I'm being bullied at work and I don't know what to do.

135 Comments

1. AnonymousApril 16,2022 at 12:01PM UTC

   I am so sorry to hear this. I have a very similar situation , feel just as lost. Decided to leave. If management tolerates this level of toxic behavior, it is nothing I can control. IT IS NOT a reflection of your talents, your possibilities. Take a look, just to see if something viable is out there. Sometimes a fresh start will be better than you can imagine. The process of finding something new is not easy but it is better than not having any hope of change where you currently are working. That is the conclusion I came to… and again so sorry for the heartache. You deserve better.. we all do.

2. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 2:16PM UTC

   When management knows it's happening and does nothing to stop it, it's a feature not a bug.

3. Megan HamiltonApril 16,2022 at 12:27PM UTC

   I am so sorry to hear this, this sounds so stressful and unnecessary. One of the things I usually suggest when folks are being gaslit and abused at work is to name it in the moment, as plainly as possible. It’s hard to do but can have incredible affect. Most bullies aren’t used to having their behaviour named. This can look like “please stop interrupting me, it makes it difficult to finish my presentation.” Or “I’m it sure I understand what you mean - can you spell it out in greater detail?”

   I hope things get better for you soon, whatever your decision!

4. Rashida GrahamApril 16,2022 at 1:07PM UTC

   I am so very sorry that you are dealing with what sounds like a toxic situation and definitely impactful on your mental health, especially as a Black woman.
   It pains me to see negative and unsupportive behavior between women, even more so on such a small team. I agree with the response from Megan to name the behavior in the moment.

   My addition would be to think of this like any other relationship. How would you respond if a friend, acquaintance, or relative was displaying the same behavior? Also consider that you have the upper hand because the VP is a recent addition. Respect must be earned. And if your company has an Employee Assistance Program as one of the benefits, you may want to check it out.

   At the end of the day, you must do what is best for your life. Have faith. It's scary to venture into the unknown but there could be more than you ever hoped for out there.

5. Juanita JamesApril 16,2022 at 1:03PM UTC

   I agree with the advice below because I understand where you are coming from. Currently, I'm in a similar situation as you. First, call for what it is and be firm. It will be scary but necessary. If it continues, after several tries, then start looking elsewhere. I wish u look.

6. AnonymousApril 16,2022 at 2:08PM UTC

   Sorry to hear your situation. It seems like we are living in a time where this type of behavior is tolerated as normal. Has it occurred to you that the VP is actually jealous of your accomplishments?

   Her behavior is showing how much she truly does not like seeing you in that position. I do agree with the prior comment that addressing these issues as they happen may be the best way to handle this. If you show her you're not afraid to stand up to her especially in front of others she may back down.

   You can always leave but sure would hate to see this VP win. Have you sought any legal advice?

7. Lisa MarieApril 16,2022 at 8:34PM UTC

   Hello, to get straight to the point, find another job and leave. Your happiness and mental health is worth more than anything that job has to offer.

8. AnonymousApril 17,2022 at 2:20AM UTC

   I am sorry that your work environment is so trying.
   The VP's behavior is inexcusable, regardless of her health status. Is it necessary that you have one-on-one's with the VP? If you have to meet with her, can you meet with her and someone else? It seems the VP would be less likely to use the one-on-one's as confessionals if someone else were present.

   Does the consultancy have an HR specialist? (It seems unlikely if the firm is so small, but I hope it does! Or, an ERG benefit?) An HR specialist can listen to both/all sides, help determine a plan to resolve conflicts and check in to make sure that everything is going well after the plan has been in place for a while. If you approach an HR professional, you can outline what steps you and the VP have taken to improve your communication so that you are portraying the situation in the best light possible.

   Calling out the VP's behavior in the moment is a good suggestion. Although speaking dispassionately might be difficult, this would be the best approach. It might give the VP pause.

   While it is understandable that you seem vulnerable after breaking down and revealing your feelings to your boss, it would help to try your best to put that incident in the past. I would question how humane your coworkers are if people do not give someone the grace to very infrequently express how horrible a day it has been.

   And, as others have stated, no matter how much you enjoy your work and the team you manage, and how much it might seem like a defeat to leave, if you have done all that you can do to improve your workplace relationships but to no avail, for your sake you might want to step up the effort to find another role.

   Wishing you the best! Please do not lose sight of all that you have accomplished and what more you can accomplish!!!

9. Cindy LaceyApril 17,2022 at 1:04PM UTC

   I wish I had your confidence in HR people. They tend to work for the company and also tend to support the higher ranking person.

10. AnonymousApril 17,2022 at 2:43AM UTC

    So sorry you are going through this. I want to echo others and say you are not alone. My heart goes out to you. I am going through an extremely similar scenario. When you're stripped of dignity for so long it takes a toll. The advice given to me has been to look for new employment (this was a difficult pill to swallow), and ultimately this may end up elevating vs hurting your career. It may be the universe telling you a new opportunity is in the wings.

11. Karla ReynagaApril 17,2022 at 5:48AM UTC

    I know how you feel I've worked at my job for 15 years and I got sexual harassed for years I finally had the courage to tell the owner and he told me aleast you didn't get slap beat or rape and I got hurt and they didn't want to work with me so I got a lawyer and they told me to quit cause I was going to get fired anyways

12. AnonymousApril 17,2022 at 12:20PM UTC

    It's eerie how much your situation is the same as one I went through a few years ago. I did go to HR with no success - they told me that basically I needed to figure out what I needed to do to get along with the VP. I ended up quitting and now I'm in a better position.

13. Shelly NixonApril 17,2022 at 12:24PM UTC

    This happened to me and I lost a job I loved. There’s a really great resource I turned to: https://workplacebullying.org/

14. Jodie JohnsonApril 17,2022 at 1:45PM UTC

    Yes! I'm part of the NY team. We're working on legislation against workplace bullying.

15. Christi MillerApril 17,2022 at 12:24PM UTC

    I'm sorry you are going through this. Bullies typically manage well upwards and that's why your manager can't believe the things you say. Find another role and be happy. Life is too short to be miserable at work.

16. GirlBossanova934974April 17,2022 at 12:26PM UTC

    Couple of things: 1) If the new VP is not well enough to be working, she shouldn't be working. 2) You run into people into the workplace who you're not to going to like. 3) These things have a tendency to play out. Those tirades and bad behavior get noticed by one and all. Think if you reported to this woman. Sooner or later, if things don't change, the new VP will wear out her welcome and be gone. Over a few decades, I have discovered that "fire breathers" and such usually end up out the door in 12-18 months. It is the ones who pull off nonsense behind closed doors that are far more worrisome, last a lot longer, and cause a lot more damage to the companies they are with.

17. Liz WanicApril 17,2022 at 12:51PM UTC

    I have had similar situations to this myself, and while it is very unfair that you need to make a change because of someone else's reprehensible behavior, sometimes that is the best thing you can do for yourself. I have had to leave two jobs and one organization completely due to this type of behavior. I guess the main thing to remember is that you really have two main options 1) write down everything that the person does, with dates and specifics and try to get someone in a position of authority to do something or 2) remove yourself from the situation. I have found that the higher up the person who does the bullying is and the more directed it is at you, even if people notice it, no one will or can do anything about it. I would suggest that you try this first because you may be lucky and find success. However, if it doesn't work, the only other option is to remove yourself from the situation. You can either move to another role in the company where that individual no longer has direct impact on your day to day, or you can look outside. Does this feel extremely unfair, yes, but is it the reality of the situation, also yes. But it's more important to put yourself in a healthy work situation than to continue to struggle with someone else's bad behavior. You can't control how others will respond to this situation, but you can control whether you stay.

18. Carol GriffinApril 17,2022 at 12:56PM UTC

    Hmmmm....I think I would be tempted to record any one on one meetings (without her knowledge and if legal in your state) and record every time you talk to her. Save them at home, not at office; you might have proof of toxic workplace and bullying and harrassment; If they fire you,( especially if you've reported it to your boss and same behavior continued).

19. Victoria BurkeApril 17,2022 at 1:06PM UTC

    I recorded calls I had with my VP when I could tell she was trying to build a bogus case to fire me just in case I needed them.

20. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 2:13PM UTC

    I did this. I wound up not filing a suit, but it did help me feel stronger and more in control. I also found it easier to control my emotions when I knew I was being recorded and would have to listen to myself later. (I typed out transcripts of some of my meetings with my bully boss to be able to give a lawyer a flash drive full of evidence quickly).

21. AnonymousApril 17,2022 at 1:05PM UTC

    I’ve been in your situation before.
    My greatest mistake was waiting for “things to get better”. Signs told me that the person bullying me in the same manner described said that people notice and this person would leave. For the company I worked for, they really emphasized a no-bullying workplace so how would this individual stay? Fast forward a few years later, they remain at the role, received a promotion in fact, with no signs of leaving.

    I chose to leave to preserve my mental and physical health. Quite frankly, I waiting too long for the “right” opportunity and for the problem to be fixed. I waited too long. Reflecting on that, I didn’t want to start over in a new workplace but it was a good choice for me. I had been battling my bully’s reputation and fighting to maintain my own while progressing my career. At the time, I knew I needed a change but was too afraid to prioritize myself. I too loved my job and enjoyed the people around me.

    But remember, they need you a lot more than you need them. The same care and loyalty you show to your workplace isn’t necessarily what they give to you. Do what is best for your mental and physical health.

