DISCUSSIONS

Is there ever a time to ignore feedback?

Anonymous Image

Anonymous

Welcome to Fairygodboss!

We’re the largest online career community helping women achieve their career goals. Gain access to articles, jobs, events, and a supportive network of women and allies. Membership is free, always.

Is there ever a time to ignore feedback?

Six months ago, I started a new position, a newly created role for the organization. In my time here, it seems that not enough thought went into how this role would be incorporated into the rest of the organizational structure, which I realize is a thing that happens. For example, the rest of my department is housed in a separate office from where my office is located, and other than my direct supervisor, who makes a point to work out of this location (not just for my benefit but also for others) once a week, none of my colleagues ever seem to feel the need to work out of this location.

Once a week, after some subtle hints from my boss, I work from where my boss and the rest of my department are based. I am mindful of using this time as an opportunity to socialize with my colleagues and try to make whatever meetings may be coming up for that day so that they can be in person instead of Zoom (this is a hybrid work environment, for what it's worth). I feel I'm putting a fair amount of effort into getting IRL face time with my colleagues, but it's not reciprocated. If my colleagues need to meet with me, their only inclination is to send me a Zoom invite or call me, which would be fine except for a few times my boss has mentioned that he thinks it's important that I socialize more than I currently am. But to be honest, I'm not sure what that would look like. I'm friendly with the people who share the office space where I'm located, but they're in a different department, and there's little overlap in our work, so there aren't many occasions when we can work together.

I'm wondering if it's worth asking him to say more about what he means about being more social or if I should ignore it, given that everything else is going well. In the past, I have made a mistake in different positions of trying to respond to every bit of feedback, formal or informal, that a supervisor had shared. It ended up devolving into a toxic situation where my responsiveness to feedback resulted in a previous boss picking apart basically everything I did. At the same time, my colleagues seemed to be able to do whatever they wanted. I don't want to recreate that dynamic here, but I also don't want to be viewed as hard to coach.

Why women love us:

  • Daily articles on career topics
  • Jobs at companies dedicated to hiring more women
  • Advice and support from an authentic community
  • Events that help you level up in your career
  • Free membership, always

Like

25 comments

Share

Share your insight

Join an authentic community that helps women support each other at work. Share your professional experience or ask for advice — you can even post anonymously.

25 Comments

Join the conversation
  1. Hold on Lee Lou

    How long has it been since he asked you to be more social? What changed in your behavior/routines after he asked?

    I think that if it's been a few weeks and you have put effort in to meet his request, it makes sense to ask for a follow-up conversation. At that point, outline what you have done and the results you have seen, and then ask him if he feels good about the progress, or if there is something else you can do.

    I might also ask if there is any plan to get you in the location with the rest of your team. My company has basically 3 locations where my team works out of, so I try to get around to each spot regularly and have every-other-week in-person meetings so that everyone sees each other at least occasionally. It's tough, but it really does help if people are comfortable and at least work-friendly with each other. It's very easy for one person to get lost and disconnected if they are fully removed from the group.

  2. Anonymous

    He first mentioned it a few months ago, and that's when I started working out of the other office one day a week. But other than friendly conversation, it doesn't seem to have changed how my colleagues engage with me when I'm not there. If I don't suggest waiting to meet when I'm back in the office, they default to Zoom or the phone. For whatever it may be worth, I get the sense that my colleagues view me as approachable, as many different people from various departments have asked for my input or my perspective on various projects when appropriate. I have not gotten the sense that my colleagues (or my boss), for that matter, view me as being anything but amenable and easy to get along with.

    Last week, during my 1:1, the subject of my possibly moving to the location where the rest of my team is, and my boss admitted that it would require someone else who isn't from our department but is located in that space to relocate for there to be room available for me to move in. Which was something I was already aware of. While he did not say anything definitively about potential next steps, he said, 'let's keep talking about it.'

  3. Anonymous

    It sounds like you are bright and a position may have been created for you because the company sees
    your value but your boss is not quite sure how he can fit you in with the rest of the team due to whatever longstanding atmosphere they have in that department. Others approach you for your input because they know you are bright and any input you give them will help them in their positions, so be careful not to give too much advice without it being reciprocated.

  4. Hold on Lee Lou

    It sounds to me like you're making progress and doing what you can. Relationships take time, and you're the new person, so everyone else is going to fall into their routines pretty easily.

