When one person isn't connecting with the rest of the team?

17 Comments

1. AnonymousDecember 9,2021 at 10:33PM UTC

   You never met in person. It is probably difficult to connect with people you've never met in real life. Imagine the nuance you would not have known about your job had you been 100% remote. Would your current team be so close? Years ago, I witnessed the in-office and remote folks have a completely different experience and this was pre covid. One thing that stuck out constantly was that they did not understand the actual dynamics of what was going on and knew less about the communication style and unspoken idiosyncracies of the company. This led to a lack of comradie among peers since the other was so apparent. They were more 'faceless' being remote. You would be amazed how much more is conveyed in one in person day at work... from meetings that have actual side conversations to understanding titles, hierarchy and values. Knowing your coworkers as a person is very important.

2. AnonymousDecember 9,2021 at 10:50PM UTC

   Highly emotional people who are highly reactive feel vulnerable and frightened most of the time. So they react sharply and defensively.

   I'm wondering if her defensive nature can be addressed specifically? Maybe in a 1 on 1?

3. AnonymousDecember 10,2021 at 12:48AM UTC

   Hmm, maybe I'm one of those defensive people, because if I was in an online meeting, with my team, and the following was said to me: "oh that was an interesting choice, what was your thought behind that?"

   It would be hard for me to not roll my eyes. Maybe this team member knows that saying "interesting choice" means, "why the hell did you do that weird thing?"

   It would come across to me as patronizing, especially in front of team members who already have voiced their displeasure with this team member.

   Try not to make this team member the psychological scapegoat. I would speak to her one and one. But, knowing me, had the "interesting choice" comment been directed to me, I might have retorted, "And your outfit is an interesting choice, what was the thought behind that?"

   You've also referred to her as weird, socially awkward, and quiet. To me, she's being set up to fail. Not nice.

4. AnonymousDecember 10,2021 at 1:19AM UTC

   Would you rather they say "why the hell did you do that?" Because... we're all human. We all make bad choices and do not so great work from time to time. It's really not that big of a deal when people don't like your stuff sometimes? To get offended by that simple reality that you won't please everyone all the time is indeed defensive and not called for in the workplace.

5. AnonymousDecember 10,2021 at 2:38PM UTC

   My point is, if the team member is intelligent she realized that "interesting choice" meant "why the hell did you do that?" Also, if, as the OP claimed, this team member is shy, defensive, then why point her out during a team meeting--with team members who clearly don't like her--to justify her "interesting choice?"

   As the OP states, it's a creative team. As part of the creative world, I can tell you that most of us run as right-brainers, which includes emotions, intensity, sensitivity. Some build a thick skin to not take things, personally. Others don't.

   In this scenario, it looks like the OP hired this woman based on her skills, etc., and because she's different, or behaving differently due to being nervous, being on Zoom or whatever, the OP is joining in on the "she's weird, we don't like her" trope from the rest of the team, instead of making it easier for this new team member to be a part of the team.

   Again, the OP already used words like "weird" etc. to describe the person SHE hired. It might be the wrong fit, at this point, but it sounds like the team member's work is fine, and this is all about group dynamics and finding an easy scapegoat to me.

6. AnonymousDecember 10,2021 at 3:09PM UTC

   Well said. I agree. It's like a high school popularity contest at this point...

7. K. FrayDecember 11,2021 at 3:13PM UTC

   From what I understand, you have a team that has already found ways to make remote work, work since March of 2020. That's a difficult culture shift by itself, let alone being the new person, where everyone already understands what "unsaid" terms mean. Remote work is transactional. Does not give a lot of time to get to know each other. I am sure your calls do not just jump into action and there is a pre-call banter, but is it intentional? What if everyone selected an ice breaker topic each time pre-call and made an intentional effort to engage.

   I personally would prefer if someone said "what the hell did you do that for", if I knew them/trusted their intentions and knew the ask was coming from a place of true concern and no malice intended. But, that has to be built in each time/each call.

8. Michelle HoffmanDecember 11,2021 at 3:14PM UTC

   One time I used the words By the Way not the acronym BTW in an 2nd email reply as I forgot to mention something that was critical. It was a group email reply. This was long before texting and acronyms were in vogue. One person took total offense at those words and went to my boss to complain. The reason I am saying this is each person has a different frame of reference and something innocent can be taken completely out of context. If one of my colleagues had sad "That is an interesting choice, what was your thought behind it" ( unless they had a truly snarky expression and tone of voice) I would take it as a teaching/exploring moment for all of us.

   It sounds like the employee was hired during the pandemic and has never met their colleagues in person. They never had the normal assimilation that a brick and mortar experience gives. We are all learning during these times. They have not been able to get to know their co-workers in the traditional sense and develop any real relationships with them at the water cooler/coffee pot, gone to lunch or just plain had a conversation outside of zoom meetings. I know they should be reaching out to initiate some of the "chit chat" but how do you do that - it seems awkward to schedule a 10 minute meeting for a get together.

