My projects have become the focus of a very difficult colleague.

61 Comments

1. AnonymousJuly 30,2024 at 5:10PM UTC

   Are you sure you are not the problem? I work in a position where my job is to review everyone's work and there is one person on our team who makes way to many mistakes, even after being told and trained how to do things correctly. We have tried giving her corrective feedback, but she has been nasty in her responses to that because she is convinced s he is doing a great job and also doesn't understand that we work at a much higher level than her or that she is causing everyone a lot of extra work because the majority of her work requires so many corrections. She is going to be fired soon because she has nothing but show us she is unable to change and refuses to accept any responsibility for her performance.

2. AnonymousJuly 30,2024 at 5:55PM UTC

   There is always a missing piece to stories, and it seems like there may be something missing here. I, too, have worked with bosses who are incredibly “particular” about almost everything. It can be a difficult work environment to be in but is there something you’re either intentionally or unintentionally not doing that she requests? Are her criticisms mean spirited or cruel? Is she speaking ill of you in any way? Or is it that her expectations seem impossible to meet or don’t connect with you? Have you considered taking a proactive approach to set up a meeting with her? Then asking her how you can find a way to better understand her needs? Not all executives know how to manage anything, and it doesn’t necessarily make for shining leadership. However, if you’re able to break down some of her particularities in a way you can better apply or understand them, she may view you with less skepticism and more confidence. Speak to your current manager who seems to understand her quirks. Ask if there’s an approach they used or is best to use in showing her you love your job and want to excel but want to improve the work and the working relationship so that what you produce shows the confidence you have and what she expects. You may find that you’ve been subconsciously delineating from her requests (ask yourself honestly if you are sometimes stubborn or feel you’ve learned things differently and that’s how you apply your work). If you find a way to accept being a student from this woman, and then also explaining you’ve learned some great tools and become a teacher for her, you may find a good way to break down some barriers. If she’s not the type you can just come to and speak with about this, you’re sort of looking at a whole “The Devil Wears Prada” kind of scenario where you need to outsmart her by leveling up to be more like her in her thought processes and expectations to get things done as she wants them to be. You won’t be changing her but you can certainly meet her where she’s at and show her your resilience and grit. Come to her with solutions because your learning style and her teaching style are polar opposites if she’s regularly pointing out her preferences and expectations, she may feel you’re the one not getting it. And if you haven’t been fired or let go, I imagine she does see something in you she likes. So, ask her exactly that. Start from that positive position and ask her how you two can better work together to make sure your output is up to her expectations. And let her know you’d like to better understand her approach so you can figure out how to apply it with your style of learning. This should help her realize you two are

   different in your styles but want the same goal to be reached. This may take the weight off you about her repeated attempts to tell you what she wants. I hope things work out.

3. AnonymousJuly 30,2024 at 6:03PM UTC

   Also… I would refrain from ageist exclamations when speaking about (even with) executives or colleagues close to retirement age. Unless you know their background and personal stories, it sort of makes you seem as if she carries no value to the work being done or the company. If she’s been there that long, she absolutely has a value to the company and it’s better to take advantage of learning from her rather than insinuating she has an expiration date.

4. AnonymousJuly 30,2024 at 6:39PM UTC

   So in summary:

   "This more senior colleague knows better, so you should listen to her, no matter how much she makes you feel uncomfortable, oversteps, or makes your life harder. You should learn from this and more adequately meet this person's needs."

   This person is not her boss or direct colleague. An employee should never have to feel belittled, micromanaged, or uncomfortable. Being a senior member of the team does not bestow that right. End of story.

5. AnonymousJuly 30,2024 at 5:58PM UTC

   Of course she's not going to leave. But you can choose to ignore her by just sending her a thank you and smiley face with each response. Don't invest the emotional energy. No one else seems to. You have no power or authority to change the dynamic here. So you can choose the management and HR route which most likely not turn out well or choose to move to another group away from this person.

   Accepting the current status of this person and leadership's willingness to allow it, would be best. So either learn ways to keep it from impacting you and your performance or move away from her to another team. Because as you said, she's not going anywhere and no one of authority wants to call her out.

6. AnonymousJuly 30,2024 at 6:36PM UTC

   The other two answers here are problematic- one assuming that you are the problem and one saying that if she is sharing information you need to listen to it and let her teach you.. Both of those are gross. If she is not your direct supervisor or colleague than she should mind her business. If she is your direct colleague this behavior is more understandable but still unacceptable.

   It sounds like your boss is expecting you to grin and bear it, and barring any critical information you did not share, this may be the only way to move forward.

