A toxic coworker joined the team.

Anonymous

February 2,2022 at 1:53AM UTC

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A toxic coworker joined the team.

I have been working on a team for over two years now. We have had our differences but in general, things have gone fairly well.

Two months ago, our boss hired a new member of the team.

He is arrogant and disrespectful especially to the women on the team, often making snide remarks.

He dominates conversations during our (mandatory fun) team time and steers the conversation towards his accomplishments.

He is also overly critical of everyone on the team. This makes it hard to work with him especially since our team regularly provides feedback on each other's work.

To make matters worse, my boss seems to join in with him regularly, co-dominating team time and seemingly oblivious when my coworker makes an insensitive remark.

This behavior is causing me to be miserable at work. Even though I am more experienced in the role, I dread conversations with him or when he has to give feedback to other teammates, who often come to me to put back together the pieces. And, since we are a small team, there is no way to avoid him.

When I approached my boss, he turned it around and made it seem like I was being overly sensitive.

I feel like my workplace has gone from a safe place to work to a toxic zone.

The two other women in the office have also confided to me that they are looking for other jobs as a result of the new hire.

I don't want to have to leave because of a toxic coworker. What else can I do?

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Emily KeiperFebruary 2,2022 at 2:59AM UTC
If you like your role and your company and he is the one element that is sending you out the door, the one thing you can rely on is your confidence and self worth. If he dishes out a remark and you don’t like it, call him on it right there and then (in a professional way of course). “Could you elaborate more on that comment, or rephrase it. Im having trouble understanding your thought process.” At some point it’s inevitable that toxic people push themselves out of companies. It ALWAYS happens. So if you stand your ground there’s always a chance this toxic person will say the wrong thing to the wrong person and be out the door soon anyway. On the flip side, if your boss is telling you you’re being “too sensitive” which I’m sorry, I despise people saying to professionals, perception is everything honestly so you have every right to feel the way you do, then maybe your boss is toxic as well and there are other actions you should take. Log everything and get things in writing. Continue to share with your boss why you’re unhappy or what has occurred to upset you. If nothing changes, go over them to HR or find something new.
I’m sorry you’re in this position.
AnonymousFebruary 2,2022 at 4:08AM UTC
This new member was hand picked by your boss who loves the guy and joins right in.
If you can file a formal complaint with HR that's your only option. It's rough but things are on a different path.
Audrey KirschFebruary 2,2022 at 4:16AM UTC
If he’s not your boss and overly critical, call him on it. Ask him how he thinks he would do things differently. Some people just like to be negative. When called on it they often have nothing to say. He won’t want to open himself up to being criticized back for having a dumb idea. However, he could have an idea that might improve the team but a crappy way of presenting himself. Sometimes you have to dig for the gold. You’ll never know if he’s a real ass or just insecure until you call him on his behavior.
Lori Laurito BetzFebruary 3,2022 at 1:56PM UTC
I agree with this…my super snarky side loves the idea of saying, in a super sweet, everybody knows is sarcasm but can’t prove it voice, something like “Really Joe? I’d love to hear more about your ideas!” and keep probing him for more in-depth, detailed suggestions and knowledge as if you’re really interested… I’m sure it wouldn’t be too long before he’s tongue-tied since he’s probably nothing but hot air anyway.
Barb HansenFebruary 2,2022 at 4:20AM UTC
Ah, the wonderful world of toxic people and the equally toxic people who support them and gaslight us.
I would spiffy up my resume and linked profile and start looking for another job. I would talk to HR (if you have an HR department) and every day I would write down every toxic interaction with him and your manager.
Don't let their bad behavior affect your confidence, get out of that department or that company as quickly as you can.
And, this is just me, as I hold no quarter (give no mercy) in my life for toxic men or bullies, while I waited out my last few weeks/months at that company, I would treat him with disdainful amusement for thinking that he knows more than I do. I would become a mirror for every toxic trick that he plays. If he talks over me, I would just continue talking. I would one-up his snide comments. If he ridicules my work or my team members work, I would ridicule his work. And I would not let him know that he's gotten under my skin.
I would not be able to put up with this level of game-playing stress forever (I really don't like toxic workplaces) but since I was planning on leaving the company, I wouldn't care.
I'm not really suggesting that you play the toxic-volley game with him (because it's super stressful). I would because I have no tolerance for toxic people, and I'm at a point in my career where I have the professional experience to pull it off.
Julie AndrewsFebruary 3,2022 at 1:58PM UTC
Amen a million times over. Toxic is amazing-and the bosses who support them are even more so. I’m like you-get as far away as is possible from all of that. Life can be quality again.
Amy GeffenFebruary 3,2022 at 1:11PM UTC
I agree with what has been said about (1) document every snide or toxic remark, every insensitive action. (2) Talk to your HR professional. (3) Update your resume and your LinkedIn profile and start networking in earnest to find another job. Your boss and the new guy are not going to change their behavior any time soonn.
Cindie BeachFebruary 3,2022 at 2:39PM UTC
Aren’t we so tired of the “maybe you’re just being too sensitive “ remark? When you bring a valid concern to your manager, that remark along with any other misogynistic remark have no place in the discussion. The only reason they say that is because they have no intention of supporting you or following up on the other person’s inappropriate behavior. It is a copout. So in our discussion with the manager or HR, call that framing out as inappropriate. This boils my blood - completely. Just because we are female professionals does not mean we are overly sensitive, shrill, or emotional. That manager needs to stick to issues snd circumstances and not fall back on that weak, ineffectual language just because they have the emotional intelligence of a slug.
AnonymousFebruary 3,2022 at 1:19PM UTC
Document everything he says. The other coworkers who confided in you should do the same. And be witness to one another. If you resign due to harassment (proven) you are eligible to collect unemployment. The boss has shown he is equally toxic. Time to look for another job. Ask the ladies if you can list them as a reference and offer the same for them. Good luck.
Alisha CowardFebruary 3,2022 at 1:25PM UTC
I'm right with you. My boss hired someone who had worked at the store temporarily, about 5 years ago. She tries to mommy me. She's rude. She's a kiss a*s. My boss loves her.
I'm pregnant and I have baby brain terribly. One day; she left soup in the fridge that she wasn't going to eat. She offered it to me. She left for the day and her and I were to work together the following day. I accidentally left the small soup container out.
