Feeling disrespected

33 Comments

1. Rebeca EvantashApril 18,2022 at 4:54PM UTC

   I am sorry this happened, especially was you are only just returning to the office from maternity leave.

   I would suggest not saying anything today and seeing if you hear from your supervisor by the end of the day. Go home and express your frustration to a friend or partner. I would also jot down the responsibilities you have and examples of when you have been successful and what goals you are working towards.

   Try to get some sleep - and maybe you will feel calmer in the morning.

   Then tomorrow, I would send an email with something simple: "I would like to schedule a time to discuss my roles or responsibilities. Do you have time to meet with me at x?"

   Assuming that they schedule the meeting, go in to listen. If you feel emotional, or argumentative I would say that you will absorb xyz and will get back to them.

   Then as a follow-up, you can either use your examples to fight for the role you have/want, or maybe you will be pleased with what's been offered after you have time to reflect.

   If there's ambiguity, you have your list, and I would be prepared to explain why you would like to continue with the work you are doing and why it's good for the company.

   I work through things best when I have a moment to process and usually have a more clear POV the next morning. Good luck!

2. Dawn S. CrossApril 18,2022 at 6:14PM UTC

   First off - accept that change is hard. We are supposed to go with the flow, but when it is unexpected it is hard.

   Next, accept that your prior manager either couldn’t or wouldn’t tell you what is happening. Sometimes that happens. Sucky, but happens.

   Third, make sure your projects are in a good place. Send an email to your new manager and copy in your prior manager. Let the new manager know you are excited to work with them, thank the old manager for what they have helped you with and then, let the new manager know high-level where you stand on your projects and see if s/he would like to meet with you to review what is going on.

   This let’s your new manager know you are a team player and your prior manager know that you are open to moving on (with no warning).

   Good luck!

3. AnonymousApril 18,2022 at 6:58PM UTC

   I think once the dust settles you will see things more clearly. Yes you would have like to have heard ahead of time. I get that your feelings are hurt.

   But think about your goal in letting everyone one know your disappointment. Will it change anything? No. Did they tell you? Yes through a staff email. Not ideal but they didn't feel you were entitled to know before the group.

   Your concerns were not solicited so I would tread lightly unless you feel the structure concerns you have are of a nature that were not considered by management or unique and should be shared at a very high level.

4. AnonymousApril 19,2022 at 12:26PM UTC

   Congratulate the generalist who was promoted, highlight the work you have been doing, and express your excitement to work together (cc the former manager). There was a time when I had 10 (yes, really) manager changes in approximately 18 months. Best course of action is keep doing a great job and be recognized for this vs. complaining that you weren't told beforehand. This is not always possible as others are privy to bigger picture changes that can't be communicated until a certain given time. Let your work speak for you!

5. AnonymousApril 19,2022 at 12:37PM UTC

   Tough love from someone who overreacted after returning from maternity leave... Don't take this personally because it's not about you or a slight/oversight. Ride it out for a while and see what's happening. Change happens and while we'd all like to be consulted, it doesn't or can't always happen. Not every decision can be shared ahead of a formal announcement for many reasons, some legal, depending on your company.

   When a management change happens, it still takes time for the dust to settle, for managers to hand off responsibilities, etc. Your manager may not be telling you because they don't know. You asked them and they said they didn't know, so don't make assumptions that it's personal. In the end, as your role is same, I'd keep focused there.

6. AnonymousApril 19,2022 at 12:59PM UTC

   Same thing happened to me, I came back from maternity leave and I was reporting to a brand new manager without warning or explanation. The company went through a reorganization when I was due back and no one knew “anything” of who was going to report to whom. For me, I did not like the new manager so I posted out internally to another position. Coming back from maternity leave is so emotional and you already have a million other things on your head, I wouldn’t sweat this. One thing I learned through out my career is that your boss, coworkers aren’t really your friends so don’t take things too personally. I would also consider maybe taking a new job once your ready. I went to a brand new job a few weeks after I came back and that was so stressful, learning a new job and having a baby at home, I would not recommend drastic changes so fast, I would wait it out.

7. Stephanie ChernoffApril 19,2022 at 12:59PM UTC

   I might choose a different word than "disappointed". Maybe "It was a bit disconcerting to find out that I'm now reporting to someone different through a company-wide restructuring email."

   To be honest, if HR handles its own people this way, it would definitely give me pause about the organization as a whole.