   I've worked with plenty of obnoxious, annoying people who stick their noses in everyone's business and love to throw you under the bus for nothing, even someone who made continually racist comments (management disbelieved staff for a long time on that one before she finally had a public racially motivated outburst). A lot of times management does not care enough to deal with because it's not a huge problem for them. Your boss seems to know that she's a pain and isn't offering you any support. It looks like a middle ground where she's a problem for you but not a big enough one for them to do anything about.

   First, I'd try talking to her. Use I statements and preferably do so with a witness to let her know that her behavior is frustrating and confusing, and overall that the feedback she is giving me makes it harder for you to do your job effectively. See what happens. If you can work it out great, if not, you have some ammo to take to leadership saying you tried.

   After that- I would grey rock-, minimal responses, document every single interaction where she is critical or being a jerk. you can try responding something like "thanks I've got it from here," and then immediately resuming your work- disngaging. This is sending a strong message that her behavior is not okay.

   If this still does not work after multiple efforts, I would make it a problem for management. I would tell them that this colleague is making the environment hostile and that you cannot get work done when you are being nitpicked, questioned, and stepped on in your work, that you have tried multiple tactics to get them to leave you alone, and if they do not intervene, you will be taking this up the chain of command.

   Just because she has been on the team longer than anyone and is chummy with management does not give her the right to micromanage her coworkers and doesn't give management the eight to ignore it. Bonus points if a group complains about her together- the more voices the stronger the case.

7. AnonymousJuly 30,2024 at 6:52PM UTC

   What?

8. AnonymousJuly 30,2024 at 7:39PM UTC

   This sure rings a bell. Had a colleague like that but she was just over the top, had anxiety issues, made sighing sounds in the bathroom, talked to herself, it was bad. Until one day, as she neared her 72nd birthday, she finally retired. Brilliant lady, and truly had a good heart but working with her was a challenge. I wonder if your colleague is looking at retirement soon? I would talk with your boss and mention the constant criticism, not really your feelings as bosses do, they don't care, but do say, look, I want to do a great job but I'd like to nip the constant criticisms as it's taken a toll on my ability to perform at my best level. Are you able to assist me with that?

9. JB09718July 31,2024 at 1:23AM UTC

   I would set a regular meeting with her to discuss feedback to eliminate the round the clock criticism. (Ideally weekly but whatever fits the timelines with your projects) Ask her to send you topics or concerns 24hrs prior (gives you a chance to prepare for the meeting) and if she sends you random emails outside of that, just ask her to “kindly add them to the weekly meeting topics” and if her feedback is inappropriate or unwarranted you could ask your boss (and even her boss if she reports to someone else) to attend the meeting too. I would also suggest you be responsible for taking meeting notes and send them to her within 24hrs of the meeting (gives her a chance to correct anything you may have misinterpreted)

   i think you might encounter a few challenges:

   -stick to the topics she sent you, if she tries to spiral off on something else you can politely ask her to table that until next time unless it’s time sensitive

   -if she emails you outside of the weekly email with something time sensitive be careful not to set precedent by responding to one offs, offer to move the meeting up to discuss etc.

   -meeting needs to end on time, best way is to schedule something important right after (maybe a one on one with your boss to debrief on the meeting? Or schedule very end of the day?)

   overall you’ll still have some discomfort and anxiety over the meeting but it’ll hopefully make your workweek more tolerable overall. I think part of the anxiety comes from the lack of control on your part in this situation and the lack of direct support from your boss, you need to find a way to put yourself in the driver seat without stepping on anyones toes.

10. GirlBossanova934974July 31,2024 at 12:52PM UTC

    Here's an idea that requires minimal effort. Since your manager is no manager, why not do exactly he's doing? When Ms. Busy-Body aka Ms. Can't Mind Her Own Business decides to write these dumb comments on your work, just respond back with a nice thank you and go about your business? Ignore this woman. If she feels like making something else an issue, thank her, and ignore her again. Your manager can then figure out if he wants to do his job. You are acting like a manager when you are NOT getting paid to do so.......

11. AnonymousJuly 31,2024 at 12:59PM UTC

    Although i agree with the feedback thus far, Id like to offer an aternative perspective for your consideration:

    Stakeholders come in all forms within an organization and it may not always have the title "mgmt" associated - does your organizations mgmt value her work, her opinions/insight?
    If so, don't focus on winning her over. Lean-in and figure out what makes her tick and what you can learn from her. A lot of these types (as u described her tenure above) have a lot of knowledge that they do not easily share and it probably isn't documented anywhere.
    You may find yourself a mentor or sponsor in this "adversary".
    If this alternative was proven true it may explain your manager's passive response and comments. It's a test and they paired her with u to see what you're made of and if u will rise to the occasion and gather value.
    None of the above is meant to diminish your feelings, just make u think.
    Lastly, 2 things:
    1. I've received the most knowledge from ppl who intimidated me.
    2. I've also had roles where it is a BAD thing if the "nitpicker" did not call you out (silence = lack of relevance).
    Good luck!