    Definitely recommend seeing a psychologist to give you the tools to manage the anxiety attacks to build up to a point where you take that step outwards from team or company. I also recommend that you look for another role in a different company. Just remember that looking and interviewing does NOT mean you are accepting a new job. It does not mean you’ve given up on the company you’re at. It means you’re gaining the experience in finding a role outside your company in terms of interviewing and applications. Take your time without the pressure of NEEDING to find a job. At that point, have a refreshing experience to see what’s out there before you judge the application and interviewing process. Allow yourself the space to do this and to breathe.

    There is another company, team, and boss that would be lucky to have you. Don’t forget that! You got this, you can do this. When they go low, we go high.

22. Katherine SantanaApril 17,2022 at 1:08PM UTC

    I would not leave just yet. I think you should 1) try to find allies and identify if others on the team have been feeling the same 2) Write down specific examples and collect your evidence or record this person 3) If your manager isn't resolving the issue I would go above her with the evidence and the support of your allies 4) I wonder if your consultancy provides any HR work because I think this would be a good argument to help the organization take this seriously

23. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 2:08PM UTC

    Finding allies is a risky proposition. They don't want to be the next target, and they may be turncoats. They are out for themselves, and they want to stay on the bully's good side.

    HR is there to support management, not employees. Going to HR within a toxic workplace just puts a bullseye on your back.

24. AnonymousApril 17,2022 at 1:10PM UTC

    If you really enjoy everything else about working for this company then I would try things to make it a better situation for you if not then start looking for a new role/job elsewhere. I took the latter option when I was in a situation where I was being bullied by a colleague. Eventually he did it to so many other women they got rid of him but I couldn’t wait any longer. So I agree with others that she will eventually be “found out” but it may not be quick enough for your mental well being. And by the way - don’t trust her so called confessionals in any way, shape or form - she just doesn’t want you to complain about her again while being free to bully you in front of others and she’s using your good nature to manipulate you. She may well be lying about some of the things she’s saying to you privately as well.

25. AnonymousApril 17,2022 at 1:11PM UTC

    Also a woman of color here. It sounds like you’ve spoken with leadership and things aren’t changing. The worst is when I got pressured to keep quiet about what I was experiencing and that I would experience consequences if I did say anything. FYI, that isn’t true. The worst consequences are the ones they will face, and it’s a classic bullying tactic to try and get the bullied person to believe otherwise.

    There are people I have seen stick it out, mostly with the help of an extremely strong familial and social network. It is vital to counteract the bullying with a means of reliable support. If that weren’t in place, I would make a plan to leave. One can rise to the top of any organization but if it’s a poisonous one, is it really worth it? If it were me, I would tell people I trusted or even leave a Glassdoor review if I thought it would help others down the road.

26. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 2:06PM UTC

    Yes to the glassdoor review! And sooner rather than later.

    There could be a non-disparagement clause in a severance "agreement," so do that disparaging before being forced to sign that.

27. AnonymousApril 17,2022 at 1:15PM UTC

    Having endured a situation like this for nearly 2 years I can tell you that nothing will change her behavior. She has the power and the support of her boss. I am sure, like I did, you have tried to find new ways to cope with her, made excuses for her, tried to not let it get to you., etc. This is not a case, as someone else said, of letting her win, it’s putting your own mental health above a job you loved but that has become unbearable. There are long term impacts from having to go through this, and the longer you stay, the more damage it will do. Get out as quickly as you can and in the meantime try to minimize the damage to your self confidence and ability to trust, I too was in a small office with 8 women. I have seen this behavior in women and men but it seems to be especially bad with women leaders bullying other women. I don’t know why so many women view fellow women in the workplace as competition and become bullying mean girls, such a cliché isn’t it? but I have learned from experience that working for a woman is a risk because this behavior is so prevalent. It’s particularly sad that the organization where I experienced this was one that was dedicated to inspiring and empowering women. Take back your power and start planning your exit strategy today. You deserve a professional work environment and a boss who ensures her company provides that. She knows what’s going on, trust me, she’s not going to put a stop to it and even if the VP were to leave, do you really want to work for someone who would allow that? Chances are a next VP she hires will be very similar. That’s what happened after I left and that behavior is still happening with a whole new set of women. You can do this!

28. AnonymousApril 17,2022 at 1:26PM UTC

    You have two options, both are poison pills.

    1. File an EEOC claim, if you feel that these actions have been racially motivated. This may make things worse once the company is investigated.

    2. Get tough. Document every single instance when your VP is inappropriate. And Document what things she has said are inappropriate. Document your contributions to your company, in terms of numbers, facts and analysis.

    Present this information to the leadership. This gives them an opportunity to review. Be professional.

    You cannot control others, only your own response. Get some balance in your life, this is just a job. Not your entire life. You may benefit from counseling, and possibly medication to help you. Good luck.

29. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 2:05PM UTC

    Also, document the non-responsive response of leadership! Because they obviously don't care about how people are being treated. It's easier to file a lawsuit when you can prove the entire organization was complicit.

30. Pauline SpitzerApril 17,2022 at 1:40PM UTC

    Let her “win”. You know all she gets is you gone and another person to bully. Which management will notice eventually or not. I left the best job of my life. Took me 4 years to say this but I actually won. Even when she put her immediate resignation in on my last day after giving a months notice, management didn’t get that she was a bully, had been planning on retirement and decided to give the ultimate FU to me by resigning when I couldn’t stay at my wonderful job without her because I couldn’t say no to me new job 2 days before starting without being so unprofessional. She decided with me gone, there would be no one to have fun torturing and she’d actually have to work.

    But I won! She was there for 25 years. No one talked to her after her last day (which she stayed for two more weeks cuz they offered her money to give notice) and she now needs to work and can’t get a job. Meanwhile… I’ve kept in touch with previous coworkers and moved on to a different part of my industry and now use them to work for me. It took a while but my mental health was worth it and I don’t care if she is happy or not. I AM HAPPY!! And I learned the signs and what to do if it ever happened again. I have a better job than my dream job without the bullying!!! Good luck.

31. AnonymousApril 17,2022 at 1:44PM UTC

    Unfortunately, you are in a situation many women of all races find themselves in because they work, for and with other women. It's sad but true and I don't understand why they behave this way. This person probaby feels threatened by you for whatever reason and is treating you this way without any reason.

    I have been in your shoes and will tell you, get out while you can. I tried to work through it, fix the situation and the next thing I knew, I was fired. It was unreal and I had a stellar 16 year work history. They destroyed my mental health, my confidence and I have a huge lack of trust in others, two years later. Take control and do what is best for you. You may be sad to leave but in the end you will not regret the decision because it was YOUR decision.

32. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 2:02PM UTC

    Same here. I'm currently unemployed, and I feel too damaged to go back into a profession I used to love.

33. AnonymousApril 17,2022 at 1:46PM UTC

    Been there. After 8 years working for an entity, a new boss was hired. She was and continues to be a nightmare. I gained weight from stress eating and my blood pressure was rising even though I was fighting the fight and holding my own. I finally gave up and got out. Risking your health and mental stability are not worth it. I have lost15 pounds in three months and have found a job I love and appreciated for. You know sometimes a door is closed but another is always opened. Scary to leave a job— sure is but oh so worth it.

34. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 2:01PM UTC

    I stress-ate my way into diabetes. I tried to leave but I was stuck, with no support in my personal life or at work. When Ben and Jerry are your only friends, hire a therapist!

35. Sabrina RahmanApril 17,2022 at 1:46PM UTC

    “into our weekly 1:1s she will apologize and share that she had an exhausting morning or wasn't in the right frame of mind to listen, or most recently she found out she needed to continue receiving shots for a cancer therapy that she thought would be done by now”

    So she needs to be on leave if these things are true, not making an employee miserable.

    I think the VP is an awful person.

    And your boss probably isn’t that great of a person if they let the VP treat you as less than human on the job.

    The whole tearing into you in front of others and apologising behind closed doors does not rectify the shame of being publicly humiliated in front of your direct reports.

    Is the VP afraid you might take her spot?

    I agree with other posts about documenting interactions and filing a complaint if the VP has made it seem it might be racial discrimination.

    Also, please try to find another role at the same rank in a similar company or even one in a different industry.

    You don’t deserve this bad treatment.

    It is an abusive relationship as you have identified. So please put together a plan to leave. And don’t tell anybody about your plan until you are at a point that you can and will 100% go through with it.

    And good luck.

36. fduntvApril 17,2022 at 1:48PM UTC

    I’m sorry this is happening to you. It is awful that this VP is treating you as someone who is “less than”, especially since you’re a minority. Can you file a complaint against this company for its discriminatory behavior? Can you complain to another person who has authority over your boss? Can you talk back and challenge the person who is gaslighting you in an assertive manner? You can also observe behavior patterns to try to figure out when this VP starts acting out at you. Is it when there are certain people in the meeting? I don’t buy her excuse that she is “stressed” so she has a right to yell at you. Also if you’re in one on one meetings with her again express how you really feel about her behavior: I feel (angry, upset, …) about what you did, said … That will help you at least hold on and affirm your own reality. No one can deny what you feel! Asserting your own feelings and reality will help you stand up to this type of abuse.

37. AnonymousApril 17,2022 at 1:58PM UTC

    I stayed too long in a similar situation. I quit after she wrote me up and reported me to HR. After I left, I heard from a friend that she got demoted from manager to line staff. But she had burned too many people and got no help. Although she had been with the company for many years, she ultimately was requested to leave. I have a better position at my current company.

38. Madam anon663April 17,2022 at 2:03PM UTC

    As a white woman, I have had this happen to me and have always tried to bring ALL women along with me.

