Difficult colleague who obviously has it in for me

Anonymous

December 10,2022 at 5:28PM UTC

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Difficult colleague who obviously has it in for me

I've been at my organization for about a year now. Every so often, I have to reach out to a colleague for assistance on a project. I'm basically the intermediary between her and another team. Since day one, she's been awful. She is unnervingly impersonal as if she wants to make the experience of working with her as unpleasant as possible. And when there's a question or issue she doesn't understand, she blames me for it, overemphasizing the use of the pronoun "you." As in, YOU did not do this, YOU did not send instructions on that, YOU.... even in her emails, she'll underline YOU. My instructions are as good as what the team sends me. She's been doing this work for years but with me, likes to play dumb. I've already offered to put her on the phone with them, but it never seems to work out.

I almost lost my cool with her the other day, and I did my best to keep it because I think she wants to fight with me. She's been there for many more years than I have, and I think she's liked by a few other people, so I suspect that management would take her side if she complained about me. What would be the best way to deal with her going forward to avoid getting into a bad conflict. I want to say I do not want to work with this person but of course, I can't. I'm thinking of just foisting her on the team I work with and asking them to feel free to complete the projects without me as it would be best that they communicate their wishes to her directly. I think she's just trouble and doesn't like me for whatever reason. I'm almost 50 and at a point in my life where I really don't need to take crap from someone like this. I get the sense she's not happy in the job and close to retirement but can't or won't leave so she's taking her stresses out on me because I'm new.

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Crystal HowellDecember 10,2022 at 7:12PM UTC
Turn it around, Do YOU have any suggestions, as this is what the team sent. Can YOu set up a training call or zoom as to how YOU would do this, maybe the procedures changed.
Try reaching out to another colleague, when all else fails google can help ask how to do _________________________________________________???Good Luck
She may be going through a bad patch at home, who knows?????
AnonymousDecember 10,2022 at 8:17PM UTC
Sometimes personalities don't gel. Maybe she is used to a specific procedure and has unspoken expectations. Yes, like Crystal said perhaps turning it around might help. Like maybe say oh "thank you for letting me know I missed a step (not apologizing, but admitting that she did not get what she expected), then say I thought this was how it should be done, do you have suggestions for how to do it differently? Could you let me know where the documentation is on how this should be done (sops, policies) so I can do it better next time? I appreciate your patience with me.
AnonymousDecember 10,2022 at 8:19PM UTC
You smile you take deep breaths and keep asking if there is anyone else you should asking ....that you know she's really busy and you don't want to waste her time.
Lyn WelchDecember 10,2022 at 10:21PM UTC
GET OUT. She's insecure and attacking you is the only way she feels better. She won't let up and the boss WILL take her side. Cut your losses and find something else.
AnonymousDecember 11,2022 at 8:29PM UTC
I’d try again with the linking everyone together. Organize monthly status/ update meetings with her and the team and have a written record each time, that way she can’t blame you for this. If she doesn’t join the meetings then use it to compile update/ questions and send to her as a report. She sounds like a deeply unhappy person looking to relieve her misery by picking on others. If you view her that way it may make it easier to bear. Good luck
Maggie StoneDecember 13,2022 at 2:12PM UTC
Absolutely document every interaction and make sure higher ups are copied on emails and messages. I also agree with turning it around in a nice and professional way (e.g. Thank you for reaching out for clarification…). You could also ask how she would prefer to receive instructions. People learn and process information differently. I wonder if some of this might be shame or embarrassment about not catching on. Or it could be annoyance about taking orders from someone newer.You can also be frank and transparent and say “look, neither of us like working together, but since we are in this together, let’s keep it courteous, respectful, and professional.” If all else fails, is there someone else who could be the liaison?
AnonymousDecember 13,2022 at 5:19PM UTC
Document everything. And from now on, email all communication so that when/if she does complain, you have a written trail. She says you didn’t give good instructions, you can pull them back up and ask where there was a disconnect. When you discuss something with her in person, immediately follow up with an email repeating your conversation and what your understanding is about whatever it is. “I want to be sure we are on the same page after our conversation this morning, you are going to bring the cookies and I am going to bring cups and napkins” type thing. that way, when/if she complains, you have it in writing. Do it for everything. If you need to drop something off to her and she isn’t there (or even if she is), follow up with an email “I stopped by to give you xxx and you were away from your desk, so I left it on your chair, let me know if you didn’t see it”. It is a pain in the ass, but will protect you later. I found that out early in my career, when my boss told me to take a document to someone, they weren’t there so I left it on their chair and then sent an email when I got back to my desk. Three weeks later my boss got pissed at me because so-and-so said they never got the contract after I asked you to personally deliver it. After a second, I said I did deliver it, I sent them an email because she wasn’t there saying I left it on her chair and she responded that yup, she had it. Then it became a my boss having a conversation with her about losing something and trying to throw me under the bus.
GirlBossanova934974December 14,2022 at 1:39PM UTC
You're close to 50. The problem worker is about ready to retire. So this should fairly clear. The problem worker is about ready to walk out the door. She's counting the days before she can leave her very unhappy job. People who are "counting the days" are usually very happy to be leaving or choose to take out their several years frustration out on whomever happens to be around at the moment. That's you. If it were me, I would be counting the days before she's gone and ignore all the stupid comments. It's a job and sometimes you have to put up with people like this. I have 37 years of work experience and that's my take. Try to keep your personal interaction to a minimum. Automate as much as possible. IF it gets really too much, find a way to cut yourself out of the process. Maybe design a Microsoft Word Template with a few dropdown choices for each part.
AnonymousDecember 14,2022 at 1:43PM UTC
Confront her one on one sorry but keep your phone in your pocket and record the conversation
Hold on Lee LouDecember 14,2022 at 3:31PM UTC
I agree with other comments about documenting things - but don't record the conversation as it may be illegal in your state and it feels like a nuclear option. There are other ways to document - you can follow up any in-person conversations with a recap email for example.
I don't know your job so take this as you will, but outside of her rudeness it sounds like she may need more from you to do her job. If you are the intermediary between your team and her, is there something you need to do beyond passing info? For example, in my company we have sales people that need to share sold job info with the production team. My sales team isn't always detailed or organized with their information, and it is my job to vet that info and continually train and follow up with them to provide better instructions. When that doesn't happen, the production director lets me know about it - and sometimes they get frustrated and are very direct in their words - and it's a totally fair request. They need the info to do their jobs.
Do you have a common superior? If so, you could reach out to your problem co-worker and copy that manager/director to request a meeting to hone in on what processes need to be improved.
For example, your email might be something like, "Meanie and Boss, Based on recent feedback, I feel I need some clarity on what is expected from me. Can we sit down to discuss processes and how we can improve them?" I'd keep it short and don't kowtow OR point fingers. Just state clear facts without emotion and ask for them to participate in improving the work flow.
You don't have to take crap from people, but you do need to do your part in fixing the situation. While your co-worker sounds rude and unhappy, they may have some legitimate frustrations, and reaching out to address the situation proactively will make you look like the reasonable and forward-thinking one.