I am resigning due to a toxic boss.

Anonymous

March 1,2023 at 1:48PM UTC

Welcome to Fairygodboss!

We’re the largest online career community helping women achieve their career goals. Gain access to articles, jobs, events, and a supportive network of women and allies. Membership is free, always.

I am resigning due to a toxic boss. I love all the employees at the nonprofit where I work except my manager who also happens to be the Executive Director. This person disagrees with me even in the most trivial discussions. She seems to disagree even when we agree. Her tone is extremely condescending. If she has a question about a work issue, she always makes the assumption I have screwed up, which is never if rarely the case. I feel constantly gaslighted. She speaks in this manner to others too. They have expressed that to me, but is sweet when she chooses to be.

I have submitted my resignation because I just couldn’t take anymore. We have also disagreed about an office I was assigned in our newly renovated building that is tiny and freezing. Although there are many other vacant offices, she is unwilling to allow me to move. I’ve been told to wear thicker socks and hold meetings in other parts of the building as a solution.

She told me to submit my resignation letter to our new treasurer who I’ve barely met. My question is, do I throw her under the bus as she is my sole reason for resigning? Or how can I get my point across in a tactful way?

Why women love us:

Daily articles on career topics
Jobs at companies dedicated to hiring more women
Advice and support from an authentic community
Events that help you level up in your career
Free membership, always

40 comments

Share your insight

Join an authentic community that helps women support each other at work. Share your professional experience or ask for advice — you can even post anonymously.