The following morning, she sends me a long message saying, "now I don't mind giving you my soup, but don't you ever expect me to clean up after you."
I lost my mind on her, as that was not the first time she tried to talk down to me. I've been working at verizon for 5 years. I'm one of the top reps there and I feel as though she is threatened by me, because I can't think of any other reason as to why she would think that's okay.
She will also write in our group chat, things that we need to start doing as a team. She loves to act as though she's in a management position. If I deal with a customer and create a sales order for a device we do not have, they will come in when I'm not there and she will switch the sale to her name. I switched the sale back, and we get a long group message from our manager stating reps are not allowed to switch sales and if they believe the sale is there, there needs to be proof. WAIT, WHAT?! So I have to prove that a sale, that was taken out of MY name, is MY sale? But the person who swapped the sale gets to repercussions? Get outta here.
Sorry for ranting. My point is; the toxicity is ruining me and my mental health. I've been there for 5 years and I'm training to be a manager. I don't want to do it anymore. I've been tirelessly applying to work from home positions and I've gotten nothing. But I know I need to leave the job. I know if she disrespects me again or says snide and snobby comments, I will lose it. I need to leave, I know how I will react.
Don't stay at a job that will ultimately make you miserable. It's debilitating. If it's something you truly love, I'd certainly call him out. Let him realize that he's NOT going to disrespect you like that. It's not appreciated, it's rude, etc. If your boss truly values you, your boss should also speak with him.
AnonymousFebruary 3,2022 at 2:04PM UTC
Why not make friends with IT, suggest them to give permissions to upper management to make the switch.
When she attacks out of jealousy, respond with honey. Don't let her know she gets under your skin. Accept nothing from her personally, as top producer shut her down silently. If it's not job related, tell her not to contact you anymore.
If you like your job, if not promote yourself to a better company and thrive.
Television advertising is hiring.
Most good workers leave because of bosses that can be bullied. All dirt comes to the surface, keep your numbers up!
rgstaffing@bellsouth.netFebruary 3,2022 at 1:43PM UTC
This is a difficult situation. I think your only viable options are to ride it out with this new hire and his obnoxious behavior as he may settle down or look for another job and leave. The boss is probably trying to keep peace rather than admit that he made a wrong cultural hire but when people start leaving and reveal the reason in their exit interview, he may take a more active role and speak to him. I am not sure that HR can step in and deal with people who do not play nice unless they are doing something illegal. I would give it a couple of months and see if he can integrate into the group but if this is who he is and he has changed the whole team/office, i suggest that you look for another job instead of staying somewhere that is stressing you out. There are plenty of jobs available right now and a shortage of candidates so there is no time like now to look for a job where you can enjoy your workplace. Once everyone starts leaving, I would bet that the boss will have to address this unless he wants his entire staff to leave and he will be faced with the difficult task of replacing them.
AnonymousFebruary 3,2022 at 1:56PM UTC
I had one of those, I basically turned the tables on him. Every rude comment I would respond and shut him down, in a tone
that meant I don't give in to bullies.
Since he was just hired,you know your job better. Change your mind, change your life. If you like your job and colleagues, just a thought. Ignore the noise together as a team, he will come around.
Amanda ZimmermanFebruary 3,2022 at 2:07PM UTC
This is definitely a tricky situation and it seems that the responsibility of dealing with it is falling on you. The fact that your other coworkers feel similarly and confide in you is a great sign that you're a factor that increases the inclusivity and psychological safety in the workplace.
In my experience, I've found that managers respond best to "data" as opposed to feelings (which is very unfortunate because feelings are just as valid if not more). If you can find physical/numerical evidence of how this new coworker disrupts work and productivity, your boss may be more likely to respond to that. Once people start leaving, that will be a big sign. If your coworkers do leave, you should encourage them to have an honest exit-interview, outlining the direct ways in which the new employee's behavior has caused them harm/a loss of productivity. Your boss should not be able to ignore multiple reports of how this one person's actions have had a negative influence on productivity (which in turn will make your boss's job more difficult as well).
AnonymousFebruary 3,2022 at 2:11PM UTC
Honestly, it sounds like this boy has some major self-confidence issues, generally those types appear to be confident, but really he lacks it and puts others down because he doesn’t feel worthy. Sometimes calling someone out, in the moment, in front of others, can be helpful. Basically he’s a bully because he hasn’t healed his inner wounds, so you all need to stand up and stand together!
Sabrina RahmanFebruary 3,2022 at 2:19PM UTC
Be confident and challenge him respectfully.
“All these quals? That sounds great! I’m so pleased you have achieved so much!”
Idiots are sometimes idiots because they don’t have any pushback.
Otherwise, and I think it is worth mentioning, the new coworker might have a behavioural issue due to autism. That could be why the managers let’s them run roughshod.
AnonymousFebruary 3,2022 at 2:27PM UTC
I am an HR professional and I have to disagree with the comment that HR can't do anything unless it's something illegal.
I step into situations all the time where I feel the positive culture and safe environment are not being upheld, especially due to one person.
People like this don't change unless THEY get honest feedback from those they are affecting. And even then, they may not change but at least you have done your due diligence to provide the feedback on how their behavior affects a group of people and the cultureof the workplace. If your workplace is one where peer to peer feedback is encouraged, then that's your opportunity to comfort the behavior. When comments are made where you feel are not helpful, confront it in the moment. If you feel the behavior is disrespectful and your boss isn't listening, then absolutely ask HR to step in. It could be a simple conversation to humble this guy or maybe he'll quit because he doesn't want to put the work in to change.
I see this a lot where people just quit to avoid the confronting the behavior and the bad behavior just continues. But what happens if we fix the behavior and show the person it's not acceptable? You're going to deal with this types of people in life. Does that mean you just keep quitting to avoid it? Granted, if the boss isn't listening that is a different story. But if you go to your boss and tell them people are thinking of quitting because of this one individual and ask your boss if they can facilitate a feedback meeting with this person, they might just say yes and then the ball gets rolling to fix the issue.
