I work on a very small team. Just my manager and one other coworker. We work remotely. My manager has said she doesn't want me asking anyone else questions and only direct questions to her. My coworker and I were on a call today and my manager must have seen that we were on a call. She told my coworker that she wants her not to talk to me but to direct any questions to her. This particular instance was a bit on the creepy side in my opinion because she did not know what we were talking about, just that we were talking, because the red meeting was on for both of us. I've been here over a year now and her micromanagement has continued to be a problem. But this comment to my coworker was disturbing. She doesn't even want us talking or collaborating with each other. What do you think of this behavior, telling my coworker she shouldn't talk to me? I find it weird especially being a manager. I would WANT my team to collaborate and learn from each other. Manager also does not want us to cross train. It's so strange.

32 Comments

1. AnonymousAugust 10,2024 at 5:04AM UTC

   This sounds like malignant micro-management to me.

   As a manager with a problem employee, I can understand how a manger might not want a direct report to ask certain questions to the wrong person, but in my opinion it's going way too far if she doesn't want you even talking to coworkers and if she checking out your meeting status on whatever messaging system you use.

   Especially when you work remotely, it's a good thing to be in some kind of communication with your co-workers, even if its for an occasional social chat. As long as no one is wasting someone else's time, I don't see why a manager would have an issue with an employee talking to another coworker.

2. Jennifer Fay Bogar-RichardsonAugust 11,2024 at 1:36PM UTC

   I’d start looking for a job with a healthy environment. That’s creepy and toxic.

3. GirlBossanova934974August 11,2024 at 1:50PM UTC

   After 41 years in the working world, this one is a new one and I don't say that very often. To be very candid, your manager needs a good long trip to a good psychiatrist. This is a classic symptom of a very paranoid person. This is way beyond micromanagement. In the last 5 years, I have had the dubious misfortune of a person who was in treatment for such a disorder. To make it short, it did not end for that manager/owner or myself. Eventually, I was let go but later sued and won a large cash out of court settlement.

4. AnonymousAugust 11,2024 at 1:58PM UTC

   Your manager’s behavior is very concerning-I’ve also been in a similar setting . You and your coworker should chat on your personal cell phones - keep your messaging system status bubbles showing active /green during your conversations or she’ll catch on quickly if both of your statuses reflect “away” at the same time .

5. AnonymousAugust 11,2024 at 3:27PM UTC

   That's exactly what I would do!

6. AnonymousAugust 11,2024 at 2:00PM UTC

   It's possible this is paranoia and micromanagement ... or there's some kind of HR issue. Maybe you're operating in the aftermath of a complaint you don't know about and they are either 1) trying to control the spread of information about it or 2) trying to isolate communications from a specific person who was involved in such a situation (but who for whatever reason was not let go), and are handling it by trying to control communications to flow through managers. Just an idea...

7. AnonymousAugust 11,2024 at 2:47PM UTC

   Huge Red Flags! At least in my experience in dealing with the same situation. One, this manager is insecure and trying to control what goes on in the department. Two, this is poor management and her possibly being afraid/threatened to lose her position even if though it isn’t the situation. Three, this is definitely micromanaging and not being a team player and a great example of awful leadership.

   I had this happen to me at my last job. It was so bad that this manager wanted to read all of our emails to make sure our “branding of the dept” was visible. Then I’d have to rewrite and then send it off, it was absolutely ridiculous. She hated us collaborating, asking each other questions or helping one another. Typically, this is what most management want in a team, which is to work together.

   This manager also didn’t want me cross-training since there was someone else that already knew that job. She gave me things to work on but it wasn’t dealing with much of my job. I felt singled out. Almost like she was teaming up with my colleague but not me. But in reality was creating a wedge between us because of her insecurities and poor leadership.

   A word of caution to maybe try to have a discussion with her to see why she doesn’t want you two to collaborate. If you already know or her answer is vague, it’s time to talk with her manager about your concerns or HR. Don’t let this continue due to being on such a small team. It will only create a more toxic workplace because of the lack of team communication, team work and work relationships.

   Be cautious and I wish you the best.

8. AnonymousAugust 11,2024 at 2:56PM UTC

   Last year I was working for a micromanager and this working relationship ended like in hell. I was seeing the red flags early in the beginning but I tried to work on myself by becoming more and more compliant. Bad idea.

   The situation you describe is typical for a micromanager. They use to control the behaviour of other people (sometimes even what they do during their free time). Otherwise there could be something your manager is trying to hide from you or the other coworker. Anyway, she doesn't have the right to forbid you the contact to another coworker.