40 Comments

Join the conversation

AnonymousMarch 1,2023 at 1:54PM UTC
I recently left due to a nearly identical situation. My manager was toxic and I couldn’t stay any longer - leaving was best for my mental health and it sounds like it will be for you too. It’s important for the organization to know why you are leaving, so you should absolutely mention the reasons. You can do it professionally, but they need to know!
AnonymousMarch 1,2023 at 2:39PM UTC
Thank you. That’s my plan.
AnonymousMarch 1,2023 at 2:05PM UTC
Hopefully there will be an opportunity for an exit interview...be professional and factual...sending positive thoughts...
AnonymousMarch 1,2023 at 2:39PM UTC
My exit interview is with the same treasurer and another manager who will undoubtedly report to my boss what was said.
Shelly EdwardsMarch 1,2023 at 2:08PM UTC
I would be honest but professional. Express what you really liked about the job, but let them know that you cannot work for someone who clearly doesn’t align with your work style or have a genuine concern for employee development and growth. I wouldn’t use the word toxic because it is overused carries a very heavy connotation with it.
AnonymousMarch 1,2023 at 2:09PM UTC
I've had to do this twice. In both instances, those involved already had complaints filed. In most cases, the organization already knows and has turned a blind eye. Just get out and don't look back.
AnonymousMarch 1,2023 at 2:52PM UTC
Agree, best you can do is file a formal complaint so that it’s put in her file (maybe anonymously if it makes you more comfortable) . I’m not sure what organizations do if enough of these pile up. Besides if she is the only reason you’re leaving, you may want to leave that door open (if she ever exits) as you seem happy there otherwise.
KatMarch 1,2023 at 2:42PM UTC
Don't bother-it won't matter to her. Most likely your co-workers know why you're leaving. I'm sure they've seen the interactions between you both and the ever present tension. Some of them might follow your lead and find other jobs now that you're gone. All a resignation letter has to say is "I'm resigning and my last day here is x". If you think something detailed will shame her or make her change her ways, it won't. If she wanted to change, she would've by now. Her passive/aggressive behavior pattern (giving you a crappy office, constant blaming, handing your resignation letter to someone else, etc.) is clear and will continue whether you (or you replacement, or your co-workers) call her on it or not. She's probably looking forward to you not being there. It's pretty obvious she's been trying to find a way to get rid of you (see above) for a while. Keep the letter short, email/give it to her and whoever else need to see it, and let it go. Focus on your future and finding a better job.
AnonymousMarch 2,2023 at 1:45PM UTC
Absolutely my thoughts exactly. And the best passive aggressive behavior is that she has been sickeningly sweet to me since I gave notice. I am the lone finance person and she needs me to finish some tasks before I leave. ?,
DebbieMarch 1,2023 at 2:52PM UTC
As its a non- profit can you not whistleblow to the trustees? ED would need to answer to them?
AnonymousMarch 2,2023 at 1:41PM UTC
Nope. There’s hardly any board left.
AnonymousMarch 2,2023 at 7:19PM UTC
This is only true on paper.
Must board and trustees of the non profits that I've worked at are only there for prestige.
AnonymousMarch 2,2023 at 8:33PM UTC
My experience is that the board members are friends of the Executive Director. And the non-profit world is very small and everyone knows each other, at least in my state. Trust me, if you cannot keep a board or staff, people watching will realize it.
Bonnie CoventryMarch 1,2023 at 2:56PM UTC
Take the higher road. If you get an exit interview you are given a platform to voice concerns. But approach that in a diplomatic way. You never know when paths will cross in the future with anyone at this organization other than your manager. This is not invalidating your concerns, you matter in being treated with the utmost respect. Know that. You are taking a stand for yourself and love that for you. Everyone's experience matters at work. Never Discount That! Good luck on your Next Journey! It's there waiting for you.
AnonymousMarch 1,2023 at 3:01PM UTC
I would turn in your resignation, and I would not throw her under the bus, keep it professional and hold your head up high when you walk out.
AnonymousMarch 1,2023 at 4:07PM UTC
Nonprofits very often serve as playgrounds for dysfunctional leaders who cannot operate in the for-profit world of business. I've found the nonprofit world is often undisciplined and unconcerned with laws, best practices and sound human resource management. This is what attracts these folks tgat cannot find employment anywhere else.
I would exit without any explanation. Nothing you can say will change or even help tge situation. It's her house....let her gave it. You do not need the grief.
AnonymousMarch 2,2023 at 3:10AM UTC
I agree. I have only work for a nonprofit once and it was the worst experience of my career. It was like some very bad soap opera. I got out of there fast.
AnonymousMarch 2,2023 at 1:40PM UTC
I’ve mostly worked in finance in the nonprofit world. What you say is absolutely true. Some are better than others but this one is the worst.
AnonymousMarch 2,2023 at 7:18PM UTC
That's so very, sadly true!
Peggie Arvidson * Career Consultant | Adoptee Advocate | RecruiterMarch 1,2023 at 4:13PM UTC
I say, just resign and move on.. If there is an HR person who asks to do an exit interview - carefully word your thoughts and let them know the pros and cons of being in that role.
And then - Glassdoor.
AnonymousMarch 1,2023 at 6:47PM UTC
Does your company conduct "Exit Interviews?" If so, that might be a great time to give examples of how "management in general" can improve their communication with staff.
Do not use names as they have a way of coming back to bite us.
AnonymousMarch 2,2023 at 1:37PM UTC
Yes and I intend to try to make my point.
AnonymousMarch 1,2023 at 8:41PM UTC
You said that others have told you that this ED speaks in this condescending manner to them as well so chances are pretty good that one or more have already complained. It's a small world, esp. in the non-profit sector. Burning a bridge by throwing her under the bus could backfire as your next job may include people this ED knows. That doesn't mean she gets a free pass. Without naming names, you could simply state that the work environment does not operate on the values of dignity and respect. They'll get the message without you having to stoop to her level.
AnonymousMarch 2,2023 at 1:36PM UTC
You make an excellent point.
Thank you, I agree.
Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistMarch 2,2023 at 1:34AM UTC
What is "your point" and what do you hope to accomplish by making it?
AnonymousMarch 2,2023 at 1:35PM UTC
I’m not really sure! I guess I want to open peoples eyes about her. The turnover should say it all. Three office managers in three years. She is the founder so I’m probably not going to get anywhere. Just need to get out.
Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistMarch 2,2023 at 5:48PM UTC
Yes - you should definitely get out.
I don't really see where your relationship with the Treasurer should matter. Just submit your short and to-the-point resignation to them.
I do not see where you really have anything to gain by throwing her under the bus. But you might have a lot to lose. You never know who knows someone at a potential new employer or when you may want to use someone she is close to as a reference. There's actually a thread on here about that right now - about someone's potential new position being torpedoed by someone from a previous position.
The chances that anything will actually change from your feedback are probably slim to none - not a good risk/reward ratio. Others can see what's happening. They know.
If you need to get it out, tell your friend or your therapist.
Listen, if they wanted to be a better organization, they'd already be one,
AnonymousMarch 2,2023 at 1:51AM UTC
Some people are pure doody and often it's best to leave before you get any on you. Likely people already know she's worse than useless but can't remove her for one reason or another (especially if she has no one over her).
Walk out like a movie character casually strolling away from an explosion - that is, without looking back at the dumpster fire you're leaving.
AnonymousMarch 2,2023 at 1:31PM UTC
She’s also the founder and was supposed to retire for the past two years. I can’t hold out any longer. She can’t keep people on the Board, so that’s telling too.
Ryann RedmondMarch 2,2023 at 1:48PM UTC
We have a saying at my company; "Bad bosses ruin lives" but I think this only happens if you let them so you are doing the right thing by resigning. I would not say anything about her unless specifically asked, especially because you do not have an established relationship with the treasurer and likely that person would not take action on your soon to be former boss. It's best to move on and if you feel compelled to, you could submit an anonymous review on Glassdoor.
AnonymousMarch 2,2023 at 1:57PM UTC
Resign and move on. More than likely plenty of employees, both current and former have already complained, it has fallen on deaf ears because she is the founder of the company. Unfortunately people like this will often run an organization into the ground, in favor of being “right” all the time. No need to point out anything else, as it probably won’t serve you in the future. Take this as a learning experience and move on.
AnonymousMarch 2,2023 at 2:37PM UTC
Good for you for leaving. This is such a common problem. But I don't think many companies care, or they'd do something about it. They introduce all these anti-harassment training videos, but look the other way when executive leadership harasses people. When a company allows this culture to continue, it's rotten to the core. You did the right thing. Maybe write something on Glassdoor that doesn't give yourself away, but that lets it be known that there is a tyrant at the helm. You may save the career life of others too.
AnonymousMarch 2,2023 at 5:38PM UTC
2 things, first the cold office. Check with a thermometer (buy a cheap one that you can put in there) the temperature. Every local region has a minimum allowable amount that an office needs to be for your safety. Check the local OSHA office for the rules. Secondly, are you leaving without a job? If this is the case you might want to sit down with her and the treasurer or to your bosses boss and let them know you are feeling forced to resign due to being in a toxic unsafe workplace. Let them know that you prefer to stay but if the behavior doesn't change you will file a workplace harassment claim with the state. I wouldn't leave because of her behavior if you truly love your job. You need to let her know that her tone and way of speaking to you is totally unacceptable and demoralizing. Unless the treasurer is in a position to help you you're basically getting a witness for her behavior. Document it as well. If you need to file for unemployment until you get a new job then you have justification for why you quit and will not be denied benefits. Good luck.
TomBooleyMarch 3,2023 at 1:21PM UTC
When I quit my previous job for the same reasons, I relayed everything about my toxic boss during the exit interview. She was demoted the next year.
Jerri WalkerMarch 3,2023 at 1:37PM UTC
I agree with TomBooley - you should relay the information in an exit interview. If you truly care about the other employees - they need to know. Keep it assigned to you. Suggest others feel the same but do not name names. But if you don't relay it to others who can fix the situation, you are just kicking the problem down the road.
AnonymousMarch 4,2023 at 12:00AM UTC
Never burn bridges unless it's absolutely necessary. Leave with the best record, including attitude you can. Thank the company for a valuable learning experience, in writing. If you must share any thoughts of why you are leaving or asked, don't put it in writing, be very verbally diplomatic. Let the employees left tell the toxic story. Your sharing how important it is for you to work in a positive work enviroment can leave them wondering - let them do the investigating. If they won't or don't, it wouldn't do any good to shade your manager
AnonymousMarch 4,2023 at 5:22AM UTC
Yeah I agree. You may need references in your future jobs from your bosses.
TomBooleyMarch 5,2023 at 9:15PM UTC
I requested a reference from my toxic boss’s boss when I moved on….
AnonymousMarch 5,2023 at 3:35AM UTC
That’ seems silly bad behavior needs to be exposed; hence, the reason it continues to exist today probably b/c no one is willing to speak up. Why would the person leaving want a referral from this toxic boss.
AnonymousMarch 6,2023 at 5:52AM UTC
There are companies where people speak up all the time - all that does is give them, the whisteblowers, a tag as a complainter, hard to work with and can hurt them and their reputation. Those really toxic places of work stay toxic. It is very rare to turn around a whole company to positive energy. Fortunately, the same can be said for a company with positive happy energy! It stays a solid positive surrounding! Negative and compaliners do not get a platform or anyone to listen to them and they move on.