Coworker keeps picking on me?

44 Comments

1. AnonymousSeptember 5,2024 at 4:34PM UTC

   As soon as he does that, casually and perhaps lightheartedly jump in and set the record straight. Maybe something like, “Oh, Bill. There you go again, telling tall tales. Ha ha ha ha!” I don’t know. Hopefully you get what I mean. If you let it ride now, he will most definitely keep going, and we have no idea how far he’ll take it as time goes on. (For whatever it’s worth, I’m speaking from experience.)

2. AnonymousSeptember 5,2024 at 4:36PM UTC

   Just say "I'm not sure if bill's jokes make me laugh or cry"

3. AnonymousSeptember 6,2024 at 1:52PM UTC

   This one ☝️ I worked in an environment like this, and at first it was confusing. I’m also someone who can throw playful punches, but it’s always a bit scary when you’re new. Overtime, I integrated well and gave it back tenfold, but she should definitely test those waters first ? and obviously anything that makes anyone uncomfortable is not okay.

4. AnonymousSeptember 5,2024 at 4:47PM UTC

   You have to start giving it back to him like the others have said. I believe he is just wanting to jest with you a little bit. That could just be his way of 'breaking the ice'. I don't think it is malicious. Talk to him if he keeps doing it and tell him that you aren't comfortable with it.

5. AnonymousSeptember 5,2024 at 4:57PM UTC

   If it bothers you, address it directly with him. "You know, I realize you are trying to be funny, but I do not appreciate being the butt of a joke. Please quit making those comments."

6. AnonymousSeptember 5,2024 at 5:56PM UTC

   First, speak with your manager. Document each time and note the date, the meeting you were in and to whom the remark was said. Then let your manager know, that you have a great sense of humor as well, but the remarks are not coming across professionally, and they are marking the offender as unprofessional. And these are remarks you have never said. Hopefully your manager will guide you. From experience, managers do not like confrontation and will take up for the offender by making excuses. So what I've done is talk with the person directly and let them know, you know, I've got a pretty good sense of humor but I've noticed you are making comments to our customers (for example) that are not anything that I've said. I find them to be inappropriate. I value your experience here and appreciate learning from you, but would you mind not saying those things? Or, when they say it use what another poster said, well, "there he goes telling tall tales again. What a great story teller he is." What he is doing is being passive aggressive. With that, nip it in the bud and have a call with him prior to the customer call and tell him. Be prepared, this person is passive aggressive and will say something that may sound like this, well, Susie hates it when I make fun of her XYZ, for example. I've been there. Nip it and if you have to nip it with the customer online do it. He's a twit if you ask me. And very self unaware. Keep us posted!

7. AnonymousSeptember 5,2024 at 6:38PM UTC

   Passive aggressive people are always "nice enough" from the outside but you have to ask yourself what he gains by his behavior? He is most definitely motivate by personal gain.

   Protect yourself by documenting and alerting as many people as possible.

8. AnonymousSeptember 5,2024 at 6:58PM UTC

   Wow. Thats so weird and passive aggressive.

   If the comments come over email, I’d reply only to him (or maybe reply all if it’s internal), and say something like “why do you think I’m mad? It’s not Graphic Designer’s fault that the file corrupted and turned everything green!” He’ll likely give the just joking line and then you can tell him to stop.

   If it’s in a meeting with others, and he says something like that, I’d maybe respond with something a little pointed, like “what a strange thing to say, since we haven’t spoken at all yet today and the weather is quite sunny!” I also like the “tall tales” line.

   I would also be sure to document these instances because, again, it’s weird and passive aggressive, and could start affecting your relationships with others, and you might have to move it up the chain.

9. KatSeptember 5,2024 at 7:20PM UTC

   You're not being too sensitive. This will damage your reputation at the new job. His behavior is weird and passive aggressive. Don't let the comments slide or laugh it off. That will only encourage him to continue because then he'll think you're ok with it. He might think he's being funny, or that it's a form of hazing for the new person. Either way, it needs to stop now. Tell him directly that he needs to stop making these comments. Email your supervisor (and his if needed) to document this. If he does it in a meeting, address it directly. State you don't know what he's talking about and to stop making things up. If it's by email, follow up directly with the person (and copy your boss) to set the record straight. If he accuses you of being "too sensitive" or not being able to take a joke, tell him that lying isn't funny. Keep your tone professional and even when you discuss this, although it may be difficult to do so. His boss should tell him to knock it off. Even if the boss doesn't do anything, keep pushing back. Set that boundary and show you're not going to let this go. Hoping he gets tired of looking like a fool and stops doing this.