39. BethBApril 17,2022 at 2:03PM UTC

    Ehen someone apologizes for the same thing more than once it means they aren’t truly sorry. It means they know they can get away with it. The next time she apologizes, how about calling her out, nicely of course. I’m really sorry you are having a rough time with …. It really sucks. That doesn’t mean you can take it out on me. Please don’t speak like that to me again.

    We teach others how to treat us. It’s not going to bring rainbows and unicorns. It will allow you to maintain self respect.

40. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 1:59PM UTC

    If there is sincerity in the apology, it's a sign that they can't control themselves, which is even worse!

41. Kim CherrixApril 17,2022 at 2:15PM UTC

    I had this happen to me by my direct supervisor. He would also take credit for my idea’s or have me do things that I knew would have a negative affect, then throw me under the bus when it failed. I finally left, but I had all my documented proof of his behavior that I presented to his supervisors at my exit interview. I firmly believe he had no respect for anyone that didn’t serve in the military.

42. Suzie BrouilletteApril 17,2022 at 2:16PM UTC

    It sounds like you are dealing with a narcissist and there is no way to get along with them. I suggest that you start looking for another job before she pulls her final act and fires you, not because you did anything wrong, but because she cannot totally control you. If a narcissist can’t have total control they do the discard.

43. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 1:58PM UTC

    I'd be careful labeling someone as a narcissist. There are plenty of personality types that can cause someone to bully others. The key thing is that the organization permits it. Even a narcissist or sociopath can stop bullying if the organization prohibits it.

44. AnonymousApril 17,2022 at 2:25PM UTC

    Whoa, I am beyond sympathetic to your situation… Bullies at work is a huge problem I have had to deal with my whole life. I am genuinely a happy person, even when I am going through difficult situations, waking up with a smile on my face is how I get through it. I am confident, a hard worker, and I usually catch on pretty quickly to most things I am leaning. This makes me a target for the insecure, competitive, and those employees that enjoy bulling others as a way of gaining, or maintaining dominance. I have had people I really like bully me, my friends I work with bully me, and of course people I don’t know, who seem like jerks bully me….

    And, most recently I WAS FIRED because I let a bully get the best of me! This is the first time I have been fired in my life. Being competitive, and nasty is pretty much the new environment at the work. Teamwork is just a word people use to sound positive- but it ain’t a thing any longer. Being nice isn’t even cool in this world anymore - it’s sad.

    My firing did include opening up to a manager who I really loved!! One manager, but not upper management got it, and gave me the best advice; to just let it wash off me, and do my own thing. To stop trying to befriend someone who wasn’t going to change. The other boss, who was upper management, didn’t get it, and didn’t want anything to do with it - but unfortunately pretended he cared. And, now I am fired. He didn’t give a reason, other then, thanks for all the hard work, but I NO LONGER was a good fit. Yep, since the bully arrived, I tried to befriend her, then trusted her, and then she went ballistic with her attacks, and I couldn’t deal… It was too late to look back once I had let her in.

    This is what is happening to you. She opens up to you with all her hardships, and you listen. I did that too. Your boss asked you what was wrong, and you emotionally opened up. That happened to me too. And, like you, I said too much. Though your superior listened, and said things will get better, they did not. Same situation as mine.

    Now, for me, being fired was a blessing! Within two days of being fired, I found a similar job, with the same off hours as I had with my other job, that I need and love, and TWICE THE MONEY. My friend says I manifested my firing, as I would have never left out of loyalty to others!! And, those “others” WERE NOT loyal to me!! I really loved the boss who fired me. I would have stayed and taken it for quit awhile longer. But, bosses really don’t want to deal with these situations. Now I am free, and happy! The bully, and my manger that did nothing to help - did me a favor!

    This is how it is, you need to dig deep and make some hard decisions. You either learn how to deal - and this means ignoring her bulling in ever single way. This also means not being there for her, except for what your work situation demands of you. But, is it all worth it? You need to really want it, or you will blow up again, and your emotions will get the best of you. For me, it was her and I alone working together for hours - it was too much. As I said, I live to be happy. This is very important to me. If I am not trying to be my happiest, everything bad gets worse, and wallowing in my sorrow turns my life upside down. I am a single mom, and I need to be on the top of my game to be the support system I can to my son. My latest bully was in a shitty mood ever day, for one reason or another - but kissed ass with management whenever they walked in the room. I couldn’t escape her and her “Stuff”, no matter what I did. You have to work under your bully, and as you said, she ain’t leaving.

    You have some hard decisions to make. Whatever you do, make these decisions based on what you need, and what you want in order to be happy. In the meantime time, practice what you need to do if you are going to survive and be happy there. And, if it isn’t helping, you need to move on.

    At this new job, I am being very careful to not expose myself to anything that might jeopardize my new and great situation. Unfortunately, you cannot be the “real you”, you have to be savvy and protect your heart and soul…

45. AnonymousApril 17,2022 at 2:50PM UTC

    I was severely bullied to the point where I had to hire an attorney but in reality I should have quit and moved on. Here is what you should know: the bully secretly loves to hurt you and play all sorts of games and make up excuses - she will never change and you cannot make anyone change. She will always do this to you. Bosses love bullies! Post that on your wall and remember it. Bosses love bullies! The bully does the bosses dirty work for them and loves doing it. They will protect the bully to the death and fire you instead. The bully is a master of being well put together, well presented, never gets emotional in front of the bosses, and is their model employee - while they have turned you into an unprofessional, unstable emotional puddle because you are not a fighter. Don't feel bad - most of us women aren't.

    Quit the position. You already harmed your case going to the bosses superior. Bosses love bullies. They will pretend not to, but you will be the one on a PIP and pushed out. You didn't document starting at the very first incident, and you didn't nip it immediately. The bully figured out quickly that you are naive, self guessing, not confident, and an easy target. So are many of us. Get trained on workplace bullying, but also get out before you get too far gone in the mental and emotional damage. And get a therapist who understands bullying and how to help you toughen up to handle it next time.

46. AnonymousApril 17,2022 at 9:02PM UTC

    Good advice!

47. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 12:29AM UTC

    Although your post is a hard pill to swallow, I agree with everything you said. I am being bullied at work by my boss and others, because once your boss starts to bully you, other bully wanna bees take that as a cue that they can follow suit. My current boss did not hire me. My former boss who hired me left the company shortly after I started. It didn't take long for me to see that my new boss didn't like me. I was (and still am) a hard worker. The reason he didn't like me had nothing to do with my work ethic - it had to do with me not fitting the profile of how he wanted someone in my position to look and behave. There was a time when I took pride in my appearance and was dressed to the nines. I will admit that my appearance took a backseat to other issues I was dealing with. Don't get me wrong, I didn't come to work dressed like a slovenly pig. I just traded high heels for flats and dresses & skirts for sweaters and business casual slacks. My boss is younger than me and we are of the same ethnicity. Since I've started working for him, my life has been a nightmare, and that is putting it mildly. I made the mistake of vowing not to let him run me out of my job, and that when I left, it would be on my own terms. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would've left. I let my pride dictate my actions, instead of looking at the situation with a clear head. When I look back on the last few years I have been working for this man (who I really want to refer to as something less flattering, but won't because FGB may delete my post), I haven't gained anything, but I have lost alot. Like most working professionals, I spend most of my waking hours at work. Even when I am not physically at work, the stress of my job still occupies my mental space 24/7. My unhappiness from work has spilled over into my personal life. I really believe that I am suffering from functional depression. I have gained alot of weight and my home environment is in complete disarray. I rarely smile. I also don't have the mental or physical energy to socialize with family or friends. I believe in karma. When people have mistreated me, I have always received news of them suffering some degree of a reversal of fortune. Sometimes it happens quickly and sometimes it takes a while, but it always happens. Everyone has their breaking point. Last year, after doing some self-reflection and prayer, I decided it was time for me to start job hunting and escape my toxic work environment. My boss is a big part of the reason I am looking to leave, however he is not the only reason. I do share some accountability for my situation, however I realize that people who look like me are not set up for success where I work. It may sound like I am crying victimization, however I have access to internal data that supports my statement. The pandemic has opened my eyes to what's really important in life. My current work experience has caused some emotional and mental trauma, but not to the point where it's irreversible and I want to leave before the damage goes beyond repair. I have been interviewing and believe it won't be much longer when my current employer is in my rearview mirror. Whether or not one believes in a higher power (which I do), I do believe that life gives us signs when it's time for us to make a change. At first the signs may come in the form of whispers, and if we don't take heed, then the signs come in the forms of growls and gnashing. Just my two cents.

48. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 2:49AM UTC

    I love this!

49. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 1:54PM UTC

    Totally true. This is exactly what happened to me.

    One difference - I became an emotional puddle despite being a fighter. The truth is, being in an environment like that turns anyone into an emotional puddle.

50. AnonymousApril 17,2022 at 3:17PM UTC

    I was bullied at work. I should have left sooner but I kept thinking I could make it better. My supervisor was not the main bully but she created drama and triangulation. The culture was her fault. She would come to me and ask me what was wrong and offer support (when we were 1:1) and say we would work it out. Nothing changed though. I was an emotional mess. It took me a year but I found another job and put in my notice. My new job is so much better: better hours, better pay, better benefits and I get to work with people who know how to act in a professional manner.

51. YazBApril 17,2022 at 3:25PM UTC

    If the. VP is able to apologize and be "nice" once it's just the two of you, then it can be done all the time...in public.

    Please stand up for yourself by letting her know she can leave her attitude, personal issues, and demeaning behavior at home!

    Quit when you're ready, don't ever allow someone to have power over YOUR decision!

