gopro. Get a lawyer and a therapist. Back yourself. No policy against recording well dressed individuals. Keep cameras away from bathrooms and toilets now. But sounds and vision are great tools for employment lawyers. Bullying and harassment are part of the work force. Satan controls us that have been brain washed by money as motivation to exist. You know since birth without $$$ you were never welcome on your own planet now. Lol a sad sorry life. Six figures still wont stop you from six feet under. Good lord let it go.

32. AnonymousJanuary 9,2025 at 2:10PM UTC

    Be careful with this. Recording conversations without consent from the other parties is illegal in some states and can get you into trouble. So at the very least, check your state laws and company policy before doing this.

33. AnonymousJanuary 9,2025 at 2:16PM UTC

    If you’re in a two-party state, you can actually face charges for that.

34. AnonymousJanuary 9,2025 at 5:12PM UTC

    I’m that’s illegal and weird. What do you do trap people into inappropriate conversations? You’re a mess.

35. AnonymousJanuary 9,2025 at 2:05PM UTC

    Wow that is the least supportive and obnoxious comment I’ve ever read here at FGB.

36. Paulla Fetzek, MSEdJanuary 9,2025 at 2:13PM UTC

    You have absolutely no idea what the poster's person life is. She expressed at the start that she and her family had to have her income.

    FGB is a space to uplift and support. Your comment is anything but.

37. AnonymousJanuary 9,2025 at 2:15PM UTC

    Wow, you made this entirely about you.

38. Kathy SijanJanuary 9,2025 at 2:19PM UTC

    We have all worked with some 'doozies' over the years. If you were asked to stay put, you never know, there could be something going on behind the scenes.

    To keep my sanity while working with this type of person, I would kill them with kindness.

    One time we had to ride to an offsite meeting together. Our relationship turned during that car ride. I have no idea if she was just mad at the world, or intimidated by me, but just being kind gave me the peace of mind to ignore the bad behavior, keep doing what I was doing. Don't over think every little thing, she isn't worth it. I also would suggest being funny and injecting subtle humor where you can. At least that will give you a smile. Who can resist a smile! Smile at her every time you see her. Good luck

39. Doris MartinezJanuary 9,2025 at 2:29PM UTC

    I had to deal with a similar situation at my previous job and nothing worst than dealing with a toxic co-worker. My mental health was suffering. When i finally left i found freedom and so much peace. Peace should not be negotiable. Toxic people dont change and they dont like u for no particular reason, they are very bitter and miserable people. Remember, misery loves company.

40. T DeStefanoJanuary 9,2025 at 2:43PM UTC

    Wow! Completely uncalled for and not at all what the

    is site is meant for. You need a therapist or someone to talk to!

41. Ashwini VasudevanJanuary 9,2025 at 2:53PM UTC

    I've dealt with someone like this and I understand your frustration because this feels like a personal attack on your work quality. This is what I did, for my sanity : before I worked on any report, I would put an invite on her calendar asking for direction. This prevented overwork for me and I'd guess her, and I would openly appreciate her skill and smarts. I played her game on her, by sending her a version every half a day and asking for feedback. When she got overwhelmed, she finally found someone else to bully. Hope this helps! I wish you luck in finding your next role soon.

42. GirlBossanova934974January 9,2025 at 3:01PM UTC

    I am missing something here! A BIG MISS! I am not reading much about this person's attempt to escalate this issue to her manager and her manager's manager. Something like I met with so and so on 1 NOV and nothing was done! Meeting with HR? Not reading that here either. So in essence, this employee does not want to be confrontational with a very confrontational co worker. Based upon my experience, that is a huge mistake. The only solution is to be highly confrontational. Escalate every incident to management on a daily basis if required. Escalate that to HR even quicker. The problem today is you have managers who aren't qualified to run a lemonade stand. They don't have the experience to know that by their INACTION, they are promoting and creating a HOSTILE work environment which some outside employment lawyer is going to have a field day with, down the road. Believe me! In the last 3 years, I had the strong displeasure of working with a very highly confrontational and mentally disturbed coworker who was constantly trying to undercut me at every chance she had. I should have gone after her from minute 1, with all sorts of comments about her to my management. That is the only thing she understood. Believe me! The abuse stops when the employee in questions knows that she is going to be fingered and pointed out for every single mistake or possible error she makes. And the more management time gets tied up with finger pointing and counter finger pointing, the better! Management will finally get off its proverbial rear end and take action.