    Sometimes Zoom or phone meetings make sense - even if it's not time-sensitive on the surface, people like to get things crossed off their list so they can make progress. It might take you months or even a year or so to get people to consider meeting when you're in-person.

    Honestly if you're getting regular 1:1's, positive feedback, and engagement with your team and other departments, it sounds like you're doing a great job of being social and building relationships. I say keep on keeping on!

  5. Anonymous

    I’ve had a similar experience and realized that sometimes your boss will give feedback that he/she doesn’t necessarily expect you to react on immediately or even at all.

    He/she may be saying what they think is “right” in the moment to be politically correct. However, sometimes they don’t know how to guide you in any specific direction, they just expect you to figure it out which usually means understanding office politics; “Socialize” may be a code word for just that. This is definitely not intuitive and I had to learn the hard way. There are definitely better ways to manage people but sometimes this is how it is. I would say in this situation, do what’s best for you. Seems everyone else on your “team” is doing just that. Find out what program they’re on and follow suit if it’s right for you. If not, see about transferring to another department if you like the company but not your current department - just don’t talk badly about your boss in doing so because you’ll more than likely need him as a reference.

    Btw, what field are you in?

  6. Anonymous

    OP here. That's helpful. If I'm being honest, what I feel is best for me is not to do much more to increase my socializing than I currently am since I feel like I'm the only person making an effort in this way. So, I want to ignore this if it comes up again.

  7. Anonymous

    Which is completely understandable.

    It definitely sounds like you’re looking for much better team dynamics.

  8. Anonymous

    OP here: nonprofit.

  9. Anonymous

    It is never a bad idea to develop friendships with your co-workers.
    I was laid off last year and the friends I made over the years have been incredibly generous with their time and contacts, resulting in both interviews and freelance contracts.

    However, developing those relationships doesn't have to take place in person. If you find you don't know much about your coworkers' lives outside of work (e.g., their family situation, interests, vacation plans), doing some chitchat at the beginning of one and one calls is a great place to start.

    Of course, you want to keep any conversation appropriate and authentic, and not take too much time away from work. You can start out by asking about weekend plans/ how the weekend went, how folks intend to celebrate upcoming holidays, if they saw a recent major game or big movie, etc. From there, build in ways that are authentic to you, sharing information about yourself and continuing to show an interest.

    For example, I love to travel. If someone was going to be out I'd always ask about their vacation plans, would offer to send suggestions if they were going somewhere I'd been and would ask about their trip upon their return. I also have cats, and once when I was on a call with two other people who also have cats we had a quick "cat party" where we brought all our cats over to the cameras.

    These casual but personal conversations formed the basis of deeper friendships in many cases. Not everyone is receptive to this and if folks seem to find this chitchat unwelcome of course just back off. But if you find you have a fellow foodie, sports fan, movie buff in your group it's easy to move from that to having lunch or a coffee the next time you're in the office, and network about work issues in addition to discussing mutual interests. These kinds of interactions can be the basis of professional relationships that can enrich your life for years to come.

  10. Anonymous

    OP here--so, I'm doing the things you're suggesting, either in person or virtually; I make sure to ask everyone how they're doing, how their weekend was, etc., not because I was asked to but because that's how I prefer to interact with my colleagues. I know that I can't expect people to show an interest in me unless I also show an interest in them. I have had a handful of walks to get coffee with people, but that seems more of a payday event, so it's not something that happens daily here.

    In writing this, though, I do wonder about that fact these interactions often occur out of view of my boss and if that has something to do with the remark about socializing.

  11. Anonymous

    If you feel your boss's feedback is inaccurate because you've already been doing what he suggests, it's fair to mention that in a non-defensive way. For example, you could have responded by saying "I completely agree it's important to have good relationships across the team; I've already had coffees, etc. with X and Y, is there anything else you'd suggest I also do?"

    I would share the activities you've been doing at an appropriate time for an update and see what he says - that way he'll feel you have been taking action on his request and can provide you with more clarification if he had something more specific in mind. However, I would never advise ignoring feedback even if it seems completely irrelevant. It's better to probe and see if there was a fair underlying concern that wasn't worded well - or a greater lack of alignment that means you'll be best off looking for a new manager/job.

  12. Anonymous

    This is not OP. This is generally good advice however, as a leader of a team, why would you not have your current team members be more welcoming to a new member of the team, and why would you isolate them from rest of the team? From what she writes, her team does not seem welcoming and that’s a reflection of their leadership.