10. Sandy PochapinSeptember 5,2024 at 7:36PM UTC

    I would come back with "Oh, so and so, you're such a kidder!" And I'd say that every time he says something that's made up. He's probably just trying to be funny.

11. AnonymousSeptember 6,2024 at 1:35PM UTC

    That's my thinking also. I had a co-worker who did this type of thing and everyone knew he was joking.

12. AnonymousSeptember 5,2024 at 9:27PM UTC

    I replied previously and suggested you document everything and he is passive aggressive. You are not being overly sensitive at all. I agree with others, this is weird and definitely passive aggressive. I have enjoyed reading other's thoughts on your situation. I've had managers do that to me. It still happens today. For example, a female manager held up a shirt we were considering purchasing and said, well, no one in this office can wear that. I simply said, speak for yourself and walked away. Remember people sometimes project their insecurities on others. I think your colleague is perhaps threatened by you for some reason and makes these comments to inflate his ego. He's the only one inflating it. Talk with your manager, and maybe it's uncomfortable at first, but let them know, you know, I am really happy here but the oddest comments are being made to our client in our calls with "XYZ joe schmoe guy" and I'm really concerned how this is coming across to our client. Would you guide me a bit on this behavior as this is not what I signed up for.

13. Sandy PochapinSeptember 6,2024 at 8:26PM UTC

    I love your suggested wording for the conversation with her manager.

14. AnonymousSeptember 6,2024 at 8:56PM UTC

    Thanks! I had a supervisor for a minute until he was removed who said to me, don't give me any lip. I'm from the south, it's a southern saying that maybe my father would have said. I pulled a Julia Sugerbaker (google her) on him and made sure it didn't happen again. It didn't.

15. AnonymousSeptember 6,2024 at 1:48AM UTC

    In writing? Address that behavior with them directly, share on how that makes you feel and ask those remarks to stop. Take note of when said chat was had, possibly following up with an email, thanking them for their time and understanding, etc. THEN if it continues you go to your manager, etc. That is unprofessional behavior in a company email communication. Handle it.

16. AnonymousSeptember 6,2024 at 2:16AM UTC

    Since he did it in front of your manager, I think you can directly address it with them. I would tell the manager that you did not actually complain about the rain and found it odd that your coworker said that during the team meeting. You can also add that you are concerned it will damage your reputation. This is weird and a little bit misogynistic that the coworker is presenting a female coworker as out of control and emotional randomly. I am not sure what he thinks he is doing but even if it is, in his brain 'just joking', the reality is that he is presenting you as overly emotional which is not acceptable or funny. And if he does not stop, it could cost you work relationships. Because really who wants to work with the "complainer" or the "furious" one.

17. Audrey AlbiniSeptember 6,2024 at 2:43AM UTC

    This is very strange behavior. Id address it with him, let your manager know what's going on. Don't let him start gaslighting you, either.

    Its hard to tell if he thinks it's harmless joking or not, but either way it isn't it could damage your working relationship with coworkers

18. JB09718September 6,2024 at 4:36AM UTC

    I would approach it two ways

    1) directly with your coworker when he makes the comment, I wouldn’t feel comfortable shutting him down in an angry way but just like a deadpan “I didn’t say that?” and confusion. After a few times if he still keeps doing it, have a serious talk.

    2) bring it up to your manager, I wouldn’t schedule a separate meeting over it but definitely during a sync up. Maybe he’s trying to be funny and manager knows this is his sense of humor? Either way, get ahead of it now before he does it with customers and it turns into a bigger issue

19. GirlBossanova934974September 6,2024 at 12:54PM UTC

    Wow. This one is so simple to solve. Your coworker wants ATTENTION and is using your name to get it. He hasn't got the guts to speak up himself. A real people pleaser type with the spine of a jellyfish on a 3 week vacation....SO, I would just email the graphic designer and CC the jellyfish that I am not furious and don't know where the jellyfish got that info. After your TEAMS meeting, I would notify your supervisor that I never said XYZ and perhaps she might have a word with the party in question? PANDERING FOR ATTENTION can be costly to one's career and the sooner your coworker discovers this, the nonsense will end.

