Boundaries at Work.

Anonymous

June 16,2023 at 8:33PM UTC

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Boundaries at Work.

Happy Friday everyone! I am having an issue with a superior at work. I work for a small consulting engineering company. I am the only female engineer at the moment. A senior engineer I seldom work with recently made partner at the company. Ever since then, he has become entitled and demanding with people below his rank. With me specifically, he has been condescending in addition to being demanding.

When we have a work conversation he tends to pause at the end of a statement, giving the impression that he is done talking. If I try to talk during his pause, he will rudely request to “let him finish.” But he paused at the end of his statement.

When he gives me instructions for a project, he asks if I understood his directions and I start explaining what I understood, he cuts me off and dismisses me.

He also texts and calls outside work hours (before 8am and after 5pm) and expects to hear back ASAP. Plus, he calls during lunch time while he is eating, and you can hear him chew.

He reprimanded me for not getting back to him after 5pm, not answering when he called and texted at 2pm, or not answering when I’m driving.

I explained that I don’t answer my work phone after I leave the office in the evenings. I explained that when I work on an important deadline I have my phone on silence (hence not getting back to him right away during work hours). I also explained that I don’t answer my phone while driving (even if it is on speaker) because I cannot concentrate in driving on the highway and having an analytical conversation at the same time.

He demanded that moving forward, I reply to his communication right away even if it is after work hours; even if it’s within personal time. He also stated that my reasoning for not getting back to him are unacceptable excuses.

There are four other partners at the company, and they all respect personal time. This person is the only one who disrespects boundaries.

Any advise on how to navigate this situation will be greatly appreciated.