12. SamanthaJuly 31,2024 at 5:30PM UTC

    You mentioned you think she has OCD, if she is in fact neurodivergent it is likely she means no harm in what she is doing, she may not know how to handle situations, but it doesn't mean her insight and experiences are not valid. If her criticism isn't causing you an issue with your boss and they are aware some of what she says isn't a reflection of you but of her, I wouldn't let it bother you. You can try being direct with her as well, I know I have a hard time with social queues and subtlety and appreciate when someone spells it out for me. Another option is to talk with your boss to make sure you are performing to standards and seek out their feedback. A saying I repeat to myself frequently when I get annoyed or upset by others is "you can't control the actions of others, you can only control how you choose to react".

13. maria roseJuly 31,2024 at 8:56PM UTC

    Question for the anonymous OP of this post—are you in charge of the hiring or in a HR position, where you need to evaluate all the employees who work for this company or simply a coworker of this specific employee and your main complaint about this fellow employee/coworker is that you don’t want to have to deal with this employee as part of your workday. You expressed a biased opinion about your perception of their age as being at retirement age—regardless of this individual actual age, this employee is still considered by the company a valuable asset which makes most of the rest of your comments more about your feelings about being considered under valued at the company and your inability/ or lack of wanting to learn skills for your coworkers whom you don’t want to work with. All I can suggest is that you have a meeting with a neutral person included where you have an honest conversation about your interactions and how this person triggers you with how they talk to you and find a common ground between you and them.—Good luck

14. Leader135412August 1,2024 at 12:40PM UTC

    Just do your job. Don't react to her. If your doing your job correctly then she has no right to question your ability. And you don't have to explain yourself to her. Don't go to the boss about her. Answer her emails with simple explanations.

    And if she keeps throwing monkey wrenches into your work, document it. Kill her with kindness and laugh it off. You have to turn the situation around, take her power away by not reacting. And if she goes to the boss, demand a sit down with the 3 of you. If your content there, don't let her push you out. She'll leave, may be not tomorrow, but eventually.

15. AnonymousAugust 1,2024 at 12:51PM UTC

    Try to not take it personal it’s always someone on the job who thinks they do it better regardless of how long they been at the company. I have had new staff member come in after me try to tell me how to do my job. It was annoying but I was open to their advice thanked and they moved on eventually since they didn’t get a reaction.

16. AnonymousAugust 1,2024 at 12:53PM UTC

    It's disheartening to read that she may have a mental condition, retirement age(what is that for real these days, is it really a number still or a mindset), and 'she won't leave'. What about this, real talk, peer to peer, take a particular task that she feels should be one way and you bump thoughts on it. Drill into, have her walk you through her why and then INTRODUCE the opportunity how it could transition to be done differently. Ask her thoughts and if she can see any benefit from change. Ask 'what do you think holds us ALL back from implementing change' with something like this task. Create a conversation. Now, yes, there are peers set in their ways, AGE doesn't matter on this, build from there. You may need to do more training in understanding biases, and hey, we all could, no shade. But when we pause to try to understand others POV so much can be learned about them and YOURSELF. Pause, I'm sure, as you say, you do a great job, and inferring 'past lawsuit', is not helping you move forward. Who here is watching the clock. Hear and read your angst, however I see a great opportunity for you both.

17. Sue Gordon- retired Career CoachAugust 1,2024 at 12:55PM UTC

    I totally understand what it's like to work with someone who is always "right."

    I also understand that "not reacting" is no longer an option- you've been doing that and can't keep it going. So, you have no choice but take a course of action. First, think about it and craft a plan. Don't go off on her, as much you might like to. So develop a strategy.

    1) Document her unreasonable attempts to interfere with your work. Sounds like a lot is in email so that helps! Do not delete her email however tempting it might be.

    2)Do tell your manager you can no longer deal with this. If you do good work and they acknowledge she's unreasonably tough, this will be a wake up call. They won't want to lose you.

    2) If the mechanism exists, file a harassment complaint with HR.

    3) Start your job search- internally and externally. If she really has a hold on this organization, they may choose her over you, particularly if they are spineless.

    It is my hope for you that when you stand up for yourself, others will come out of the woodwork to support you and something will finally be done. This is what happens when people are afraid of a bad actor-- they don't do what's right-- take the lead in removing this bully from your workplace, but be prepared that you may be the one to leave. Either way, it will be good for your mental health and career.

