Hi.

11 Comments

1. AnonymousMay 7,2022 at 11:03AM UTC

   Thanks Leslie.
   Our jobs are separate but she's become pushy about being involved in my work. If I say No thanks I'm good, she ignores me when I speak to her and doesn't respond to my emails. She also sits next to me and if she hears Im in a meeting she wants to know what its about and why she wasnt invited. And when someone comes over to my desk to ask a question, she'll get up and sit down at my desk to hijack the conversation to offer unsolicited feedback that is incorrect or irrelevant to the other person's question.

2. AnonymousMay 7,2022 at 1:18PM UTC

   Oy.
   You need to have a frank discussion. Find out why she’s doing this - maybe she is being coached to get more involved and “take ownership” but doesn’t really understand what that means. If you talk through and she is still doing all this, you need to remove yourself from the drama and take away the opportunity.

   When she asks why she wasn’t invited, simple and factual “because the discussion didn’t require it”

   When people come by your desk, suggest you go sit in a meeting room so you don’t disturb others or say you were just about to grab water, care to walk and talk? Then step away.

   if she interjects quickly and hijacks, stop talking. Wait a beat. Then say, thanks for saying hi, visitor and I need to finish this and then I’ve got a deadline, so if you’ll please give us a minute we can wrap up.

3. AnonymousMay 8,2022 at 7:39AM UTC

   Thanks for your suggestions. I''ve been trying to find ways to be tactful although I'm puzzled as to why someone would offer to help and then refuse to discuss what needs to be done or get upset if I say I dont need any help.

4. AnonymousMay 8,2022 at 1:59PM UTC

   I couldn’t tell you that, but that’s why you should ask (outside of an active project).

   I really appreciate you offering to help with my projects. I would like to figure out how we can do that in a more collaborative way. I feel like you have been wanting to take things fully off my plate or get involved in projects that don’t obviously require your input. I’d love to help you if you are trying to learn about this area or considering a role on this team. The way this has been working is hard though, can we talk about what you are looking for and how we can work together better?

   you can also ask your boss if they are aware of any direction this person may have received to get more involved.

   I work in a large company and is not unusual for one person to be told in their performance reviews that they should learn more about X or take a greater leadership role in Y … but forget to give the owners of X or Y a heads up. We are all supposed to collaborate and people who do that well naturally don’t always remember that for people who don’t, it can sometimes show up like taking over because they think thats how you project confidence. You may also be inadvertently showing this same behavior in your attempts to own your own work.

   it’s a hard lesson to learn on both sides…how to let go without losing control (and understanding when control isn’t needed) and how to help without taking over.

5. AnonymousMay 7,2022 at 2:59PM UTC

   A couple of questions here, is your coworker’s position higher than you and she might think she has oversight or should be involved in what you’re doing.

   I had this happen to me and I asked my boss to have a conversation with both of us to clearly divide what I’ll do and what she do.

   Another perspective is, she might think your work is more interesting than hers and if this is the case, tell her she’ll need to advocate to work on interesting assignments.

6. AnonymousMay 8,2022 at 4:39AM UTC

   We're at the same level and our roles are separate although as you suggested we may need to talk to the boss about job duties. How did you approach your conversation and how did your coworker react to it?

7. AnonymousMay 8,2022 at 3:01PM UTC

   I approached my conversation with there’s a lot that we do, clearly dividing our roles would be helpful.

   I created a spreadsheet with all the projects and tasks I work on. If there’s an overlap with my coworker, I specify what her and my roles were. If there’s something I don’t want to work on, I put it up for discussion and see if she wants to take it on. We went line by line and gave my coworker ample time to think it through and ask questions. We actually met a couple of times for this.

   My coworker didn’t take it very well and at the same time she went along with it. It was helpful for my manager to interject ‘you can help her only in this way or no you’re not part of this’ every time my coworker wants to help with the project.

   We had this conversation over a year now and it worked! I now have a piece of mind that my coworker wouldn’t jump to help without being asked.

8. AnonymousMay 7,2022 at 9:53PM UTC

   After it happened once, that should have sent off alarms, bells and whistles.

   Unfortunately, you both might be at fault here:

   Are you asking her for help and just handing her a partial or blank canvas to work from?

   If she did SIGNIFICANT edits to your work, and you ACCEPTED it as is and submitted to your supervisor as such, you should not complain that she added her name to it as an author. Afterall, she did do the work. And you did not have to ask for her help, TWICE. As much as she gladly stepped up to the plate, she probably added her name to the doc bc maybe she feels you are trying to take advantage of her resourcefulness and knowledge.

   If you do feel her expertise is helpful to your development, rather than give her a blank or partially complete canvas to work from, don't send her any material directly. Ask if she is willing to have a virtual meeting to discuss some specific questions you have about the assignment. Share your screen on zoom/Teams based on what you already worked on. If you are completely clueless on where to start. Be specific in asking for tips in what she does to come up with ideas for starting points. If you are halfway there and stuck. Ask for specific advice on how to get over your specific hump. If you are 3/4 of the way there, seek help on how to specifically wrap things up. After your meeting, continue to develop your material from there....on your own. Do not send your material to her to give her or anyone an opportunity to take ownership of your work EVER. Remember, your workplace is still a competitive environment. And that also could be where the energy of your colleague is coming from.

   Some people do not know how NOT to go full throttle when being asked for help, like your colleague. And when they do, because they put in the effort, they want the full credit for what they did.

   If in the future, you ask for help and someone attempts to do all the work for you, say "NO THANK YOU". Try to be specific in drawing out what you need so you can still maintain document control and complete the work. But I would encourage you to make sure that the elements they worked on are not included in your final submission to your boss.

   Either you need to learn how to be more specific in asking for the type of help you need ----to only get just that, or proceed direct to your manager who does not have the time to do your work for you.

9. Karen PriceMay 8,2022 at 7:59PM UTC

   I think i would just politely state that you don't need any assistance at the moment but thank you, you appreciate her offer. Add that if something changes you will let her know.

   Further to that if you do intend to hand something over then you should let your manager know, have the entire task assigned to her and let her have the responsibility of success or failure.

   Just curious if you both report to the same manager?

10. AnonymousMay 10,2022 at 2:56AM UTC

    Yes we're a team of 4 and we're at the same level reporting to the same manager. So it may be time to discuss responsibilities with our manager like another poster suggested.

11. AnonymousMay 22,2022 at 9:59AM UTC

    OP here - just wanted to thank those who took the time to read my post and offer advice.
    I just need to accept that if I refuse her offers to help no matter how nicely, she'll make a fuss - but that's better than dramas from agreeing to let her be involved.
    Update - we had a team review of job responsibilities after a similar issue happened with another coworker. He gave her a task after she asked him for work, but she made other changes without talking to him that mucked up his other work. The meeting went well although it turned out out she actually does have work to do and our boss basically told her to get on with it. So maybe she's been pushy about getting involved in other people's work because she doesnt want to do hers for some reason. At least the meeting was clear about each person should be working on.