   May I suggest that you have at least a weekly call of about 30 minutes for general "chit chat" Make each meeting a theme and known ahead of time. One meeting could be state your dream vacation you would love to take and one thing you would do. Another could be if you had time to do volunteer work - what would like to do? You do have to be careful to make sure all can be included in the discussion. If all but one has children and you talk about child rearing techniques that one person may be left out or worse not able to have children and this could further fuel the exclusion issue.

   I would also would take advantage of a class on effective communication for all of the employees. I would look at a class that is specifically designed for remote teams. I would continue to have your individual conversations and recommend a class on Giving and Receiving Constructive Feedback.

   Look to see if maybe there is a mentor in your company who could meet with the employee and help provide guidance. Caution - clearly define how a mentor/mentee relationship should work in order to make the most of it.

   Let the employee know you believe in them and would like to get them re-centered with the team but it is a two way street and they need to help in fostering a productive relationship and work environment. ( may sound harsh, but sometimes a person has to be hit over the head to get their attention).

   A good book to review for help in coaching someone who is new on the job or maybe going back to help them "fit in" is called The First 90 days by Michael D. Watkins. I believe it was last updated in 2013. There may be others that take into account remote working.

   I know this is quite long - so I hope you can find something in all of this that resonates with you and the situation.

9. Sue Gordon- retired Career CoachDecember 11,2021 at 3:53PM UTC

   This is a tough situation- unlike other commenters, I don't see this as a popularity contest. Nor do I find the "interesting choice" comment to inappropriate or another way of saying "Why the hell did you do that." Think how enlightening it might have been had she articulated her thinking rather than figuratively running away. Maybe the team would have learned and benefited had this employee answered what is, to me, a fair question.

   This is a sensitive employee who is not able to engage in professional discussions without getting flustered. She may lack confidence or have a personality that can't accept anything less than glowing feedback. From the post, it's clear the one example is representative of many times that this employee has bristled at any discussion and her teammates find it difficult to work with her.

   I don't think any of this is a "firing offense" unless you can document that work quality or output is suffering. Continue the one-on-one coaching with specifics -- "when you shut down when we asked how you came up with your idea, it was an opportunity lost to learn from you. I encourage you to share your thoughts"

   If she remains unable to accept feedback (which is what this sounds like), you may have to consider letting her go if it is truly holding back the team. Not getting along is not a reason to fire, but impeding productivity is. Make sure you document any negative impact.

   If your company has an Employee Assistance Program, you might refer her to it so she can get some support that might build her confidence and resilience.

   Good luck- as a manager, I know how hard a situation like this can be- you want what is best for the team, and the individuals on the team, and sometimes those are two different things :-(.

10. Madam anon663December 11,2021 at 5:59PM UTC

    I find the "interesting choice" comment rude and snarky, and certainly not something that would make me feel included and welcomed on the team. Put yourself in her shoes. She hasn't met them face to face, and is probably a bit nervous and scared about this change in our working life. Do you really expect every person to be earth shattering in their work? You sound like an awful person.

11. AnonymousDecember 14,2021 at 9:01PM UTC

    The comment "that was an interesting choice, what was your thought behind that?" could be either positive or negative, depending on how it was delivered. By contrast, "you sound like an awful person" is a terrible thing to say and immediately reveals who the awful person actually is.

12. Danielle SimonDecember 11,2021 at 6:06PM UTC

    I see other people have mentioned that she has never met the rest of the team as a possible factor. "Connecting" is kind of a vague term, first of all--it can mean a few different things when it's used. But I can tell you from experience that "connecting" is at least as much about wanting to connect. For me, it doesn't matter whether we've met or not--I have no interest in connecting with the "team" in the way it usually seems to be meant, which is socially, and that has definitely been a problem at past in-person jobs.

    So, with "connecting" being vague without being defined, I look at what you've written and conclude that the main issue is she's too sensitive and insecure, in a way that makes it difficult to work with her. You did not say whether talking to her has resulted in some changes in her reactions, but I would guess not if you're coming here for advice.

    You might want to schedule a 30-min, 45-min or even an hour-long meeting with her to really get her views on her experience working there so far, how she has perceived certain instances that have caused problems/her to shut down, etc, and see if there is any real validity to any of her points/perceptions. Ask her what her ideal work environment is like, how she prefers to receive feedback or be questioned, etc. Literally, this should be a meeting where you're picking her brain and learning more about where she's coming from as opposed to trying to tell her how she needs to act and then trying to force the rest of the team to "figure it out" with her. Maybe if she feels she's being heard, she will act better. And if you hear her, you might learn some things you all can do that you can handle.