18. Marcia SmithAugust 1,2024 at 1:06PM UTC

    This is all great advice!!!!!!

19. AnonymousAugust 1,2024 at 1:33PM UTC

    Sorry to hear this is happening to you. I’m also sorry to say that you have to stand up for yourself much harder because it seems your boss is not going to. Have a serious discussion with your manager about this situation. (Not just a quick “she’s at it again “). Take it to the next level if he’s not going to help. Before you do, tell your manager you are escalating this issue. I would not bother talking to Miss Know-it-all anymore. BTW, if she’s not your manager or team partner, you do NOT need to answer her emails ! Good luck.

20. AnonymousAugust 1,2024 at 1:35PM UTC

    I find some of your comments to be disheartening: “She’s of retirement age but won’t leave.” Do you even realize how ageist and privileged you sound? Older people have just as much right to gainful employment as you do and there are even federal laws that protect employees over 40 from discriminatory attitudes like yours.

    You want to “demand” a transfer? I didn’t realize employees could do that! “Gracious and civil” are fine, but instead of being a punching bag, you might want to develop assertiveness skills because the workplace is increasingly less civil every day.

    There is nothing wrong with politely asking someone who isn’t your boss to direct their comments and feedback about your work to your immediate supervisor. It is Ok to stand up for yourself. You don’t HAVE to listen to her.

    You can even let your supervisor know in advance that you plan to start establishing boundaries with this woman so he is aware of it. And please do read up on assertiveness or watch a TikTok so you don’t do or say something discriminatory and get yourself fired.

    Also, many managers appreciate employees who take the initiative and come to them with possible solutions instead of only problems - “This is what’s happening. I have two suggestions about how to work through this and would appreciate your feedback.”

    Finally, why don’t you keep your “diagnoses” to yourself. As a mental health professional, I find your comments about OCD to be very offensive. It is people like you whose jokes and comments about mental health add to the stigma.

    You may do a “great job “ but it sounds like you have some growing up to do. Remember, you will also be “of retirement age” one day and may have to work longer than you ever imagined because life has a funny way of throwing curve balls that many people never expect.

21. Zeecil KimmelAugust 1,2024 at 2:07PM UTC

    Someone reached out on this thread for sympathy and instead has received judgment and criticism. I'm unsure why she has become the villain when she is the victim. I find these comments very disheartening and I am seeing this more and more on this forum. We are here to support each other. If you do not care for what the poster has said then move along.

22. AnonymousAugust 2,2024 at 12:17AM UTC

    Maybe I can help you understand why she "has become the villain", as you put it, in some commenters eyes.

    "She's of retirement age but won't leave. The job, it seems, is her life. I think she may have some kind of mental condition, maybe OCD based on my experiences with her." That's in her first paragraph. Sounds awfully assumptive and judgmental. Maybe she can't afford to leave the job. Maybe she does have mental health issues. OP doesn't know things about this person's private life for facts. The OP has made some pretty harsh assumptions that have come across as rude to some people here. Yes, being supportive of each other is important but not when a poster makes assumptions and judgments about a person's life or mental health. Pointing out when someone is making inappropriate assumptions and judgments can sometimes HELP someone (OP) see things in a different light.

    By the way, I find your comment "If you do not care for what the poster has said then move along" to be quite rude. We are all allowed to comment if we agree, disagree, like, or don't like a post.

23. AnonymousAugust 2,2024 at 1:05PM UTC

    Thank you! Well said.

24. Kathryn BuerAugust 2,2024 at 11:14AM UTC

    I think you missed the point of the forum. Someone posts asking for advice and these comments - which may not be what she wanted to hear but which may also be valid - are part of giving feedback to help each other grow professionally. Supporting someone does not necessarily mean validating their every gripe and accusation. It may also mean pointing out how their own actions could be tempered to make the situation better.

25. AnonymousAugust 2,2024 at 1:04PM UTC

    So you’re saying it’s ok for someone to discriminate against older employees and mental illness in the same post? Wow.

26. AnonymousAugust 1,2024 at 2:46PM UTC

    perfectly said!

27. AnonymousAugust 1,2024 at 2:58PM UTC

    Well said! The phrase "of retirement age and won't leave" really bothered me so much that it was tough for me to read the rest of the argument. Saying this because I work in an environment where everyone is at least 20 years younger than I am, and I feel as if anything I say to add to any meeting or conversation is ignored because I am 60 plus, and not about to retire. I am aware of how and why I am being treated that way, but continue to be respectful at the workplace regardless.

