How do you know if your boss is a narcissist?

28 Comments

1. AnonymousJune 19,2023 at 2:52PM UTC

   She could be either, but the label won't change the situation. You stated you have two direct bosses, and I assume she is one of them. How do you get along with the other boss? Do they collaborate at all? Is there any way your other boss can help? If you feel comfortable with the other boss, that's where I would go for help.

2. Susan Kirshner-SheldonJune 19,2023 at 4:13PM UTC

   Thanks! Boss 2 knows that Boss 1 is crazy so that's good. But we're a small unit so we all have to play nicely. Insert eye roll here.

3. AnonymousJune 19,2023 at 3:05PM UTC

   I think you nailed it with labeling her a narcissist. I had a supervisor years ago who took 100 % credit on a project that I worked on with THEIR superior. It took 6 months, and when rolled out - he thanked them- and I remember afterward going to them and telling them that they didn't know one thing about what I did, or how to continue with the project and it took a lot of nerve to take credit. I didn't get fired, since this narcissist was also a functioning alcoholic. OH well- guess what - don't let them know too much, don't try to get too chummy, and just keep doing you, because they will never ever change. Just remember though that the narcissist at work will promote themselves on YOUR back, and will make you seem like the bad guy in order to make their fake shine more "shiney'... Document what you do, hold your files secure, make sure you document convos too, and when it comes time for them to figure things out, let them do it on their own. And fail.

4. AnonymousJune 19,2023 at 4:11PM UTC

   Thank you! This is all very true. Crazy how many of them are out there in mgmt. Glad you found something better

5. Lorraine HerreraJune 20,2023 at 12:22PM UTC

   This type of people love positions of power. If you are in a career that is considered important by society, you find even more of them. Not precisely doing a hard work, they climb to management as soon as possible in their careers because they like the power.

6. AnonymousJune 19,2023 at 5:15PM UTC

   I agree with the other posters, you should be able to talk to your other direct boss and figure out a way to either work with her, or RUN! Start looking to see what else is out there if there’s no resolution, because you’re going to end up stressing yourself out being in that situation.

7. AnonymousJune 19,2023 at 8:56PM UTC

   I worked for someone like this a few years ago when even used language like "because I say so" with me.

   I was more experienced than her but she was hired to be our team's boss due to a connection. I went through it all with her-- having ideas stolen, gaslighting, shunning, isolating me from other teammates, you name it. I eventually filed a harassment complaint against her, but alas, it was obvious management was going to back her (and they certainly did because she's been promoted for her terrible behavior) so I found a new job. In hindsight, I wish I had stood up to her more and fought back harder. I never needed her nor anyone else above her to be a reference. I think it's awful how so many good workers feel they have to take abuse due to fear of the abuser being able to destroy your chances of finding a better job. Too much power to give one bad apple in your life.

8. Lorraine HerreraJune 20,2023 at 12:20PM UTC

   I had a psycho boss that told me “well I see we won’t agree, but I win because I’m the boss”. I felt I was in third grade and another kid was telling me “ I win because my dad is taller than you”. That should have been my signal to run, because my next year there was extremely traumatic and still they ended letting me go under false pretense when I was about to get brain surgery and needed the most to have the insurance and short term disability. Is not worth it to stay when people already show us they can’t reason.

9. MislynJune 20,2023 at 2:00AM UTC

   Oh trust me you will know. My boss was the biggest narcissist I have ever met. And after talking to people that know him and his family well they tell me he gets it honest. I had two bosses as well and they did not like each other. I’m friends with one of the family’s and they hate the other owner. They have all told me he uses people and treats everyone like crap. Once you notice the bad behavior you need to get out. I wish I would have followed my instincts and left when I should have. I made that company alot of money and was completely taken advantage of. One owner even told me when he takes over the business himself he would love to have back. A narcissist boss can ruin you life. Start looking for another job.

10. AnonymousJune 22,2023 at 9:39PM UTC

    They can only ruin your life if you let them. Obviously there was some tension between the two of you because all your post are about him. Sounds like it worked out better for both of you that you found another job.

11. MislynJune 24,2023 at 12:46PM UTC

    I’ve never been treated so poorly he ruined my Life family life as well so yes it’s better that I found another job. He took up so much of my time I had no time for family and that caused issues. And yes I’m finally happy.

12. AnonymousJune 20,2023 at 11:40AM UTC

    Does the label you give her really matter? Your defense strategy will be the same. Do your job well, speak as little as possible and keep your ideas to yourself.

13. Lorraine HerreraJune 20,2023 at 12:14PM UTC

    In my experience an abusive boss is as traumatizing as abuse in personal relationships. I’ve had horrible experiences and stayed there and now I have a really hard time not bringing that experience and anxiety with me on my new amazing job, some days I see myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. You don’t need anybody’s validation that is bad if you already feel it bad and you are living in hyperawareness saving evidence of everything. If is possible to you, I would start looking for another job, don’t damage your nerves and your health for a job.

14. AnonymousJune 20,2023 at 12:26PM UTC

    Answering rude back is never the answer, to be honest. In the workplace you can't justify that. A best practice would be to follow up with an email that was discussed in the meeting, hoping that will allow for transparency. If you've dated a narcissist then you are aware of what won't work on them even in the workplace. You can't change them, don't try.