If this person is a bully, most likely they won't change. But sometimes they do. What I've found is in life, most people don't confront these people often, if at all. So maybe he doesn't truly realize how he is showing up. All you can do is try. Although it's not iur jib to fix these people, it's our job to set boundaries and teach people how to treat us.
Denise MillerFebruary 3,2022 at 2:27PM UTC
Start looking for another job. And know that you’re not obligated to take it because it could take up to 4 months anyhow to find a new job you really like. By then the toxic hires behavior will have gone one of two ways: 1) better or 2) more negative. But at least you’ll have options and you will have prevented yourself from being drained in a toxic environment. A younger me would have agreed with so many comments about riding it out but the problem is your boss is not on board. As long as your boss condones this behavior, it won’t get better. This new hire has no reason to assimilate with the team culture because he is being supported to be exactly how he behaves. Something will have to change before this gets better. Either your boss leaves, the new hire leaves or you leave. Sorry for the direct truth, but life is too short to waste one single minute in a bad environment. Picture this, how long would you purposely stand in a trash bin? Probably never or less than one minute.. Approach this with the same attitude. And good luck. I really do feel for you!
AnonymousFebruary 3,2022 at 2:33PM UTC
It's time to leave that company as quickly as possible. You are not there to do the emotional labor of helping him grow up by calling him out, responding wittily, or giving him time to settle in.
You mention how you dread "when he has to give feedback to other teammates, who often come to me to put back together the pieces." He must know this is happening and that means there is already a target on your back. Nothing goads a mediocre man more than a competent woman. And when your boss started gaslighting you on it, you should assume that a file is now being compiled on your 'difficulties.' Expect to watch him promote the new team member while your career stalls over minor issues.
During your exit interview with HR, be specific on how chauvinism cost the company talent. Once you've left, go on to Glass Door and name and shame. You'll be doing the next competent woman about to work there a favor.
Focused721350February 3,2022 at 2:35PM UTC
Good Morning,
You didn't work you bum off to let these men chase you out! News flash!!! They're doing it on purpose. You women stick together and show these CLOWNS that this behavior is unacceptable! Especially! In the work environment. Us women need to get stronger and not let men push us over. This is 2022 and not 1950's!!!!!
Good Luck and God Bess!!! Ms. T ;)
NikkiFebruary 3,2022 at 2:45PM UTC
How awful. It's particularly upsetting when everything was going well, and then one new person upsets everything and creates misery where there was none before. There are 3 of you who are all feeling the same way; 2 are seeking to leave. There is nothing to lose if you all write down quotes, with dates and times and subjects for one week, then call for a meeting with the big boss and share the documentation. The big boss might not care, in which case you will also leave. At least the truth will be spoken. In unity, there is strength! Good luck.
AnonymousFebruary 3,2022 at 3:24PM UTC
Documentation is a powerful force--I think this is good advice.
AnonymousFebruary 3,2022 at 3:06PM UTC
Not much. Reporting the incident to HR is an alternative, especially if your manager did not address it after discussing your concerns w him.
Arlene Frances Gottardo (Bryak)February 3,2022 at 3:13PM UTC
C’mon! Have some fun with this! You have to admit, the guy’s not boring! I’d just find a way to deal w/him, in a silly, friendly, slightly-irreverent manner. If the rest of the group stands firm (not being mean, disrespectful, etc), he’ll fall in line. No, I’m not suggesting “Boys will be boys”, but just stand firm in keeping your workplace a safe, friendly one. It sounds like you appreciate your job and career. I’m wondering if this new guy is just trying to fit in -albeit in an off-beat way?
AnonymousFebruary 3,2022 at 3:18PM UTC
I had a former coworker (bully) start her stuff with me in our new department. It got me very upset and questioning my abilities and where I stood in my new position. So, I went on YouTube and just started to watch how to deal with toxic coworker videos. The first thing I learned was I can't change their behavior, but I can change mine. Now, I do know I have my management support and the coworker has burned everybody, so they take the shenanigans with a grain of salt. I don't see that kind of support in your case. I would watch the videos and just see if there is anything you can do to at least improve the situation. As to the snide remarks, my fav is ... I'm sorry... what did you say? And they make a comment, and you just go Oh. This brings the snide to the fore front and gives them a call out. If they have any kind of sense, they will learn quickly you're a force and will back off. If no sense, then Mom Death stare. That works for me.
CarolineFebruary 3,2022 at 3:23PM UTC
Unfortunately this sounds like a pretty standard narcissist/enabler dynamic that’s been started on your team. Your boss likely has suffered some narcissistic abuse during his/her formative years and is falling into a comfort zone of narcissistic abuse and codependency.
You can’t really do much here because your boss isn’t in control anymore, your coworker is, and whenever you choose to question or buck the dynamic, you’ll inadvertently take on the role of scapegoat (if you haven’t already) which will make you even more miserable.
My advice is document everything. Record meetings with your coworker, communicate electronically, write down post meeting “notes” and send them to whoever to create that paper trail, etc. Whatever makes sense for you. It will give you evidence if you get thrown under the bus, but it’ll also keep you from feeling like you’re losing your mind. Gaslighting is very common in the workplace.
And keep HR in the loop, but you also need to remember that HR works for the company, not for you. Their goals are keeping the company successful and if your coworker and boss are hitting their KPIs and doing an objectively good job, then you’re going to end up being thrown under that bus again. Unfortunately that’s just how most HR departments are structured.
Hopefully this helps you gain the insight you need to recognize the situation for what it is so you can make decisions based on what makes the most sense for you. Like someone else on this thread said, it’s not on you to fix these people and their issues. Sure, you can fight it, but you’ll be happier looking for a healthier place to be and going there instead.
AnonymousFebruary 3,2022 at 3:24PM UTC
I agree that these "interactions" with the new teammate need to be documented and discussed with boss/manager. And I also agree that if that does not provide positive results, ask the boss/manager to discuss issues with new teammate openly. Lastly, if that is not resulting in actions towards improving issues, call in HR. As an HR professional I've had many "interventions" with co-workers, managers/subordinates, etc. to discuss appropriate interactions and behaviors ranging from ineffective, unconstructive, bullying, uncollaborative, inefficient, to straight out abusive/dangerous. It needs to be addressed and fixed because walking away will not enlighten anyone, especially the perpetrator.
AnonymousFebruary 3,2022 at 3:27PM UTC
