Considering my options

35 Comments

1. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistDecember 17,2022 at 11:03PM UTC

   I highly recommend you start looking for a new job immediately- because you're right, it will happen again.

   Knowing that this situation is not going to be your long-term future - that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel - always helps me with an attitude adjustment.

   I'm like I'm just gonna be a duck and let this roll off my back because my time of having to deal with you and your bs is coming to an end soon.

   GOOD LUCK!

2. Sabrina CortesDecember 17,2022 at 11:43PM UTC

   I'm so sorry you're going through this!

   I agree with Joan. It's an unacceptable work atmosphere and you should get out of there.

   If you decide to start your job search journey, I'm a professional Resume Writer and I'd like to offer you a free resume review. :)) No strings attached and no spamming, especially because I don't like getting spam. If you're interested, feel free to email me at sabrina@writewithsabrina.com.

   Best of luck to you!!

   Sabrina

3. AnonymousDecember 18,2022 at 3:03PM UTC

   I once had a manager that reminded me of the football coach who thinks the way to motivate a player is to call them nothing but a piece of crap. One day when this happened, I walked out of the office and took a stroll down the block to cool off. When I returned, I went into his office and explained that I did not appreciate being treated that way. I also explained that I was under treatment for mental illness (PTSD) that arose from an abusive ex-husband, and his temperament was exacerbating my symptoms. He lightened up a little after that, but it was mostly walking around on eggshells, afraid I would do something drastic. I, like you, was trapped in making sure I kept my job, and thankfully another one I had wanted for several years came open. I was able to leave on a good note, and my mental health improved significantly. I may have had to leave to maintain my sanity.

4. Melissa NobileDecember 19,2022 at 11:57AM UTC

   Get a backbone! If you get called in and boss yells, you put your hand up to interrupt and say, “I know you’re having a problem with this information, but that doesn’t give you permission to yell at me. When you can discuss calmly, I’m happy to chat. “ Then walk out.

   In the mean time, look for another position just in case things don’t get better.

5. AnonymousDecember 19,2022 at 3:29PM UTC

   Please do NOT follow this advice. In many companies it's considered insubordination especially if you walk out! Only follow this advice if you already have another job lined up.

6. Melissa NobileDecember 19,2022 at 9:33PM UTC

   There is no way I will ever put up with bad behavior from a boss, a co-worker, or even my children. If you allow it to happen, it will continue to happen.

7. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistDecember 20,2022 at 5:35PM UTC

   Well that's all good for you but if you can't afford to be out of work - like the OP said was her situation - her first responsibility to herself is to make sure she doesn't do anything that could get her fired.

8. AnonymousDecember 20,2022 at 1:48PM UTC

   Showing the deference expected as part of subordination isn't the same as being punching bag.

9. AnonymousDecember 20,2022 at 4:26PM UTC

   sorry but NO boss has any right to yell at someone EVER , like NEVER. the boss is WRONG please stop putting the blame on the person abused.

10. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistDecember 20,2022 at 5:34PM UTC

    Anonymous said no such thing as putting the blame on the OP - all she said was since you've already said you can't afford to be out of work, don't do anything to get yourself fired. Which I consider to be good advice.

11. AnonymousDecember 20,2022 at 1:25PM UTC

    I like this advice in theory, but in practice I would probably just let the boss say their piece, and then respond as calmly as possible, “I will work on that for you.” And in reality, I would’ve already been looking for jobs after the first incident. Your boss is a loose cannon. If she can freak out about a relatively minor communication issue, what else is she capable of?

12. GirlBossanova934974December 20,2022 at 1:28PM UTC

    Some employees have a meltdown every once in a while and so do managers! The key to dealing with this is if this manager is simply having a very bad day or this is a pattern that will keep on repeating. As a business owner myself, I have learned the toughest skillset to master is patience. Things that seem really easy to me seem very difficult to my staff at times. What to do??? Take a deep breath and go work on something else for a while. As such, yelling at the staff is a HUGE NO NO! Cannot happen, ever! Taking hearsay from the grapevine as gospel is a rookie manager mistake. Never take one person's word for it when several people are involved. People will play you like a fiddle if you as a manager start doing that. All this being said, I would look for a transfer out of the organization you are in if you can find it. Rookie mistakes and cardinal errors seem to the way of your manager and that rarely ends well.