28. AnonymousAugust 2,2024 at 1:03PM UTC

    I can’t believe the way people who are over 50 are treated. The fact is, the number of older people is rising and many will need to work well into their 70s. The world had better get used to it.

29. AnonymousAugust 3,2024 at 2:18PM UTC

    I am in the same working environment where everyone is at least 20 years younger and I’m 58; not even sure I can ever retire. I’m experiencing the same treatment you described as being ignored Except when others need help; can’t finish a project; need me to create their marketing materials, presentations; provide SME info that they can use and take credit for. They will only email me and then they thank me SoMuch, I’m the best! Etc but in meetings act like I don’t exist and will walk by my desk; stop and say hi to the person right next to me and totally ignore me. Ageism is real, rampant and ruthless.

30. AnonymousAugust 1,2024 at 3:01PM UTC

    Great response! As someone who has mental health issues and had a team member make fun of it and our manager tell me to "be the bigger person" and let it go... I really appreciate your call out on her "diagnoses" regarding her coworker.

31. AnonymousAugust 2,2024 at 1:00PM UTC

    It’s that kind of discrimination about mental health that fuels negative stereotypes that fuels stigma which not only results in less support in the workplace but drives up suicide rates. I lost all empathy for the OP after that comment. It was mean and immature.

    We never know what kinds of battles our coworkers are dealing with, Don’t blame it on mental illness.

32. ReachingGoalsAugust 1,2024 at 1:43PM UTC

    Try responding every time with a simple thank you. Nothing else. Every time. You are being polite without agreeing

33. AnonymousAugust 1,2024 at 2:03PM UTC

    I would get a note from your physician that this is effecting your health and you feel it is bullying. Turn the note into HR. Ask for a reasonable accommodation.

34. Millie MardahayAugust 1,2024 at 4:50PM UTC

    absolutely , great advice.

35. AnonymousAugust 1,2024 at 7:05PM UTC

    This is horrible advice. Not every problem in the office can be filed under “mental health”, you will make yourself look weak and insecure. Sure, file a complaint with HR, be sure to document everything with time, date and incident. Don’t use your feelings as a complaint. Be specific about what happened and how you responded. Do not say it hurt my feelings, it made me upset, etc.

36. AnonymousAugust 2,2024 at 12:54PM UTC

    This is not bullying. This is a person who claims she’s a high performer but is too immature to assert herself and have boundaries. Instead of approaching it like an adult she wants to “demand” a transfer as if she’s some sort of diva. In life, you can’t keep avoiding hard conversations and demand X, Y, and Z. She needs to act like an adult and stop denigrating and discriminating.

37. AnonymousAugust 1,2024 at 2:06PM UTC

    I experienced a very similar situation. I was requested to go over to a law firm/company owned by a colleague of my Supervising Attorney as they needed help on a long term project. As our office was slow due to COVID I happily obliged. The Practice Manager at the project job was rude at the interview and I knew that there were going to be problems with her. However, this was an opportunity for me to learn a new rarefied skill set so I took the position as I knew this was not a long term thing for me. 16 months into the project I gave notice. Over the 16 month period I spoke with the owner of the company, in emails and orally, on multiple occasions about the behavior and unprofessionalism and he told me that he did not want o hear about it. What I learned is that he was the reason for the bad behavior and unprofessionalism as he never corrected anyone or any of it over the years this particular group of people have worked for him. After working on the project I found out that there was a tremendous turnover rate of former employees who simply walked out without notice. Eventually I grew tired of the nonsense, gave notice and went back to re-establishing our law firm, post COVID. Lesson learned. If the behavior is ignored or supported by the top of the organization, it is not going to change so if you don't like it you will have to leave.

38. AnonymousAugust 2,2024 at 10:23PM UTC

    Oh my gosh, yes! Same thing here. Worked for a company owner never wanted to change. People ended up leaving within a year and a half.

39. OLIVIA JOHNSONAugust 1,2024 at 3:21PM UTC

    Hi there! So sorry to hear that things are so tough with your work colleague. Relationships are what I think sometimes the toughest part of the job. Based on what you shared (as there may be other factors), there are a few positive things working in your favor and I would also offer up another approach if you would be willing to accept the challenge lol.