43. Diana SchneidmanJanuary 9,2025 at 3:29PM UTC

    If you read fairy God boss regularly, you know that hostile environment must be hostile on the grounds of sex, race, etc. If you are in the US and you are both white females of similar ages , you are keeping yourself riled up over something that will never pan out for you. It looks to me like one person is hostile and everyone else likes and respects. You. Focus on that. Spend more time chatting with other co-workers who like you. Go to lunch with others. Avoid discussing your boss and be enjoyable to be around. As long as Grand boss and everyone else appreciate you, maintain positive relationships with everyone else. Figure out a way to give this one person less headspace and enjoy everything else about this job

44. GirlBossanova934974January 9,2025 at 4:46PM UTC

    Workplaces are not imaginary places in the sky.......Seasoned managers with ACTUAL training and education in what makes up a HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT understand they are putting their company at serious financial risk when they allow things to go on which are NOT LEGAL. They don't wait around for a lawsuit to hit the desk of their superiors. These lawsuits are usually settled out of court for tens of thousands or hundreds of thousands of dollars. The WORST OUTCOME? Management KNEW all about it and did nothing. You can add another ZERO to the settlement to pay for that, just by itself.

45. AnonymousJanuary 9,2025 at 3:09PM UTC

    Some good advice already (and some bizarre advice and out-there takes on the situation).

    Had a similar issue. Co-worker, not my boss, everyone knew she was a problem, and she tried very hard to get me fired. She was telling our boss that I often came in 15 or 20 minutes "late" (exempt, not coverage-based role) while neglecting to add that the badge-in records also showed I was the last one out at 6 or 7 pm. She said people were asking if I'd gone to a part-time schedule. So I made a point of using the backdoor (locked 24/7 so there was a record of me coming in and I was already on record for badging out last 90% of the time) and saying hello to everyone on my way through the office. I also kept my own record of my time in and time out everyday with an email to myself first thing and last thing everyday. When I was flat-out accused of stealing time, I had all of those records turned over to my boss within 10 minutes. The troublemaker went to elaborate lengths to avoid me for a long time after that, so I made a special point of smiling really big and saying hello very brightly everytime we happened to be in proximity. She would turn her head and ignore. I was NOT the one who looked bad in those interactions.

    We still worked together for 10 years after that mess until she finally retired.

    What changed? 1) a new boss who didn't put up with the crap. 2) new boss found more work for her so she didn't have nearly as much free time to stir up trouble. 3) her position moved to remote, so far fewer opportunies to gossip and engage in drama.

    Doesn't sound likely that you'll have those advantages, so try the obnoxiously pleasant route and do whatever you need to do to document your own work. Ex, maybe send your finished work immediately to all stakeholders - her included if applicable - and solicit feedback. So it's you showing everyone your solid work product, others having one or two (or no) edits, and her looking like a witch for publicly tearing apart your perfectly good work.

    Good luck. I know it's hard.

46. AnonymousJanuary 9,2025 at 3:36PM UTC

    If you need to stay put for a while I recommend listening to Mel Robbins' Let Them Theory audiobook or read the hardcover. It has been life changing for me and has helped me to put things in perspective.

47. AnonymousJanuary 9,2025 at 3:46PM UTC

    Sympathy? She's asking for ways to better deal with the idiot at work while she makes her next move. Honey, you're a mess. Please seek help.

48. Diana SchneidmanJanuary 9,2025 at 3:47PM UTC

    Are you working overtime to meet her demands? Does her reworking everything ease your workload? Focus on getting out of there on time everyday without taking work, home and on having happy conversations with coworkers as much as possible

49. AnonymousJanuary 9,2025 at 3:56PM UTC

    I have had some people like that at my job. I also have a 6 figure job and I am stuck for the same reasons as you. Fast forward 6 years and those people have quit, died and retired. I kept my head down and kept working- they are all gone now and I have no more issues. It’s tough to get through but eventually it works out- glad I kept going and didn’t let them have their way-

50. BarbaraJanuary 9,2025 at 4:10PM UTC

    So true!

51. AnonymousJanuary 9,2025 at 4:18PM UTC

    Now that’s a horrible response. Lavish lifestyle? Where do you get that. Sounds like a very honest person reaching out asking this safe community for their experience. Also what’s wrong with a lavish lifestyle that you’ve EARNED! Shame on you.