I would definitely reach out to HR, and would document the snide remarks, disparaging comments, etc. I would include in there when your boss seemingly joins in or belittles you for mentioning something. At a minimum, HR can help you have a conversation with him and/or your boss about what is going on, and can coach him on how to provide criticism without belittling people. It may not work, so I'd also look for another job, but it's worth a try. Also, if your coworkers leave, tell them to insist on exit interviews with HR, where they need to discuss that the issue is this person and your boss's lack of reeling in the person.
Elise PilkingtonFebruary 3,2022 at 3:31PM UTC
The workplace culture changes in some way every time a new team member joins or an old one departs; it's unavoidable. You and your co-workers feel the change has been a negative one, your boss doesn't seem to agree. The behavior you are describing sounds pretty familiar to me. I worked with men extensively for most of my career, then in an environment where women were the overwhelming majority. This difference can make for distinctly different work cultures, even if this is not PC to say.
What I would do is call out the newbie in the moment when he does or says something disrespectful. I wouldn't complain to the boss unless it is blatantly illegal (i.e., harassment). Encourage your co-workers to do the same. If the behavior is exposed for what it is, repeatedly and in front of the boss, he should get the message in time and either behave in a more respectful way or become uncomfortable and leave.
If you feel really uncomfortable doing this or don't feel you should be made to stand up for yourself without support from boss, this might not be the right kind of environment for you. But you might consider giving it a try anyway; some people behave badly until they're called out on it; once you show them you won't take their disrespect they stop. Good luck!
EMILY KIKUE FRANKFebruary 3,2022 at 3:33PM UTC
Definitely document everything and keep HR informed, but start looking for something new, as well. Your boss has shown his true colors by supporting the jerk and not you, so chances that things will get better are slim. It only takes one person to toxify a workplace, and once things have started, they don't improve easily. I have worked with a lot of clients who stuck it out in toxic workplaces, and what usually happens is that they start to doubt their own abilities or to have real health issues. You matter too. Start looking.
LovelyBirdFebruary 3,2022 at 4:08PM UTC
I am sorry this is happening to you. This type of behavior is not ok. One thing I encourage you to remember: do not fear the hurtful words of others. Do not allow them to have power. I don’t diminish the hurt words can cause but don’t give them power. When you don’t confront the hurtful words spoken, they have power. I recommend stopping in the moment when these words are spoken. In the next meeting, the moment a distasteful, unprofessional, demeaning comment is made, hold up your palm and firmly say “Stop. No.” Stop all conversation and call out the behavior/words in the moment and set that boundary in the moment. Sometimes discussions after the fact (hours, days later) lose the power. Set the boundary in the moment. You cannot control their behavior; you can only control your response and teach people how you want to be treated by setting clear boundaries about how you will and will not be spoken to. Absolutely report the behavior to HR - all of you who have had this complaint should seek a joint meeting with HR. They cannot ignore the numbers. The boss will not likely be helpful if he has already dismissed your concerns so there is no need to let your right hand know what your left hand is doing, so to speak. Ask if you can file individual and joint complaints/documentation with HR. If you really enjoy your job, don’t let someone chase you out the door. BUT it’s all about perspective: Even if you really enjoy this job, is it worth your peace? If the behavior is not changed after HR involvement, and it is affecting your mental health, it may be time to look for another position. Don’t let pride keep you stuck somewhere you’re negatively affected every day. Wishing you the best of healing and help in this situation.
Joanna PoeFebruary 3,2022 at 4:24PM UTC
If other people are looking, then it's not just you being overly sensitive. Ask your boss right to his face if he values the team y'all have built over this new hire, and tell him if he doesn't make that plain by modeling good team behavior instead of enabling the new guy, he's going to risk losing his team and being left with just that guy.
MonicaFebruary 3,2022 at 4:34PM UTC
You have more than one person perceiving his behavior as unprofessional and toxic. It isn't in your head and you're not being overly sensitive. If your boss isn't listening and joins in on his behavior, you may need to join the other two and look for another job. I'd attempt one more conversation with my boss before deciding whether you want to stay in this unhealthy work environment.
Karen GongawareFebruary 3,2022 at 4:58PM UTC
Hostile work environment. hmmm. Illegal. Document all meetings and comments. You can go after them or you can get a different job. But no matter what, you have to learn to be assertive and shut down verbal bullies. They are everywhere. Take an assertiveness training or read the book about the Top 10 Personalities We Hate. He's a Sniper and your boss is an enabler who is letting this guy put down the women because that is how your boss really feels. Sad but true. Do you stay or do you let your feet do the walking? Me, I am an assertive person who has never had any trouble telling someone to STOP and let others speak. Been called quite a few names by insecure boys too. LOL! I am still here and they are gone.
Kerry RoperFebruary 3,2022 at 5:37PM UTC
My personal experience has proven to me that I put a vibe out that disallows bullying or aggressive managers -full stop. I have worked with CEOs who have sent other women to the loony bin (NOT an exaggeration). I've witnessed atrocious actions toward other women, but none of them crossed the line with me. Maybe my line is not in the same spot as other women. I only know I grew up in a verbally actionable family, and had to keep my wits sharp and a snappy comeback always at the ready. Maybe it was bc I had been cornered and assaulted by a supervisor at McDonalds when I worked for them in High School, he was fired for it, and I learned the value of speaking up for myself, thank God. That was a long time ago, but maybe it's what made me this way. Learning to listen and listening to learn are two of the transferable work skills that the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous taught me. That's right. Just sayin. I highly recommend assertiveness training, public speaking, anything that gives you confidence will always help. Because you will always be the last one to "answer to" when you review how you handled this situation. If this job means a lot to you, you will stand up for both yourself and the women who are in need of leadership at this exact moment.
Shelby CFebruary 3,2022 at 5:01PM UTC
Whether it has gone from a safe place to a toxic environment is not the matter at hand. It is the perception of the new environment and how it makes you (and others) feel that matter. What may be okay to some people, is just insensitive to others which is why being open to feedback is imperative. Managers need to listen. We have one mouth and two ears for a reason. Almost everyone has an "Open Door Policy". Part of that means that we don't ever dismiss anyone's feelings because even if we believe they are unfounded, they still matter to that person and that person is important.