    Forgive my harshness but as women, we take on AND allow too much to go on while we sit idle. No more! Put this VP in her place and tell her that when she goes through her 'mood changes', it affects you and your well being which is not okay.

    If she nor your boss are willing to change, that's when you hit the road!

52. AnonymousApril 17,2022 at 3:28PM UTC

    Sometimes it takes other people longer to see what you are saying is true. I’m guessing she apologizes because they spoke with her about it and she made excuses, playing on their sympathy. She also likely has manipulated the situation to make it sound like you are being melodramatic.

    If you are reacting calmly to her, then others will start noticing her behavior. Our office administrator has been a bully toward several individuals. People mentioned it to me, but it’s taken me about 6-9 months to really see it. At first, to an outsider, it seemed like people were exaggerating. Maybe your boss will start to see it more with a little time. It’s easy to be swayed by excuses and some bullies are really good at manipulating the situation.

    I think it’s a good idea to do what you need to prepare to find a new job and take advantage of any opportunity to strengthen skills. You may not want or need to leave, but it’s good to be ready in case it gets to be too much. I reached that point at one job and I was able to find a new job very quickly because I was prepared.

53. Lisa SanfilippoApril 17,2022 at 3:28PM UTC

    I was bullied at work in my first position. My employer ended up moving the bully to a different shift in another department so that we wouldn’t come in contact with one another. My advice is to keep written records of everything that happens and try to remember that you are competent in your job. Keep applying to other jobs because this woman is not going to change. Hopefully you’ll find a better position or these people will wise up.., so sorry you’re going through this. I remember how it feels. Keep this in mind: at least your self worth isn’t so low that you have to knock others down. Keep your chin up.

54. AnonymousApril 17,2022 at 3:29PM UTC

    i have been there and still there, so i understand this i feel for you, because i can see all you want to do is a good job, yet you feel unsupported. As a manager we get all the blame and none of the support, and the employees know it. So their "take" on things means more than we feel as managers. Its not easy to manage people and i am too get yelled at gaslighted, mistakes from 6 years ago thrown in my face. Everytime i talk to anyone people perceive it as an attack, god forbid i check and ask a question, they turn it into drama. What i learned that in the end the boss wins and if you have one person on your team not on your side people listen to their drama and perception of how they 'feel" . I love when i got to work and the girl that is causing my unhappiness is not there, its better for me to work alone than have her there with her constant personal drama affecting her ability to do her job and the constant pick up i have to fix her errors all day long. I wish i could give you better advice other than, you are not alone. I learned you cannot please everyone just do your job keep smiling and do the best you can and find another job because as much as you like it there and what you do, it will not get better unless you have what it takes to be rid of this person.

55. AnonymousApril 17,2022 at 3:45PM UTC

    Sounds like she is threatened by you/your work ethic/your work relationships and will do what she can to attempt to feel less threatened you…including trying to run over you. You don’t deserve this type of hostile work environment and the daily exposure to negative and jealous energy is already wearing on you and will start to affect your work. All women are not for other women. My advice, for your sanity and personal professional goals…. leave this company. Don’t wait it out. Its time to shift focus and take your skills/talents and drive elsewhere and somewhere with a more diverse staff. Start actively looking for opportunities at other companies or start your own. Make time for networking and interviews.

    In the meantime, call her out on her behavior when it occurs and stick to the facts. Limit your interactions to emails and work discussions only… this woman is not your friend or ally. No need to discuss the issue with your boss…remain pleasant and friendly but know that her uncharacteristic behavior is a clear sign that she is not going to address the problem and has likely built an alliance with the new VP b/c admitting to a bad hire would mean that she made a bad decision. So sorry you encountered a bully, but you can’t let a bully stop you. You can achieve your goals elsewhere.

56. AnonymousApril 17,2022 at 4:49PM UTC

    Winning is when you have a great job. The company wins when unhappy people work hard and produce great results. When a good employee no longer is a good fit there are no winners. One tactic might be to send email follow ups to the private apologetic conversations so you have documentation.

57. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 1:51PM UTC

    Living well is the best revenge!

58. Audrey KirschApril 17,2022 at 5:06PM UTC

    You are a director of a team. They look to you for leadership. When the VP belittles you in front of others, you have to call her on her behavior. Your team needs to see you stick up for yourself or they won’t trust you to be effective in leading them.

59. AnonymousApril 17,2022 at 5:28PM UTC

    Document, document, document. blind copy yourself any emails ....document any interactions.

    Keep a "work journal" Detailing as best you can.

    Then call an employment lawyer.

    Anyone saying that you are a "leader" and should suck it up and command respect… should never be giving any one advice.

    As someone who is at the tail end of this, I can give you real life advice. ... No job is worth your self respect.

    Start job hunting immediately.

60. Tiffany PittmanApril 17,2022 at 6:21PM UTC

    I wish you didn't have to deal with this. I do agree with many others and from my own experiences, leave for the sake of your health. This stressful situation will further damage your mental well-being, self -esteem, and physical health to where it could take longer to recuperate from or worse- create long lasting sickness and health conditions. What no longer serves us, must be let go of. Just like when we die, we don't take our jobs or even our bodies with us because they no longer serve us. They're not needed. So be good to yourself and walk away from this job on your own terms because it's no longer serving you on the most important level- your health. I think a behavior pattern has been set with both of your bosses that will not stop anytime soon. So make your exit plan. While you remain there, continue being professional and respectable, but get the courage to speak up & stand up for yourself when your boss talks down to you in public and private so your self-respect isn't diminished. You'll feel better about yourself especially when you've left. You could say something like , "I'd really appreciate it if you gave me constructive feedback in a respectful manner." The important thing is to find your voice and express it. It could be verbal or even silence like walking out of the room. Saying it with a smile can take the edge off too. I wish you much success!

61. Pauline SpitzerApril 17,2022 at 7:07PM UTC

    And don’t accept her apology. Tell her, when she apologizes in private, that you will accept her apology when her actions reflect the sincerity of her words.

62. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 1:48PM UTC

    Yes, there is collusion, so I don't see any hope for change in this situation.

63. AnonymousApril 17,2022 at 6:29PM UTC

    document thoroughly, look for a new job, and then share why you are leaving (with documentation) when you get a new job.

64. Lynda BoothApril 17,2022 at 6:48PM UTC

    Don't let her take your confidence away. You are good at your job. Leadership should set an example. You are a Leader of your team and should address any comments immediately. If she belittles you in front of everyone, say something like, "your comment is not in line with our culture and as leaders we need to be positive and professional. " Let the team know it is not acceptable. It sounds like she is not going to change but make it known you do not approve of the behavior. And keep looking for a new job!

65. Pauline SpitzerApril 17,2022 at 7:04PM UTC

    Thank you for writing about your experience. It seems that a lot of women have experienced this .. and we thought our school days were over! Find your peace. Whether it’s there and you can find a way to compartmentalize or find another company that allowing bullying isn’t part of their culture and isn’t tolerated by anyone. Just know … throughout everything day, every confrontation or anxious moment, that you have a group of women who empathize and have experienced similar circumstances. It’s awful and I hope knowing that it is a reflection of her character and has nothing to do with you but says a lot about her, brings you some comfort and strength. Take care of you

66. AnonymousApril 17,2022 at 7:06PM UTC

    Just from these comments - it’s pretty clear that there are toxic people at many (most?) work places. Several folks here offer very good suggestions. Be brave. Good luck.

67. Communication CoachApril 17,2022 at 7:26PM UTC

    Bullies attack in public and may apologize in private (if at all) The VP is quite sure you will not call her out in public - you should! usually personal issues should be kept private, but, in such a case bullies many times will back down when called out in front of others. Being confrontation may be very difficult for you, but, so is this situation. Giving her notice would be fair, but, with witness. Consider calling a meeting with your boss and the VP - you take charge - stating the reason for the meeting, not allowing interuptions (if that happens, saying you need to finish before questions) Start by saying how proud you are of the growth of the company and expansion of your team. Continue by saying you want to keep the culture professional and positive. In group meetings if personal issues or attacks start to be presented, you will have to respond with not accepting anyone being so exhausted to not maintain being professional and or kind, controlling their 'frame of mind' or medical issues. If one is so out of control they will need to take a personal day to regroup. Thank your boss and VP for their attention to this matter and leave the meeting. IF an attack starts to happen after this (get your big girl panties on - you can do this!) stand up at the beginning and ask if VP is exhausted of not feeling well and let's reschedule when we can all be positive. If she has personal issues to see you in the HR office. The VP is doing this to you (or anyone) because she is quite sure you will not stand up to her in public or retaliate. Usually bullies back right down when called out. If this does not remedy the situation, you can either accept this is the way it is or move on to another job. Lesson is if this ever happens in a new situation, stop the bully immediately and first time, interupting saying, "see me in private if you do not understand all the issues of the situation you are starting to describe - thanks".

    It's not an easy situation, be strong. My empathy to you!

68. AnonymousApril 17,2022 at 8:40PM UTC

    I feel for you. This VP is absolutely being a bully. I have found that the only thing you can do with a bully is to stand your ground, face them off, and even go on the counter-offensive. If you let her win, you will not only be letting yourself down, but also your team. You mention that above, and I'm sure you don't want this.

    Fight fire with fire. When she attacks you in public, call her out right then and there. Use her own words, such as "Oh, are you having another one of your exhausting mornings, or are you not in the right frame of mind, or is your cancer therapy getting to you again? I say this because your behavior right now isn't professional at all."

    Good luck to you. And don't give up!