52. Goalsetter120778January 9,2025 at 4:34PM UTC

    I would start a documentation trail. Document every single interaction that you have with her and every change that she makes on your work. Are you a part of a union? You may need to seek legal counsel so this documentation will be vital to your case.

53. AnonymousJanuary 9,2025 at 4:35PM UTC

    For some reason the place I’ve worked for 4 years has had several really difficult and toxic people. The big ring leader (the president) has finally resigned. Left in her wake are some residual people infected by her evil deeds. One of them I’ve worked closely with for 4 years. On occasion she has come for me. The last time changed my tactics towards her considerably. She is very good at what she does and is an expert. I too am very good at what I do but am not an expert in her field and was never hied to be. After her last outrageous attack (she came for our boss as well). I’ve just iced her out. I’m cordial but not intimate. When we work on things together I used to bend over backwards to do the most work and make sure she was supported beyond what I needed to do. I now do the bare minimum and she has to ask for the things that I used to just do. She had a meeting with me the other day and tried to explain away her behavior( her big supporter is now gone). I listened but didn’t melt. I will continue working with her in this way. It works for me and the work that I do. I had wanted to be friendly as I am with everyone. But that’s over with her. I had been very wrapped up looking for her approval and that was toxic. So she’s been. Wonderful teacher for me.

54. Licia PhillipsJanuary 9,2025 at 5:17PM UTC

    Hi, first since she is just a co-worker why do you have to cc her with your work?? Is you have why don’t you also cc your manager? This way she sees your original work. When your co-worker changes it the manager will be aware then you can bring up the situation to the manager to see why your co-worker changes it as if you are not doing the work correctly. It is always best to document everything and include your manager in any correspondence you have with others. This will help with issues as they arrive. I’m a manager at my place of work and this what I do and it helps keep people in check without you have to have any confrontations with co- workers. Hopefully you have a boss that will step up and take care of the situation.

55. KathyJanuary 9,2025 at 5:21PM UTC

    The problem is that this women is a bully and she has targeted you. She is probably intimated by you and your competence.

    I too have been targeted by bullies and it's exhausting and problematic. The company doesn't want to deal with the her behavior and it falls to you to suffer.

    I don't have a solution. There is no talking to people to like this. The company that I worked for where this bullying took place had a toxic culture which provided cover for the bullies.

    I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Good luck!

56. AnonymousJanuary 9,2025 at 5:30PM UTC

    You don’t work FOR her you work WITH her. Copy your manager on every single communication. Have a 1:1 with your boss outlining the inappropriate ways she changes your work. Is this even allowed? Is this the person’s job? If not, first go to your manager then set up a meeting with HR, tell them you want to file a formal complaint against the coworker and would like to resolve internally before you go external by bringing in an attorney. Now if none of this is feasible, keep looking and get out, The coworker for some reason is not being written up and it sounds like continuous behavior long before you. Be the one that stops it or get out as soon as possible, You have a choice, tolerate it till you can get out, not tolerate it and report her, or continue as usual. You have a choice and personally I’d make sure HR pulled her in to reprimand her.

57. AnonymousJanuary 9,2025 at 6:58PM UTC

    I am honestly in a very similar situation and it is hella stressful. :-( I have started keeping notes and receipts for EVERYTHING and totally CYA-ing myself.

    This is a person who is also not my boss but holds a position of power due to years of service and title and has even gone as far as to go to my boss to say I was doing a shitty job. Note-no one else is giving this feedback and I have literally never had this feedback in my 20+ years in my field.

    I hope you are able to find a solution and am eager to see others suggestions on how to handle this.

