DISCUSSIONS

Afraid of burning bridges.

Anonymous Image

Anonymous

Welcome to Fairygodboss!

We’re the largest online career community helping women achieve their career goals. Gain access to articles, jobs, events, and a supportive network of women and allies. Membership is free, always.

Afraid of burning bridges.

Ever since I announced I was leaving my job, my coworkers have been passive-aggressive. I get it — my work will be going to them, without any additional compensation or pay. I want to leave on a good note. How can I stay in their good graces?

Why women love us:

  • Daily articles on career topics
  • Jobs at companies dedicated to hiring more women
  • Advice and support from an authentic community
  • Events that help you level up in your career
  • Free membership, always

Like

59 comments

Share

Share your insight

Join an authentic community that helps women support each other at work. Share your professional experience or ask for advice — you can even post anonymously.

59 Comments

Join the conversation
  1. Anonymous

    Is not possible. And It is not your fault so you shouldn't need to solve it. But if it still important for you, you can tell them about learning is earning too. Probably you did a great job and good things will come for you and them, their angry is temporary feeling.

  2. Heather Macone

    These are unfortunately the feelings of others that you can not control. However, leaving on a good note can be accomplished.

    Being thorough and diligent/detailed regarding your project transitions will help them in the long run. Creating solid transition documents is key. These transition documents will outline exactly where the project(s) are and what your schedule/plan/timelines are around it. Other items it could include are: Who is involved? What is the meeting cadence around the project? Travel for said project? etc.

    If you provide them with everything that they need to know, then it can be up to THEM to take to their boss if they feel they are not properly compensated for this additional work. That is not on you. Good luck!

  3. Barbara Adwalpalker

    Make sure others understand why you are leaving. Leave on a good note by making sure knowledge transfer is done well. Be flexible on your end date and even offer for them to reach out if needed after the fact.

  4. Kristie White

    All good comments here. At the end of the day, you are leaving their tribe and they resent it and are maybe a little jealous (or a lot.) Be nice, helpful, knowledge transfer, and count the days.

  5. Curtis Weibel

    I have seen several people go (I am high tech). Seems the best way that I have seen is to write and email thanking them and give your contact info. That way you have a chance to keep connections after you leave. People who are angry will probably not respond to your linkedIn or email contact. If the angry people respond, you can decide if you wish to respond or ignore.

  6. Anonymous

    I don't think you owe them anything for putting yourself first. At the end of the day that is what happens in the workplace, people leave and work gets redistributed. But I do agree with some of the other suggestions, a thank you note or email to the group expressing how much you've enjoyed working with them, will miss them etc. is a nice touch. But as others have said you can only control yourself and your actions not how others feel about the situation. Good luck!

  7. Barb Hansen

    You are not burning bridges, they are.

  8. Sarah Borders

    It doesn’t seem like you’re burning bridges. All you can do is set them up for success in the best way you know how. How they receive that assistance and their attitude about your departure is 100% on them.

  9. Rebecca Ali

    Many people think of their workplace as a family when it should really be considered a community (thanks Adam Grant...I believe). Maybe their feelings are hurt because you're leaving in addition to them receiving the work? Have you asked someone you think would give you an honest answer what might be going on? At the end of the day, you have to take care of yourself and your own needs while accepting that many times people are envious that they can't break away themselves. Good luck to you!

  10. Anonymous

    It hurts but relationships reveal their true colors after you announce that you're leaving. What you think of as family or friends are not but it's good working relationship.

    It's not about leaving in their good graces. I provided two months notice at a past position and it was the most miserable experience I've had to date. My responsibilities were reallocated to others and a wall formed between us even those I was friendly with outside of the office.

    I tried to leave things better than I arrived but everyone is figuring out what will be their new normal. Friendships fade, work moves forward and since you're leaving, you've cut the cord on those ties.

    Try not to let this bother you. It's a difficult situation but do your best to remain professional. Provide wrap-up notes and complete any tasks that you have pending to make the shift in workload easier. Best of luck in your next role!