69. AnonymousApril 17,2022 at 9:40PM UTC

    I agree with 90% of what you said but it would be insensitive and a low blow to mention the cancer therapy.

70. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 1:47PM UTC

    Fighting back makes you look like the bad guy, especially when the bully is a master suck-up.

    If this person feels secure enough in their job to behave badly in public, there's probably no way to "win" against them.

71. AnonymousApril 23,2022 at 5:11PM UTC

    completely agree. I’ve found this to be true time and time again

72. Dcre1977April 17,2022 at 9:43PM UTC

    Document every interaction, both private and public with dates and what was said in the presence of whom. You can keep a diary log book or email your self each interaction.

    You have already reached out to management, and nothing has changed. I would begin looking for a new position. Continue documenting in the mean time. You may need this if they try to fire you for "cause"..

    You can submit a complaint with your two week notice, or after you leave too. I did this and the primary manager was let go a few weeks after I left.

73. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 1:46PM UTC

    I left an impossible situation after complaining to my boss's supervisor about her nuttery. She was let go shortly after that.

    In my latest situation, the bullies have won and their jobs are secure.

74. Crystal HowellApril 17,2022 at 9:46PM UTC

    If you love your job stay, and fight the bully like in high school. When she belittles you, have a quick remark to make her feel incompetent in front of all. Titles my mother told me,are just that remove them and you have an insecure little girl acting like a bull. Egos are overdressed insecurities.

    You have human resources to write up a grievance, obviously its emotional abuse tactics. You must be doing your job well,she's threatened, turn the tables and watch her run as you have seniority and a team of 8 against 1. If she tries to demeanor you, you know the rules better than she to recite. You can check her credentials against your boss's on social media if they do know each other. You have HR, EEOC, employee hotline, you just might make them pay you for long term disability from undue stress or duress? Know your rights, fight back! Good Luck! Contact wrongful termination attorney or paralegal,then they will back off. Keep your job, you maybe the next VP.

75. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 1:45PM UTC

    In my experience, HR is useless. Their job is to protect management. The lower you are on the food chain, the more replaceable they consider you.

76. Crystal HowellApril 17,2022 at 9:51PM UTC

    Do you really know if she has treatments, bullies like their prey to feel sorry for them,then attack. Let your team know about her secret I'm sorry.

    I accepted your apology once in our meeting don't push it!

    Maybe she is bullied at home? Have a smile, go in your car and have a good scream.

77. AnonymousApril 17,2022 at 11:32PM UTC

    Scream method works

78. Cl WilliamsApril 17,2022 at 9:53PM UTC

    It is frustrating to work with people with bipolar mood swings. Unfortunately, those are the types of people who are terrorizing the work. I retired early because I've noticed that it is getting worse. Workplace bullies tend to enter management positions, so they can have domination and control of the workplace..

79. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 1:43PM UTC

    They are masters of kiss-up, kick-down workplace dynamics. If the workplace allows it to happen, it's a feature, not a bug.

80. Beth ScottApril 17,2022 at 10:52PM UTC

    The only way to effectively deal with a bully is to call them out publicly. Stick to facts, especially if she's said something about you that is untrue. You don't work for her & don't need to take her abuse.

81. Vanda LeeApril 17,2022 at 11:55PM UTC

    I haven't even read the comments.. but here's my immediate response...

    Call her out.. in a professional manner in the mindst of the group.. she's turning this into a he said she said situation and your boss doesn't have enough balls to call her out on it, Document document document... cover your ass. Hang in there... there's one person causing the issue.. it's not a company culture. If she has a ligitimate health related issue it should be on file and addressed by HR. Sound's like her behavior was discussed and she brought this up as an excuse... is it on file at HR? otherwise it's an excuse to prevent termination.

82. Kelly Adams McCann, BSN, RN, CHPNApril 18,2022 at 1:07AM UTC

    My vote would be to leave. You deserve better and it sounds like you have skills that will translate well to another environment. Establish yourself in a new environment, with healthy boundaries. You deserve to be be happy and respected. Start shopping your resume around, find a good recruiter. You have a job, you can leave on your own terms and just the act of putting your resume out there will make you feel like you are doing something. Good luck!!

83. Daniela RomanApril 18,2022 at 12:58PM UTC

    The problem ends up following us. It will happen in the new place as well.

84. Amy Carissa OliverApril 18,2022 at 8:16AM UTC

    Hi, this happened to me in a very similar way. A person with a lot of power who wasn’t my supervisor targeted me. I eventually left, not because I “couldn’t take it” but because I didn’t want to take it anymore.

    Bullies are always genuinely nice and helpful to basically everyone they’re not targeting. It’s how they get people on their side and how they justify themselves, “I have no idea what she’s talking about!” Or they get people to think it’s you because you’re the only person it happens to.

    If I could go back and do this again, I would have called out my bully. This is called taking back your power and it’s important to do it for you and for them. And I would do it in the moment, “I don’t appreciate the way you are talking to me,” “the way you are speaking to me is very unprofessional and it needs to stop.” And I mean in public. Then in the private meetings, “The way you treat me in front of the team is unprofessional and it will not happen anymore. What you are going through personally or professionally does not give you any room to bully others at work.” And if it’s legal in your state, record that conversation; record them all.

    Bring your boss if you need to but make it clear to your boss that this behavior is going to stop with or without them.

    I also want to address something with you. The bully only wins if you continue to take the abuse and do nothing. Leaving your job because it’s become an unhealthy environment is YOU WINNING. Leaving is a way of taking back your power.

    I let myself be bullied for two years. I reached out to HR, I reached out to the ombudsman. Nobody helped me. And I worked at a huge organization where you’d expect that they’d have the wherewithal to deal with it. We even had a team dedicated to bullying and they didn’t do anything! So for two years this person chipped away at me, wore me down, made me hate my job. It started to impact my personal life: sleep, eating habits, relationships.

    I am telling you this because your bully wins when they take your joy away from you. Your bully is doing that to you. You’re not obligated to go through this on behalf of anyone, least of all the organization. Your company will never be as loyal to you as you are being by sticking with them when they won’t stick up for you.

    Both options are good: confront the bully or leave. Or both!

    You have value as an employee. You have value as a person. To be seen for that value by others and by your organization you have to first see it for yourself.

    It is okay to not have the energy to fight back. It really is. So if you don’t want to call her out, don’t. But do consider quitting.

    It has been just over a year for me, and I’m feeling much better. I’m much happier, healthier, and not worried at work. So just think of you first.

85. Janet ScrymgeourApril 18,2022 at 9:44AM UTC

    A meeting with the VP and manager - "Discuss business growth and communications going forward"

    Dialogue along these lines:

    "This won't take long,… with the team growing rapidly it is important the more senior staff model professional and positive behaviour towards team members and each other.

    There have been a number of times in previous months where negative feedback has been made in group situations. I've not responded because I haven't wanted you [VP] to look unprofessional or for things to escalate into a 'he said, she said'.

    Staff are getting the message that, one, you don't respect me, two, that if they stick their head up they may be on the receiving end too - both are bad for morale and turnover.

    I know you've apologised in private, explaining that you're tired and unwell - we all have bad days and that is why in future you should give negative feedback 1:1 so I can provide you with details you're often unaware of.

    This will keep the workplace culture more positive and get the best out of me.

    If the VP starts arguing - "I have accepted your apologies, this is about how we act going forward - I don't want staff thinking it is ok to treat each like this.

    Be ready with a couple of examples - how the manager handled it, and what they would have found out if they had the decency to discuss it with you.

    If they interrupt or ask questions, "this is a difficult discussion, I don't have much to say, and will answer once I am finished."

    If it happens again in public - just put your hand up and say "That's incorrect, you seem to be missing some facts, I will walk you through it in private".

    The less you say the better. Even if you only say half of this you'll be doing great.

    I hope it helps.

86. Bradford McCormickApril 18,2022 at 11:04AM UTC

    " mini tantrums about decisions that didn't go her way" Where I worked there was once white female 1st line manager who called one of her reports into her office, solidly closed the solid wood door and I could hear her SCREAMing at that person in my cubicle maybe 20 feet away, screaming for 5 minutes or so. I thought: If this person did something that bad why had security already escorted them out of the building never to return? She did it a second time but on the telephone sometime later. Fortunately said manager eventually left the company.

    Why feel bad about yourself about a bad actor in line and above you "winning"? They're a loser (in life) with power. Remember Lot's wife in the Bible. Unless hanging around for a while offers you the hope of the bad person(s) going away, then isn't the handwriting on the wall, or rather in this person's words and acts? Bad people do not generally get better with age, but they do sometimes get promoted.

87. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 1:39PM UTC

    Check out the site & videos of the Workplace Bullying Institute.

    It's a common thing for a change at the top (or near the top) to result in changes to the way individual contributors are treated. It happened to me, and in the end, I was let go after dishonest performance evaluations.

    Your bully is literally worth more to the top people than you are (in terms of dollars), so prepare an exit strategy, invest time in relationships outside of work, keep your head down, document everything, and consider therapy or medication. At the end I was on three psychiatric medicines & seeing a therapist weekly. My treatment goal at the time was basically just to stop making suicide plans, stop crying, and be able to function throughout the day. It's been seven months since I left, and I have nightmares & can't think about job interviews without starting down a rumination rabbit hole about why my old job was terrible.

    Also, if you are the only person of color in your organization, check with a lawyer to see how you can document everything in case you have an EEO case. In some states, you can record others without their permission as long as you are in the room (one-party consent).

    I feel your pain. You need to move on, and it sucks. Life is sometimes just not fair.

88. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 1:43PM UTC

    I've been an Executive Coach for a number of decades and am also a woman of color. I've experienced and seen this type of behavior far too many times. This woman is a shark and in you, she smells blood. She gets off on putting you down and feeling superior. Back her up! And do it in the moment. You must go into meetings with her prepared to ask adult (unemotional) questions. When she puts you down in public, you can ask: can you give me more information about..., are you aware of your tone toward me at the moment, help me understand...., say more about... She will have to get off her high horse and think to respond to you. This deflects the attack and allows you to remain professional and emotinally protected. It takes time and practice but she will find someone else to take out her insecurities. Do not hand over to this bully or any bully your power.

89. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 11:36PM UTC

    EXCELLENT suggestions. It also helps build evidence of her bad behavior and shows that the OP has shown competency in her work product while being an exceptional employee.

    You must make a bunch of money! =) Thanks for sharing here for free. I hope you have your VIP wings.

90. Beth ScottApril 22,2022 at 6:53PM UTC

    LOVE this!!

91. Brenda CrawshawApril 18,2022 at 1:44PM UTC

    I agree with all the feedback that says standing up to her mistreatment of you - and anyone else - is necessary. I would say, though, that the WAY you do this can instantly change the dynamic in your favor.

    This may be difficult to do because A) you are already stinging and B) you sound like a very sweet person so this many not come naturally to you. (I can say this because I was in this same position with a world-renowned physician who was also world- renowned for being a total asshat. And I tamed him with this approach, at least in how he dealt with me and my department for whom I was responsible.)

    The next time this happens, completely and entirely wipe your emotions from your face, your tone, your posture - everything. Turn into a robot. Look her in the eye and very very calmly but NOT sympathetically ask "Do you need a moment to collect yourself?"

    Usually one of two things happen - she will rage at which point you can say "I do not believe a conversation right now will be productive. I am going to remove myself to give you time to compose yourself and when you believe it is possible for us to solve this issue together, please let me know and I will immediately respond." Then very calmly and slowly, without a hint of any emotion at all - even a good one! - leave the area.

    The other reaction you may get is her asking you "Why would I need to collect myself". You simply respond "I believe we will be able to have a more productive conversation when you have had a moment to manage what seems to a be a difficult moment." Again, ZERO emotion.

    It is SO SO hard to be that "robot" but OMG does it work! Bullies and highly reactive people act the way they do because the reactions of the people around them give them satisfaction. Depriving them of this takes ALL the oxygen out of their fire and now they either move on to someone else or, even better, have to turn it inward which NEVER works out for them.

    The bonus advantage to this tactic is that at some point in time someone who CAN control her behavior will see you in action and will not only see what SHE is doing but YOUR actions will be above reproach AND focused on addressing the common interest - the work - and you will be instantly perceived as a saint!

    You've got this - let us know how things go!

92. Ivanise GomesApril 18,2022 at 2:19PM UTC

    I 100% agree with this comment / suggestion. When you keep your cool and ask objective questions during an irrational argument, the other side is forced to THINK, which sometimes stops the issue. If not, you will be perceived as the rational part of the discussion, which is good. Worst case scenario, you will get trained to respond to difficult people, which is a very valuable skill.

93. Seema Mahajan SabharwalApril 18,2022 at 3:13PM UTC

    In simple words, stay calm!

94. Shelby CApril 18,2022 at 11:32PM UTC

    I love your approach and while I think it was AWESOME for you, I do not think it will work in such a small environment. Physicians can be pretty easily managed. They are usually so overwhelmed by emotions that they need to be taught social mores which is what you did. Kudos to you for essentially managing your manager, but people become Doctors for very different reasons and the industry's external factors are quite different. Being a HCP is an experience unlike anything except maybe police work. Lol!

    I only had one Physician at my hospital that thought his knife came with a sword. It was amazing how quickly it all crumbled when his aunt ended up in his/our hospital during a holiday visit and decided she hated the entire staff except me and I taught them how to treat a sick doctor. She put him through medical school and was his idle. ;) She was one of the coolest patients I ever had.

95. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 1:50PM UTC

    And the fact that it was done in public doesn't mean witnesses will back up any of the claims. They don't want to be the next target.

96. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 2:11PM UTC

    I disagree with the self-reflection part of your response. Targets of bullying are never to blame! They are often targeted because they have the confidence and competence that the bully lacks. If they are an "easy" target, it's due to a culture that permits bullying, not due to anything on the part of the target.

97. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 2:24PM UTC

    You will always be walked on, undervalued and disrespected when you don't stand your ground, know who you are and advocate for yourself proudly.

    It's human nature of survival of tge fittest. Just because it's in a professional environment doesn't mean that you set aside basic survival techniques and lead by example.

98. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 3:46PM UTC

    I went through being bullied and harassed due to being disabled at my last employer based job. It got so bad that I went and talked to my dad about who told me to call his attorney, since what my employer was doing was illegal, after all my dad would know as he was self-employed as a general contractor and had to know what to do if someone came to him with this kind of complaint and what would happen to him and his business if he didn't do anything about it when it was brought to his attention. I told his attorney what happened and he helped me through the process for free, which included filing a complaint with the EEOC. I was wrongfully terminated due to being disabled, and since I had everything written down that had happened to me including dates and times, and never kept anything that I needed to write down on my person (I kept a notebook at home that I wrote everything down in). I used all of it against them when they wrongfully terminated me due to being disabled, and was able to get unemployment (which they tried to deny me, because they tried to claim I was fired for gross misconduct which was untrue). My former employer only claimed that after they received my EEOC complaint, eventually I settled out of court with my former employer. I took the money I received from my settlement and started my own small business, and I'm much happier now, too. Don't let them win by forcing you out. Report them to the EEOC, which will help protect others that may not be strong enough to report them.

99. Faith SaundersApril 18,2022 at 3:50PM UTC

    There is not much that I can add to what has been said except - we teach people how to treat us. It is time to retrain your co-worker(s).

    I am confident you can do it. Know that it will be scary but will be worth it simply because you set boundaries.

    Step into your new self! :-)

100. KileyApril 19,2022 at 12:05PM UTC

     Agree 100%. People will get away with whatever we allow them to. Set your boundaries and take back your power. Initially, it may feel uncomfortable, but stick at it........practice makes perfect!

101. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 3:57PM UTC

     Why have we not gotten HR involved yet? I feel like that would have the correct step months ago.

102. Tina AdamsApril 18,2022 at 5:17PM UTC

     I am guessing there is no real HR. She said a small consulting firm.

103. Shelly NixonApril 18,2022 at 7:48PM UTC

     HR took the side of my supervisor who was clearly bullying me. Many people have zero luck involving HR.

104. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 10:45PM UTC

     HR made things worse for me. Said my bully did nothing wrong (even though he threw things at me among other things).

105. AnonymousApril 19,2022 at 2:30PM UTC

     HR is on the side of the company. Unless one is unionised I'd suggest not to have them involved other than salary or benefits discrepancies.

106. Juanita JamesApril 23,2022 at 10:34PM UTC

     HR is for the protection of the company and not the staff

107. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 5:24PM UTC

     I'm sorry that this is your experience. I have had this happen and it so stressful. You can put boundaries in place so that you are not attacked privately and publicly. Share with your boss that you are going to do it and then ask for the support you need.

     Can we talk about wanting to help create a path for others? Recognize that you owe it to yourself to take care of you first when it comes to unhealthy environments. In this case, setting boundaries may create a safer space for people who come after you.

108. Karen GongawareApril 18,2022 at 6:02PM UTC

     She starts, walk away and state you will talk to her when you are ready. She insults just smile and slowly shake your head and walk away. Zero reaction. Zero emotions. You are in charge of you. No one can make you feel anyway unless you let them. In the grand scheme of life, not everyone will like or respect you. Smile shake your head, shrug your shoulders, look at her with pity, and walk away. She's a bullying drama queen. blech.

109. Shelby CApril 18,2022 at 11:22PM UTC

     Grey rock works sometimes, but it is MUCH deeper.

     I am not sure I have the right to say this; however, I have interviewed and worked with a lot of POC. I am blessed to have a lot of friends that are POC. It is a far different experience for a black woman in the work world.

     They work over twice as hard as white women for half the pay and recognition, but they have twice the education. If I didn't see the offers from dozens of companies come across my desk, clearly with a racial color divide, I would not have believed that there was still such a large disparity for black women.

     Most of America likes to hire young, blonde, thin, beautiful cis-gender white women or white men 23-40.

     Black women are also often dismissed and told they overreact. They are told they are too emotional while white women are praised for being passionate and men are motivated.

     It is deeper than mean girl BS.

110. KileyApril 19,2022 at 10:44AM UTC

     Spot on.

111. Juanita JamesApril 23,2022 at 10:32PM UTC

     yes, I agree but also state that she will not speak to you in that tone or matter.

112. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 9:54PM UTC

     Hostile work environment.

113. Shelby CApril 18,2022 at 11:12PM UTC

     I have cancer. It hasn't ever made me mean. This is my second time with it. We are going on five years together now. It didn't make my dad or grandparents mean either. My mom's tumors haven't made her meaner than usual. ;) That is what we call "playing the victim card." It is the reason I only told two people I had it in college and my family still doesn't know now. Real survivors don't want your sympathy or empathy. They do not want to be treated differently. They are thankful for a "normal" life.