    First, for the positives:

    1. It sounds like everyone knows including your boss, so this confirms and validates your concerns
    2. It sounds like everyone has been on the receiving end of this treatment and the focus is on you now
    3. Third and most important...no one is jumping on her bandwagon and criticizing your work or taking action against you for not being good at your job

    What I would suggest, would be to actually talk with her and not for confrontation but actually pick up the phone or schedule a video call to have her go through her feedback. On this call you start out with actually saying Hi and asking her about her day, her week, and how her family's doing. Share that you appreciate her feedback and some it you wanted to hear directly what her thoughts were. I know it sounds crazy but I think what we miss is fountain of knowledge when someone of her experience obviously has something to say. You may be able to get to the root of her challenges with your work and you may even be able to share your thought process. Now this could also open the floor for more criticism as she could now feel it is invited but hopefully this starts to build a rapport and there is an understanding of context as often times we can also read something without the tone of how it's being said, especially if she is extremely meticulous or OCD, which leads me to my second suggestion, which is to consider that if this is the case that then this is not personally about you at all.

    I hope this helps a bit. Interested to hear how things go for you.

    Coach Olivia

40. Seyi OkohAugust 1,2024 at 3:38PM UTC

    This is right on point. I also viewed this from same perspective.

    Sometimes we base our judgement of people on other people's experiences, which is okay to an extent; but as much as possible you need to be open minded so that you can get to know people for who they really are.

    While the woman's approach and choice of words might be tough, her intentions might be good. This is someone with years of experience and wealth of knowledge. I will advise that you tap into her knowledge. This could step- change your career for all you care. She might mean well. Even if she didn't mean well, your humble approach to her might make her change her perspective towards you.

41. AnonymousAugust 1,2024 at 3:42PM UTC

    I want to point some things out immediately. Your comments, right off the bat, are a bit critical of her (I realize she's a hard personality, but HEAR ME OUT). you said: "She's been there 20 years", "She's of retirement age but won't leave", this job "is her life", and I think she has a mental condition- maybe OCD"--- OUCH. Do you hear yourself? Again, I know she's a tough cookie, but you are super judgemental of this woman and I think your vibe is most definitely coming across to her. Please consider this. (do you have age bias? mental health bias? impatience toward her because of her age?)--Yes, she's a complex/difficult person-- but she's still human, and you show NO COMPASSION toward her. None. (this is merely demonstrated in what you said here!)... And yes, she "might" have a mental health issue, feels lonely, and needs work to feel validated.... How Sad. But don't become her pet project for all of the wrong reasons!!!!!. While this might sound sappy, I think you need to make an effort to simply be NICE... Yep, I know this sounds terribly simplistic, terribly "old fashioned", but I've had horrid coworkers over the years and I worked to make them my friends and yes, this CAN HAPPEN....but the effort will need to come from you. Please put your defenses down a little bit and consider what I'm saying. I know you are probably right, but you also WANT TO BE RIGHT, and that's blocking any progress for you in this work relationship.

42. AnonymousAugust 1,2024 at 7:58PM UTC

    I think the poster is unkind

43. Milissa JacobsAugust 1,2024 at 4:57PM UTC

    UNlike Anonymous, you're not being judgemental. You are saying what you are seeing. That's not judging, it's stating facts. Start documenting every single issue. After a week or a month of logging in her actions, request a sit-down meeting with your manager and her. Start at the top. List the actions taken by this woman. Explain your response. Tell them the delay it put on your project completion which is ultimately what they want. Maybe the coworker doesn't realize she is horrendous. Regardless, there is no job worth taking the problem home with you when you aren't being paid for it. Especially if it's making you miserable.

44. AnonymousAugust 1,2024 at 5:31PM UTC

    I am "anonymous" and I am merely pointing out that the first paragraph of the poster's question is all negative context (see her comments) and for that reason, I believe there exists age bias against her coworker (among other biases, including an asssumption that this coworker has OCD or another mental health diagnosis)-- the original poster's own comments demonstrate a bit of bias-- consider this!

45. AnonymousAugust 2,2024 at 12:50PM UTC

    I would not what the OP working for me. She sounds like a spoiled brat whose Mom is going to show up at work and demand that the OP get a promotion.

46. AnonymousAugust 1,2024 at 6:28PM UTC

    I hear/read you, however those are not all facts, but thoughts and interpretations of what they're taking away along with assumptions. Now, perceptions matter, but that's what they are perceptions aren't always facts. Feelings matter, doesn't make them facts. Learning seems to be a positive that both could benefit from. When attempts are made and then if unsuccessful, you can then share, this is what I've tried so far, instead of being concerned on when they're gonna leave because they're old.

47. AnonymousAugust 1,2024 at 5:21PM UTC

    Sit her down with the manager and someone from HR in the same room and tell her to stop. Let her know that she needs to stay in her lane and that while you appreciate feedback she is no longer going to make you the whipping post for her own need to speak out. Suggest to them that you want to be sure to document her behavior as it is work stopping for you and is bullying. They have to make it stop especially if you use the words hostile workplace.