  13. Elaine Chen

    It sounds like folks are responsive enough, they just want to connect virtually rather than in person. It certainly would be problematic if this one newcomer is being asked to make up for a broader issue in morale/teamwork though.

  14. Anonymous

    Good point

  15. Liz Milne

    Seeing as he's mentioned it a few times, I would ask him for specifics. If he'd said it once then let it go, I'd say you'd be safe to ignore as long as you think you're doing okay. But anything he keeps coming back to needs attention, imo

  16. Anonymous

    Can you say more about not wanting to commit? I'm not sure what you mean by that.

  17. Anonymous

    Is this OP?

  18. Anonymous

    Yes, it was me the OP asking.

  19. Anonymous

    *thumbs up* You’ve been there 6 months and you’re not sitting with your team.

    That’s a non-committal for me because that would really bother me. When you commit as an employer, you want that employee to feel comfortable, not uncomfortable.

  20. Anonymous

    Schedule time with him to highlight what you are already doing. Then ask for specific feedback. You just never know what they mean when they say something like that. I had a situation with a previous boss when feedback wasn't anything major and another when very vague feedback led to me leaving the company. So asking for more feedback would be great.

  21. Anonymous

    Men receive feedback on performance. Women receive feedback about our personalities. It's infuriating, and your boss probably has no idea that he's falling into that typical bias. If your coworkers aren't being super social with each other, you're not being iced out by them. If that's the case, your boss is straight up sexist. Might as well be telling you to smile more. Ugh.

  22. Anonymous

    OP here--this is what I was worried about. The previous situation I mentioned turned toxic and resulted in what felt like being picked apart for everything. The feedback was NEVER about my work because my work was excellent. I always met or exceeded expectations, and even received raises and promotions. Still, even though I tried to be as friendly as possible, my colleagues, who wouldn't even say good morning to each other or me most mornings, never received this kind of feedback.

  23. Anonymous

    First, congratulations on being in your new job for 6 months. I hope it gets better as you settle in.

    Are you in a service/support type role that provides assistance to your colleagues? Wondering if your manager is hoping you'll be extremely outgoing toward all the other employees, even if not reciprocated.

    I hope it's not a case of the manager just wanting his employee to be bubbly, chatty and cheerful 24/7. He might be wanting to show you off to the other colleagues, so to speak. If this is the case, feel confident about where you draw the line with his expectations.

    It would be good to occasionally ask him in a relaxed, friendly manner if he now feels like you're being as social with colleagues as he intended, and if not, can he explain what he's requesting. I agree that he owes you a better level of explanation.

  24. Anonymous

    Op here. Nope, I'm not in a support/admin or junior position relative to my colleagues. I'm a director that is mainly working with other directors.

  25. Anonymous

    Your question sets the tone. Good luck.

Browse recent posts

Plan construction projects with the Concrete Calculator, a practical online tool for estimating material quantities, calculating concrete requirements, managing costs, and simplifying building work.
Hiii everyone!
I'm. Current looking for remote jobs
Your trusted partner for a cleaner, healthier home in Los Angeles, California. At Quick Clean Carpet Care, we've been providing top-notch carpet cleaning, upholstery cleaning, pet accident treatment, hard floor cleaning, rug cleaning, window cleaning, and house washing services for over 9 years. Our team of experts uses eco-friendly solutions and state-of-the-art equipment to leave your home sparkling clean and germ-free. From stain removal to deep cleaning, we've got you covered. Serving Los Angeles and surrounding areas, we're committed to delivering exceptional customer service and unparalleled results. Call us today to schedule your appointment and experience the Quick Clean difference!
Your trusted partner for a cleaner, healthier home in Los Angeles, California. At Quick Clean Carpet Care, we've been providing top-notch carpet cleaning, upholstery cleaning, pet accident treatment, hard floor cleaning, rug cleaning, window cleaning, and house washing services for over 9 years. Our team of experts uses eco-friendly solutions and state-of-the-art equipment to leave your home sparkling clean and germ-free. From stain removal to deep cleaning, we've got you covered. Serving Los Angeles and surrounding areas, we're committed to delivering exceptional customer service and unparalleled results. Call us today to schedule your appointment and experience the Quick Clean difference!
What Makes SPJ Vedatam Gurgaon Worth Exploring?
See more
Fairygodboss VIP
Achieve your career goals.
Be part of the largest online career community for women to find jobs, advice, and support — for free.
Fairygodboss members