15. GirlBossanova934974June 20,2023 at 12:28PM UTC

    I don't know if what you are describing is a narcissist per se. In today's corporate America, there seems to be an endless supply of managers who will either try to steal your ideas and present them as their own OR discount/diminish your ideas as not worthwhile because they didn't think of them. The fact is that we have seen a lot of retirements in the last few years and the managerial replacements are in many cases, not quite up to the job. Then again, Corporate America is to blame for a lot of these issues as training/education for employees was largely neglected for nearly 20 years. The thought was that you could just find whatever you wanted by hiring from the outside. The old managers have now retired leaving a wave of untried, untested, and largely inexperienced manager replacements who are just trying to survive. Some have chosen a very unethical approach and/or shortcut.

16. Audrey KirschJune 20,2023 at 5:24PM UTC

    You are so right about the lack of training these days. Not everyone thrives by being thrown into a situation and expected just to figure it out.

17. AnonymousJune 20,2023 at 12:44PM UTC

    Trust your gut. People like your boss tend to get worse over time. I submitted my notice yesterday due to a narcissist boss (the Director of HR). She has gotten progressively worse to the point of yelling and insulting me. She was even put on a PIP for her horrible behavior yet she continues her toxic behavior. My advice is to try to keep the peace with your supervisor, document her behavior, and look for a new position.

18. AnonymousJune 20,2023 at 12:59PM UTC

    This doesn't sound like enough to say she's a narcissist. She sounds like she may be an insecure person, however. Trust your gut - things will likely not get better.

19. ANDREA RAGGAMBIJune 20,2023 at 2:31PM UTC

    I think it’s less about labeling this person as something and more about deciding how you can respond in a way that gets you where you want to go.
    Managers who create roadblocks are not uncommon unfortunately but it also sounds like her behaviors are a trigger for you because of your past experiences so it feels easy to clump her in that category and run. Your fight or flight is fully activated. I would take a step back and think about the big picture. Outside of the things that you don’t like about this person, what are you getting from the work, team members and experience in the role. There is rarely a panacea workplace these days so it’s better to focus on what you can control and create the experiences you want rather than focusing on what you are resisting or can’t control. What do you have control over? What’s great otherwise? What else can you learn including how to navigate difficult people and politics which could be invaluable in your life. This is probably presenting itself because it’s a lesson for your future self;) good luck! You got this!

20. AnonymousJune 20,2023 at 4:57PM UTC

    Am I the only one...your energy in this post is very rude and dismissive. It sounds like you're both the problem but I can't imagine responding this way to anyone, better yet my boss.

    It sounds like immaturity on both parts. Especially coming here to ask if she is a narcissist instead of asking for career advice to better your situation.

21. AnonymousJune 21,2023 at 1:17PM UTC

    Completely agree. The poster needs to take some accountability and should just find a new job.

22. Audrey KirschJune 20,2023 at 5:17PM UTC

    I don't think your boss is a narcissist, they are just insecure in their own abilities. Some people like to get ahead by stepping on others and taking their ideas because they don't have any of their own. People like this don't change. If you can, work your way into not having them as your boss. If that's not possible, you will need to decide if you can live with that type of behavior or not. As is repeated in many threads, document what is happening just in case you ever get the opportunity to share your side of things.

23. AnonymousJune 20,2023 at 6:13PM UTC

    Narcism can rear its ugly head in many ways. Narcissistic bosses come in all shapes and sizes. Some want all the credit for other people's work. Some never want to be the "bad guy" because it might tarnish their perceived halo. Some don't hear themselves speak and always seem to turn the conversation (regardless of topic) into something about them. Some are control freaks, even if they don't want to do the work themselves.

    It may come down to deciding how this personality type meshes with yours and if it is something you can live with or, at the least, work around.

24. AnonymousJune 20,2023 at 6:22PM UTC

    Start to track what you claim she is taking as her own. As your manager she is definitely entitled to oversee and look into any and all work that you do even things you may think she is overstepping. Perhaps sitting down with her and setting mutually agreed upon ways to work together acknowledging the places where this is either conflict or the potential of it could be useful. Don't go to the dark side on this because you will be the one hurt in the process if you do. Manage your manager and understanding their competencies or lack thereof and their triggers will get you through. You got this sister!

25. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistJune 21,2023 at 8:01AM UTC

    Does it really matter? If you're unhappy, look for another job.

26. AnonymousJune 22,2023 at 4:25PM UTC

    Oh she definitely is a narcissist. I have a mother in law who is a narcissist.

27. AnonymousJune 22,2023 at 5:36PM UTC

    Oh damn,she definitely is a narcissist.I too dealt with similar kind of boss, its a everyday stress and headache to deal with such kind of people.Its an additional task to watch out what they gonna come up with to make our life hell.

28. LilianaJune 22,2023 at 9:38PM UTC

    Sadly people like this never change or improve. I put up with bullying from a supervisor who treated me badly but was always the "victim" around everyone else. Definitely start documenting every instance. You can try and have a conversation with her and express your needs from a professional stand point with her such as being given proper recognition for your contributions and start keeping notes or request actionable items in writing after every meeting.