    Her age and mental state is really not relevant what is the only relevant bit is that you need a safe nurturing place to get your work done. Period. Don't run away but be firm in your needs as the company is responsible for assuring you are not harmed while at work.

48. AnonymousAugust 2,2024 at 12:53PM UTC

    Agree with every bit of this.

49. LORI-ANN BURLINGAMEAugust 1,2024 at 6:33PM UTC

    I feel sorry for your coworker. How sad that all she may have is her job -- no family, friends, or other loved ones.

    Have you discussed your boundaries with her ? She may be a bully, but you have rights and need to set guidelines.

50. AnonymousAugust 1,2024 at 7:22PM UTC

    Maybe you are the problem. Those were some pretty harsh agist words.

51. AnonymousAugust 2,2024 at 1:50PM UTC

    Wow, I thought this site was here to help people. What a harsh an erroneous response. And upvotes, really?

    I don't see the ageism comments at all. She is working with an older person with seniority who may be having some cognitive decline, or possibly not adaptable to change, or congenial in business; who is also not her boss nor her supervisor.

    Perhaps advice on how to work with an older person who has not be trained in working with multiple generations, not trained in adaptability or change will be more helpful.

    If you don't want to help others, why are you here??

52. AnonymousAugust 2,2024 at 10:20PM UTC

    I agree. I thought we were to help each other too, not knock each other down. Thank you for that reply. The upvotes make no sense. Geez women be kind.

53. Marian DavidsonAugust 1,2024 at 7:54PM UTC

    There are two approaches:

    1) Benign Response. If you want to keep your job, then you have to suck it up. Since it seems that your manager understands the situation, bit is best to simply reply to the co-worker "Thanks for your notes" and keep it simple. It is possible that she feels threatened by your work, or feels that she is vulnerable to being forced out of her position in the future. Hopefully by just acknowledging her notes, you won't be agreeing and hopefully won't have to take any action contrary to your best judgement for your work tasks.

    2) Push Back Response. If you want to leave your job, then you can go the other route that has been recommended within the responses. If you confront her directly, or file a harassment suit, or even get a letter from your doctor, you better plan to be laid off or otherwise released from your job. That is just how corporate America works these days.

    Since most states have employees categorized as "at will" employers, they can eliminate your job for almost any reason. Unless you are in a protected class (which your co-worker is in as an older employee with years of seniority), you are the person who they will shed, not her.

    If you pursue the "push back" approach, expect the company will start to build a case against you as an under-performer, or even give you a bad review (or put you into a Performance Improve Plan) which will force you to look for another job. Sadly, you may be released from your job, laid off, or otherwise demoted or transferred to a less favorable position.

    It is nearly impossible to win in a lawsuit (or threatened lawsuit) for harassment without tons of documentation -- and it must be the type that an objective observer would say was clearly harassment. Any ambiguity, something that looks "helpful" or giving you legit work feedback, will work against you. Your narrative is likely not be sufficient. Be cautious, because word spreads, and legal action tends to bounce back and bite you.

54. AnonymousAugust 2,2024 at 12:44PM UTC

    Sorry that you're going through this. I'm shocked at the angry responses saying you're the problem. I am close to retirement age and went through this with another slightly older colleague. I put up with it for years and even befriended her, tried to win her over, etc. The company owners knew she was problematic, however, she had domain knowledge on most projects and they needed her. Several others started complaining about her so they moved her into different roles. She still was negative and condescending in calls and blocked several initiatives. I ended up leaving. If the top-level leaders could not get a handle on it, it was not the place for me. So, at least try to understand where she's coming from and see if you can get on her 'good' side. Meanwhile, keep a log of negative interactions. And be prepared to exit if your mental health calls for it. Good luck!

55. AnonymousAugust 2,2024 at 10:16PM UTC

    I enjoyed this reply as well. I agree with you and am shocked I read so many ugly responses. They are uncalled for. I know there are nice women here as the empathetic responses reflect it. Great advice!

56. AnonymousAugust 2,2024 at 12:48PM UTC

    I would definitely speak with HR because this is creating a hostile workplace environment and is also bullying. I would revise my resume and start applying elsewhere as your physical and mental wellbeing are far more important than the stress you are experiencing.

57. AnonymousAugust 2,2024 at 2:24PM UTC

    I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Always protect your wellbeing.

    Your final statements are the solution. This can no longer go on. Consider how it would feel to walk in tomorrow knowing that to be true and then acting like it is. Part of the answer is in you. Part of the answer is how the world shifts around you (and if it doesn't---consider moving on).

