Toxic Manager

9 Comments

1. AnonymousJuly 30,2024 at 3:30AM UTC

   I don't have helpful advice other than document and see if there any boundaries you can set (if that is even possible in your situation) but am empathetic to what you are going through. I had a similar experience in my last position minus the tenure you have and your awful manager has. I ended up quitting my last job and getting a new job, only to have an incompetent direct report of mine cause problems at my new job (she will be getting fired once she returns from leave though, her behavior has been too ridiculous and abusive for me not to make sure that happens).

   The interesting thing about your story is that it seems like you have a lot of people who also see this manager as a problem and you have a good reputation as well as a lot of tenure. Given these two facts, it's crazy that this is being allowed.

   You also mention that execs are hanging up on your manager and rejecting his/her meeting requests, which hopefully should work in your favor.

   It's frustrating how people like this do not get fired.

2. AnonymousJuly 30,2024 at 1:13PM UTC

   Does your company have an EAP? Call them and meet with someone who can refer you to a good therapist. I have been there, and it was SOP at the time for all people at the director level or higher. People who couldn't handle it weren't promoted or demoted. They demoted me for not doing something I felt was unethical. It turns out it was also illegal, and the CEO spent ten years in jail for it. This was before there were whistleblower protections. Today, I would hope that executives doing unethical things will think twice, but ....

3. AnonymousJuly 30,2024 at 8:08PM UTC

   I agree with the poster below. Sounds like your director and HR are on your side, higher level doesn't seem to like this person. Why are they still working there? Take comfort in knowing you have others on your side and are seeing what you see. Take the criticisms in stride but have a 1:1 meeting with them and the director. Have confidence and let her know the challenges you are facing with her way of working. You must have facts to make changes as feelings do not make change in the workplace. Continue seeking a new job but while there, make nice, do the best you can, be as pleasant as you can be, and once you are out of there, you will never have to work with the crazy bat again. Ever. Look at the future, meditate thinking what your life looked like and will look like again without this person that causes you so much stress. But do get a therapist to help you through. Imagery works very well in stressful situations. If you can dream it you can do it. Dream of being away from this person. Imagine she gets let go and you get to stay in the company that I think you like. Otherwise, dream of leaving and finding a better environment. Do your best to manifest what you seek to happen!

4. AnonymousJuly 31,2024 at 4:33AM UTC

   I’ve experienced a similar working environment and eventually had to have my doctor prescribe me anxiety medication. It wasn’t the best solution but it allowed me to function at work without panic attacks. I would start documenting everything if you haven’t already, include your director on emails and in meetings if you can since you seem to have their support.

   one thing you wrote, “HR rep and director said it will take months to address the situation” Does that mean they are working to address it at that level though? Or are they saying the easiest solution is to leave your manager in place and reassign you to another team? If they’re just going to move you but keep him on board, chances are you’ll run into them again at some point so prepare yourself.

5. AnonymousJuly 31,2024 at 12:30PM UTC

   It appears they are working on something but they also are limited on what they can tell me

6. AnonymousJuly 31,2024 at 4:42PM UTC

   Sounds like they could be building a case, either way I would try to make sure wherever they reassign you that it’s impossible for him to contact you. i had a toxic boss save my phone number and call me months after he left the company demanding I send him my raw excel that I used to use for his reports (which legally I couldn’t because it had confidential client and financial information in it) it was a huge mess

7. AnonymousJuly 31,2024 at 12:29PM UTC

   It will take months to address this? Sounds like they want you go the coaching route with this person.

   I've been here before. Coaching doesn't work. My manager was an asshole and the inly thing you can do is leave. Don't wait to find a role within the company. Start applying outside.

8. ResaJuly 31,2024 at 4:14PM UTC

   Wow! Toxic indeed!

   I agree with the other posters who suggest that you keep applying. You've worked hard over 10 years to grow your career, and maybe this is an opportunity to share your acquired knowledge with another company in which you'll have a manager who appreciates your skillset.

   In the meantime, though, definitely DOCUMENT everything. If there are boundaries crossed with you, or if you feel that this manager is targeting you, specifically, you may have grounds to call it "harassing and vexatious" behavior, which HR can actually use to put this manager on a PIP. (The minute you allege harassment, your manager, director and HR should take action to diffuse the situation, though check your employee handbook harassment section - most companies have them).

   Sending you positive energy, that you may have the strength to withstand the nonsense of this particularly toxic environment!

9. AnonymousAugust 7,2024 at 1:36PM UTC

   I'm sorry you're experiencing this. This sound really awful. If it's directly affecting your health, this is a bad sign.

   With everything you've explained, I'm not sure why your new manager is still employed there. It sounds like there is documentation and support. If HR is saying it'll take "months," I'm not sure if they want coaching or a proper investigation and to bring in legal and to see what options they have. At best, this sounds like they feel trapped and don't want to lose you.

   My advice to you is similar to others' advice.
   Document everything.
   Get a clear understanding from leadership who is in charge of tasks/ final decisions. This will help you determine your workload so you don't have to be burdened by fixing things. (You don't have to save the project or the company if they cannot help you. AND, if they decide your manager is in charge, let them be and take it as your cue to leave. Quiet quit and say things like "I'll do the best I can." with every interaction. ). If senior leadership doesn't clarify things, you make the right call for you (but absolutely do not double your workload- if you've truly documented and updated senior leadership of what is going on and they want the manager to lead- they've sealed their fate- don't let them seal yours).
   Do what you can to shore up your supports (family/friends/ EAP/therapist/ sleep- see your doctor, even get a doctor's note if you think it would help).
   Take care of you- can you work from home or take some time off.
   Phase away from the new manager as much as possible (physically, mentally, etc.). Choose to either be direct or find a way to laugh at it (I know, easy for me to say, but there is an element of the absurd in this situation if it wasn't so serious).
   Consider distancing yourself from the manager (physically, emotionally, etc.) , and perhaps calling the manager out on their crap or just hanging up ("I will not continue this conversation while you use that tone. It is unprofessional."---or even a solid, "No."). Starve out their need to be unhinged. It sounds like the manager has a domineering presence. Make sure you are not physically alone with them.
   Search for other jobs- get out of there. You deserve a place that has their act together.
   Be prepared for anything - it may get nasty (the manager may attempt to take you down), they may fire you (get all your benefits/ documents / files/ recommendations done).
   Start quiet quitting. If they said it'll take a couple months to resolve, well, perhaps pull back on the work stress until then.

   Please take care of your health. Distance, rest, get doctor's note, leave. Give yourself a deadline. If you trust the company and they said a couple of months. Fine. Pick a date (for yourself). If things don't massively improve by X date (e.g. Labor Day), you're leaving (or taking long vacation prior to). I say this because I have seen some colleagues never recover from this. Their bodies just didn't have the (physical/ mental) bounce back they had hoped (even though the toxic manager left). You never know.

   You may have spent too long growing your career for this, but don't burn yourself out at a company that doesn't recognize that. A career can span different companies. (Maybe they'll do the right thing and investigate/ correct things- and if they do, you deserve a break then too).

   Good luck!