20. Paulla Fetzek, MSEdSeptember 6,2024 at 1:17PM UTC

    Hello!

    I'm sorry this is happening. He could also be projecting. He may be taking his own feelings and throwing them to you in an effort to speak his mind without repercussion. He could also be extremely insecure and to make himself feel better he throws his negativity your way. Or, because you're the "newbie" he's trying to make himself look better - unfortunately at your expense.

    I don't feel you're being sensitive. No one has the right to speak on your behalf without your consent - especially if what they're saying is wrong.

    Regarding the weather comment, you could say something like, "I don't recall say that. What were we talking about when I said that?"

    Or, in that email to the designer you could add , "I was never upset. How did you get the impression I was?"

    If you don't feel comfortable talking to him, you could craft an email. In it you could write something like, "I've noticed on a few different occasions where you've made an offhand comment about something I've said or done. However, I don't recall ever saying or doing those things. Further, to me these comments have been negative in nature which can paint me in a bad light. Is there something I'm misunderstanding?"

    If he fires back with "I was only joking" you can counter with, "You might have been, but who would know that besides you?"

    If he says, "Oh, you can't take a joke" you can counter with, "Not when I don't know it's a joke and certainly not at my expense."

    You could also bring all of this up to your supervisor and bypass him. Present it as "this is how I perceive" because he could very well be joking.

    Regardless of his intent or purpose - your perceptions are valid and he needs to understand that whatever he's doing isn't something you find acceptable.

21. Maggie StoneSeptember 6,2024 at 1:22PM UTC

    Well, it appears that he is attempting to be friendly, flirty, chatty, or gossipy. But it is weird and annoying. I would be assertive and say “This is the blank time you have offered unsolicited personal comments about my mood/mental state/attitude. I feel frustrated because I will speak up for myself if needed and I don’t appreciate someone else speaking for me. I am not sure where you get your information. I am not sure Just curious about why. Please don’t make these comments in the future.” If that doesn’t work, then you escalate

22. AnonymousSeptember 6,2024 at 1:23PM UTC

    what a turd. I would say, "we have never disgusted the weather" or just say that is not true. call him out

23. AnonymousSeptember 6,2024 at 1:28PM UTC

    I know that feeling. I had to leave my job because of it became to toxic and vial. Where all groups and people acting like children

24. AnonymousSeptember 6,2024 at 1:43PM UTC

    You’re smart. The guy is an ass and trying to demean you. He probably does this to others and kisses butt to higher ups. He’s dangerous if you let him get away with it and dangerous if you confront him directly. If you have a friendly relationship with him keep him at arms distance with banter. The next time he speaks for you in front of others make a joke of it. For instance talking about complaining about the weather implies to people that you two are buddies and have fun chats which you probably do not. You could say something southern and charming like “ah I wish I had the luxury of complaining about the weather but we’ve been so engaged on the xyz project I haven’t had a moment to notice the weather”. Luckily you’re just shadowing him. Get yourself in front of your boss as often as possible and get away from this dude as soon as possible. I guarantee he’s does this to others. Re the email to the graphic designer I would respond in email with something like “ I believe Jacks overstated my concern with your issue. I am not furious, I am concerned and do look forward to working together to resolve the situation. Make sure your boss is cc’d on these emails. I predict you will be having a conversation with your boss about this guy. Good luck and keep

    beimg smart.

25. AnonymousSeptember 6,2024 at 2:58PM UTC

    This is covert narcissistic manipulation. Nip this in the bud. Talk to him, give him these 2 situations, tell him how they made you feel. Keep it to your feelings more than his behavior. Tell him to not refer to you or your 'feelings/moods' anymore (use strong words, don't say

    "i'd prefer if you avoided" - tell him you value his mentorship however you want a professional relationship and he can expect the same.