   In my case I regret not confronting my former manager on his micromanagement early in the beginning. I was afraid of losing that job but honestly, it would have been much better if I'd quit at the beginning. I finally quit without letting him know that his behaviour was the reason. Very engaged and ambitious people can become very unmotivated and frustrated when working for a micromanager. Consider confronting your manager and asking her WHY she doesn't want you to talk to the coworker. Her answer is going to reveal if this is a place where you should stay or rather search for a new position. Good luck!

9. AnonymousAugust 11,2024 at 6:12PM UTC

   This sounds like something that should be brought up to skip level if there is one. If there is let them know that you are being silenced and told to just be quiet and that this is a limiter in your participation in doing good and collaborative work. If not, perhaps sit your manager down and let her know that you would like to understand why she is silencing you and is there some other underlying issue that she has with your communication style or content. If you get a response that is disturbing ie: she wants control or some other, then it's time to consider making a change.

10. AnonymousAugust 11,2024 at 9:54PM UTC

    Definitely a red flag. I was recently in a similar position. I had been in the organization for 3 years; my manager was new. I believe she was trying to isolate me by controlling my interactions with coworkers. Ultimately she fired me.

11. AnonymousAugust 11,2024 at 10:19PM UTC

    That is what happened to me. Isolating me from other team members, giving me crappy side jobs to make me think she is giving me projects and then her going behind everyone’s back and asking them questions to make you look like you aren’t doing your job nor staying up with your job. I got fired too and I think that because I felt very singled out. After I was fired, it sounded like she had her favorites and the others didn’t know what was happening with each other.

12. EAugust 12,2024 at 12:30PM UTC
13. AnonymousAugust 12,2024 at 2:25PM UTC

    Same. I had been there over a year and effectively running the group before a new director was named. She micromanaged me to death and fired me after only working with me for three months.

14. AnonymousAugust 12,2024 at 12:49PM UTC

    Run! Do not turn back! Get the heck outta there! She/he sounds like a dictator and certainly has some ulterior motive or extremely paranoid.

15. Nina JohnsonAugust 12,2024 at 12:55PM UTC

    Lots of great advice has already been shared, so I only wanted to add that I once worked for a retail employer who had a standing rule *forbidding* employees to discuss their pay with each other. Found out the company would hire students from a local faith-based college and they were paid much more for the same work as those of us not from that school. (Employer gave them a title that sounded like they were some type of manager but they were just floor employees like the rest. When confronted, upper mgmt said the students from this particular school were more "trustworthy.") Your manager's behavior is a red flag but I'm wondering if there's an imbalance in pay or responsibility that she's trying to hide? Regardless, it's dysfunctional behavior and I'd recommend start looking elsewhere and do not share that you're looking with anyone you work with.

16. AnonymousAugust 12,2024 at 1:31PM UTC

    So a lot of people here are seeing this as a red flag.. it could be coming from above your manager so viewing them as the source is often misplaced.

    As a manager of a team of reports, I do encourage collaboration with my remote team and I know they talk to each other often. I do however try to limit their time with teams outside of our organization as I often founds those meetings and interactions caused them to be pulled in directions that I did not want them pulled in, were outside the scope of their roles, etc. It wasn't to limit their collaboration, etc but to make sure they didn't feel like that was required of them, took away from their actual job, etc. My team is not involved in strategy - that is my role as the manager - so asking them to not take part on meetings that I am not aware of is purely so I can manage my teams time toward the work we are required to complete and make sure no one is spinning on things that are not part of that. It isn't to micromanage. I often find people in lower IC roles can get pulled into things and do not know they can say no if its taking up time from their actual role.

    I also have had people in IC roles that somehow have ended up working on things I did not know about and I found out only after their work started to suffer - don't ask me how this happens but it was a mess to unwind that so I know it can happen. I hope your manager is just being mindful of your time and attention to work. I hate when I see things like this claiming its micromanagement when it could very well be a necessary tactic to managing workloads - as people managers that is partly our role but sometimes paints as micromanagement which is unfortunate.

    I do have some pay discrepancy on our org, we are trying hard to rectify with every new hire but unfortunately that could also be at play if you make more than the other person, etc. My director is pretty clear with me and open in saying 'hey we have this issue, so if anyone brings it up just let them know we are working on it' its easier said than done because some people have been here for awhile and to bring them to the current pay would involve more of a raise than we can do in any given cycle .. Its hard to balance that kind of stuff but I wouldn't immediately jump to this being about trying to out you from collaborating. If you feel so strange about it - can you ask your manager about it? I feel like an environment of clear communication and asking 'hey I just want to make sure I understand the direction here' is a much better one than assuming its negative direct.

17. AnonymousAugust 12,2024 at 5:47PM UTC

    Your concern about employees taking on unrelated work is reasonable. Certainly fair to advise them that they are not to take on assignments that do not come from you or require them to get your OK prior.

    That said, I’d hate to work for you. Your insistence that your individual contributors not think about strategy or the bigger picture sounds stifling.