     This is your President's fault. The blame and legal liability fall with her. She should not have had to ask or check with you when you were crying. There should be an ongoing dialogue. She should notice a shift in culture and unacceptable behaviors. She should have protected you. Even if the VP left tomorrow, you would still have the problem because you have inferior leadership who does not really value you. She has shown that through her actions.

     I am sorry. I am sure you deserve better. You sound like the type of person that I would've loved to have had on my team.

     I cannot tell you what to do; however, as someone that used to run HR and can't stand mean girls, I can tell you what I would do:

     1) HIRE AN ATTORNEY. This is the exact definition of a hostile work environment.

     2) Stay if you can. It is difficult to win a battle from the outside.

     3) Document everything. I prefer to send everything from one private email account to another on a non-company owned device. Then, you know they cannot track it and there are not key loggers. (Some of y'all think I am paranoid, but you wouldn't believe the extent some large [and small] companies I have worked for/with go to to track employees.) Even if it is questionable, write it down. It is up to you to decide what makes a reasonable person feels uncomfortable; however, if there are other things that set off alarms record them as well.

     4) If you are in a one-party consent state, start recording those meetings. If you aren't, put your phone out, set it to record and say, "I will be recording today's meeting." If anyone asks why, it is for notetaking purposes. This is true, but not for the company - about it and its employees' behaviors. Do NOT record phone calls that cross state lines because then you break federal law. You will need to check each state's laws to see what is allowed.

     5) Know your legal and CIVIL rights. You may be the new Owner and President of the company. Nothing would make me happier.

     The excerpt below is from the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (eeoc.gov) on Workplace Harassment.

     Harassment is a form of employment discrimination that violates Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964, the Age Discrimination in Employment Act of 1967, (ADEA), and the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990, (ADA).

     Harassment is unwelcome conduct that is based on race, color, religion, sex (including sexual orientation, gender identity, or pregnancy), national origin, older age (beginning at age 40), disability, or genetic information (including family medical history). Harassment becomes unlawful where 1) enduring the offensive conduct becomes a condition of continued employment, or 2) the conduct is severe or pervasive enough to create a work environment that a reasonable person would consider intimidating, hostile, or abusive. Anti-discrimination laws also prohibit harassment against individuals in retaliation for filing a discrimination charge, testifying, or participating in any way in an investigation, proceeding, or lawsuit under these laws; or opposing employment practices that they reasonably believe discriminate against individuals, in violation of these laws.

     Petty slights, annoyances, and isolated incidents (unless extremely serious) will not rise to the level of illegality. To be unlawful, the conduct must create a work environment that would be intimidating, hostile, or offensive to reasonable people.

     Offensive conduct may include, but is not limited to, offensive jokes, slurs, epithets or name calling, physical assaults or threats, intimidation, ridicule or mockery, insults or put-downs, offensive objects or pictures, and interference with work performance. Harassment can occur in a variety of circumstances, including, but not limited to, the following:

     The harasser can be the victim's supervisor, a supervisor in another area, an agent of the employer, a co-worker, or a non-employee.

     The victim does not have to be the person harassed, but can be anyone affected by the offensive conduct.

     Unlawful harassment may occur without economic injury to, or discharge of, the victim.

     Prevention is the best tool to eliminate harassment in the workplace. Employers are encouraged to take appropriate steps to prevent and correct unlawful harassment. They should clearly communicate to employees that unwelcome harassing conduct will not be tolerated. They can do this by establishing an effective complaint or grievance process, providing anti-harassment training to their managers and employees, and taking immediate and appropriate action when an employee complains. Employers should strive to create an environment in which employees feel free to raise concerns and are confident that those concerns will be addressed.

     Employees are encouraged to inform the harasser directly that the conduct is unwelcome and must stop. Employees should also report harassment to management at an early stage to prevent its escalation.

     Employer Liability for Harassment

     The employer is automatically liable for harassment by a supervisor that results in a negative employment action such as termination, failure to promote or hire, and loss of wages. If the supervisor's harassment results in a hostile work environment, the employer can avoid liability only if it can prove that: 1) it reasonably tried to prevent and promptly correct the harassing behavior; and 2) the employee unreasonably failed to take advantage of any preventive or corrective opportunities provided by the employer.

     The employer will be liable for harassment by non-supervisory employees or non-employees over whom it has control (e.g., independent contractors or customers on the premises), if it knew, or should have known about the harassment and failed to take prompt and appropriate corrective action.

     When investigating allegations of harassment, the EEOC looks at the entire record: including the nature of the conduct, and the context in which the alleged incidents occurred. A determination of whether harassment is severe or pervasive enough to be illegal is made on a case-by-case basis.

     If you believe that the harassment you are experiencing or witnessing is of a specifically sexual nature, you may want to see EEOC's information on sexual harassment.

114. AnonymousApril 19,2022 at 12:35AM UTC

     Now that you KNOW WHAT TO DO, do it. Follow through.

115. AnonymousApril 19,2022 at 1:09AM UTC

     When I read your story, I finally felt less alone.
     I’m so sorry for what your going through. I’m going through something very similar except I’m not a boss but a mature age graduate. I’ve also worked my ass of to create a second career never in the 20 years in my previous career have I experienced such behavior from a female co-worker and such indifference from HR and such a toxic work culture. When I took my concerns to HR I was accused of creating division in the team and now I’m being forced out. This is a career ender in this state when work in my field is limited at best. I know I’ll have to quit. My mental health can’t take any more. But to find more work I’ll have to uproot my family and move to a larger city. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you find a new position soon where your skills and talents are appreciated and without the drama.

116. GermFreeWriter63!April 19,2022 at 3:29AM UTC

     To Anonymous,

     FOLLOW SHELBY'S ADVICE! She sums it up accurately, beautifully, and with specific steps.

     As a cancer survivor with long-term affects from the chemo and radiation I received for my protocol, I NEVER whined, complained or was nasty during my protocol or after or when I was frustrated with doctors when I sought medical attention for such long-term outcomes as neuropathy. Your VP is manipulating you and setting you up to be the "unsympathetic" player and therefore not a member of the team. DO NOT BUY INTO HER GAMES!

     DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT! That begins with Shelby's advice to record your meetings with the VP. IF she says she is not comfortable with that, calmly state you are uncomfortable not recording since your are there to ensure accuracy for your action plans.

     Please do not let this person set you up as the fall person. I would also strongly urge you to consider seeing a licensed therapist who will guide you through what to do when you are triggered by this and future people in your professional and personal lives. This will not be the first time you encounter a person who meets the profile of the classic manipulator-victim-narccissit.

     Good luck and best wishes to you. Stay calm, document, and know you are not the offender!

117. Viwe Vee NtandaneApril 19,2022 at 7:40AM UTC

     God say's be still and know that I am God. Start praying like you've never prayed before. Ask God to fight for you. And the best way to put the bully down is always WIN. Giving up is not an option, lose this fight knowing you have given it your all. And remember women like you are very rare, find that strength that has turned into weakness and put this bully down. I believe in you, go and get her. You already won you just don't know it yet.

118. AnonymousApril 19,2022 at 6:35PM UTC

     What a load of tosh - this person needs help and support not being told to pray and hope it comes right. She needs to get help to fight this not hope that 'God' will do right.

119. AnonymousApril 19,2022 at 10:06PM UTC

     Not a load of tosh.
     Praying to God for guidance IS wisdom. The fool only sees foolishness in God's wisdom. 1 Corinthians 1;18-25

120. AnonymousApril 22,2022 at 10:22PM UTC

     This post is not helpful.

121. AnonymousApril 19,2022 at 11:52AM UTC

     I can’t tell you what you should do. But I can tell you what happened to me and where I went wrong after I started to be bullied. I was verbally and emotionally abused. I didn’t even know what gaslighting was before this manager came along. He called me names and made fun of me for being deaf and blonde. He, or one of his minions, constantly reached out to me after inventing a “communication problem” that I suddenly had, simply to disturb me. I am a programmer and he knew I couldn’t get work done if not left alone for a few hours a day. I had to work 8 hours again when I got home. I stopped sleeping altogether and started throwing up every morning when I got to work. Then I started picking my own flesh off. I would be a bloody, crying mess at my desk. Exhausted and abused and he enjoyed it.

     I started documenting and forwarding emails and texts to my spouse who also worked there. He created a second copy of my email account so he could send and receive my emails and he had someone delete his derogatory emails and texts. Then he threatened to have my spouse fired. I printed about 400 pages worth of proof. Then he promoted and transferred a woman after she hacked into my personal laptop to steal my HR documentation that they had asked for. HR told him I had filed a complaint!

     I was on every anti-anxiety and anti-depression med that you can think of and my migraines grew worse. I was an emotional wreck and completely unable to focus on my tasks. He even deleted my network drive about once a week so I couldn’t remotely connect and I had to have my pc rebuilt. He blamed me for it and told me it was because I wanted an excuse to miss deadlines.

     Eventually, I had a TIA- a mini stroke. I fell flat on my face, broke my nose and my glasses and had a fat lip. I suffered from a severe concussion and lost 4 days of my life that I will never get back. For the concussion, they fired me for unprofessional behavior. I still have scars all over my body, but the emotional and psychological scars run much deeper .

     Don’t trust HR or your boss. Do what is best for your mental and physical health. They won’t give you a second thought if you leave. So please don’t waste your health on people like this. I wish you all the best.

122. Madeline M.April 19,2022 at 12:31PM UTC

     Bounce. Take your power back and get a better job. Show them that you’re not willing to work under that type of environment honor yourself and life is too short to be spending time at a job that makes you miserable it’s not worth your mental health and your happiness and your peace of mind. Good Luck!