Thus, it is my professional opinion that your manager is not a very good one. He is insensitive and while he may be good in his subject matter, he is not good with people. This should not have occurred under experienced leadership.
Your co-worker sounds like he is extremely insensitive, insecure, and self-absorbed. He is most likely a narcissist as well. They typically do well when they work alone for a reason. They are toxic.
Unfortunately, I don't think that HR would be of much assistance here. After you have been onboarded, they typically only care when an employee comes to them with a complaint that could carry some sort of liability. They treat management differently.
I would make a list of your grievances with examples. I would start a log and ask the others to do the same. When you have enough examples, I would go to your manager's boss or even a level higher. I would ask to make an appointment or if you run into them ask if they have a moment to speak privately. Make sure you tell them you value their time and want to ensure it is convenient. Don't take the lists or logs with you and don't mention them. State basically what you have said above, that it is affecting productivity, you know turnover is expensive, you do not want to see two highly valued employees leave (get their permission before you out them or keep it vague), and you don't want to go either. Then, talk up the company, your position, and what you like about being there. After that state how the situation has affected those things. When you give examples, an intelligent leader will ask when and for particulars. That is when you say you have logs. It is a turning point letting them know that you take this situation very seriously, but you want to get your point across prior to them only hearing "lawsuit for hostile work environment". They don't hear much after you tell them you have documentation. If your team meetings are virtual, record them if it is legal in your state. Document everything you can legally.
Polish up your resume just in case. I had a similar situation. They sent my manager to training on unpaid leave and I got a promotion and transfer to get away from the toxicity.
Best of luck!
Tom ReulandFebruary 3,2022 at 5:04PM UTC
I’m sorry to hear this is there any way to go above your
Bosses head?
AnonymousFebruary 3,2022 at 5:05PM UTC
I can relate to this type of situation during my past employment. At least in your situation, there are others who are willing to acknowledge the toxic behavior, as most of it is not done strictly behind closed doors like in my situation. HR is typically not much help. You can report this to your boss' boss with other teammates, then again that might backfire. It is not a situation where you want to stay, it sounds like. If your boss condones it and there isn't a way to stop the narcissistic abusive behavior, then there isn't much you can do. This kind of thing typically gets worse, where you and your teammate's advice get ignored, productivity goes downhill, and so on. You may have to cut your losses.
AnonymousFebruary 3,2022 at 5:37PM UTC
When that toxic person makes a snide remark, say, “I’m sorry, what was that?” I dare him to repeat the negativity spewing from his mouth. If the coworker is giving feedback in an open environment, ask him to explain further and include a suggestion. Simply telling me my work is X, but not referencing why with a suggestion is someone talking just to be talking. I’ll be damned if I’m going to let someone gaslight me at work. Anyone in the office affected by a behavior should ALL speak up when this toxic behavior rears it’s ugly head and at the time it happens. It wont have as much impact if it’s brought to his attention later. Lastly, document. Document interactions to include dates, time, who was present, and what was said.
Sorry you’re experiencing this and I genuinely wish you well!
Jacqueline CullerFebruary 3,2022 at 8:01PM UTC
I completely agree, except for the “I’m sorry” part. No need to apologize when telling someone to repeat their atrocious comment.
Liz MilneFebruary 3,2022 at 8:23PM UTC
Yeah, agree - use, 'I beg your pardon' or 'could you repeat that' - much better. 'I'm sorry' puts you on the defensive, the other two, esp 'repeat that' are mildly attacking and will instantly make him think, 'Oh crap, what did I say?' and put *him* on the back foot!
Megan HamiltonFebruary 3,2022 at 5:38PM UTC
Ugh this really stinks and I'm so sorry you're in the thick of it.
I coach folks through managing garbage behaviour/environments like this, and I'll share some tips with you in case they resonate.
Call it out. When he's interrupting you, you can say "Hey Andrew, you keep interrupting me, and it's making it difficult to get my point across. I'll take questions when I'm finished."
Snide remarks have no place in a work environment. Again, call it out. "That's incredibly disrespectful." "I'm not comfortable with where this is going."
And one of the hardest things to do is stay calm. Men have been downplaying women for centuries, and that's exactly what he's doing.
Practising controlled breathing allows you to stay calm so that you CAN speak up. I advocate breathing in for 3, holding for 3, releasing for 6 - for at least 2 minutes, and especially ahead of any encounter you have with him.
Give yourself an out. Decide that if this gets to the point where you can't take it, you'll allow yourself to quit. I did that for an incredibly toxic work environment once and it completely changed my mindset, and allowed me to care less about what was happening. (Thankfully I had a partner with a job, so it was a possibility for me, though I didn't use it.)
Use your body to take up space. Stand tall. Sit tall. Keep your feet hip or shoulder length apart. Embodying physical strength can be a game changer when dealing with misogyny.
Good luck and I'm so sorry you're going through this!!
Stacy CapelloFebruary 3,2022 at 6:46PM UTC
well said! I am completely with you on how to handle this unprofessional moron. It is never okay to be toxic in any environment. I have had to deal with a coworker like this and fortunately he was let go due to his behavior.
AnonymousFebruary 3,2022 at 6:07PM UTC
Lots of great information shared by everyone. The toxicity can wear on you over time eroding at your mental health. Documentation is a great thing. Putting situations in black and white can aid to keep you grounded as well as talking points if you decide to seek HR. Consider outside support. If there is an Employee Assistance Program use it if you need that immediate support. Not a good idea to get support from departmental coworkers. Push come to shove these people might not come forward if you go to HR. New coworker could also garner support away from you leaving you isolated. As people decide to leave there might be more people hired in like this new person. Plan your exit strategy! If you decide the HR route ensure you have your exit strategy in place. Be prepared that nothing may change. Be prepared the situation can actually get worse afterwards. Do your best to maintain composure and professionalism. Yesterday I resigned from a toxic department/organization after two years of being harassed, bullied, and emotionally abused. There are so many factors that tie into our workplace so I understand it's never easy to choose to move on. That's why I remained for two years when I should have left after six months in. Wish you the best : )
AnonymousFebruary 3,2022 at 6:54PM UTC