    Document this in an email back to him after you talk. Even ONE more occurrence, take it to your manager. He does not have your best interest at heart.

    He is testing waters now, seeing how far he can go.

    We teach others how to treat us - do NOT let him think because you have not reacted you are OK with this, or wimpily going along with this. (he's a bastard, watch out. if he is saying this in FRONT of you, no telling what he is saying BEHIND your back)

26. AnonymousSeptember 6,2024 at 4:42PM UTC

    Give a response to his 'lies' by saying, "Now Brad, there you go making stuff up that just never happened." And "Why would you say that when you know I never even mentioned the weather?"

    If he continues, have a 1:1 conversation with him. If that doesn’t help, talk with your supervisor in a way that you are presenting the facts (his exact quotes with date and time and setting (who was there, etc., or the actual Email). Is he fabricating everything completely?

    Hopefully resolved easily for you.

27. WandaSeptember 6,2024 at 4:53PM UTC

    It's one thing to blurt out a funny story about someone that you know intimately, and you know that they're okay with being a part of the punchline. It's another to completely blindside someone you don't know by oversharing with others what that person has said, even when it's innocent and non-incriminating. It can cause a person to shut down. And in a work setting, that can be detrimental. I don't know how comfortable you are with speaking with the co-worker, but you should mention that you're not at all comfortable with him taking what you've said to him out of context and turning it into the "joke of the day" online. If you don't want to confront him. Fine. Speak with your manager and have them deal with him.

28. AnonymousSeptember 7,2024 at 12:49PM UTC

    You need to confront him on this. Maybe he is not even aware of what he is doing but if it bothers you he needs to stop!

    I think that he is definitely picking on you. Whatever the reason is. Maybe he is envious, maybe insecure or probably just immature.
    Maybe he is a covert narcissist as someone posted - we don't know. Anyway, it's great that you are not brushing it off but being aware that something is happening.
    I was in a similar situation where the person was very nice but he definitely doesn't like me. So when we were alone he would try his best to be friendly but in a group he would laugh at my suggestions and ideas or telling not-so-funny racist jokes. It was a red flag. But because he presented himself as very sociable and nice I wouldn't take these situations seriously. That was a big mistake. As someone mentioned in comments this is so passive aggressive. He would be nice just because it was expected from him to be that way at workplace but deep inside he was thinking differently and this was sometimes coming onto surface. So watch out.

29. AnonymousSeptember 7,2024 at 1:09PM UTC

    Also tell him, I can speak for myself and do not speak for me.

30. AnonymousSeptember 7,2024 at 4:55PM UTC

    I would say to him: please stop paraphrasing things that you suggest I said. I like to speak for myself and your random comments about things that come out of my mouth need to stop, they are causing others to think ill of me and that is not acceptable. Focus instead on the things you need to say to people that are about you.

    Put this in writing in an email to him and bcc or openly cc your manager and bcc yourself. If it occurs again, bring it up the food chain and ask them to make it stop.

31. AnonymousSeptember 11,2024 at 12:33PM UTC

    He is definitely picking on you. I agree with the other Annoymous post that states "Now Brad..." be sure you say it in a playful way as you do not want to come across as snippy or mean. But another thought is he may think your cute and is trying to get a reaction out of you, like in high school and he simply hasn't grown up yet. Maybe try discussing outside of group events to try and get a better understanding of his intentions too. He may simply be a trickster/joker and everyone may know it

32. AnonymousSeptember 16,2024 at 7:40PM UTC

    I think I've worked with this guy....I had someone who used to do those sorts of things....He thought he was funny. See how I said "he thought" vs. "I thought..."

    Agree with the comments of give it back in a joking way. Ex - raining in Louisiana, "Brad's just jealous that we have more days by the pool." Whatever makes sense but I'd do it in a funny, playful way but make it clear he's making it up. I also like another poster's comment about saying something to your manager about how weird it is he does this. You may find several people jump up and say, "oh, yeah, that's Brad's weird sense of humor - he's poking at you" or whatever. They may also volunteer that they don't appreciate it either.

    Also, you should probably question if he tells you something like that about another co-worker because who knows if he is telling the truth or being "funny."