123. AnonymousApril 19,2022 at 12:59PM UTC

     This situation sounds incredibly toxic. If you've come this far, you can certainly continue to climb the ladder elsewhere. Nothing is worth this kind of mental and emotional anguish.

     Who knows, maybe your team will also be inspired to seek out better opportunities if you move onto greener pastures.

124. AnonymousApril 19,2022 at 1:04PM UTC

     Have you thought of going through cognitive distortions, and letting go of emotional reasoning.

125. AnonymousApril 19,2022 at 1:22PM UTC

     Let the VP problems be the VP problems. Don't absorb them. If she is rude to you, that's on her, not on you. You seem to be allowing her ways effect you and that's the wrong thing to do. Others see it, they too are treated to the same and the VP is showing what she is all about. Its your choice to either be a victim or deflect it.

     No one is going to run to your defense, and it really doesn't matter, unless you make it matter.

     Let it go. Its her problem, not yours.

126. BeaBoss645203April 19,2022 at 2:01PM UTC

     First let me say I am sorry you are going through this. I have been bullied and sabotaged at my job before the one I have now. I can tell you though, please keep looking and do it until you find another job. Please don't worry about bringing other women of color with you. Secure other employment for yourself, because ultimately you will probably be let go. It happens and going to your boss over every issue and getting emotional is just going to make it worse for you in their eyes. Frankly, unless you can survive on unemployment compensation for a while, just concentrate on getting another job. You will feel relieved when this happens. It sounds like they are already thinking about what action to take with you. if at all possible, just don't stay long enough to let it happen. Best of luck

127. AnonymousApril 19,2022 at 6:30PM UTC

     One thing you might consider is stopping her in her tracks when she begins speaking to you in a disrespectful, unprofessional and condescending manner. Say something like “I’m going to stop you right there. I will not be spoken to in the disrespectful, unprofessional and condescending manner in which you are currently speaking to me. I will be willing to resume this conversation/meeting once you you are prepared to speak to me with respect.” If you do that enough times, maybe it will make her realize that you will not be bullied. Stand up for yourself. Record the conversations is you have to (in case she retaliates against you by complaining to your boss that you are being difficult to work with.) This is what I did when a coworker was treating me poorly and interestingly enough she completely changed her behavior towards me.

128. AnonymousApril 19,2022 at 7:53PM UTC

     Since she says this happens in public settings, I will say if I were an employee and two higher ups had this exchange in front of me, not only would I feel extremely uncomfortable, I would question their leadership abilities for sparring out in the open. While I'm sure the entire team understands conflict between these 2 exist, the drama and tongue wagging from this kind of confrontation in public might do more harm than good.

129. AmyApril 21,2022 at 7:14PM UTC

     In some ways, I agree with what you are saying. On the other hand, I would like to see someone stop another person from disrespecting/harassing them in public.

     Perhaps there is a way to shut down the conversation without going deep. Like one sentence, then leave.

     I don't think anyone should deal with bad behavior from a co-worker just because others are around.

130. Tiffany ClarkApril 20,2022 at 12:54PM UTC

     I have gone through this twice with two companies I worked with before.

     So I understand how you feel. When something like this happens, start documenting what happened. Documentation is proof in case they tried to retaliate against you. Start recording if you have to. In my state in Illinois it is illegal to record, but I used those recordings for my records to write my documentation out. Let them know in a professional way that you will not be disrespected. Stand up for yourself.
     Many companies look at black women as being idfficult anyway when you stand up for yourself. But to be sure they don't have the upper hand, you make sure you have proof with how they are treating you. With me I sued both companies. First time was with Walgreens. I broke down a couple times too. the environment was very toxic where i was constanly harassed, put on a Pip plan and another worker who was white didn't get the same treatment. So it's harassment, and discrimination. I recorded everything and let them know that I was documentating everything that was happening to me. They got scared when i told them What they were doing was wrong And I will sue them for harassment and discrimination. I eventually had to go to EEOC on them. I started going over their head and went to EEOC and hired a lawyer when they fired me. Other black workers saw how i was being treated but was too scared to speak up. The others quit. The second company I sued it was based on another black employee. she too was harassing me. My supervisor immediately took her side when i came to him. when i saw he didn't do nothing i went over his head and that's when the retalitation started. so I sued. But when i sued he ended up being fired. For me I'm the type to go after companies that don't treat me right legally. They know they are wrong.
     I will never quit because thats what they want you do. I would not quit until find another job. But until then I say keep a paper trail of what's been going on. Thats the only thing you can do. Quitting only makes it look like they won. These companies do what think they can to us becausethey know they can get away with it when we quit. you deserve to be in a non toxic environment and the things she's doing is wrong. No one should be treated that way. I agree is not worth your mental to health to go through that but you also don't let them get away with it either. Ruin them legally. No company wants a bed rep.

131. Juanita JamesApril 23,2022 at 10:23PM UTC

     good for you

132. AnonymousApril 21,2022 at 9:42AM UTC

     Thank you for speaking your truth. I could have written this post. This is me.

133. Juanita JamesApril 23,2022 at 10:21PM UTC

     I totally understand where you are coming from and sorry you are going through this. No one should feel miserable coming to work everyday. Currently, I'm in a similar situation as you. I have a immediate supervisor who tends to show favoritism towards the staff who don't question her whether it bad or good--they go along with everything she do and say. I question her behavior, respectfully, when she start bullying others--so you know I'm not a favorite person. I have a small team as well buthave one on the team who is constantly undermines my authority by running to my immediate supervisor to overrule what directive I give her. My immediate supervisor She makes it a point to show the staff that I have no authority whatsoever on the team. I'm very frustrated about this situation. I spoke to her boss and feel like she is stringing me along with no recourse in sight. I'm looking for options as well.

134. AnonymousApril 24,2022 at 3:59PM UTC

     First of all, I am so incredibly sorry that you are in this situation.

     As I read your description it reminds me of the most toxic situation I have been in, and I felt so similar to you.

     I am a woman in a male-dominated industry. I have seen a lot. I've been bullied and sexually harassed several times and faced a lot of both conscious and unconscious bias. So I, sadly, am familiar with having to work my ass off and work twice or three times as hard as a man to still never get equal pay, respect or recognition.

     In my situation my boss was super toxic. He was straight up an extreme narcissist and constantly lied. He started making me feel uncomfortable when he would text me after hours, but nothing I could report since he never said anything overt. I still struggle to describe this experience to people, but when I constantly feel I need to mention my husband constantly and I even regularly lie and say u him that my husband is around when he's not, something bad is going on. Like you me and other employees experienced tantrums, gas-lighting, fits of rage, and then the later the "teddy bear". When all that wasn't enough he started writing me bad project reviews and taking credit for my work.

     Like you, his boss sensed something, pushed me to talk and I feel apart and shared things that as soon as the conversation was over I regretted. Because this boss also has been buddying up to the HR director. I contacted his boss and rescinded what I had said but that also made it worse because now the toxic boss started using that to say my challenges at home were affecting my work. Then he started telling all of the leadership that "no one can talk to me" trying to instantiate that I'm a problem and have communication issues. As well words like "tone" started showing up in reviews and reviews that were supposed to be completed over a year ago were suddenly sent to me, indicating I must sign agreeing that he had reviewed this with me and the statements were correct. They were all lies and he never spoke to me once about this.

     I felt exactly as you described, I felt silly that this was happening, that I didn't know how to handle it. I felt completely out of control. I was beyond exhausted. I also was terrified that all this hard work on my career was going to be destroyed by him and I would have to start over. But I couldn't seem to find a safe option and like you it sickened me too think I was just going to have to leave and he would win. I cringed at thinking about all the future women this man would use and abuse. And I stressed over what responsibility I have to women in this industry.

     But I left.

     And even once I provided my 2 week notice, he still tried to come after me. I won't go into ask that, but, this man still works there and continues to climb the corporate ladder. I said NOTHING in my exit interview for fear of retaliation. And that same day got a call from someone asking what I said in my (what's supposed to be private) exit interview.

     I tell you this long winded story to say, I sympathize with you and commiserate with you. But I do want to say, please don't feel guilty about leaving. That whole thing on a plane about "put your oxygen mask on first" is real. You are the only one that can decide to stay and fight or "lose this battle" and then hopefully make change somewhere else. In my case, you can see that my efforts wouldn't have changed anything they only would've hurt me.

     Are there people who will say I did the right thing? Yes. Are there people who will say I should've stayed and fought. Definitely! Do I think I made the right choice? Undoubtedly.

     Ultimately I am the only person who has to live with my decisions. And same for you. In my situation it was made clear that I was being gamed. And I didn't even really realize just how much it all affected me until after I left. Took me months to mentally recover.

     So I hope that you will not beat yourself up. It sounds to me like you've already made great strides and that it is inevitable that you will continue to do so in the future. I hope that you will find the clarity you need to make the best decision for yourself and that if you do leave you find a really amazing place that supports and lifts you up. Hang in there!

135. Pauline SpitzerApril 24,2022 at 7:23PM UTC

     My story was extremely similar. I almost feel like we worked at the same company. I just wanted to tell you that you aren’t alone and sharing your story helped me. There aren’t any labor laws about bullying in the workplace. Even if there were, it’s kind of like when you are in school. Unless the teacher sees something or the bullying is a physical fight, nothing gets done that helps the victim of bullying. Like you, I left. Took a long time to recover and get a job I could trust. The great thing was that I could pick up on the flags and signs so quickly that sometimes it happened in the interview or I would know the potential after the first day. It allowed me to get to the right company for me and to realize everyone has their own timeline and process to heal.