Why ask for feedback if you can't accept it?

12 Comments

1. AnonymousFebruary 6,2022 at 7:10PM UTC

   Unfortunately, we don't always know the reason for meetings.
   All you can do, is bring your recommendations to the table. You can't control their reactions but your actions afterwards speaks volumes. Move on from the negativity and know that you delivered the requested feedback.

   At the beginning or end of the year, some management teams are assigned or required to complete check-off items such as meetings with employees. They allowed you to voice your opinions but that might be all.

   In addition, people don't like to hear what they are doing wrong so it might be a defense strategy. I've found it works better is you're bringing solutions rather than criticism.

   What can be done to make the workplace better or help the company succeed. Try not to let this bother you and although it's disheartening, you did your job.

2. AnonymousFebruary 6,2022 at 9:03PM UTC

   Is it possible that the people who requested feedback from you were not defensive but attempting to give you a broader understanding of the situation? I have found that often staff's feedback comes because they have a simplistic understanding of a problem. I'm attempting to engage in a constructive discussion where I share other factors they might not be aware of in attempt to really "brainstorm", then later I get feedback that I came off as defensive. In my mind I was not defensive at all - I got what they were saying, it was just unrealistic and overly simplified.

3. Emily KeiperFebruary 7,2022 at 12:25AM UTC

   They asked for it and you delivered. I’d say you did the job. It’s tough to hear something negative about a project or something you’ve been working hard on. If anything I’m sure your feedback will assist them in the long run. They just need time to chew on things.

   Good on you for being honest and delivering your opinions and not just kittens and cupcakes. You should feel empowered and proud.

4. AnonymousFebruary 7,2022 at 1:06AM UTC

   I'm usually really nice and, nonspecific and vague. Until I see the level of reception and the willingness to hear the good, bad and the ugly, I keep my feedback to myself. Seldom are people truly open to criticism.

5. Maegan, Nike Sales Rep & Career CoachFebruary 7,2022 at 8:32PM UTC

   Can you schedule a meeting with the leader of the meeting you attended and share that you were invited to give feedback, yet you felt resistance to all the feedback you gave. Ask if it was your delivery, tone, or time that effected the way it was received. Being curious and wanting to truly discover can help keep the conversation honest, open, and not defensive for anyone. See what they say, you may be proving your theory true - or , see that this particular group responds to feedback in a different way

6. Eva SteortzFebruary 7,2022 at 9:46PM UTC

   Stay true to you and remember you are in control of how you feel. Don't give others that power. Simply say thank you for asking for my feedback. I believe feedback is a gift. I hope you found some interesting alternative perspectives during our discussion. Please let me know if I can be of any support.

   You can also circle back and get clarification for what was expected and how your feedback landed for the other people. This could be illuminating for you and them. There could be so many variables for why the meeting didn't go as you had expected. Seek insights. Ask questions even as simple as "what kind of feedback were you hoping for so I can be prepared next time."

   Good luck! I hope you get to the bottom of it. Please share any learnings.

7. Clydene HorriganFebruary 9,2022 at 4:08AM UTC

   Without having been there, I can’t directly answer your question. If it were me, I’d probably try to replay the conversation and see if there is anythingI could ave done to improve my delivery? I’d also maybe check in with another attendee that was on the team but didn’t get defensive or another person who was being asked for feedback to see if they had any feedback on my delivery. Lastly, I may try a 1x1 with the person and see what I could learn.

   For a forward approach, in the future I would probably ask what type of feedback they are looking for before the meeting. Some people want all the detailed feedback down to the phrasing of a sentence or placement if a field. Some are just looking for the big items. Knowing what level of detail they are looking fir helps.

   One tactic I have found works well for certain audiences is to ask questions instead of telling them you don’t like something or thing something is wrong. It shows a desire to understand decisions made along the way. This will feel like a good discussion for some people. For others it will feel like an inquisition, so you will have to see what works better for your audience.

   Finally, make sure to look for and point out the positives as well.

   Good luck!

8. AnonymousFebruary 9,2022 at 1:30PM UTC

   The defensiveness could stem from how you framed the feedback. If the way you phrased it is centered on "you did this wrong" people will get defensive. Before jumping into a criticism you can start with what worked and then move on to how it could sill be improved. Avoiding negative phrasing is key to getting people to accept criticism. Feedback should include pointing out what people do well and encouraging them to keep working on the skill. I think most people can accept that there is always room to improve and grow, but no one likes to hear only what they do wrong.

