I need some advice!

Anonymous

January 16,2023 at 5:38PM UTC

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I need some advice! I worked with Shelly for 20 years. When she was terminated, we stayed in touch but she has nothing good to say about our former boss. Sadly this past weekend, her son passed away as a result of a decade long battle with addiction. They will be publishing an obituary in the newspapers this week. I know that Shelly would not want the former boss to reach out to her or attend the calling hours. I also know the former boss will be upset with me for not telling her about this. My gut tells me that it is not my place to do anything. Am I right?

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Loretta LynnJanuary 16,2023 at 5:44PM UTC
I recommend not saying anything. It's a private matter for the family and expectations otherwise are unprofessional. How your boss feels about it is not your responsibility. I would add that, if your work environment considers it your responsibility to tell people there, it is a bit of a red flag. If they ask you about it, you can just say the family considers it a private matter.
AnonymousJanuary 16,2023 at 5:53PM UTC
You are not responsible for brokering a line of communication between these two people. Do nothing, head down and eyes on your own paper. You’re on deck for none of this.
Lesa Edwards, Career Coach & Master Resume WriterJanuary 16,2023 at 6:07PM UTC
Agree 100%!
AnonymousJanuary 16,2023 at 7:33PM UTC
Trust your gut. I agree with the sentiments of the others that have commented so far. Decide what, if anything, you will do for paying respects yourself, and leave it at that. The only person/reactions/actions you can control are your own. A newspaper is a public forum, so the boss may well see it on their own.
Paulla Fetzek, MSEdJanuary 17,2023 at 2:09PM UTC
I'm sorry for the position you're in. I agree with the others, however, that you're not obligated to say anything to your boss. In the even your boss sees the obituary and mentions it, you could simply say something like, "This is how the family wished to notify everyone of what happened."
AnonymousJanuary 17,2023 at 2:44PM UTC
It is not - just let it take its own course and stay out of it
AnonymousJanuary 17,2023 at 3:18PM UTC
In times like this, it is best to defer to the line, "I always let the families decide how notifications are to be handled," and let it go at that. Unless she has said something about not wanting the former boss there, I would not suggest saying anything either way. You have no control over what she does once the obituary is published unless the calling hours are restricted to family and invited friends. Your former boss probably knows and understands that she would not be a welcome or wanted participant.
JJJanuary 18,2023 at 6:47AM UTC
Follow your gut, but your heart is in the right place.
Joycelyn M. SiameJanuary 18,2023 at 1:09PM UTC
Don't tell the boss. It is for Shelly to decide, and if your boss is upset about it, tell her that you believe it should be Shelly to tell her as it is a very difficult situation. Your boss should be an understanding person.
My condolences to your friend Shelly.
AnonymousJanuary 18,2023 at 1:23PM UTC
Unfortunately, your gut is right. I'm sorry that you're in such an awkward spot. It isn't your place to share with the boss, especially knowing how Shelly feels about the boss. You are being a good friend to Shelly by staying out of it; the last thing she needs in such a monumentally difficult time is to worry about reconnecting with an ex-boss she doesn't like.
About your boss...the reaction/feelings your boss might have about it is 1. not in your control, and 2. not your problem. I agree with another commenter here that, IF there's an expectation at your workplace for you to communicate personal updates about a previous employee, that's a yellow/red flag. There may be a disregard for personal boundaries that you should pay attention to and/or reflect on; just food for thought!
JulieJanuary 18,2023 at 1:31PM UTC
Why do you feel you have to say anything at all? If the manager sees the obit then fine. If not, then fine too. It costs nothing to stay in your own lane and mind your business
AnonymousJanuary 18,2023 at 1:46PM UTC
Why would your boss be upset with you and why do you think it’s your place to be the messenger? I re-read the post twice to ensure I hadn’t missed anything and nothing. I’m struggling just a tad with why you’re taking on this matter and/or feeling an “obligation” to divulge information you’re not obligated to divulge.
AnonymousJanuary 18,2023 at 2:01PM UTC
I would leave it alone. It’s not your responsibility to make sure your boss knows anything about a former coworkers loss. If the obituary is public, your boss can find it that was and decide for them self if they want to attend. Your boss does not have a right to get upset with you for not telling them something going on in your friends life, and since you no longer work together, you are just friends.
Reb562January 18,2023 at 2:23PM UTC
I'm so sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing great advice.
AnonymousJanuary 18,2023 at 2:57PM UTC
It's not your place
AnonymousJanuary 18,2023 at 3:02PM UTC
This is not your story to share, to her former boss or anyone else. Your gut is correct.
Angie DentonJanuary 18,2023 at 4:13PM UTC
This is not for you to share. If your boss reads it in the paper and reaches out to her that is one thing but I definitely would not do anything to make that happen.
AnonymousJanuary 18,2023 at 5:42PM UTC
Yes, you are correct. You are not the Beacon of News. Just focus on supporting your sweet friend and let everyone else disseminate information as they see fit
Arlene Frances Gottardo (Bryak)January 18,2023 at 5:58PM UTC
If my boss asked me, I would tell what I know-
Krystin MorganJanuary 18,2023 at 5:59PM UTC
You're correct. If your boss is upset with you (which is NOT reasonable, by the way), you can either act like you didn't know or say you forgot to tell your boss or just be honest and share that you didn't believe it was your news to pass along. Condolences to your friend. <3
KathrynJanuary 18,2023 at 7:44PM UTC
If boss asks tell the truth how they react is not on you. If Shelley has badmouthed them they have heard it
AnonymousJanuary 18,2023 at 8:37PM UTC
Since this is a past employee it is not your responsibility to let anyone know private issues
MidwestMaven456January 18,2023 at 11:29PM UTC
Keep out of it. Unless you have been a go between your boss and your friend, or if you are all friends, this is not your business. Someone's private funeral is not a corporate event. If your boss chooses to reach out in some way, that is on them, not you.
And what would your friend possibly say? "Didn't Suzy tell you how much I hate you?" More importantly, why would your boss ASSUME that you knew about any bad blood between them and Shelly?
AnnJanuary 19,2023 at 1:20AM UTC
I would go with and honour Shellie’s wishes
If I was in same situation I would hate former Manager who I disliked, showing up & having those reminders repeated again
Bonnie CoventryJanuary 19,2023 at 2:37PM UTC
First, choose empathy. If you feel comfortable with the former boss I would definitely mention it. We are humans at our roots. You can preface it ' I know your histories aren't the best and no expectation of going to calling hours to make anyone upset, but wanted to just let you know'. Allow them a chance of supporting from a far while allowing Shelly the space of mourning such a loss. Be that person.
Nikki HodsonJanuary 19,2023 at 5:50PM UTC
When did this world get to be so petty? If I had a loved one die, I would be thankful for anyone that came to show their support. We are adults here. Anyone who’s holding onto that kind of animosity has way too much time on their hands and/or has no idea how short life really is.