13. AnonymousDecember 20,2022 at 1:48PM UTC

    I'd start looking for another job if you haven't already. Then I would refrain from talking about this with other employees. Next, do not label anyone you work with as "bipolar" or in having a personality disorder, you're simply not qualified to do so. Now in order to continue working with this person, I'd suggest you start documenting the details of these incidents in writing, dates, witnesses, etc. for your own personal records and then ask your manager for a one on one meeting, I might say something along the lines of "It seems like there has been some miscommunication regarding X , rather than talking to Person A, I'd be happy to provide you updates on -whatever interval-. This will help ensure you and I both have a better understanding of what's going on.

14. Karen Morris RushDecember 20,2022 at 1:54PM UTC

    Something that I use is a little mantra “They are not giving me a hard time, they are having a hard time.” While we all wish our leaders would only possess positive characteristics remember they are all human. Then you need to think (after not in the moment) if this is a place you can see yourself thriving long term. If yes work on coping mechanisms as it will probably happen again. If no update resume and start putting out feelers.

15. AnonymousDecember 20,2022 at 2:09PM UTC

    So many employers are looking for employees! I would be looking for another job.

16. Mary PoolDecember 20,2022 at 2:09PM UTC

    The way that has worked really well for me in the past is to have the manager call in everyone mentioned; as soon as a name is mentioned, I'd say, "let's get them in here to clear this up." It does two things. First, the person who gave the misinformation is put on the line for spreading misinformation, and second, it creates a break in the cycle, allowing everyone to take a step back. If the manager says, "no, I'm not calling them in," ask why? This is gently putting the burden back on your manager. Then ask yourself, "do you like this job?" "Do you want to keep this job?" If the answer is "no," start quietly looking for a better option. If the answer is "yes," then find ways to break the cycle. Sometimes we need to train our managers. It would be entirely appropriate to tell them, "I don't like how this was handled; in the future, please ask me for an explanation before you assume the worse."

17. BethBDecember 20,2022 at 2:14PM UTC

    Sometimes it is worth asking is it really them or is it me. Before blaming your manager and using supposed mental illness as a reason, take a step back. There is a chance you are taking a while to learn things others mastered faster, isn’t there? None of us is perfect. Sometimes what one person sees as asking for help others see as asking to be spoon fed. If that’s the way your manager sees it, her perception, asking specific questions that show you have already done a tutorial and went as far as you can go works better with that type of manager.

    it is incredibly insulting when people say things like she must have borderline personality disorder or be bipolar. Those are legitimate diagnoses, not something to say about difficult people.

18. AnonymousDecember 20,2022 at 4:43PM UTC

    it's INCREDIBLY insulting to be yelled at for NO reason.

19. Stephanie LekowskiDecember 20,2022 at 2:17PM UTC

    You shouldn't have to take this. It's a freakin' JOB, not the military. This Miranda Priestley wannabe is WAY out of line. Start looking for another job and do what would be employers and recruiters are doing now- vet heavily. Read employee reviews, do your homework, ask any questions you want. If your gut tells you something isn't right, LISTEN to it. Most of us do have bills, but suffering through is not noble or "being an adult". I used to tell myself that and it's not true. The pandemic should have taught all of us that we don't know what'll happen, so we need to do what's best for our mental and physical health (yes, one affects the other). Please listen to you, not anyone else, family, friends, colleagues, etc. Hope this helps and please take care of yourself (not selfish).

20. Maggie StoneDecember 20,2022 at 2:29PM UTC

    I am sorry that you are going through this. It is awful to have a manager who takes a “shoot first and ask questions later”approach. If you got an “oh, sorry,” that is actually a pretty decent resolution. I would not take the advice to walk out on your boss. That could be seen as insubordinate or inflammatory. In other words, that will not help your case or deescalate the situation. And before you jump ship, I would consider if you like the job and industry in general. Will it advance your goals? I would also have a 1:1 with your manager to discuss what further training you need and how communication can be improved. But if it’s clear that they aren’t going to support you or have a productive conversation, then yes, I would look elsewhere.

21. Christi MillerDecember 20,2022 at 2:49PM UTC

    I would find a new role either within the company or somewhere else. This will happen again and the next time may not be so easy to shake off either.

22. T MNDecember 20,2022 at 2:54PM UTC

    I would be applying for a new position in a new company ASAP. If this behavior is tolerated in one department, chances are it's tested in others. TOXIC.