  11. Jennifer Albertalli

    It sounds like you've done all you can and the culture is what's wrong. I understand being understaffed, but when the culture is just reassignment of duties, it can leave people sour. If you have it within your capacity to do, offer to stay in touch with people and try to connect with those important colleagues you'd like to maintain contact with through LinkedIn. Remember, you cannot drive forward if you're constantly looking in teh rear view mirror.

  12. shaz1972

    Be kind, be caring, smile and then get the heck out of there! It is hard to keep going in for a 2 week notice but just do the right thing and buh bye. Often times, people are jealous that you took the step to find something better.

  13. Anonymous

    Dear...

    There is nothing wrong with your feelings. You being afraid of burning bridges is just a sign that you are heart caring and a compassionate person. That you actually took ownership of your work and got emotionally engaged with your coworkers while cheering for the same Team so to speak.
    Please do not interpret your coworkers as passive-aggressive. There are several factors due to their way of behavior.
    Reason: though you may have spoken with 1 or 2 coworkers - in confidential talks - that you wanted to leave the company. It still comes as a major chock when it actually happens. Please give people time to cope with the news and mentally plan for a workday without your presence.
    Reason: there are tasks and information that can not be shared with an employee once the person has resigned. Most employees are terrified of talking with a coworker once the person has resigned - what if they accidentally shared some classified information ?
    Suggestion: before your last workday; plan an informal coffee/lunch appointment with 1-2 coworkers for after you have left. And based upon that get-together check with your stomach afterwards whether there is a way forward for continuing these kinds of appointments or whether work was actually the glue that kept you emotionally attached to your coworkers.

  14. Anonymous

    yes! I’m in the exact same boat. Everyone’s mad because I’m leaving along with a few others. I had a sit down with my leadership and explained what they should do to help company culture. My cfo seemed extremely grateful and told me to be as honest in my exit interview as I could.

  15. Anonymous

    Leaving a position is never easy; leaving well, however, is an art.

    There will always be people that are upset, feel abandoned, don’t want to take on the extra work, etc. You can’t be responsible for their feelings or unprofessional behavior, none of us can - no matter what type of relationship we’re talking about.

    Leaving well is about offering a transition plan, staying positive and engaged until the very end, continuing to do your tasks to wrap them up as best as you can, and not rubbing it in everyone’s faces that “it’s not your job anymore”. (It always grates on my nerves when people won’t offer to help or won’t participate in problem-solving or just stop showing up - mentally or physically - because their time left is short).

    Impress them on your way out just as much as you impressed them to join them. When you buy in to the passive-aggressive behavior and the short-timer mindset, that’s what they’ll remember. You are stronger and display professionalism when you leave with your head held high and you display integrity and grace throughout the exiting process.

  16. Anonymous

    You only have a little over a week left. Clean off your desk, get your work caught up and bring in muffins for the morning. Be helpful and happy and understanding.

    That's it.

  17. Elizabeth Charbonneau

    This is exactly what I did when I left a role for a promotion last month. I finished my work, left notes on important projects, and brought treats on my last day. Kindess and helpfulness goes right up to the end.

  18. Shel Webster

    I changed jobs in November and I knew that the mass of my work would be going to my closest co-workers. While they didn't blame me, I knew that they were not looking forward to taking on the additional load. I did all I could before leaving to make sure they understood any current projects. I gave them written notes, timelines, contacts - anything I could think of to help them once I was gone. (I also brought treats almost every day of my last two weeks.)

  19. Michelle Dottore-Lasure

    This is great advice!
    I recently left a position where I was already doing the work of several people. But I took the time to step back and realize that much of my work was in cross-team collaboration. While the part of the company I directed had grown exponentially in my tenure, I had to acknowledge that these relationships may have to take a backseat for a little while. I met with all of these teams before I left to go through the hand-off plans I had made in advance of my resignation. This ensured that high priority items were maintained, and that lower priority items were put on hold until my replacement was in place. It was tough, because I was really proud of all of the work we had accomplished over the years with these collaborations, but also realize that my replacement may not be as willing to collaborate. Two months later, the company has still not hired a replacement, and the people who had to take on this extra work were thankful I put the brakes on these lower priority items.