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KJLeaderJune 16,2023 at 10:35PM UTC
This manager sounds like he has narcissism. Research what narcissism looks like in a boss, in coworkers, and at work.
Look to transfer or a new job. Also, politely call him out. Put up boundaries around those work hours as this all sounds so unhealthy.
AnonymousJune 17,2023 at 1:08AM UTC
Time to go.
I don't think it's you....it's that you are a woman.
He can bully someone else. You deserve better -- and the fact that he "recently made partner" - ego trip.
Yes... he's a bully. At 5p (or whatever) and during lunch and your project time -- he needs to learn how to email and not be so demanding.
AnonymousJune 17,2023 at 2:35AM UTC
I would use the comparison to other very successful partners and their respectful honoring of the work flow and time. Let him know you'll be happy to discuss his unique demands with the other partners and leadership if he'd like. Work in that you know he's new to the partner role and you want to support his growth and success.
AnonymousJune 17,2023 at 2:26PM UTC
This could be considered harassment targeting at females which is a HUGE RED FLAG FOR HR. Companies CANNOT DISCRIMINATE IN ANY WAY, which includes workplace conduct towards people regardless of sex, sexual orientation, race, etc. Your company should be GLAD that they have a female engineer given the shortage of females having that profession. I would start looking for another job ASAP who appreciates female engineers (there should be plenty now) and once you get an offer, go to HR of your current employer and discuss this bullying, unprofessional workplace behavior targeted at the only female in the company. If the HR is staffed with competent personnel, they would put this male engineer on notice and send him for managerial training. HR avoids at all cost any potential lawsuits that might be forthcoming. They would see this case as an IMMEDIATE RED FLAG....
Liz MilneJune 18,2023 at 2:40AM UTC
Oh no... Time to dig out the employee handbook and/or consult HR on expectations out of hours. He sounds awful... And a chauvinist...
Jennifer Lorimer KondakJune 19,2023 at 12:44PM UTC
Document everything!!!
Zeecil KimmelJune 19,2023 at 12:50PM UTC
Run - unfortunately, even when companies say they need female engineers for their DEI numbers they do not treat women appropriately. Companies that promote these types to manager/partners deserve the backlash when people leave. Unless you think any of the other leaders have enough power to make this individual listen you are really without an ally. Do not wait until it is too late - run like the wind.
Rosa E HearnJune 19,2023 at 1:04PM UTC
As difficult as he may be, Everyone is pursuing what's in their best interest. My only advice is to find out what his goals are, what he is trying to achieve. What drives him and how can you line up your goals with his.
Everyone is always amazed why people don't think like you/them, but that's because everyone is different. We were not born the same way, think the same and our experiences are not the same. So find out what their goals are and see if you can get YOUR goals to line up with his.
Lisa MarieJune 19,2023 at 1:46PM UTC
Nothing the OP stated suggests *she* needs to find any way to work with the disrespectful, chauvinistic, unreasonable, and blatantly rude person, who, from this story, has allowed his promotion to go to his head.
He needs to learn manners and respect. No one needs to seek to understand his unacceptable behavior
Rosa E HearnJune 19,2023 at 4:12PM UTC
I don't blindly take one side over another. As mentioned before she needs to have a conversation and ask him why he is this way.
Janet ParkhurstJune 20,2023 at 11:42PM UTC
Rosa, I don't mean to go up against you (and your advice COULD work!), but why on earth does he deserve this luxury? Asking a jerk why he's a jerk is like asking a scorpion why it stings.
Erin PettJune 19,2023 at 6:12PM UTC
I actually have found the the easiest way to deal with these people is to unemotionally make them explain themselves.... so many entitled men get away with this because no one ever makes them admit to it being entitled behavior.
It's amazing what happens when you put someone in a position of stating "because I'm the boss that's why"... and almost always goes against company culture of being a good leader.
And it's SUCH AN INNOCENT QUESTION... they literally just uh, well, um...
AnonymousJune 19,2023 at 1:51PM UTC
Are you serious right now? Please explain to me why she needs to make her goals line up to his? This behavior should not be condoned and yet here we are excusing it away and telling her she needs to figure it out and allow him to treat her like crap? Absolutely not.
Original Poster, I don't know anything about working at a small engineering company but that doesn't entitle this guy, or anyone, to walk all over you. Please don't follow the horrible advice from Rosa. You need to establish boundaries and if he can't understand that, then what are the normal protocols at your company? Do you have an HR you can speak to? Most companies take complaints of harassment and hostile work environment seriously.
I'm also a little confused because you said you seldom work with him. If that's the case then why is he bothering you so frequently (from how it seems in your post). I think we need a little more context and info before we can really give more detailed advice.
Rosa E HearnJune 19,2023 at 4:09PM UTC
I was just suggesting if she actually had a sit down conversation with him and what what behind of all of his expectations. Sometimes a simple conversation can clear up alot.
Lisa MarieJune 19,2023 at 1:40PM UTC
He's definitely out of line and blatantly disrespectful.
Go to HR/the other partners with all you have stated here to us. What you have stated is clearly outside of normal or ethical work relationships.
Most important, update your resume and start looking for another job. Sadly, even if your reports result in a some sort of positive change in his behavior, these situations generally never simply just end. In many cases, more emotional abuse ensues from nit-picking and more petty behavior. Save yourself from soul-sucking situations, and set yourself up with interviews, get another job, and leave.