8. AnonymousApril 19,2022 at 1:03PM UTC

   I had to re-read your message, here, a couple of times to sort out the details. I can tell you are feeling emotional about all of this by how you've described this scenario to us. Take a deep breath. You are just getting back from maternity leave, and this is NOT PERSONAL. (I am writing/speaking as a woman who returned to work, much responsibility, four times- I'm a mother of four). I am your friend here, so hear me out. Alot happens when we are off on maternity leave. Alot has been going on while you were away. You're stepping back into a familiar but 'not familiar' territory. I know how this feels. It's all new but old but new again. :) At the same time, my honest vibe is that your (now former) HR manager, who you reported to....didn't really know any more than you about any of this. This individual is likely being jacked around, just like you. And I want to encourage you to look at this more globally...this is NOT personal against you. There's alot of chaos happening, and your former manager is one of the victims. Don't personalize any of this. Just put your chin up and move forward. It sounds like no one else "really" knew what was truly going on either. And even if they did, so what?? You're back from leave and it's time to press on. Things have changed while you were off, but that happens to all of us. I remember the feeling. After a few weeks, you'll be back in the saddle again. Promise.

9. Wanda ShawApril 19,2022 at 1:22PM UTC

   Absolutely love your post. Yes, when it comes to company reorganization and other goings on, nothing is static, at least not if the company is experiencing growing pains or trying to adjust or adapt just to keep up, which many of them are. I remember going on vacation once, only to get back to the office and find a function of my job had been altered. I was taken aback at first, but as time went on, realized it was for the best, and went on.

10. AnonymousApril 19,2022 at 1:32PM UTC

    Decisions on this level need to be kept confidential in some circumstances. Your manager wasn't at liberty to loop you in and had to deflect your question. Possible your managers role was being changed too and maybe not for the good, but needed to keep those reasons from you. Don't take it personal, nothing good will come from it.

    You can say, to your last manager, that you understand that this decision was made and needed to be confidential till the whole team knew. Shows you understand how things happen, instead of feeling left out.

    The better you are at taking news, especially when it comes to organizational announcements, shows that you are a team player, whatever happens, count on me, I may not understand but that's not my place, but my place is to say, go team, let's get to work!

    Attitude is everything. When things like this happen, your attitude will be noticed and it will either hurt you or help you. Your choice.

11. AnonymousApril 19,2022 at 2:49PM UTC

    Total agreement… this is some great advice. But…curious/frustrated/raging with unfairness… this isn’t really that unique; where staffing changes are confidential until announced publicly. But it is really crummy… one person will have a new reporting manager, to act like that isn’t something that person should get a heads up is to act like that isn’t a coherent person with any right to know (or god forbid decide) who they work directly for.

    that new manager isn’t getting a laptop assigned to them, it’s a person, why can’t orgs treat them accordingly?

12. AnonymousApril 19,2022 at 6:56PM UTC

    Agree. I went through 6 reporting changes in 3 years working for an organization known for a “mean girl” culture. Yet they always called me or found me and met with me before hitting send. One time they even texted me to leave a high-level meeting to take the call. The one time they missed someone (on vacation) they apologized publicly in an all-staff. If it’s important the org. will find a way to do it.

13. AnonymousApril 19,2022 at 2:29PM UTC

    Sorry you are feeling blind sided. I agree with most of the advice here. It is, however, unclear what your role is and whether or not you believe you were passed over for the promotion. In any event, I would consider the wholistic environment. Perhaps this isn’t the first time they have done things like this. If so, it is worth noting, but I don’t think it’s worth telling people you’re disappointed. From what you’ve described it sounds like many people are. I would focus on getting clarity from the new boss, but I am not one to be fake. If you’re not excited, don’t be. Just be inquisitive - after all, you just got back.

14. AnonymousApril 19,2022 at 2:42PM UTC

    There’s a good chance your boss didn’t know or even was not on board with the restructure. Deep breath. Even though it’s entirely about you, it likely has little to do with you.

15. AnonymousApril 19,2022 at 2:44PM UTC

    Swallowing your disappointment and riding things out for now is likely your best option. However, if you are given the opportunity for anonymous feedback, tactfully point out that while reporting changes happen, they are best communicated one-on-one to those directly impacted prior to a company -wide announcement. With staff turnover being so high, HR needs to up their game on staff engagement and personal touches.