Life is waaaaayyyyy to short to endure a toxic work environment. It will seep into every corner of your physical, emotional, and mental well being. Get out! The quicker the better before you have to spend time and money on doctors, counselors, and medical bills. Been there, done that
Farheen HasanFebruary 3,2022 at 7:53PM UTC
I wholeheartedly agree!
You can’t get away from this fast enough.
rgstaffing@bellsouth.netFebruary 3,2022 at 8:31PM UTC
a lot of good and sensible advice here.
AnonymousFebruary 3,2022 at 7:29PM UTC
Time to start documenting his FOUL behavior. And create a paper trail to DESTROY this pond scum of a person!! Seriously. We are all professionals here--people need to take courses in mannerism, professionalism and ethics. It's absurd that adults that are there to produce have to deal with these dysfunctional folks. Period.
AnonymousFebruary 3,2022 at 9:19PM UTC
I wonder what that course in professionalism would say about calling somekne you’ve never met or dealt with pond scum…
Liz MilneFebruary 3,2022 at 8:20PM UTC
Call him out, each and every time - you AND the other teammates. Yes, it feels horrible, no, you don't have to be rude to do it, and hopefully it will turn the tables on him.
Seems like he's playing the boys' club card by being the only man in the office aside from the boss - show him that it's the lionesses who have the real power...
When he runs to boss, say, 'Oh, I think he's just being over sensitive,' and refuse to admit that you've done anything wrong (which you won't have done - you're just behaving like him to him...)
Tierra Alston-JohnsonFebruary 3,2022 at 9:26PM UTC
I'd also recommend looking up Dr. Ramani videos on YouTube. She's a clinical psychologist that specializes in narcissism and antagonistic personalities. She offers a lot of advice on working with toxic bosses/coworkers.
Unfortunately, a lot of supervisors and HR departments don't know how to deal with toxic employees. You can't exactly fire a guy for being a jerk, at least not without documenting everything.
AyianFebruary 4,2022 at 1:49PM UTC
Since most states are at will, you can, in fact, dismiss an employee for not being a good fit for the team.
Ramona d'ViolaFebruary 3,2022 at 9:33PM UTC
You, my dear, are in the midst of a mansplainer...Document his nonsense, then learn how to cut him off and get on with being the "Senior" brain trust for your team.
AnonymousFebruary 3,2022 at 10:00PM UTC
I'm a big fan of staring quietly with no response at people who engage in this behavior. If it doesn't make him or your boss uncomfortable (especially if several of you do it), it is time to find a new gig. Sociopathy is not a fun time.
Kari ParkerFebruary 3,2022 at 10:44PM UTC
If it were me, I'd give my boss one more try and then hit up HR, assuming you have an effective HR available.
How new is he? Maybe it's his way of dealing with nervous energy in a new atmosphere?
AnonymousFebruary 3,2022 at 10:52PM UTC
Get a reputable lawyer. Also consider a therapist. You will need someone to guide you through this difficult process and possibly get justice.
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Are your co-workers brave enough to help stand up to your tormenters? Or would they cowardly rat you out if you asked them for help? First talk to that professional.
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Otherwise, without guidance, you will vulnerable an emotional breakdown that could worsen your situation.
Trina HarrisFebruary 3,2022 at 11:44PM UTC
This is a tough situation, especially since it seems like your boss is not recognizing the issue. First off, start looking for another job asap - accept any phone interviews, as it is always good to keep your interview skills current. There are so many good companies now who are focusing on diversity, inclusion, and promoting women, that you don't need to stay in your current situation.
I was in a similar situation, the difference being that the toxic employee also was rude to our management team. He did end up being laid off, but I was fortunate to have supportive management.
And - draft up your Glassdoor review. Think of it as fair warning to any unsuspecting candidates to save them from a toxic environment.
Best of luck!
Stephanie DreweFebruary 4,2022 at 2:23AM UTC
I have to agree here. HR protect those in power. They do little to rectify these types of situations.
AnonymousFebruary 4,2022 at 3:24AM UTC
That's a bit unfair to say. If thisis your experience with HR you have worked for the wrong companies.
Kerry RoperFebruary 4,2022 at 9:17PM UTC
Then there are a LOT of WRONG type companies out there hiring.
Remember, not everyone has the creds to get a job working for a Fortune 500 business. The key is to be flexible enough to deal with people from both extremes. Life is not about trying to force FAIRNESS into every conversation, every boss, or every law, we have to learn to live in the gray areas.
AnonymousFebruary 5,2022 at 2:44AM UTC
If thisis (sic) your experience with HR you have worked for most companies.
Fixed it.
Stephanie DreweFebruary 4,2022 at 2:32AM UTC
I can't believe that men still try on the 'you're being too sensitive' line. This shows blantant disrespect, lack of understanding and lack of leadership. This is 'gaslighting'. I'd suggest looking for something new and in the mean time, call out his behaviour - challenge any disrespectful or disparaging comments. Knowing you have one foot out the door might make this easier to do. If you have an exit interview, this is also a great time to tell those in power of his toxicity and the effect it's having on the team.
AnonymousFebruary 4,2022 at 6:52PM UTC
It’s not just men. I work at a nonprofit comprised primarily of women. They’re big into The Four Agreements—particularly the “Don’t take anything personally” one. The result is a handful of toxic people emboldened to behave like raging bullies. If anyone challenges the behavior, they’re labeled as too sensitive and told “It’s not about you.” Seriously frustrating.
AnonymousFebruary 4,2022 at 8:54PM UTC
I agree that it isn't just men. Probably 90% of the issues I've had since I've been employed have been with other women acting like bullies and being toxic.
Dagney TaggartFebruary 5,2022 at 2:39AM UTC
To me, I would much rather work with men than women. Because I'm an extremely assertive woman, men respect me and tell it like it is. Women, on the other hand, have been catty and snide beyond belief. I left my last job because of a toxic female manager and have never looked back.
AnonymousFebruary 6,2022 at 2:38AM UTC
Yes!!! I left a job with two toxic female managers, both mine and her manager. I spent numerous days crying in the bathroom because they made my life miserable. It was a horrible place to work because of them, and their department had horrible retention numbers. Once I left and started elsewhere, I told former coworkers about my new job, and two of them followed me.
AnonymousFebruary 4,2022 at 6:45AM UTC
Are you able to speak to another manager about this? It’s frustrating that this still happens but it does. I’m working currently at a new office where for the most part it’s fine. My manager also is agreeable but to a certain point - if you have a counter opinion he will react in defense. To deal with this I remain calm and not seem like I’m attacking him but that I’m trying to understand. (Women are sensitive?). Try to build your alliances, it’s too bad other women have decided to quit. You can decide to make the case that the workplace needs better psychological safety, and you can decide if it’s time to move on and find a company where you are appreciated.
AnonymousFebruary 4,2022 at 1:40PM UTC