  20. Anonymous

    Not much you can do here, but don't take the responsibility on either. Let them know that you will miss them and hope to stay in touch. Wish them the best, but don't apologize. Its up to their manager to distribute the work, not you.

  21. Anonymous

    I replied above but had to take a moment to say— I agree!

  22. Chance Anderson

    Just get them some treats or just be really nice to them

  23. Stacey Back

    Great tips here already.
    It's a tricky dynamic to navigate, especially at the moment when every team is lean and under pressure. My best piece of advice to you (and others in this situation) is to remember you can't control other people -- only how you respond to them.

    To leave a positive lasting impression, don't drop off your work efforts during your notice period, even if you're keen to move on. Let your manager and colleagues know you will keep working hard up until your last day to get as much of your work finalised as possible, with full handover notes. Then follow through on this by maintaining the same attitude, levels of productivity and being co-operative during the handover process.

    Be proactive about arranging 1:1 /team catch-ups before you finish up. Then make plans to keep in touch with the colleagues who are important to you.

  24. Lindsay Edwards

    As someone on the receiving end, having a coworker leave and I picked up their role… this goes a very long way. If you slack off, what do you think that would say to your coworkers… whom you are effecting. On the flip side, if you show that you put in a lot of effort and time to delivering the best hand off you could, that is so meaningful and so helpful. I can’t think poorly on anyone who clearly tried to leave me in the best possible position; all considering.

  25. Anonymous

    The only thing I would note is that the definition of documentation that is “good enough” will vary for every recipient.

  26. Stacey Back

    Good point. I think as long as you can leave knowing you've done the best job possible, you won't burn any bridges. Most people are reasonable!

  27. Paulla Fetzek, MSEd

    Greatly stated Lindsay!

  28. Stacey Back

    Well said, Lindsay and great to get the perspective of someone on the other side!

  29. Anonymous

    Some women are people-pleasers and tend to take on more work in avoidance of conflict. In this case, the conflict is the feelings of potential judgement from your peers.

    The best medicine is to:

    1) Assume that your colleagues are happy for you. It won’t do you any good to assume that they aren’t. This is non-productive worry.

    2) Document your work/ projects as best as you can.

    3) Acknowledge the colleagues who have been instrumental to your success and consider a short 1:1 to acknowledge them. Be specific. A mentee did this with me and I’ll never forget it.

  30. Anonymous

    Not much you can do, Just complete your work as planned, stay professional and look forward to brighter days ahead!
    It’s funny how when you leave a job you see peoples true colors.

  31. MidwestMaven456

    YOU can't control how someone feels or acts. They very well may be jealous of you, angry that they didn't go get a new job, be depressed they won't be leaving or any number of other things.

    Before you go, if there is anyone you WANT to help, specifically give them contacts, work files or hacks that you have learned while doing your job, do it. If not, you need to keep working and be upbeat about the new job you are heading towards.

  32. Torriel Harris

    Stay in their good graces???

    Chile...move on. You cannot please everyone and if they mad, let em stay mad. ? Complete your time and move forward.

  33. Ashli J

    If they can’t celebrate you wanting to move on for yourself you shouldn’t bend over backwards for them. When I was in the military we dealt constantly with people moving and leaving and yes more work fell on us but we knew eventually we would get relief. There was never anger for anyone wanting to go. Stay focused on what you want and be gracious for yourself. Their passive aggressive behavior may be jealousy but you are allowed to move on.

  34. April Line

    One Million Thousand Percent second what many of these folks have said. Their feelings aren't your problem, or your bridges.

    I had a colleague briefly who, one day, after assuming I'd be getting him coffee because I have woman parts, suggested that I might have thoughts about his opinion of me.

    I said, in one of my quickest, proudest, in-the-moment comebacks, "What you think of me is none of my business, sir."

