How would you handle a group of mean girls?

14 Comments

1. AnonymousOctober 19,2022 at 12:56AM UTC

   If they have longevity and their mgr is leading the ring, continue to be polite and courteous. Don’t stoop to their level by reacting. If your job requires that you need to work with them then plan your exit strategy or internal move strategy. I would only recommend you stay if you manage to build connections with leadership at a high enough level to check them and their mgr. so if not, it will likely get worse. You cannot control them and if they are unwilling to be professional now, it’s either this is a typical hazing process they put other females through when they are jealous and insecure and or they are those menacing bullies that never changed since childhood. Good luck and don’t internalize their nonsense. And I am so sorry you are going through this.

2. AnonymousOctober 19,2022 at 1:05AM UTC

   I agree.
   A girl has to have more than her job. She needs to have connection with the people she works with. If you aren't finding that, start planning your exit either within or outside the company. If this is how you are treated with one team, it might be that way throughout the company.

3. AnonymousOctober 19,2022 at 1:52AM UTC

   I’m the odd man out in my office. They will have stuff outside work and not invite me. They will openly talk about it in front of me.

4. AnonymousOctober 19,2022 at 12:36PM UTC

   If you can’t do your job and there is a manager involved, where is your manager?

5. AnonymousOctober 19,2022 at 1:43PM UTC

   Be as professional as possible, but document everything in writing if you ever need the receipts. "Hey so and so, I'm so glad we're working on that project. As noted, I need x and y from you..."

6. Heather TearneyOctober 21,2022 at 1:25PM UTC

   Because the work could suffer (meaning how you are perceived for your performance), I might also suggest if there is a project where one of the other women is working with you on a specific area, perhaps you could suggest a work meeting over coffee. Maybe, just maybe separating one of them from the gaggle to have a direct conversation may allow for honesty and trust to be built and the pettiness to be diminished.

   It may not work, but at least you know that you truly did everything to make it better, and again you will have documentation that you were trying to solve problems to not have the work suffer.

7. AnonymousOctober 19,2022 at 1:45PM UTC

   I agree, look for another job and go where you are a better fit and respected. Unfortunately there are adults who act like they are still in 8th grade and they are not going to change. If you’re manager is part of this group, you will be miserable. No job is worth that petty bs. Sounds like a toxic work environment.

8. AnonymousOctober 19,2022 at 5:06PM UTC

   I am in the exact same position as you working with a group of mean girls it is more like high school drama than workplace.

   They will never change no matter what you do. I have put up for this for over 1 year so here's my advice:
   minimize contact with them (just engage in work related talk) keep calm when talking to them and just keep doing your job well (that is likely the reason the are mean to you: insecurity and jealousy. if you shine the more they will be mean to you, will gaslight you to make you look like the problem)
   set healthy boundaries at work. leave on time, enjoy downtime, social events, hobbies.document any issues.
   refresh your resume and start looking for a new job.stay positive as you plan your exit.
   don't let this affect your confidence and document all your successes as you search for new role!

9. AnonymousOctober 19,2022 at 6:08PM UTC

   Leave! That’s what I did.

   For 4 years I put up with the same thing you described. I tried everything to fix the situation and woke up to realize it’s done. If they don’t like you they don’t like you so stop trying, begging and forcing them to be nice and or to accept you. I am not saying that’s what you are setting out to do but all of your efforts look that way to them.

   Tough it out long term will only

   destroy you. Start actively preparing to job search and get out. It may be a scary thought but a scarier thought should be that if you choose to stay, then in 5 years your situation will not have changed.

   it took me about 5 -7 months of making excuses because I was scared to start over, 7 months of interviewing and I have been in a awesome new job for 6 months now.

10. AnonymousOctober 21,2022 at 12:27PM UTC

    This resonates with me. They are threatened by you and this behavior is likely modelled at higher levels in the organization. It’s a form of politics. Some women just rub insecure women the wrong way. Especially if you come across too confident and capable. My question is - are we supposed to run away every time some basic idiots see us as a threat? Are there really workplaces where this kind of behavior doesn’t exist? I’m genuinely asking, as I’ve dealt with these dynamics my entire career and usually refuse to engage in the group nonsense - but then wind up angry afterwards that I keep encountering it and it really can hinder your career progression is allowed to go unchecked. HR is usually useless in these situations as well btw. Their job is to minimize the threat to the business and make complaints go away.

11. AnonymousOctober 21,2022 at 4:17PM UTC

    I hate to say this, because the last thing I want to do is put down my own gender... but if you're asking where does this behavior not exist? It's on male dominated teams.

    My last two teams have been all men besides me, and I haven't dealt with this. Sure, being on an all male team has other disadvantages, but there's no drama or passive aggressive cattiness. I really wish women did a better job of working with one another- but until we figure that out, I'm sticking with the dudes.

12. AnonymousOctober 21,2022 at 12:33PM UTC

    I would leave, it's a hostile work environment and if the manager is adding to it they aren't much of a leader. "I'm not interested in feeding low behavior" is evidence your EQ and professional stance is head and shoulders above the entire team. Start looking for another position because this isn't going to improve. Best of luck to you.

13. KellyW43October 21,2022 at 12:38PM UTC

    This one is kind of hard for me. Personally, I would just be up front with them about it. "Listen, I know you don't like me and I don't care, but we need each other to get the job done. I'm begging you to be professional and it can benefit all of us."

    On the other hand, you can remain professional, do what you need to do and keep moving forward.

    In both instances, you do need to document and look for other positions inside and outside of the company, If you don't, this relationship with these women will blow up eventually. Since there are more of them, you may be the one who pays in the end.

14. AnonymousOctober 21,2022 at 6:02PM UTC

    I've worked in a mean girl environment and my recommendation is to try to address it yourself but also to watch to see how it's handled by your team's leadership. In my particular scenario nothing was done, and the toxicity had been in place for several years, so I found another opportunity. However, while I was still there I made sure to advocate for change and support others impacted.