9. Jo-Anne HaberFebruary 9,2022 at 2:32PM UTC

   By whom were you invited to provide feedback? On what were you requested to provide feedback? What is your relationship to the meeting members to whom you were requested to provide feedback? What is the nature of your involvement to whatever it was that you were asked to give feedback about? Perhaps the perceived defensive criticism was the members’ attempt to clarify their position/action, etc.

   What was your purpose in giving the feedback ... other than being asked to do so? What did you hope the outcome would be? When I have given feedback I try to think about why I am giving this feedback.

10. Liz MilneFebruary 9,2022 at 4:24PM UTC

    Sometimes when people are invited to give feedback they get it wrong in one of two ways:

    The first is saying that everything's fine, no problems, all good. That's wrong because it doesn't give the person receiving the feedback anything to work towards. Even, 'I love your enthusiasm during presentations is more helpful as it highlights a strength' - so if it's praiseworthy, praise it with specifics.

    The second way is ripping everything to shreds: it's just overwhelming and unhelpful, like being told, 'I don't like anything about you, change yourself!' Or picking on something that can't be changed: 'I don't like your accent, I don't know what you were saying,' for example is rude, potentially discriminatory, and hurtful. 'Try speaking more slowly, enunciating your vowel sounds and projecting to the back of the room' is helpful because the person can work on that, no matter what their accent is like.

    With feedback, try to find something positive to boost them: 'I loved your presentation, it was beautifully laid out.' Then move on to the more negative. 'However, I feel you could have gone into more detail on [whatever] point.' Or 'you moved a lot, which was quite distracting, if you stay in one place, the audience can focus more on the presentation', and then finish with either more praise - 'I can tell you researched a lot for this' - or an open-ended, 'does that help?' so they feel comfortable coming back to you.

    It is hard to be told where you're going wrong, which is basically what feedback can feel like, and those giving feedback should bear that in mind: sometimes even a brusque delivery style can make quite mild criticism seem harsh...

    Ooh, and another point - did you clarify what they wanted feedback on? If it was the accessibility of the room, and you critiqued *them*, then yeah, they would be defensive!

11. AnonymousFebruary 9,2022 at 9:23PM UTC

    It's possible that it was the way it was framed. I recently had this happen to me, and I was on the receiving end and feeling *very* defensive.

    Context:

    I just recently was promoted, and part of the new position is working with a team that I don't know well. I've been tasked with some administrative work which includes putting together a monthly roundup with interview opportunities. In December, the team asked me to put together a seasonal roundup (which is much like the monthly, but a specific category of interviews). I said sure, and said that I would put it together in the format of the monthly roundup. Everyone said "yes, correct!", so I did.

    I completed it and sent it over, and in my email said: "Here's the draft, please let me know if you need me to make any changes." I like to think that I'm open to feedback, and I *want* to be corrected, especially since I'm relatively new to this position.

    The response to that email was PARAGRAPHS long, framed in a way that absolutely berated me for putting it together like the monthly roundup, when it should have been a more expanded format, telling me that it was riddled with spelling mistakes, incorrect titles, that I had missed details, etc. I immediately got defensive, because I had done it in the agreed-upon way - and while I did miss a couple of titles that were added to the list after I had created and sent this document, and I did misspell one name - I did not feel that those mistakes warranted feedback in such an aggressive way, as though I were the biggest screw up this company has ever seen.

    All that to say, I think there's constructive feedback ("I think that you misspelled XX's name, can you double check that just in case it's wrong in the calendar?"), and then there's feedback that just rips someone to shreds ("This document is riddled with spelling mistakes!"), you know?

12. Liz MilneFebruary 11,2022 at 5:14PM UTC

    Yes, the way feedback is framed can sound harsh and feel hurtful, even if reasonable. This is one place where using softeners and qualifiers is actually good: 'I wonder if XX is spelled correctly?' 'Not sure about the phrasing of XX' etc, rather than, 'the grammar is terrible!' etc.

    Of course, learning to *take* feedback is a whole other thing too, some people (talking specifically about my creative writing classes here) refuse any guidance or workshopping at all, and defend everything, even their shit grammar and spelling: 'It's my authentic voice' was one unironic reply to a terrible piece of writing! lmao, people can be funny!