    Bro just sat there with his teeth in his mouth.

    My boss, also a dude, said "Whoa." in the moment, but gave me an attaboy later.

    If we get to make friends at work, that's cool. But it's not what it's for.

    Burning a bridge would be not finishing your notice, or doing something disruptive on your last day for revenge, or whatever.

  35. Abegail J

    When one door closes, another opens but it may not necessarily mean you may not ever meet or work with past colleagues ever again. Change is hard for most people to accept and professional envy is also a normal response in the workplace. Who knows you may be reminding them to reevaluate their positions, be yourself, embrace your future.

  36. Anonymous

    It's not your problem! You were smart enough to secure another job before bailing out! Let those who are afraid to make a move feel sorry for themselves! Good luck to you!

  37. Veronica Z. Nieves

    Don't drop the bag, share your knowledge, and keep your peace of mind. You can't control them but you can control yourself! Good luck!

  38. LovelyBird

    I would propose the question to you: how can THEY stay in YOUR good graces, rather than the other way around? Your good graces are just as good. You are valuable, you are worthy of being connected to. So try not to put more weight on the value someone else brings to you in your connection to them, but remember that there is value in YOU and in YOU being in someone’s life. If your behavior is above board and they are responding negatively simply because you are leaving and they feel a way about it, it is not your concern. Nor is it your responsibility to maintain those bridges. Any bridge that is for you will remain. Don’t cry over spilled bridges :-) I am learning (slowly, progressively) to be thankful for the closed doors and burned bridges, especially when I know that I was not the one who closed the door nor set the fire to the bridge. When others light the match, let the bridge burn. When others close the door, walk away from it and stop knocking. It’s painful and confusing, so take time to process and heal, validate your feelings. New doors and new bridges await. Peace to you in your new opportunities and on your journey and congratulations for moving forward! You got this!

  39. Anonymous

    Totally love your post!

  40. Barbara Robinson

    Solid Advice!

  41. Caroline

    Just make sure you tie up as many loose ends as possible and don’t worry about them. It’s not your problem.

  42. Lori Ann DeLappe-Grondin

    I second what has been said. As long as you do your work for the remaining time and stay cordial, you've done your part. Giving notice, sticking that out, and not slacking on your work during the time are all that should be expected, which you are doing.

    Let them worry about them.

  43. Anonymous

    I don’t worry about people on the same level of the org chart as me. I just make sure that my supervisor or people above me will stay good references in the future. To this day I have at least 5 managers willing to give me a glowing reference. That’s all that matters, I think.

  44. Ellen Smith Fagan

    MOST IMPORTANTLY ?

    doing delibertate damage by active or passive means is illegal. PERIOD. Think like that and be ready to act to protect your professional integrity.

    If they liked you the bad behavior at farewell will be minimized, but your co-workers are, sadly, most likely to enjoy at least one good cat session at your expense, taking note of minor issues and flaws and omitting praise and appreciation.

    GOOD COMPANIES have farewell meetings and lunches to help everyone to do better on this point. The farewell event communicates appreciation and proper farewell, with NO backbiting later and all bridges cleanly burned to optimize the team you are leaving, after you have left.

    EXCEPTION: In some jobs, the departing one stays in touch for real reasons of caring about certain job details that were not complete at time of farewell. Employees often remain a paid consultant after they move on. If they need your consulting, get them to pay you for it, at least.

    But DO BURN YOUR BRIDGES for all practical purposes, to allow everyone the cleanest work path and the best future for all concerned. Sometimes if you fail to burn your bridges they will burn you.

  45. Joanna Poe

    Their reaction is not your problem, nor is it in your power to change it.

    Stay classy. Finish whatever you can, fully document anything you do that nobody else does or knows, write thank you notes to anyone who's helped you, and bring donuts on your last day.

  46. Asia Robinson

    put in your earbuds and rock out to your inspirational music. Everyone won’t get to experience success. Not your problem.

  47. Karen Gongaware

    Not your circus, not your monkeys. Their issues are just that, theirs. If someone can't be happy for you, then why do you care what they think. I agree with Asia, put in your earbuds and rock out.