AnonymousJune 19,2023 at 1:54PM UTC
Hm, well this could go two ways. You could ask to meet with him about his expectations and have a third party in the room. Or you can try meeting with him 1x1. Either way, ask him how he will be compensating your time for work after hours. Comp time or OT pay? When he blusters, you calmly point out that you are paid to work for the company between 8 - 5 and any work you do outside of those hours will need to be compensated. I HATE people who ask a question, don’t like the answer so call it an “excuse”. That is a hard one to work around.
AnonymousJune 19,2023 at 2:32PM UTC
He is gaslighting you
I'm having a similar issue with a coworker
AnonymousJune 19,2023 at 2:43PM UTC
1-Document all communication with this colleague,
2-ask others at your same level if they are experiencing this entitled behavior from him, to establish possible gender discrimination,
3- get your resume ready and start applying for other positions.
You likely have an EEOC claim here, if you want to take it on.
G C HesseJune 19,2023 at 2:47PM UTC
Find a large engineering firm and stay away from the "Mom & Pop" businesses.
And each time he calls before working hours and after.....charge them 2 hours. Trust me they will start this crap.
You've got experience and now is the time to run with it.
Good Luck
Michelle AnsbachJune 19,2023 at 2:49PM UTC
This is an HR issue. Document everything. He has created a hostile work environment. This is a form of harassment. He wants an all male workplace. You may need an attorney for this one. I would begin searching for another job as well. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
Ann MillerJune 19,2023 at 5:24PM UTC
What Michelle Ansbach said. Document EVERYTHING even if it is something small. Are any of the other partners approachable? You might also want to just LEAVE. If the other partners brush you off, and know how he is treating you, it's a no-win situation
AnonymousJune 19,2023 at 5:39PM UTC
Time to talk to the head of the dept and or HR or the person who promoted him. Share these things and the shift in his behavior with them in a non-blaming way. Be clear with them that your work will remain consistently good but you do need the time to get the work done uninterrupted and also to have him honor your work life balance. You might give an inch to say up to 530PM but definitely do not respond to late night and weekend calls or texts. I assume that the company is paying for your phone? If not then let them know that you can no longer use your personal phone for work since it is crossing over into your personal life and that is not acceptable. Also be honest with them about the fact that as a woman you feel especially put upon as if you are being treated as an admin and not the (insert role here) that you are. After the in person conversation memorialize it in an email and bcc your personal email address and openly your work one. Ask for them to help broker a working session with him to work out these boundaries so that going forward there are no issues. Don't answer your phone while driving that puts your safety at risk. During work hours you might have ot put work blocks on your calendar that are do not disturb and ask that during those times you work without interrupts. Never let anyone demand or reprimand you because you don't respond in the moment. Texting is often used as if we were Pavlov's dogs, you hear the bell you do something. Humans do not work that way and if you do then you become a part of that behavior and its a hard chain to break once established. I would be also thinking about filing a formal EEOC complaint if you truly think its sexist. S
Janet ParkhurstJune 20,2023 at 1:16AM UTC
Tell him to go fuck himself.
Orlagh CostelloJune 20,2023 at 12:13PM UTC
Very much agree with this.
Cat the CoachJune 20,2023 at 3:16PM UTC
It sounds like this is the only individual acting this way. I agree, document everything, This guy sounds like he has no clue how to manage people. And he's just kind of an asshat. If you only occasionally work with him, I wouldn't throw in the towel and leave. Then he wins. I would take steps to protect yourself and determine who your best ally is in the leadership there, whether it be HR or another partner. (. If it's a really small company, they may not have an HR department.) You sound like a great employee, and I'm sure they don't want to lose you just because this guy is a jerk. He obviously needs some leadership training. This happens all the time when people get promoted to a leadership position. They know how to do the work, but not how to manage people.
BTW, my main reason for responding is to give you a HUGE SHOUT OUT for the boundaries you've put in place. I'm an executive coach who regularly works with stressed out professionals and I ALWAYS coach my clients to make uninterrupted focus time a priority. They produce better work in less time. Put it on your calendar and show as unavailable. You are rocking it! Don't let this jerk get in the way of your success.
AnonymousJune 20,2023 at 6:31PM UTC
Wait, what? You hug your staff members? Want them to hug you? That is so inappropriate I don’t even know where to begin. Unless you are raising puppies, those are okay to hug at work.
You should stop that practice immediately. Boundaries at work means you/your staff arrives on time to the office, everyone does their job without any touching or inappropriate conversation/language and then everyone goes home at the end of their shift. Personal conversations should be kept to a minimum and the boss/supervisor should not be asking any personal questions or leading questions.
If you think you’re addictive to your staff you need to seek some professional training. My guess is you have made more than one employee uncomfortable and they do not know how to respond. If they are told by others “oh, that’s just how she is”, someone is going to file a complaint against you one day.
NatJune 22,2023 at 2:24PM UTC
Save all texts, emails and journal interactions. Go to HR or speak with the other 3 that do respect you.