I am in a similar situation. Once my colleague was disrespectful to me and my team, I had a 1:1 direct conversation with him to explain how his actions affected others, because one, I wanted to be sure he was self-aware of it, and two, I needed to put up healthy boundaries for myself and my team. I did report it as was not new behavior, and it continues. But, for me, by talking to him and then distancing myself and my team to minimum conversations with him, has helped.
I totally understand how frustrating it is, and as a leader, I would address it (now) if it were someone on my team, and if their behavior does not improve, we would have to talk about termination. It is sad some managers allow a toxic worker linger which only causes the great employees you have, such as yourself, to consider moving on to other companies.
I hope this helps... I would start with his manager or HR, and if nothing happens there, perhaps talking with him 1:1 but be sure to document it, just in case. If nothing happens, then it may be time to move on as it is not worth the mental stress. I wish you all the best!
BoopsaFebruary 4,2022 at 9:39PM UTC
I agree addressing it is important. I would also ask the other team member 1-1 to see if they share the same sentiment you do. If they do, maybe you can all join efforts and address this with the manager. The power is in the unity. Good luck. I myself had to finally address it and had a serious conversation with the aggressor and it seemed to have gotten better.
Sue Gordon- retired Career CoachFebruary 4,2022 at 2:16PM UTC
Ugh. The key here is that you spoke to your boss, but he's buddied up with the new guy. Sadly, move on.
If any of the comments do rise to harrassment or gender discrimination, you could involve HR, but looking to your next opportunity may be your best bet. I'm sorry.
Your boss may not wake up till the rest of you have left. :-(.
AnonymousFebruary 4,2022 at 2:22PM UTC
Whatever you do don’t go to HR.
HR is not your friend. They are there to protect the business interest. I am speaking from my personal experience. I worked with two toxic people in a team of three. Constant criticisms and negativity from one and belittling, sarcastic remarks and gaslighting from the other. I was moved to a different team when I requested to change my seat as I couldn’t stand sitting next to an energy drainer, a toxic naysayer who doesn’t see anything positive in anything or in anyone.
I was moved to a different team instead and they took advantage of the situation that if I didn’t make it there I had nowhere to go. I faced an extremely arrogant and judgmental person and an extremely insecure female coworker. She excluded me from the team and was passive-aggressive on daily basis. The more I ignored her the more she became obsessive with me and followed me until the bathroom with her passive aggression - blocking my way, staring at me with dismissive and ugly looks.
Among so many abuses and harassments I endured, I only mentioned a couple of them to the manager when things really started to affect my work like the guy in the different team stopped knowledge transferring and even answering my questions.
Later, I was the one put on PIP by the HR and by the so called manager. Thanks guys and girls!
Jennifer FranklinFebruary 4,2022 at 6:57PM UTC
I understand your frustrations, I am a HR Manager and this is not uncommon in my profession. HOWEVER I would encourage anyone facing such issues to ask for a meeting with HR and the upper management. You will want to prepare for this meeting by providing documentation of the incident(s) with dates and as much clear detail as possible. If you can get statements from other members of your team or managers do so. Present at the meeting and ask respectfully for follow up. Be prepared in advance that you may be putting yourself in jeopardy. If you are asked to resign at any point after this meeting you have cause for a labor suit. You can also ask for compensation in agreement you will not pursue a law suit. This compensation should include salary and benefits. Your benefits will increase greatly via COBRA so ask for the full amount currently being paid by your employer for a minimum of 4 months. You will need that amount of time to find another job and qualify for the new employers insurance benefit coverage. They may not like it but this is fair and they will prefer you do not speak about the issue to others and cause further HR problems. In the event you chose not to stay, start looking immediately and offer to resign if the tension continues with the same request for compensation. BUT make sure all is documented with HR. And you get signed copies that all documentation has been received and entered into your record.
StillDetoxingFebruary 4,2022 at 7:19PM UTC
Thanks for the response. I totally lost my faith in HR though there are very few HRs who are empathetic.
Seems I could have asked for compensation as I was unemployed for 3 months after leaving that toxic environment and suffered so much from anxiety and still recovering from it.
I promised myself that I will never stay in a toxic environment any more. Luckily I had two jobs since then and had great experience in both.
Gretchen SkalkaFebruary 4,2022 at 2:32PM UTC
So that makes three women on a team of how many? And what is the makeup of the team? There may be others who haven't spoken up/out about it but may also be concerned.
So - power in numbers.
But that power won't materialize for you unless you document, document, document.
Start making notes of the incidents, the specifics of what was said or implied, the dates, etc. That will reveal a pattern and frequency.
Give yourselves time to gather documentation. It's going to be frustrating, but armed with that tangible evidence of egregious behavior from each of you - you can all present a clear case and need for change.
AnonymousFebruary 4,2022 at 4:05PM UTC
Call him on it in the moment. Say, "Can you repeat the comment you just made? Because it felt callous, snide, and I'd like to talk about why it was hurtful and unwelcome."
AnonymousFebruary 4,2022 at 7:04PM UTC
True.
Never stay silent. I made that mistake. Staying silent when abuse is happening is a sign of insecurity and it will pave the way for more abusive behaviors. The more you stay silent, they will feel more empowered to continue their bad behavior.
TKFebruary 4,2022 at 8:08PM UTC
if you can, i'd agree w/ the OP to call him out on it in the meeting. i someone else's suggestion of how to put it like: 'oh can you repeat that? i don't think you meant to come off as insensitive....' and it's not just YOU being 'sensitive' it's the other women. so what's wrong with being sensitive, all of your team members deserve to be in a safe environment.
StillDetoxingFebruary 4,2022 at 5:44PM UTC
He is clearly showing some signs of narcissism.
He belongs to a conversational narcissist type. I was put up with one once. Had to quit my job as he put more energy in playing games than doing his job or allowing me to do mine properly. He has opinions over anything and everything and when you provide feedback to his work, he gets very upset and defensive. He rejects it until someone with power comes to confirm my view and Makes sure he will come back with nitpicking in my work next time to get revenge. Very exhausting to work with people like that.
I am so sorry that you are in this situation now.
The job market is really good. See it as an opportunity to increase your paycheck:)
AnonymousFebruary 4,2022 at 8:09PM UTC
The number of comments advising not to go to HR are interesting. And I agree HR is not for employees but there to protect the organization’s interests. HR will not help you.
Kristie WhiteFebruary 4,2022 at 11:31PM UTC
