My workplace has become toxic.

Anonymous

May 30,2022 at 6:15PM UTC

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My workplace has become toxic. Previous to this year, I have enjoyed my work. I was able to shake off any negativity. Then, I experienced a loss of a beloved pet, my bonus mom, and two friends in the last three months of 2021. I sunk into a depression. I see a psychiatrist for anxiety, so I am now struggling to find the right combination of meds to level me out. During the first months of the year, I had conflict with my boss because I missed an important email. He wanted to punish me for a late response. I felt (and feel) insulted he would imply I was not doing my job bc of a missed email. If someone has an urgent need, wouldn’t they try other methods to reach me?! Then I sent a controversial email to another department because I was tired of them going over my head with minor complaints that could have easily been resolved by speaking to me first. And… apparently, I sent another controversial email in a thread when a person misunderstood my question. I thanked her, explained I was aware of the process she described, and apologized for being unclear. I then stated I should have been more clear about whom I had intended to direct the question. now i am concerned my team will be discriminated against due to me wearing a red letter. i do not want to leave my job right now. how do i make this right? do i have to leave to start over, be taken seriously?

feedback will be greatly appreciated :)

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AnonymousMay 30,2022 at 6:47PM UTC
First, I am so sorry you are having this experience. Second, did you ever take the time to grieve, like take a few weeks off (consecutive days) to process your grief? If not and if you have accrued PTO, take at least a week or 2 off. Get a journal. Try daily journaling. Mornings, write the outcome of what you want, harmony with your boss and colleagues. In the evening, journal your feelings and experiences. Pray over things you want and don't want in your life. Give yourself the time to heal. Get out in nature, hike, sit and read at a park. Get an hr of exercise everyday walking/swimming/running, etc. Spend 20min daily meditating to calm your mind. Or take 5 min breaks to meditate to disconnect from negative thought patterns. See this as going on a journey for healing. This not an overnight fix. What you described is alot of trauma to experience in 1 year. So practice self love, pull in your closest family and friends to share your thoughts. Don't bottle it up inside. Take your self-care and well being seriously.
AnonymousMay 30,2022 at 9:39PM UTC
I'm sorry to learn of these personal losses and the depression and anxiety that followed. I'm thrilled to hear that your working with a mental health professional to process your grief and and manage your depression. As someone who has also dealt with decades long anxiety, I can't encourage you strongly enough to be VERY assertive with your shrink to let them know your current Rx isn't working as desired. Give concrete examples of not being "leveled-out" and clear descriptions of how you're suffering in the work place. If this doc is waiting six months to adjust your meds or won't take calls in between appointments, find someone else.
Onto your work situation. You've described a series of unfortunate events so let me address these one by one. If your boss is upset over an email, it was either the most important email ever sent at your company, or the miss could have been a flub in a series of other mistakes. Something doesn't make sense about your narrative, I'm sorry! I hate to say this but you becoming defensive and insulted in response to his admonishment is a red flag. I've been there before and it sucks but sometimes you have to say: my mistake, I take full responsibility for myself and my actions and this is what I'll do next time to avoid this situation. Path of least resistance. I mean this with all do respect: your boss should not have to hunt you down over email, cell phone and carrier pigeon to express urgency over something.
As to the controversial emails, it sounds like you stood up and took responsibility for your role in these entanglements. But unfortunately, you've established yourself as a challenging employee...to both your boss and other departments. You seen as argumentative and erratic if you're calling out people over email for basic conflict resolution issues. You unfortunately put these things in writing rather than choosing a route without a paper trail.
There's no doubt that you have an uphill battle ahead of you to reestablish yourself as a reliable and trusted co-worker. You'll need to apply that very uncomfortable lens of self awareness and fully understand your role in these issues.
If I were in this situation, I'd sit down with my boss, take FULL responsibility for these various issues, talk about steps you're taking to address your personal issues, and steps you'll take to mend fences at work. I'd schedule regular check-in's to receive immediate and on-the-spot constructive feedback and look at some professional development courses. Finally, I'd look for a mentor to process these challenging work situations in a safe space.
Best of luck to you.