16. AnonymousApril 19,2022 at 3:23PM UTC

    I empathize with how you’re feeling. However, I’ve learned that expecting personal engagement and support from a company will never bring anything but frustration. One of the most toxic and persistently oppressive aspects of corporate culture is the expectation of loyalty because companies can’t be loyal to everyone in return.

    As another commenter pointed out, there are a lot of reasons why you probably couldn’t be looped in. In my experience, mid-level leadership, those who manage frontline managers and report to VPs or C-execs are constantly in tough positions where they have to make decisions that are unfair to at least some people. Despite it feeling unfair and personal, it likely wasn’t - just unfortunate.

17. AnonymousApril 19,2022 at 3:47PM UTC

    The days of "being thankful to have a job" are long gone. It's a seller's market and more companies will continue to spin their wheels if they don't wake up to this simple fact.

18. AnonymousApril 23,2022 at 8:00PM UTC

    This is true….and it’s a good thing. I’ve always been a company gal, loyal to my employers, but maybe should have been more loyal to myself.

19. AnonymousApril 19,2022 at 4:52PM UTC

    I am offering a different perspective than the others.

    First of all, out of courtesy, each impacted employee should have had a meeting prior to the communication. That is unprofessional on the company’s part. You should not have been blindsided—no employee should.

    It’s hard to say what your old boss knew or didn’t know before. They may have known but been instructed to remain quiet. That happens, too.

    Since you can’t put any of this back in the horse, my best advice is move forward with your new boss by setting up a meeting to understand their expectations of you and what’s next. Give it some time and remember, you can start to look if you’re not happy.

    best to you

20. Rosa GoesApril 19,2022 at 9:05PM UTC

    I agree. The best advise is to move forward and set expectations with the new boss. This keeps you focused and not sucked into the emotional roller coaster.

21. AnonymousApril 20,2022 at 5:12AM UTC

    I completely agree. THIS was the answer I was hoping would be given to the OP.

22. E CApril 19,2022 at 5:44PM UTC

    I found out in a staff meeting that I would be reporting to my boss's boss going forward. My previous boss knew it might happen but was as blindsided as I was. In our case, it wasn't personal, but it was a symptom of a culture that allowed a director to make decisions on a whim, with little oversight or accountability. That might not be your situation, but it is always wise to keep your eyes open.

23. Karen GongawareApril 19,2022 at 7:54PM UTC

    Watch your emotional responses. It is business and they let you know through email. It isn't the old boss's job to say anything to you. The new boss did in an email. Get your boundaries back up at work, do what you do best, and then go home to your new sweetheart. Be happy.

24. GirlBossanova934974April 19,2022 at 9:04PM UTC

    Here's a thought though in the minority viewpoint. It is very likely the head of HR was told to keep the promotion and the person being promoted under wraps until the official announcement. If I were running the company, that is probably what I would do. The last thing you want is the gossip wire or grapevine being used as your unofficial line of company news, rather than the HR department. This should be seen as affecting the entire company, not just a handful of people. Perhaps as an opportunity for improvement, the company should have gotten the news out in an official fashion before any team meetings and such. HR moves kind of slow in some cases. Leaking out details in small amounts is not the way things should be done. I have seen a lot worse than this though. Employees being fired on a WED night at 4PM and employees not finding out about it until the next day on their own. NOT the way things should be done.

25. AnonymousApril 21,2022 at 6:12PM UTC

    I would think the last thing you want is your employees to feel like a piece of equipment.

    You reassign laptops without respect or regard, not humans. I get that this is how it’s often done, makes it no less disrespectful.

26. AnonymousApril 19,2022 at 10:34PM UTC

    These type of situations happen all the time. That you just came back from being off an extended period of time may leave you feeling left out of the loop.

    How has your interaction been with your new supervisor? Is your former supervisor still at a level over you? If so, then I would be very careful how you word your disappointment, if you decide to do so.

    Honestly, it may be time to reassess your own position and let management know where you want to go in the organization. Have a conversation about your career advancement with HR if necessary, or decide to find another position with a firm that will appreciate what you bring to the table. Can you live with the "disrespect" you feel? Or would you rather move on?

27. Deb Lewis from Mentally Tough WomenApril 20,2022 at 4:52AM UTC

    When in doubt, give the benefit of doubt.
    What you are thinking could be factually correct and pursuing it entirely wrong for achieving what you want looking ahead. Here’s another option and you might have an even better idea once you hear it.