58. maria roseJanuary 10,2025 at 1:02AM UTC

    You are stuck in a situation where you can’t just leave because you’re financially dependent on your paycheck and emotionally being drained by a coworker who from the description given has been given free reign to make critic comments on your work performance and probably is standing in your way of being transferred from working elsewhere at your company. Like many of the other commenters here, I had the “pleasure” of working with someone like this, who was very critical of my performance and tried to handicap my ability to progress and for some reason was tolerated by the managers above them. I was able to get some reprieve from this person when they tried to take away my Sunday shift ( Sundays were optional shifts from weekday shifts and I had enough seniority to get OT for working that shift) mainly because they wanted / needed to earn more money about their full time earnings despite never working there full 40 hour shift. I told the head manager that if I was to lose the Sunday shift I would no longer be available to work it anymore making it a permanent non-availability since working Sundays were optional. This person was given the option to work Sundays once a month in an afternoon shift or not get any Sunday hours because they knew that they could not rely on this employee coworker to do the same work performance on the limited staffing schedule for Sundays. So to the OP of this post, if your job performance is that good that this cowriter is critiquing it, stop making it emotionally that stressful if you can’t financially just quit. I am not suggesting tolerating it either but start making a journal note of every single thing ( verbal and written) that this employee does to make your job difficult to do. Leave on time, unless it’s the higher manager who directly tell you to stay on. This person is doing this to cover their job performance. Unfortunately, there’s a lot of managers in this world who don’t want to do their full job and easily let others do their work. But your job assignment should be coming from your manager not your coworker. If this is an office environment, you can easily make copies of your completed work with a timed date stamp and if this coworker changes your work after you have completed it, you should have the original to refer to as a backup, especially if you make a hard copy. Good luck with this

59. AnonymousJanuary 10,2025 at 1:13AM UTC

    It will take months for another organization to hire— there’s a lot of reasons hiring is going slow. It’s also volatile. Be careful.

    Can you try approaching her suggestions with curiosity? I’m not sure if you’ve tried that approach but if she feels like you’re “open” maybe she will ease off? Wishing you luck!

60. AnonymousJanuary 10,2025 at 2:22PM UTC

    Sorry to hear that you’re in work hell with this person. I would recommend doing what she is doing; get to whisper in managements ear. They need to hear it from you. You have every right to defend and support yourself. Remember that you didn’t get the job you have for nothing! You know what you are doing! Keep looking and keep working! Good luck.

61. AnonymousJanuary 10,2025 at 4:30PM UTC

    I really believe, she knows full well that you're a solid and capable contributor. Probably a little too good. The fact that she's always trying to do a 'one-up' on you just says that she wants the spotlight, and heaven help the person that gets in the way of her shine - which, in her mind, you're doing. If it weren't so annoyingly sad, it would almost be comical and The only one that should be critiquing and correcting your work is your direct supervisor. But okay. I would take this matter up with your manager, her manager, and if need be, anyone higher up (above her) and fully put it out there. If this person is impacting team moral, which I think she clearly is, then she needs to be checked and soon. Please don't let this person drive you from the good work that you do. It's evident that she has some internal issues that you didn't cause. Be blessed.

62. AnonymousJanuary 10,2025 at 4:46PM UTC

    document, document, document

    keep a file of all of her nitpicking and transgressions with notes. You may need it in the future.

63. AnonymousJanuary 14,2025 at 1:13AM UTC

    Original poster here. So, it looks like I will be able to transfer over the next month or two. A role came up and my supervisor agreed to put me in for it. It's not guaranteed yet, but it looks good. Not the ideal role I'm looking for, and without this one colleague my current job would be just fine, but I need to get away from this person. Who knows, maybe I can go back there if she leaves or retires. It's too bad I need to take this step, especially if I'm not 100% excited about it, but things were very rough with her today and I need to move for my career and sanity.

64. AnonymousJanuary 15,2025 at 3:00AM UTC

    I truly understand and I am in a very similar situation. It is best to preserve your health and sanity. Be in a place where you can go home and have a fun night with friends and family not as an escape but for enjoyment. You can't get that if you are in fight or flight from work. You deserve better. A new job is a new learning opportunity and self care.

65. Wanda ShawJanuary 16,2025 at 9:27AM UTC

    I understand how you feel. But if this move allows you to breath and be at peace, then it’s worth it. All the best to you.

66. AnonymousJanuary 15,2025 at 2:54AM UTC

    I'm in a similar situation with a micromanaging and bullying coworker. Despite numerous escalations to my boss and HR, there’s been no resolution. She continues her microaggressions against the team and me, even targeting the boss at times. I’ve documented everything and made it clear to my boss that we’re at a breaking point. I’ve also pointed out that if the behavior she reports me for isn’t addressed equally across the company, it’s discrimination. Now we’re left with two options: either escalate others’ actions to HR for fairness or consider legal action.

    I agree that this behavior often stems from insecurity and a lack of emotional intelligence. I hope your situation improves—it’s tough to deal with this.