I want to leave my PhD program

18 Comments

1. BeaBoss979975September 15,2022 at 6:32PM UTC

   Give it a chance. It sounds like you are homesick and haven't been there long enough to make friends and a place for yourself. You aren't wasting your time; you are learning new information, skills, and life skills.

2. Regina BrownSeptember 15,2022 at 6:39PM UTC

   It does sound like you are missing home a little bit or having a little burnout? You are getting your PhD...how is that a waste of your early 20's?!?!? You're already ahead of the game.

   Find and make some new friends at this school and enjoy yourself!! I don't think you will regret anything, Honey!!

3. JJSeptember 15,2022 at 6:53PM UTC

   Oh gosh this is hard but I think you gotta stick it out. Can you visit home? Can your family come. Can you do Zoom dinners? It will be hard but worth it in the long run.

4. Crystal HowellSeptember 15,2022 at 6:54PM UTC

   The world is your oyster, Make it happen, where ever you want to land. You paid your dues!

5. AnonymousSeptember 15,2022 at 7:04PM UTC

   Keep at it. Besides being homesick, you might have a a case of FOMO , fear of missing out. I went through in my 20s and would leave jobs quickly, the minute I was not challenged or got boring, would not give them a try. You are not wasting your time in a tiny town, you are getting an education to land bigger and better opportunities.

6. AnonymousSeptember 15,2022 at 7:10PM UTC

   get a part time job

7. Kimberley Ferretti HammettSeptember 15,2022 at 7:45PM UTC

   I don't have an answer for you but hopefully I can give you a helpful way to reframe your situation.

   You have at least 2 (probably a lot more actually) opposing options. Just because they are opposing, does not mean there is right and wrong. You don't have one right option, you have TWO right options, you just need to decide what is the MOST right for you right now. And allow yourself the grace knowing that you can't possibly know the outcome until you're there. So if you choose one path and it feels wrong, that's ok and you're not stuck on it. You can pivot.

   Also, what are options for both? Is there a study abroad program that you could take classes in some other cool city next semester? Would they allow you to work an internship elsewhere for a semester? Maybe dipping your toe out of the program for a few months will help you figure out if you need to stay or go and open doors to see other opportunities out there or just "get it out of your system" so you feel like you've experienced some of what you're looking for and you're ready to settle down for the next semester.

   It can be difficult to have multiple great options but hopefully you can take a moment to see it with gratitude. "I have a lot of opportunity in front of me and no matter what I pick I will be ok and make the best of it".

   I hope that helps.

8. Gretchen SkalkaSeptember 15,2022 at 7:49PM UTC

   Is it just the location or the program time commitment combined with the program location, Maya?

   If the location alone is the issue, some PhD programs allow for transfer during a certain window. As you're very new into the program, it could be a worthwhile exercise to explore.

   If the location and program time commitment are the issue - some programs also allow for a deferral period. Another avenue to explore if it's one your program offers.

   Before deciding to chuck it and leave or stay and suffer - explore these two possibilities to see if there's a way to achieve your goal while honoring your heart.

9. AnonymousSeptember 15,2022 at 8:47PM UTC

   focus on your studies and less on the aesthetics.
   Just get it done and leave when ur done. 2yrs will be a blink

10. Kimberley Ferretti HammettSeptember 16,2022 at 1:53PM UTC

    While this is a valid option I think, whether intended or not, this reply could come off a little pointed and accusatory. I want to ensure the original poster that enjoyment of your life is not as simple or shallow as aesthetics and it's understandable. Personally, my father-in-law passed too soon, right as his years of hard work were starting to give him room to enjoy his life and look forward to retirement. When you see that happen, it becomes difficult to balance making smart decisions that invest in a better future without unnecessarily delaying enjoyment to a future you're not guaranteed.

    A PHD program at a great school is incredibly valuable and will certainly give you greater opportunity for your future. Investigate your feelings deeply. Is your dissatisfaction based on what your see others doing with this time in their life and the juxtaposition of what your life looks like now or do you think you would have difficulty even making it through your program due to your needs not being fulfilled. It has only been a month so I think giving it more thought, time, and trying to find a way to give yourself a little release (maybe a weekend trip with friends?) might give you more clarity.

11. AnonymousSeptember 16,2022 at 9:00PM UTC

    Sorry accusatory in what way? Many people work hard to get into a phd program in a competitive school and don’t make the cut. She made a decision to go there. I’m only commenting based on her reason for wanting to leave…..that it is a boring town. I didn’t see any other reason about a ill family member. If her only reason is that the town is boring and nothing to do, I meant exactly what I said, 2yrs or however long her program is will go by pretty fast so just stick with it and move once done. Not seeing or getting the accusatory part. Sometimes young adults In their early 20s make irrational judgement that they regret later in life. She even alluded to that at the end of her post. So that is precisely what I was speaking to

12. Kimberley Ferretti HammettSeptember 19,2022 at 2:08PM UTC

    I don't think you intended it but I'm pointing out that it can definitely be read that way. She mentioned she hadn't had the chance to enjoy being young up to this point in her life so now that she's found some freedom from the family issues that held her back she's feeling held back by her decision to go through this PHD program.