18. AnonymousAugust 12,2024 at 7:05PM UTC

    To each their own I guess.. If your role asks you to work on strategy, great. If it doesn't, how would it be 'stifling' to keep you out of those discussions? Seems to me that would be necessary as you weren't hired to do that but hey, to each their own.

19. AnonymousAugust 13,2024 at 1:15PM UTC

    Your reasons may be valid, but if they lead you to discourage communication with others internally or externally instead of communicating to them the actual concern and the why, you’re a micromanager. Communication is better than control and has a much better impact on morale, trust and relationships.

20. AnonymousAugust 12,2024 at 1:49PM UTC

    I'm of the opinion that micromanagers aren't born, they're made and they're the products of dysfunctional work org experiences that have gone horribly wrong. It could be that this person has been burned in the past and is trying hard (perhaps a little bit too much)) to prevent something similar from happening again. However, it's not your responsibility to try to ally her fears. I would say do your best to maintain a professional and open dialogue with her and see if that helps to ease things a bit. But if it all gets to be too much, and you feel that your every move is being scrutinized down to how you breath, then it's time to look for another opportunity.

21. Vanda LeeAugust 13,2024 at 7:28PM UTC

    Micromanagers are also like that because they were guilty of wasting time or bullshitting their way thru their job in a previous role before they got to be a manager and they think everyone else is going to do what they did.

22. WandaAugust 14,2024 at 7:21PM UTC

    LOL - YEP

23. AnonymousAugust 12,2024 at 2:25PM UTC

    Have you ever just asked your manager why this is? It seems like doing that, and doing so respectfully, is the first step here.

24. AnonymousAugust 12,2024 at 5:38PM UTC

    Your manager is dysfunctional and controlling and her comments to you and your co-worker a huge red flag.

    As you say, good managers encourage collaboration. By contrast, your manager is attempting to isolate you and possibly to isolate your co-worker.

    Start job hunting. You are in a poor environment and this is extremely unlikely to improve.

25. AnonymousAugust 12,2024 at 6:56PM UTC

    This is called dictatorship. You have to be aware of your work environment. After that, you have to decide if that works for you or not. When I disagree with somebody in my work, I think about if that situation do not allow me to do my job. If that situation interferes with the development of my job, I look for another job where my job performance is not in danger.

    Good luck.

26. LaDonna CollinsAugust 13,2024 at 12:42PM UTC

    I left a position because of a similar situation. It was a three person team but we weren’t remote. The supervisor didn’t want us to talk to one another or any other department. It was crazy because me and coworker shared an office. To make long story short, the supervisor was giving us different information and intentionally creating conflict. Her behavior was rooted in insecurity and control issues. I accepted another position and am much happier. The supervisor was later terminated due poor performance.

27. AnonymousAugust 13,2024 at 1:06PM UTC

    I had a coworker like that. They were the team lead and wanted me only directing my questions to them. I quickly saw that they were so unlikable and controlling. Instead, I would ask a coworker closer to my age for help. The coworker would always try to intervene if she saw me and this other coworker talking. Issues like that don’t happen overnight. I left the job. But I knew the company was aware of her terrible behavior but chose utilize her. My other coworker saw how she was with me and even had their own experiences but would make excuses for her.

28. AnonymousAugust 14,2024 at 1:21PM UTC

    If you can leave, do. You'll never be able to grow with a manager like this. Plus micromanagement can make you lose interest in your work and your quality of work can plummet - all of which can lead to poor reviews/being laid off and deep job dissatisfaction.

29. AnonymousAugust 16,2024 at 1:58PM UTC

    I would ask her, in a respectful way to clarify her expectations. Obviously she is insecure. I don't think it will change her way of managing and as others said, look for another job. Many years ago, I was on loan to another manager, but still helping 2 others. One day this manager tells me that he doesn't want me helping the other 2. I very politely said that I thought my helping him was temporary. He then got all tongue tied and acknowledged that it was true. I then started looking for another job within the same company. When the department head found out I was lookimg to leave he placed me back with my original manager. But it was too late. Shortly afterwards I moved to another department which ended up being my best job.

30. AnonymousAugust 19,2024 at 1:29PM UTC

    It is weird but to be Devil’s advocate for a second, it’s possible there’s a reason she doesn’t trust this coworker to steer you right.

31. Mary Lea McTurnanAugust 31,2024 at 2:27AM UTC

    If that were true she would have said that to OP. Leaving new guy baffled . Dysfunction junction run

32. Mary Lea McTurnanAugust 31,2024 at 2:26AM UTC

    She’s hiding something and is triangulating to control the narrative. She’s receiving info from y’all but not reciprocating. Like a dysfunctional mother who’s always setting her kids against each other so they can’t compare notes— and sowing resentment against those who don’t deserve it. Classic misdirection