I am struggling with a situation.

Anonymous

November 1,2022 at 1:50PM UTC

Welcome to Fairygodboss!

We’re the largest online career community helping women achieve their career goals. Gain access to articles, jobs, events, and a supportive network of women and allies. Membership is free, always.

I am struggling with a situation. I have been working with a new team for a few months and myself and another peer are considered the team leads. My issue is this peer. Going into this new team, I thought we would collaborate and share ideas for the team and even after I initially first spoke with her when I joined, she gave me that impression. After about a week or so, I began to see the "real her". She's extremely aggressive, assertive and the type of person that takes over meetings versus being collaborative. Now I understand assertiveness is not necessarily a bad thing but it really was out of hand. I shared this during a 1:1 with our manager who completely downplayed it and seemed to not even take what I said into consideration. I decided to tell this peer about how I felt during a call wth her and at first she seemed offended and then she asked for specific examples which I provided. She apologized and asked me to let her know if I felt like that again but then continued to act the same way so I feel like completely giving up. My manager is not helpful and I am not sure what to do. Am I being too sensitive?

Why women love us:

Daily articles on career topics
Jobs at companies dedicated to hiring more women
Advice and support from an authentic community
Events that help you level up in your career
Free membership, always

3 comments

Share your insight

Join an authentic community that helps women support each other at work. Share your professional experience or ask for advice — you can even post anonymously.

3 Comments

Join the conversation

AnonymousNovember 1,2022 at 2:13PM UTC
I would circle back once more and thank your peer for responding so positively to your feedback and apologizing. That in respect to her request to let her know if it happened again you wanted to bring a couple more examples to her attention. However, since part of this is you learning each other’s style, in case you are being sensitive, I would add; I want to be sure I am not misinterpreting your intent by how it impacts me. Can we talk through some examples and I can share how it made me feel and then I can allow you an opportunity to understand from you what your intent was. Then lastly maybe we can align on how would be best to address these disconnects of intent vs impact in the moment in the future? I know we can really accomplish so much once we work on understanding each other and leaning into each other’s strengths.
AnonymousNovember 1,2022 at 2:23PM UTC
Teams have a natural dynamic that is hard to change. You will need to find a way to accommodate this person if things are to work. I don't think collaboration is going to happen quite like you want it yo.
Afo Ogbeyalu KaluNovember 2,2022 at 3:39PM UTC
From what you've shared with us, the issue seems more like a difference in communication-styles, more than anything else. If your peer is one to rush to "take the lead" at meetings, let her have the floor. Once it is clear that she has finished presenting her position, thank her, and assert that you are now going to share your ideas. If she attempts to interrupt, remind her that you gave her the opportunity to share her ideas interruption-free, and that you want the same courtesy. Continue presenting your strategy for the team, note where your ideas are in alignment, and where you believe your position would be a more effective approach.
The next step is key . . . Send an email thanking your peer for the meeting, highlight the key discussion points, and reassert why you feel your position should be strongly considered. Copy your direct report in the email. Why is this step important? These emails track your progress, document your contributions, and alert all parties that you too are assertive, and have thoughtfully crafted plans to make the team more effective.