    Another possible option.
    Ask to meet with your old boss because you have something to ask them. Then when it happens say, “I asked you privately if I would be reporting to someone else on Monday and you said "I don't know". This Monday the whole company gets an announcement about promotions and the HR Manager announcement defines that it will be overseeing my function. I’m wondering “what changed?”

    Based on their answer, and without showing any emotion, say something to the effect of “I see, and if you were me, what would you recommend I do next given… (talk about about the structure and how you’ve been working on tons of high-level projects).” You might even add “I wonder, if you were me, how would you be feeling/or…what would you be thinking right now given what happened since I returned to work?”

    My experience is most people will never own up they did anything wrong. When you get upset enough to fume or claim cowardice, I would say for your own health, that of your family and co- workers is to hold onto your best, focus on what you want looking forward, and ask your questions accordingly.

    BTW Most of my bosses were horrible and yet, I found it great practice and gained strength every time I held onto my best. Every time I fell back into getting angry, upset, and shared it with anyone else… it set me back and I had to spend a ton of effort and precious time recovering from the mess I created. Blessings to you and good luck!

28. AnonymousApril 20,2022 at 6:45PM UTC

    They're not usually allowed to tip off employees when things like this are brewing.

    After you cool off, find a way to thank your manager for being a great boss. You may need a recommendation later!

29. AnonymousApril 21,2022 at 6:19PM UTC

    I certainly empathize with you, especially as it relates to your former supervisor saying nothing to you even after the news was out. Perhaps as others said, this person was told not to say anything. However, because of your prior relationship with this person, he/she certainly could have come to you to express regret or simply say something to acknowledge the change in your reporting structure. There is a level of disrespect displayed here, because if the roles were reverse, this person probably would have expected some type of prior notice before the announcement was made. Nevertheless, stay strong and focused on your ultimate goal. I pray this change in your reporting structure works in your favor. Peace and blessings!

30. AnonymousApril 22,2022 at 2:59PM UTC

    Thank you.. this is pretty much how I'm seeing it now. Granted it's been a busy week but, it's Friday now and neither the old or new boss has YET to say a word to me. It is a level insecurity on their part to have the conversation in the first place.

    Also, there's a lot I left out to protect my anonymity but a big part of my job is succession planning and promotion readiness and I've been back for months, this didn't happen over a couple of weeks. So the fact that I never had even a little conversation about this leading up to it is strange.

    But now... I guess it is what it is. I'm going to make the best of it and put a meeting on the calendar to ask what this means for my projects and how to move forward. I'm also kindof looking at this job more objectively and considering my options.. I prefer a level of professionalism and respect courage so, while not devastating, this put a bad taste in my mouth.

31. AnonymousApril 22,2022 at 10:11PM UTC

    I've had this happen. I had a higher up position in our Healthcare System and the hospital vice president oh, to whom I reported for a few years, just dropped off the radar and I got an email from a lower-level manager saying I was reporting to her. Super super disrespectful and lazy and a whole lot of other things. Play your cards very carefully but these might be smoke signals

32. AnonymousApril 23,2022 at 1:51AM UTC

    Yes, it does seem very curious that you were on this career path in your position, prior to going out on maternity leave, a path that would lead to upper mobility. Then you return, and things have changed without giving you the courtesy of a face-to-face meeting to provide you with some answers, especially since you and your position were directly impacted by their "behind the scenes" decision-making. Definitely use the weekend to begin to develop a plan of action. I certainly believe you deserve answers. You seem very professional and level-headed, so I am sure that however you decide to approach your former and current bosses, you'll do so in a way that will provide the best possible outcome for you. Wishing you much luck!

33. AnonymousMay 2,2022 at 1:42PM UTC

    Business without drama. Keep it to yourself- Don’t let people know your weakness or your sensitivities. . Keep your eyes wide open, Don’t let them know your bothered. This sounds like the culture of business there.

    There are no guarantees.Your in the game. Do your best. Cover your ***. Don’t burn any bridges and look for other opportunities. This is business not your fam & friends. These next few years are going to get rough in the economy. Keep your finances tight , love your new baby / family appreciate all that you have at this moment-

    Think out of the box…..

    Think how can I do my job as a consultant on my own 3-5 yrs -