    I know you can't ask her if she has any mental health issues, but I wonder about it and it'd be great if you guys got to talking enough where she divulges this. I think this could be beyond just a "personality" thing if she truly overreacts to everything and then doesn't speak--anxiety and paranoia come to mind, frankly. I get other people's point behind the "oh, that was interesting, what was your thought behind that" points they've made about it really being "why the hell did you do that." But it's not like that's the only time she has reacted poorly, and I doubt you're saying questionable things to her every single time.

    I also wonder how old she is and how much work experience she has. Like Susan said, she doesn't seem to know how to act in a professional environment.

13. AnonymousDecember 11,2021 at 6:43PM UTC

    You have been working fully remote for almost 2 years at this point. This new person has only been with the company a few months, so they have been working remotely and you haven’t had a face to face meeting yet. And a “meet” is not the same as a face to face meeting in person. If her work is generally good, cut her some slack. You may find when you meet her in person she is a lot different. I personally hate virtual meetings. If my work was all virtual and I had never met any of my colleagues in person they may have a completely different view of me. I’m sure I come off as abrupt and a little cold during a virtual meet. I think you are unfairly characterizing this person based on limited interaction!

14. AnonymousDecember 13,2021 at 2:53PM UTC

    It doesn't sound like limited interaction at all- virtual doesn't mean limited.

    I don't think this person would respond more positively to feedback if delivered in person. Yes, it may help to meet her in person, but sensitivity to feedback and resistance to coaching isn't about modality of meeting.

    For now, this work is being done remotely. If this person can't handle that, that is something the supervisor has to consider and perhaps the individual should find an in-person job if that is the issue (and I really don't think it is).

15. AnonymousDecember 12,2021 at 10:57PM UTC

    What was her disposition during the interview process? Was she calm, reserved, or very direct? I ask because I wonder if she had a bad experience at a former employer...workplace bullying. If so, she could be protecting herself from having another bad experience by having a wall up and being defensive. Also, some people like to keep their work-life and personal life separate so they are all business at work. Either way, I agree with Danielle and Susan. A meeting is a good opportunity to see where she is coming from. Try repeating back to her what she has said in response to your questions followed by, "Am I understanding you correctly?" That way she knows she is being heard and you have clarification. End the meeting by asking her if she needs anything from you or anything you can help her with. That will let her know that you care and the door is open.

    A far as meeting people in person, I don't see that as an issue. There are plenty of people who work remotely who bond with coworkers without meeting them in person.

16. AnonymousDecember 13,2021 at 6:02AM UTC

    You may want to ask (and don’t say disability) if she needs any additional support as a way to prompt a conversation about workplace accommodations or invisible disabilities. I’m extremely autistic and we define ourselves by our work. Loosing a job can actually be life threatening because we also just lost our identity. We tend to be equally defensive about anything we perceive as criticism at work. She sounds a lot like me before working with an autism job coach or when I’m having a really hard time. Especially since I can’t read the emotions of the other person. In person was a lot easier than on video chat so one of my job accommodations right now is that my team members state the intent or emotion behind something. Like “I am very stressed about getting this done on time and you just found a weird bug in the code. I’m really anxious about whether or not you can get this done.” Not saying your new team member is autistic for sure, but it sounds familiar.

    It’s also incredibly hard on our brains to do video calls. In person conversation is the least taxing on the brain, you can see everyone’s entire body, vocal tone, all the content so you have a lot more information. On a video chat it’s often just a head or shoulders up and you have to work to make up for the missing body language. Sometimes the calls get choppy and you get skips in dialogue or the audio gets compressed and sounds weird. You can see some of the reaction in the room if people have their video turned on, but again, it’s a limited view. Phone calls are the hardest because you only have voice to go off of, you loose facial expressions and the reactions of everyone else in the room. With the lower contextual input the employee is getting from video chats and only being on the team for a few months, they may just not know how to read the others yet. Setting up coffee chats with each person on the team might help in that case.

    Also, if the team is working in a male dominated field, like computer science, women tend to have to really speak up and defend their ideas. Despite people’s best intents, there is a very negative bias toward women in some of the science fields.

    Just keep in mind there are a lot of impediments to clearly understandable communication right now. People normally have miscommunications face to face so COVID has lowered the bar for those miscommunications to happen.

17. Sue Gordon- retired Career CoachDecember 13,2021 at 2:57PM UTC

    I agree- perhaps there is a disability involved. An appropriate question "Is there anything you need to make the work environment more productive/positive for you?" -- she might then opt to share if she needs any accommodation or at least understanding. And yes, do NOT ask if she has a disability. If she does, she's chosen not to disclose for a reason. Let her build trust and perhaps she will share.