Should I change who I am?

24 Comments

1. Karen PriceAugust 27,2022 at 5:50PM UTC

   I don't think you should change who you are at all. If the culture does not fit you then you might consider another company. I am also quiet and reserved and like to do my work and go home so I definitely understand. Although I can say I have never had anyone mock me or really even comment on it. It's sad to hear about your boss and co-workers behavior towards you. Best of luck, I wish you well!

2. AnonymousAugust 27,2022 at 7:57PM UTC

   What kind of question is that? Really?

   Maybe you should change jobs. It doesn't sound like a personal fit. You will never be praised for being reserved and quiet.

3. AnonymousAugust 27,2022 at 9:00PM UTC

   No this is a toxic and none inclusive place. The next time your boss has the galls to embarrass you like that challenge her and ask is there a reason why you are not practicing inclusive acceptance in the workplace? I would hope you can keep things professional as a manager to respect my personality for who I am. If it’s not in my personality to be gregarious why is it so difficult for you and others to accept. Are we all supposed to think and act the same here? If so I clearly missed that memo. Sorry I’ve been in a similar situation years ago. Toxic bosses like that don’t change. I would apply elsewhere. You should be able to come as you are and be respected and treated with dignity.

4. AnonymousAugust 27,2022 at 10:17PM UTC

   Toxic because team members are loud and talkative?
   That’s a little extreme to categorize personality differences

5. AnonymousAugust 27,2022 at 10:19PM UTC

   No…..

   Did you miss the part where she wrote her boss mocked her about her reservedness? That’s the part which is toxic. Also her boss causing her to feel unwelcome and unaccepting of her personality is a form of non inclusion. If you did not draw a similar conclusion from her post I guess my response to you is my previous post was advice for the original poster. And if you disagree ok…and?!

6. JJAugust 27,2022 at 9:52PM UTC

   No way and how dare they mock you! What type of work do you do?

7. AnonymousAugust 28,2022 at 3:33AM UTC

   I am a clerk.

8. AnonymousAugust 27,2022 at 10:08PM UTC

   I've led teams with all different personalities. Some of the quietest staff members were the most intelligent and hardworking members of the group. Instead of making them speak in front of others, I would hold regular check-in session with each employee to make sure their voices were heard besides the team sessions.

   Please remember that the loudest people are often the most heard but that doesn't mean they are always right. Don't change yourself to meet other people's expectations but do find ways to advocate for yourself to make sure your voice is heard.

9. AnonymousAugust 28,2022 at 12:18AM UTC

   I’d recommend taking the 16 personalities quiz by myers Briggs. Flip to the career section of the results and take note of the positive attributes for yours! I think you’ll find that all shades of personality bring value. they like you and just want to connect with you more. Try sharing something obscure that you like. Enjoy foraging for mushrooms? Enjoy Minecraft? Cooking?

10. AnonymousAugust 28,2022 at 11:55AM UTC

    I just had a very similar situation! My boss wasn't mocking me but "giving me feedback to help me grow". She said I need to be more outspoken and extroverted. Um, no. That's not who I am. It really hurt and for the first time, I felt like I was being asked to be someone I'm not. I'm approaching this in two ways: 1) I will not (and cannot) change my nature. The idea leadership has to look a certain way is so flawed and patriarchal. 2) I'm getting curious to see what skills I *could* develop as an introvert that still feel authentic to me, but also help me grow in my leadership role. And if my boss doesn't like that, there's nothing else I can do.

11. AnonymousAugust 29,2022 at 7:06PM UTC

    have you considered that your manager may have been encouraging you to share your contribution more? Did she clarify what she meant? Did you ask? We often assume that we know what others mean.

12. AnonymousAugust 29,2022 at 8:14AM UTC

    If you can I would change jobs as soon as possible. These folks are bullies and you have every right to be reserved. Don’t change who you are for these fools. You are fine the way you are.

13. AnonymousSeptember 11,2022 at 2:00PM UTC

    I agree! The comment about the boss mocking says it all. They want you to be like them. You’re not and they don’t value what you bring because you have a different style. It’s only going to get worse.