23. AnonymousDecember 20,2022 at 2:58PM UTC

    Hi, I'm sorry that you're having such a difficult time and hope that the advice you get here will help you either resolve things in this job or make a move to an environment that is a better fit. As a psychologist, I also want to gently add my voice to the people encouraging you not to casually speculate about mental illness as the cause of these behaviors. I wish you all the best in this tough situation

24. EMILY KIKUE FRANKDecember 20,2022 at 3:06PM UTC

    Document everything and begin looking for something new. Bad managers seldom get better with time.

25. AnonymousDecember 20,2022 at 3:28PM UTC

    and contact HR if that is an option

26. Kerry RoperDecember 20,2022 at 3:50PM UTC

    You won't shake it, it's clear, or you wouldnt have taken the time to post this. It will most likely happen again, unless the person is removed from their position, so either you or someone else will have to teach this person how to better communicate with their staff. In the interim, start looking. It doesnt matter if you think they're bipolar or if you heard that they worked with someone who said they were difficult. But, YOU matter, and your workplace and coworkers have a huge impact on who you are and how you feel. Remember, you cannot control what others say or do, but you CAN control your reactions to them.

27. AnonymousDecember 20,2022 at 4:15PM UTC

    LOOK for work then give your notice, only so long u can hold on. You have bills , so send out resumes , work hard on your CV. and eventually u can give your notice. there is no saying this person will leave , she might leave 2/3 months after you, it really sucks i know.

28. Arthur StrimlingDecember 20,2022 at 4:57PM UTC

    Also, if what you say about the boss is true, then everybody there knows it. Look for allies, especially ones who've been around a while. They may know successful workarounds and other ways of dealing

29. AnonymousDecember 20,2022 at 4:41PM UTC

    Well if there is one thing that is sure to happen over time, whether sooner or later, it's that bosses change! I would assess the culture of your new workplace as a whole. If your boss seems to be a symptom of it rather than an outlier of negativity, then I would start looking for options. If you decide to ride it out short term or long term, maybe you can figure out ways to proactively get ahead of your boss's rants - perhaps overcommunicating. Example - was there a way to counteract the "grapevine" miscommunication before it got to your boss? Could an approach of, "hey, I'm new to this software and I really appreciate a few minutes of your time to share your expertise with me" help set up the situation differently? Unfortunately, it sounds like your boss isn't going to miraculously alter her behavior, but maybe being overly proactive to become her "trusted advisor" could help, at least until it gets better or you find another opportunity. As for the yelling, maybe calmly let her know that you respond best to private feedback where you can ask questions and provide context that will provide her with the best information. (Let her know that providing her with the best information to make decisions and help her as your boss is important to you.) Essentially, make it about her. I know that's a lot and can get exhausting, but if it helps even in the short term until you find something else, maybe try it out! And of course, there's always HR - I'm sure you're not the only one with issues, and HR may have a history of complaints. Good luck

30. AnonymousDecember 20,2022 at 6:01PM UTC

    The older I get, the less I want to take from people. I’d be caught off guard when that happened, but I’d be prepared for the next time. If she started yelling at me I think I would just stand there and not even try to speak until she was done. Then I would very calmly tell her it isn’t ok to speak to me like that. Most times people like her back down when they know you won’t be rattled or take their BS. And even if she doesn’t, you’re in the same situation as before. But you will feel better because you didn’t let yourself be treated that way. Also, if it’s another grapevine situation, I’d add on the “ in the future please come to me with concerns before making assumptions “ or something like that.

31. Bonny FilandrinoDecember 20,2022 at 11:12PM UTC

    I coached several folks in similar circumstances when someone starts yelling at you, look at them and ask" why in the world would you WANT to talk to me like this? Add "Iam just trying to do my job"" Emphasis on "why" be sure not to say " why are you.." that's aggressive. Usually, the person yelling stops. In fact, the best way to shut down anyone being verbally aggressive is to ask a question..they have to stop talking ..

32. Kristie WhiteDecember 20,2022 at 6:27PM UTC

    In a prior job, I worked for a Vice President of HR who had a personality disorder. I am basing that statement on the therapists in the Employee Assistance Program and the personal therapist that I had to engage to help me deal with the lack of work/life balance, the unreasonable demands, the lack of support and the lack of empathy for me as a single mom. This woman had no empathy for people; she was a workaholic and no children. But she would willingly give you time off if your dog was sick. Did I mention she was head of HR? When a colleague started to bully me, she gave me no support and seemed completely oblivious to what was going on right in front of her - even to the point of talking about me right in front of me as though I wasn't there. By the end of it, I was crashing and burning - I couldn't remember anything - all I could do was go to work, shut my office door and cry all day trying to do my work. I was a mess and because she signed the paychecks, no one would go against her and all the therapists told me i had to leave. So I say with the utmost empathy - run don't walk to the next position. I have also witnessed this behavior in clients' managers and it is tyrannical, humiliating to staff, and extremely disrespectful. It will undermine your confidence in yourself and you will be traumatized because of the unexpected attacks from the blue. Do not put your mental health at risks - it takes months to recover. If your spidey sense is telling you this is a red flag, you shouldn't ignore it. Your gut knows what's in store.