    "Sometimes young adults In their early 20s make irrational judgement that they regret later in life."

    While at face value that's true, in this context a person in their early 20's who is juggling a tough decision and feeling really miserable is likely to find that a little judgmental and off-putting, like they are being painted as a vapid irresponsible child. Even if you meant the best, personally that's how the comment felt to me so my comment wasn't to insult you in any way, I just wanted to reassure the original poster that they shouldn't judge themselves for wanting to enjoy their life but to give it a lot of thought and more time before making a move.

13. AnonymousSeptember 19,2022 at 9:00PM UTC

    Some posters have a tough love approach on this site and sometimes it is needed. If it is not your style that is great. It is good to have a mix since that is what diversity is all about.

    If I had a child who’s is a young adult where I just spent 20k or more on a phd to help them get enrolled in, I would be responding in the same way. That conclusion should have been drawn and thought thru before taking on the program. So like another poster wrote, she should just buckle down and finish.

    The only other alternative I can think of for her is to determine whether the phd has an online option to where she does not have to stay in the same state of the school. And if that is the case, that would give her the option to move to a preferred location while still completing the degree. The other thing to think about is to weigh her options, does she really need the phd for her career track? If not and she and whoever helped her pay for her initial year can make peace with the money or loan already taken out then great.

14. AnonymousSeptember 16,2022 at 1:46AM UTC

    Wow! Congratulations on getting into a PHD program! That is truly an accomplishment.

    one thought.. not sure what the family stuff was..has it been resolved? Are you ready to move on from that enough to focus on your studies? Does your school offer counseling to talk about your feelings? This may or may it be useful to you.

    For me, looking back,education is gold. Knowledge is power in whatever career you go into.

    Also, having a PhD is likely to help you start out great in the field of your choosing.

    if family isn’t as close to you do you have a mentor at the school you’re at or the school you came from to send updates and to thank them for their impact on you and to create a connection? One recommendation is to find women mentors you feel comfortable to share how you’re doing and to talk about your accomplishments, especially if you feel you aren’t getting that from home.

    I wish you good luck in whatever you do. Thanks for sharing your story with us!! Hope to hear how it goes!

15. AnonymousSeptember 16,2022 at 1:39PM UTC

    Congratulations on getting into a PhD program! These spots are very hard to obtain so you have made a huge step right there. Moving to a small town may seem to be a drag right now because it is new but give it a chance. Small towns have a lot to offer and they need new ideas from outsiders like you. Getting a job or even doing some community service will help you to feel more engaged there and meet some of the town's people. That alone may allow you to feel more comfortable and engaged which will make your studies more enjoyable, also.

    I do think talking to someone at the school, maybe a counselor or advisor, is a great move to see if they can help you adjust or suggest an area of the town where your studies may prove helpful and provide you with excellent experience and additional skills to sell yourself later.

    You have made a decision to get your PhD so it must have been important to you. Go for it and don't look back. The future is in your hands now so try to work through this period, get that amazing education and take advantage of the opportunity that has been presented to you. You will be so proud of that doctorate and all that goes along with it. Blessings as you continue to work through this.

16. AnonymousSeptember 16,2022 at 2:50PM UTC

    Buckle down, finish the PhD.

    Everyone thinks that they are missing out on some great life, somewhere else. That is a fantasy.

    Your reality is, get it done. Then, move on.

17. KatSeptember 16,2022 at 3:59PM UTC

    You should be proud of yourself for getting into a PhD program, especially a competitive one! There had to be a reason you chose this program over others, whether it was because of the faculty, the focus area, or other reasons. I say give it a chance before calling it quits entirely. Talk to your faculty advisor and let them know you're struggling to adjust. They might be able to help you find a job or connect you with some peers so you don't feel so isolated and out of place. Many schools have PhD/grad student support groups, so see if your school has one. It might help you see a counselor, as mental health is just as important as physical health when being in a competitive, stressful degree program. Find out if you can do any parts of the program remotely (so you could live in a bigger city) or part time to make the work load more manageable. That way you could get a part time job and focus on something besides academics. At least give it a semester, if not two. If you're still unhappy or unsure that this program/career path is for you, then think about what your alternative paths are.

18. Arlene Frances Gottardo (Bryak)September 17,2022 at 1:46PM UTC

    TALK to someone before making a big decision like that, please.