33. AnonymousSeptember 11,2024 at 12:40PM UTC

    I would document each of these episodes and then tell him, "Stop putting words in my mouth." Document that you told him so.

    If he doesn't stop, go to your respective bosses with your documentation and explain that what he's doing is chipping away at your professional reputation.

34. AnonymousSeptember 11,2024 at 12:52PM UTC

    Employers don't really side with employees that complain about another employee. I know it's a little strange however most employers want a conducive work environment. Furthermore you don't what start off being a "Whiner". My advice is to refute his claims about you as soon as he spewed them out-right in front of everyone.

35. AnonymousSeptember 11,2024 at 5:01PM UTC

    That's what the point of the documentation is for - to refute the false claims and to refute being called a "Whiner."Employers who don't side with employees who are being victimized by other employees and view them as "Whiners" deserve to have the victimized employees leave and their own reputations for professional conduct put under a microscope.

36. Oluwaseyi ASeptember 12,2024 at 10:43AM UTC

    Documentation means nothing. You can document that a conversation took place at a certain time however how can HR verify that it really took place? The individual has to react sternly in front of others if such unwanted remarks continue-period

37. AnonymousSeptember 14,2024 at 12:33PM UTC

    Not suggesting otherwise. Documentation doesn't have to mean strictly written notes. It can also include recordings.

38. AnonymousSeptember 11,2024 at 1:56PM UTC

    The same has happened to me in many jobs. I have learned how to defend my self by when they make the comment I continue with the same conversation. For example, when the person who made the comment about you complaining, you must say something else like my friend has bad days with the raining days. Add more comments about rainy days. Do not let them to have the last word. Defending your self is to have the last word. Continue talking about their comments.

    Good luck

39. AnonymousSeptember 11,2024 at 2:55PM UTC

    I think the suggestions to reply in a non-serious tone when that happens in group settings are good ones. "What are you talking about?" "Haha, what a jokester!" kind of things then laughing it off make it clear that he's trying to pick on you and that what he's saying isn't true. It also will make it super obvious to everyone on your team call and *they'll* probably get tired of it -- Making it more likely that your manager will address it proactively.

    If it keeps happening, I'd also probably just flag it in a more casual way in a 1:1 with your manager. "Hey, have you noticed that X keeps starting meetings with little jokes about me? It's just so strange, because it's always things I haven't actually said." Then don't say anything else and see what your manager says.

    This is weird! Sorry it's happening. Not to give a stranger too much credit, but it does sound like they're trying to be jokey with you to make you feel welcome. People are strange and not always great at doing what they intend to do.

40. RachelSeptember 11,2024 at 3:08PM UTC

    My guess is that if you call him out on it, he'll say he was "only joking". (We call that "Gaslighting 101", folks!) You've picked up on these passive-aggressive, unfounded comments he's been making - it's okay to make it clear that you're done with that now. "Where did that come from? We've never even discussed the weather, "Chad" (let's just call him Chad)." "Don't put words in my mouth, thanks!" I can't stand people like this!

41. AnonymousSeptember 11,2024 at 3:30PM UTC

    send him a message, immediately, and clearly articulate that you do not appreciate him making random and untrue statements about you. He's not laid back. He's weird and uncertain and wants to undercut you. And, be DIRECT about correcting him as soon as he does this, verbally or on email or whenever. Be nice, Be clear. He needs to get back into his cage immediately.

42. Ericka MeadeSeptember 11,2024 at 4:05PM UTC

    Just to add what others have commented. If you have any 1:1 conversation, follow it up with an email as "per our conversation," for documentation purposes if anything needs to escalate to management or HR. Even if the 1:1 seems to have resolved the issue. Depending on his personality it may pop up again.

43. LORI-ANN BURLINGAMESeptember 11,2024 at 5:26PM UTC

    He is a bully and you may want to consider taking him to HR. You could try talking to him, but it may not work. However, stand-up to him -- you have Rights!

44. AnonymousSeptember 11,2024 at 6:16PM UTC

    I think you should laugh and say hey Susie doesn’t take it so seriously I love the weather just send it right back as a joke see if that stops it