    Should you take this to a manager or HR, I hope they support you. Yet, they may not support you. Before you speak with them, make a list of your priorities (what do you want? her to treat you better, etc.). The reality is you won't know all the details of why she remains (it could just be the economy and she'd love to retire but can't). Waiting it out isn't the answer. Clearly, modeling a certain behavior isn't helping. Company organizations don't want to rock the boat unless it serves them. This is also a time when more generations are working together than ever---with each having unique styles/skills/synergies---and not many organizations taking time to foster humanity and training.

    I had a situation similar to this, brought it to attention of folks, some leaders even came to me saying they observed it. No one was willing to do anything. When I pushed my boss, they said, "you handle it. " So, if it comes to that- where they punt to you, have a real conversation with your colleague. There's lots of advice on how to handle toxic situations/ colleagues- with respect.

    You can try a compassionate approach or a direct one--or many in between. This is an opportunity for you to set boundaries. Perhaps she'll stay the same- Do you have to listen or take it in? Can you push back? Can you say, I won't have a meeting with this tone?

    Sometimes a firm mirroring/accountability exercise works. Take out your computer/notepad and when she says something controlling or insulting, just say "Let me make sure I got this straight. I'm quoting you here. You want me to XYZ? I want to document it. " (either with a firm tone or your regular gracious one). Then get up an leave. You'll confuse her at first. If she's smart, she knows you're watching her. The energy will be shifting. Just do your best to shift too. Don't take her crap. It's her being her. (I know, easy for me to say). Find grounding exercises for every time you meet with her. If you're at the end of your rope anyway, try a new rope. Gracious and civil didn't impact her (and she's got her own story as to why she is the way she is).

    She may push back.

    Whatever you do, document everything, try to have things public in an open space, and protect your health. If you're not supported by management when you bring this to light, you won't be (unless personnel dynamics change). I'm not one to say "quit" to anyone, because you have your reasons for why you work there. But, if whatever you try yields the same result (no change and you feel unwell), start looking for a new place.

    From what I shared above, I'm offering guesses to suggest that chances are the environment/system you're both in is the cause. That said, I'm not saying you should tolerate her behavior at all. All you can do is work on you and express it outward to others. Your hardworking, civil , gracious side is useful. Embrace other sides of you. Boundaries. You got this.

    Good luck.

58. AnonymousAugust 2,2024 at 10:14PM UTC

    Amazing reply and well written. Great advice. And it was nice reading a kind reply.

59. Nicole McKeonAugust 2,2024 at 3:11PM UTC

    Have you tried saying to her very directly and unemotionally that you find her interactions with you to be demeaning and that she is making you feel as if she has an ulterior motive? I find the direct approach is usually the best way to start. You must do this in a very non-confrontational and neutral way. Point out the facts of the interaction, and do not focus on the feelings or emotions. It's possible she is completely unaware that her behavior is affecting you negatively. If after doing this the behavior continues, I would request (not demand) that any conversations about your work include your direct supervisor- and let her know that if she wants to discuss something with you you will need your boss to be included in that discussion. In this way, you are making it more difficult for her to continue this behavior. Best of luck.

60. AnonymousAugust 2,2024 at 10:48PM UTC

    Sorry you're going through that and that you're being judged while asking for help here.

    I so much recognize a previous situation although I've been lucky enough not to be the main obsession of the bully. This poor person...

    Nevertheless she managed to make me feel insecure on domains I never had an issue before.

    After a while, even though I was still keeping a smooth professional face, I started to scrutinize her work too, silently, and she was far from perfect herself. She spent so much time judging everyone else's work than she didn't realize she was making the common mistakes she would make a big deal about for others (typos...). She even did particularly bad gaffes (sharing utterly confidential project folders instead of a specific file, deleting instead of copying shared work resources...). It looked like unconscious sabotage and could have justified being fired at EOD if she had not been there for so long. She inspired a mix of fear and pity.

    At one point I just wondered what I was doing here and looked for a new job. After 4 years, I lost all respect for these work dynamics. My managers were understanding but took no action. Fortunately other team members were great and brillant. You could see that many of her project managers couldn't stand her and would stop her right away when she tried to engage about irrelevant details. But for some reason she was protected.

    Most members of her close team left. I've finally found a better job, more interesting, earning almost twice my previous revenue. She's still there at the same position nagging everyone since 15 years or something.

    Some say that there's almost always one person like that in every office. I call them the scarecrows.

    Good luck, you're worth better than that.

61. AnonymousAugust 6,2024 at 12:20PM UTC

    I’m sorry to hear that someone “retirement age,” won’t leave their job. ;-) a lot of us can’t. We don’t have the cash to do it because it was decimated during several recessions and a dot com bust. Also keep in mind she may be neurodivergent. I think the best thing in dealing with people like that who appear to be going nowhere - is to remove yourself as their target.