So I’m wondering - what is it with HR bosses protecting workplace bullies?

Anonymous

May 23,2023 at 12:11AM UTC

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So I’m wondering - what is it with HR bosses protecting workplace bullies? I had someone at my job purposely tell the head of HR something where she had changed my words to make me look bad. I have no idea why, but it happened, and I got dragged into an embarrassing meeting with my boss and this head of HR. It wasn’t something that would result in a write-up, just annoying gossip which was clearly made up to make me look unprofessional. What I don’t understand is why they wouldn’t tell me the name of the gossip-spreader. I feel bullied, and there is no way I can defend myself without knowing the culprit for sure. Why, when it is not a whistleblowing situation, would the company defend the bully and not me? I’ve asked multiple people who have said that the exact same thing has happened to them in their jobs. Does anyone have any insight into why workplace bullies are protected, and ideas on how I can return to being a positive, happy person knowing there is a snake in my midst?

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Alice StokerMay 23,2023 at 12:26AM UTC
It might be to your benefit that they didn't tell you..... No way they could claim that you retaliated if you don't know.
AnonymousMay 23,2023 at 1:01AM UTC
Good point! I'm not the OP, but I have experience in dealing with this crap!!
George BuckleyMay 25,2023 at 1:14PM UTC
It leaves me with a bad feeling not to be able to confront and deal (fairly and reasonably) with your accuser.
AnonymousMay 23,2023 at 12:45AM UTC
They are not going to tell you the person's name because you could theoretically enact retribution.
Depending on how big your company and how involved HR is, they may not have known it was just gossip. They don't know you from Adam, they know nothing about your integrity level.
If you have a suspect, be careful what you say around that person. Act like this didn't bother you because you don't want them knowing that they have a way of getting to you. Bullies hate grey rocking.
AnonymousMay 23,2023 at 1:00AM UTC
In my experience, the bully has a way with management.
I've worked with people that are downright HATEFUL (one girl wished death on me because she simply didn't like me - knew me one week) and I was asked by management to lower my standards (work ethic) to give her an opportunity+ she wasn't in my department. They said I "owe her"
I hate this for you. Unfortunately, it gets to the point of trust no one and document everything
AnonymousMay 23,2023 at 2:46AM UTC
They seem to be protected for some odd reason.
AnonymousMay 24,2023 at 1:18PM UTC
HR is there to protect the company, not the employees. All they care about is making sure nothing is going on that can result in the company being sued.
AnonymousMay 24,2023 at 1:19PM UTC
Yes, the company is supporting the person you refer to as a Bully.
Your leadership feels you are creating a situation that exposes them to an unhealthy work environment. I would absolutely not keep asking for names and details. It might make you appear to be the bully. It's not professional in any way.
AnonymousMay 26,2023 at 4:24AM UTC
This sounds like a classic ‘blame the victim’ mentality.
AnonymousMay 24,2023 at 1:59PM UTC
Your HR department is not protecting the bully. They received a complaint about you and are conducting a confidential investigation. That means they will not disclose names to you just as they won’t disclose your information to others. It’s not their job to start a back and forth argument with you and the other person. If the investigation found that the complaint was unfounded, they circle back to the complaining employee to close out tue complaint and move on. If this person continues to provide false information about you or anyone else then that will come to light and that person will soon find their way out the door. It’s sucks that this happened to you and your coworker is such a jerk but that does not equate to HR protecting a bully. This is why HR gets a bad wrap. They did their job within what they can do to be professional. Now it’s your job to not seek retribution or conflict with the coworker but to continue working professionally and let the mudslinger doing themself out of a job.
AnonymousMay 24,2023 at 5:21PM UTC
I don't think they are defending the other person. When someone goes to HR with a complaint they will often bring you in to ask you about the commentary and see your reaction. These are generally done in confidence and then they will usually determine if the situation is defamatory enough to write you up or discipline you in some way. If you did nothing let it go. They are doing their jobs. As for the who, perhaps think about the folks you interact with and then think through who might be either professionally jealous of you or has something to gain by lying about your behavior. Then it should be easy to note who the culprit is and you can adjust how to interact with them accordingly. Don't let it fester, write a rebuttal to what was shared. Email it to HR and your manager clearly letting them know the untruth. BCC your personal email, then let it go.
AnonymousMay 24,2023 at 7:50PM UTC
It sounds like HR is protecting the company and its employees from you as a threat.
asmith13May 24,2023 at 9:07PM UTC
You say they wouldn't tell you who it was yet you say "she had changed my words to make me look bad". But if someone came forward with a concern, HR is not obligated to tell you who it came from. It could have also came anonymously, which happens quite often in HR. The bottom line is that if you didn't do anything wrong and there is no evidence proving anything-why do you look at this as protecting the person who went to HR?
Jennifer AndersonMay 25,2023 at 4:14PM UTC
As someone who is very analytical, this just bugs me on a personal level. I believe that I should be able to confront my accusor and work it out or if they are truly a mean person, be able to gather evidence to support myself. I'm very black and white that way.
As a parent of a young adult that deals with depression and anxiety, I have been told of events where she has felt bullied and when she tells the story, I can see why she feels this way. I don't think she SHOULD feel this way but she does. I am often 50/50 on what she heard versus what was said, not because I disbelieve her or think she is manipulating the situation but because she and I have had to work through some of these things and what she honestly heard is so not what I believe I said.
HR not telling you that it is both a service and a disservice. It allows someone who doesn't feel safe to get help and feel protected while doing so. It also allows those who would abuse the process to strike out and doesn't promote a meeting fo the minds and potential solutions to misunderstands.
In this area I feel sorry for HR as they are truly stuck in the middle.
AnonymousMay 28,2023 at 5:55PM UTC
Similar situation at my job. It showed up on my review which was horrific. I knew nothing about it before and am a quiet individual. It has taken what self esteem I had and I believe I was the sacrificial lamb for garbage and baggage in the company. Toxicity is so common nowadays and HR doesn't do much. I documented everything where I was bullied by my boss as a result of this mystery behavior and spoke to her boss. They wouldn't even tweak my review much less change it. To this day I don't understand it. Someone obviously went behind my back and gave me no opportunity to even speak. So I feel for you and they seem to listen to the bully because they are afraid of them. A message to HR, please do an investigation. Don't just believe everything that comes out of someone's mouth. Good luck. Sorry I cannot give anything more than this.
AnonymousMay 29,2023 at 8:49PM UTC
I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I've seen this a lot, especially with well-connected people seeking advancement or staking out current claims raise general non-specific issues they don't raise to the person or their manager. Instead they blow it up with their staff, HR, and/or senior leadership, resulting in negative action on the target of the bullying -- no investigation, no mediation, no actual conversation. And when others see the negative change with the targeted person, it makes everyone more nervous and fuels the cycle. It's good that they're not sharing specific names because that does limit exposure to retaliation. Make sure you're documenting, trust your gut, and start looking. Find a work friend or two you can trust (don't need to talk about this stuff--more for a positive friendship or two to focus on the good stuff with). You could find that friend network builds you past the bully. Bottom line: the company gets your time, they shouldn't get your energy. Don't give it to them.