14. BarbaraAugust 29,2022 at 12:38PM UTC

    Knowing that the boss joined in the put downs is not a good sign. Don't have much hope. I used to get feedback all the time about being more talkative. I finally started to mention in the interview process that I am introvert and that I am in the office to work. So they know upfront and if that's a problem for them...don't hire me. BTW in my current job, we are all quiet introverts. It's a great feeling not having to put on an extrovert show.

15. AnonymousAugust 29,2022 at 1:21PM UTC

    The best teams have people with lots of different ways of approaching problems on them. Your coworkers should value the ways that you work differently, not mock them.

16. AnonymousAugust 29,2022 at 1:25PM UTC

    Stay true to yourself. Nothing wrong with being quiet. Perhaps try to reach out to these chatty people more frequently to get to know them a bit better. I believe you all just don't know each other too well. The boss could help by holding a team event or maybe the way to these chatters is to bring a big ol tray of cake or something that they can all share in.

17. AnonymousAugust 29,2022 at 4:02PM UTC

    Absolutely not. Years ago I actually left a job where I felt I was being bullied because I was more concerned about getting the job done than jumping in with all the small talk. You don't have to fit in but it is helpful to get people to understand you. One thing I have started doing is showing others the things that I appreciate, like greeting everyone in the mornings or reaching out to encourage someone that appears to be having a bad day. It's the little things I find that all people respond to.

    With all that in mind, do not let this situation get out of hand. I do agree that sometimes people become targets when they do not get to know others. You don't have to be best friends but you can find some common interests you may share with your coworkers. Give that a try and see where that leads.

    If you end up leaving this job, remember that similar behavior can be found in all work environments. So when you interview ask some probing questions about the department culture. You may get some insight about the culture and determine if this would be a fit for you.

18. EMILY KIKUE FRANKAugust 29,2022 at 5:26PM UTC

    In addition to being true to yourself, you may even ask if the company can bring in a trainer to talk about differences in temprament. You've happened into a noisier workplace but you can all learn to respect the differences and work together, provided nobody gets stuck seeing either approach as a bad thing.

19. AnonymousAugust 29,2022 at 7:08PM UTC

    Im curious, what do you mean by the “boss mocked you”? What did they do? Can you give an example. I don’t think

    i can give advice without knowing what you said and what they said because the absence of this factual information is conjecture.

20. AyianSeptember 5,2022 at 6:08PM UTC

    Firstly, you can't change who you are quickly and should never attempt to do so for others.

    Second, this sounds like the situation could use some clearer communication from you to them regarding your discomfort in response to what they said. This is not being unreserved, it is establishing a boundary. People who establish, maintain, and defend boundaries are respected for doing so or they discover precisely how disrespectful the boundary violators are.

    Establishing a boundary does not have to be confrontational or dramatic. A quick 'hey, I wanted to talk to you about <insert a way to describe what was said/done>. I don't appreciate it when <insert specific thing>. I would prefer <insert alternative action>. Is this something you can work with?' can do the trick. How someone responds to you when you use this or a similar direct communication tool will reveal how much they value and respect you whether they mean to communicate that or not. If it's disrespectful or inconsiderate, I would keep looking for a new job, as this would not be an appropriate fit.

21. Lee De JongSeptember 10,2022 at 3:25PM UTC

    No way should you have to change for them. Just because they are that way does not mean you have to be.

    Just be you and ignore them with confidence. You are the better person.

    God bless

22. Lisa McCartneySeptember 12,2022 at 6:05PM UTC

    I would say something like, I am generally quiet, but I feel as if I am friendly. I am also trying to work out personalities so please let me try to adjust. Or something to that effect. Also it's none of their business.

23. Karen Bernal 'student'September 21,2022 at 12:05AM UTC

    I wouldn't care.

24. AnonymousSeptember 21,2022 at 12:08AM UTC

    If I don't like a man, he can't insult me to get me to date him.

    Likewise, if I'm told to act wildly excited on a job, I'm not going to want to go to work and will probably quit.