  48. Alison

    As others have mentioned, it's not your responsibility to control their feelings. But you can continue your behavior. Continue to train (write procedures) on what they don't know so it will make an easier transition after you leave.

  49. Marlaina

    I agree with a lot of what has been said. Do your best to remain professional and wrap things up as best as you can to leave the company in a good position when you leave. But sadly you can’t impact others actions just your own! And congrats on your next great move!

  50. Peggie Arvidson * Career Consultant | Adoptee Advocate | Recruiter

    Burning bridges is when you are overtly aggressive or simply don't show up or don't do what you say you will do.

    If they're being passive aggressive - so be it. That's on them - burning their own bridges. (Pretty short sighted because they may wan to network with YOU one day to move to a new role!)

    As much as possible- keep your eye on the prize - walking out the door with your head held high. Get the work taken care of that you've committed to doing before your departure and enjoy knowing you're about to start a new adventure!

  51. Mtrsprtautoltd@aol.com

    Why not try to communicate with the people you want to stay in contact with by asking them if you did something to offend them? Throw them off balance and they might change their tune. Good luck!

  52. Dana

    There are a lot of good comments here already, so my two cents may overlap with some.

    You can only be responsible for you. Staying professional and treating others as you would like to be treated has always been a good axiom to go by. Kindness and a willingness to stay in touch with them on an individual basis can also go along way toward turning an acquaintance into a potential really good friend down the road.

    Oh, and it is the company's responsibility to hire enough resources to handle the work. Again, not on your shoulders.

    You got this!

  53. Shanita Taylor BSIS, BSc (Psyc), M.A.E.L

    A lot of good advice stated here. Good luck and Stay positive. You are entitled to move on in life for whatever reasons.

  54. Tracie Walker

    The way they are behaving is also a sign of their own underlying issues and that you made the right decison. I experienced this when I left a job. Usually when people act this way the environment is toxic; they are probably not happy and resentful that you are being proactive about your career growth.

    To echo the other comments; their behavior is not your problem. Keep being polite and professional and move forward. It would be great to leave a job and have your coworkers wish you well. However, that won’t always be the case. Know that you are responsible for you and let that give you peace of mind.

  55. Anonymous

    Great advice given.

    All the best with your future endeavors.

  56. Anonymous

    At the end of the day, you can't control anyone's behavior other than your own. Stay true to yourself by extending your knowledge and assistance; close the loop on projects you are working on; and provide a recap before you leave on the status of any pending work.

  57. Ellen Smith Fagan

    One more thing: IF you have one boss / counselor there, you can always TELL them that a good company schedules farewell events - a party, a luncheon, a something....making happy good byes is important to everyone. Our work IS woven into our lives and the spirit must remain healthy at hello, and goodbye for that reason. You have a right to a decent farewell.

  58. Jennifer Falandys

    I have been here and personally, their behavior is nothing that you can control, even by attempting to stay in their 'good graces.' I know this may be hard to hear, but if you were there, they would likely not be behaving the way they are and would support you on your way as you transition out. My best advice is to stay focused on your job and move on.

  59. Anonymous

    I recently changed jobs and dealt with passive aggressive behavior but from my boss. It was tough but I had to remove my emotions from the situation and focus on transitioning my duties. I stayed professional and communicated via email and copied everyone involved with the transition. I also created a transition spreadsheet that included current duties and upcoming deadlines.

Browse recent posts

Netwroking Event: Treating Interviews as Sales Conversations and Communicating Your Value 11/13 11AM ET
Networking Event: Treating Interviews as Sales Conversations and Communicating Your Value 11/13 11AM ET
When you role ends your experience goes with you....
Ready to land your next sales or marketing role? 🚀💜
Hiii everyone!
I'm. Current looking for remote jobs
See more
Fairygodboss VIP
Achieve your career goals.
Be part of the largest online career community for women to find jobs, advice, and support — for free.
Fairygodboss members