33. AnonymousDecember 23,2022 at 2:19AM UTC

    You are absolutely on point here. That describes me in a prior position when I would just sit at my desk and cry. I cried on the way to work and on the way home and lost all confidence in myself. When I got fired from that job, that boss did me a huge favor! My confidence is back and I know my worth. This is what leads me to be in the state of mind that I don't have to accept this and I'm worth more than this. Thank you!

34. AnonymousDecember 21,2022 at 2:29AM UTC

    I have deep compassion for your situation. I have been a professional in dentistry for 34+ years,and in the past few years,never have I seen the most corrupt and abhorrent unprofessionalism in the dental workplace,which is actually supposed to have a strong standard of customer service and"teamwork". I had one doctor physically grab me , because he didn't like the way I gently handed him an instrument,in front of the patient! I looked him directly in the eyes and asked if he wanted to arm wrestle! ( He was stunned,and said "You win") There was no HR to report this abuse , because he was a private practice,his head assistant was losing her hair from the stress from staying on with that monster,and we'll have none of that! I finished the day only because he apologized,and went home and left a message on the machine of the office that I found another job,( which I did thank God!) His wife harassed me for the entire day demanding why I didn't come back to the office on my voicemail.( Unacceptable insanity) I found another practice where the head assistant was hoarding instruments ,so we would have to search for them in front of the doctor,looking as if we were unprepared and unskilled (purposeful sabotaging for position) The doctor called a staff meeting for organizing stations to have adequate instruments and the hoarder sneered at the doctor with hatred,in front of everyone!

    After we set about organizing as a"team" the instruments couldn't be found to stock the drawers,at the end of the day ,they were all in her station! I turned down the position politiely because obviously these doctors think it's okay( it's not! Thes are not workable workplace conditions) and the psycho head assistant came after that at a reputable specialist office,outbursts of screaming about some kind of light switch she never showed us about in the first place,displaced anger? Bipolar definitely,these so called professionals co sign the insane behavior with the insane rationalism, that," she's a little picky sometimes". When I found myself riddled with fear about it , I decided I have a right to a workplace that doesn't frighten me,there are laws about bullying in the workplace now ,and my mom died from cancer due directly to the fact that she put up with being bullied in the workplace! I texted the specialist Dr. Directly told him I will not be attending , and I have a right to safe working conditions in the workplace without unnecessary hostility,which is a standard and not a suggestion! He apologized and agreed.

    My best advice is to look for a new job on your lunch hours , it's empowering and it's my new policy, I have an old school friend whom started this policy to always keep your options open ,and she was right ,thank God! I finally found a nice location and office with people who are happy to really work as a team,better pay and benefits!!! Thank God it was worth the fight for better. The more people refuse to work with insane unprofessional behaviors ,they will have to make a change or carry the load by themselves ,and seriously (not a problem for us to move on!)It can work for you too,God speed my friend,keep the position,and do the work search on your lunch hours ,get hired , and you will get hired fast believe me new employers love that you are working and looking for a change,( no disclosures about bad behavior,and are just looking for a change ) you are a valuable asset ,and they kind of like stealing a good hire,someone already working is gold to them these days! Stay Golden my friend and if your finances could handle it don't be afraid to take a stand and walk,it shows your kids how to stop the cycle of abuse in its tracks and avoid being on one those shows about being murdered by an abusive husband or wife,because they are too afraid to leave when they showed the abusive signs in the beginning.

    We'll have none of that too Amen!!!)

35. AnonymousDecember 23,2022 at 2:12AM UTC

    Wow, that sounds absolutely horrible what you went through! I'm just glad I don't have to be in the office daily since I am mostly out in the field seeing my clients. That is definitely a saving grace. I am also happy to say that since the time of my posting, I have been contacted by another potential employer. I'm definitely cautiously optimistic and we'll see how it goes. Thanks so much to everyone who took the time to respond!