I'm not sure I agree that going to HR is a bad idea. And yes, I have a career in HR. True - HR doesn't (IMO) do enough training of managers or holding managers accountable. True - your manager has buddied up with this guy and now they are the good ol' boys. What I found worked very effectively for me was the turn the tables. When the remarks started and I found myself feeling uncomfortable and awkward, I turned the conversation around so the brunt of the joke became the inappropriate man. I didn't do it in a mean way, but a joking way, like we were all cutting up. For example, once when going to lunch with the "management" team when I was the only female, one of my co-managers started talking about working on a porn film. (You can imagine how uncomfortable I was and so were a few other men.) My co-worker continued to talk about how difficult it was. So then I piped up "What's the matter (name), couldn't get any work?"
My point is that my boss loved it. He burst out laughing and my co-workers began to learn that if they started harassing the women, I would turn the tails on them. I think sometimes we look to HR to solve the problem when what we really need to do is figure out a defensive plan. This guy is likely a lazy coward who gets ahead by being a fake friend to the boss. If you start turning the tails, he's going to look like the one with thin skin.
AnonymousFebruary 5,2022 at 7:44AM UTC
Are we just here to do the jobs were told ? Or can we refuse and follow our dreams
AnonymousFebruary 5,2022 at 11:29AM UTC
If you don't want to leave insulate yourself. There are toxic people abd company cultures everywhere all day long. But happy, strong and satisfied people are far less likely to be impacted to any great degree. These folks have a strong center and enjoy their lives both in and out if work. They love their lives and roll with adversity and find ways to avoid negativity and thrive.
So fortify yourself against toxicity with a strong, vibrant life full of joy, curiosity, health and emotional strength.
Toxic people are everywhere. Why should work places be any different? You can make tgem your center of attention or find ways to avoid their influence.
Betsy Walters, CALCFebruary 5,2022 at 2:29PM UTC
Hi -
I agree with TK and Gretchen - you need to document every inappropriate word, behavior, or joke, etc. And get the other women on the team to do the same. Be specific in the documentation.
1) Having others also documenting will give you power when you go to HR.
2) I would definitely meet with the other female team members and practice saying, "Can you repeat the comment you just made? Because it felt callous, snide, and I'd like to talk about why it was hurtful and unwelcome" or end with, "...and I think we both know that is unprofessional and unacceptable, right?" as OP wrote. You may include role playing as well.
3) Look for another job in the mean time. When the boss is in on it, the environment is toxic and doomed - I've experienced it.
It's never pleasant to find yourself in that position but my experience is that the environment will not change - even after you document, etc., so write a list of what environment is best for you and then go find that job.
Sorry...this is awful. Especially, for women.
AnonymousFebruary 5,2022 at 7:45PM UTC
Documenting what's being said and having other team members providing their feedback would give you leverage and evidence to meet with HR.
I'm not sure if that will give you the desired outcome so be prepared that some HR departments are looking out more for the company's interests than individuals. If you have evidence, I believe that requires them to make a report / investigate the charge to stop this behavior.
Something to think about, if the toxic team member is reprimanded or removed, do you still want to work under your boss? It was a good environment in the past but things changed. If that manager didn't have your side and joined in or condoned the behavior, that feels like a red flag that it's not just this team member that is the problem. Figure out what you want now rather than past circumstances. Good luck!
AnonymousFebruary 6,2022 at 12:31AM UTC
I have to say in my experience , if your boss likes him, and doesn’t see his faults - nothing will change anytime soon…. He is already driving you nuts;?unless you can do an 180• turn around from where you are now, and completely ignore his antics, and disrespectful, and arrogant attitude - you should probably be looking elsewhere as well … unfortunately for your boss I would have to say ??‍♀️ Stupid is, as stupid does. He is being work place blind, like many bosses are
Nayeli MirandaFebruary 6,2022 at 3:59AM UTC
I think you can set your limits (in the most professional manner possible). Additionally, I think you should have a conversation with HR just to set a precedent in case matter escalate, which with toxic people they often do.
Your coworker seems like someone who craves attentions and wants to control everyone.
If you can, try not to show your emotions and try no to react. For people like that you kind of have to try to remain as calm and cold as possible when interacting (is called the gray stone method), and only talk with him when necessary.
You really have to be the bigger person in the situation. You can try setting limits and, in the most professional way possible, explain why his behavior is problematic to him. Is he shows empathy that might solve the situation, otherwise you might be dealing with a narcissist, and there's a whole bunch of videos on YouTube on how to deal with those.
AnonymousFebruary 6,2022 at 8:07PM UTC
As others have said, document, document, document. Be very specific, with words, tone, and body language in the details. I'm in the "go to HR" camp, as your boss is of no help, and escalating is going to involve HR at some point.
One other small recommendation when giving your toxic coworker feedback: don't say something is "hurtful." It sounds too much like "you hurt my feelings," which comes off as whining (IMO). Use stronger descriptions, such as "that joke is improper, and totally unacceptable in a professional workplace. Someone with your credentials and background should know how to behave better than that." And then walk away.
Paula McLeod, Executive CoachFebruary 6,2022 at 9:05PM UTC
If you are meeting on Zoom, all the women could agree to use the thumbs down emoji whenever they hear an inappropriate remark (or even feedback they don't agree with). Just a thought.
AnonymousFebruary 7,2022 at 2:25AM UTC
I was in this situation and I ultimately ended up changing jobs. I tried to address the situation, but the arrogant guy would turn it around on me and make me sound negative. When new people got hired, he turned them against me, too. If you like your job, I hope you can fix it, but I recommend you be careful not to let it go on too long like I did.
StillDetoxingFebruary 7,2022 at 7:02PM UTC
It rings a bell.
They are good in turning your issue with them to an issue you against the whole team. Then in manager’s view, you are the problem not them. Glad that you get out!
Arlene Frances Gottardo (Bryak)February 7,2022 at 7:13PM UTC
IF you really love your job, the work, your colleagues,
the travel time, the location, etc., then you must stand your ground.
Rosa GoesFebruary 10,2022 at 4:30AM UTC
It sounds like your boss is gaslighting you. Sorry to hear your going through this. I recommend, like others mentioned, you start looking for other opportunities. Also HR may not be helpful. They are there for the company, not employees. It's hard when the boss likes the toxic person, not much you can do except speak your peace and move on.