Hi all, I'm looking for some feedback on dealing with a difficult and narcissistic boss.

24 Comments

1. IntentionGirl630054March 21,2022 at 9:21PM UTC

   I hear this a lot from people who, in my opinion, are artsie, or people-oriented, I'm an engineer. I know it is rather difficult for you, as it is for my friends who have a similar relationship to life, to recognize that it is "the other person's problem" -- not yours. However, short of overcoming your immediate reaction to your boss's apparent rudeness in meetings, perhaps you could record her interaction and request a private time to share the recording. Or you could accept that she is inconsiderate and address this in the meeting. When she starts getting rude, you could say, "this is clearly upsetting you, let's come back to it when you are more calm" -- one of the best 'self help' presentations I ever attended was based on the book 'Critical Conversations' -- maybe you can bring that up as a need for the team. In the end, remember -- this person's behavior is not your responsibility -- your reaction is your responsibility. Crying is a result of both feeling upset and getting angry -- at least for me. I work on getting angry enough to get calm and use the critical conversation tactics. Learning how to do this, while waiting for a better job opportunity would be a great way to absorb these ideas -- the very first time a manager yelled in a meeting (at the whole team) I was so flabbergasted, I didn't respond as suggested in critical conversations guidelines. It takes some work to get there, and you would be doing yourself a favor to learn these capabilities while you have a reason to exercise them. You rarely have any control over management changes and, although you probably try to hire into a non-toxic group, you never know when you will find yourself in one -- through no move of your own!

2. AnonymousMarch 21,2022 at 9:38PM UTC

   Wow, this is some truly great feedback! You're right - I am artsy and a people person. I would probably self-identify as an empath or highly sensitive person as well. I just have a lot of feelings for sure.

   I will definitely check out this book. You're right, crying is a release of being upset/emotionally triggered for me.

   Thank you so much for reading and responding.

3. AnonymousMarch 23,2022 at 2:08AM UTC

   I am looking up your book recommendation on Audible. Is it Critical Conversations OR Crucial Conversations? There are two similarly worded titles in the Audible library. Thank you!

4. IntentionGirl630054March 31,2022 at 2:19PM UTC

   Crucial Conversations - Best of Luck engaging these practises!!

5. AnonymousMarch 21,2022 at 9:39PM UTC

   Thanks so much, Melissa! What is RRT? I'll send you a connection request. :)

6. Melissa Mellor, COOMarch 21,2022 at 10:31PM UTC

   I see your request :) I will reply via messages :)

7. Ashley BasilioMarch 21,2022 at 9:40PM UTC

   Have you tried pulling your boss aside and having a candid conversation about how her words & actions are being perceived and the affect it's having on you? After years of working in a toxic situation I finally did this. And to my surprise the person apologized and I think had more respect for me after that (hard to tell). I would seriously consider this, write out what you are going to say and practice it. Good luck.

8. AnonymousMarch 21,2022 at 10:02PM UTC

   Thanks Ashley! Yes, I have. Despite much feedback from other people telling me not to say anything for fear of being fired, I did say something last fall. I said that I need positive feedback as well because so much negative feedback and criticism is demotivating. We've had a few conversations (which are very hard for me) about demeanor and approach (at least in my mind that's what these conversations were).

   Both my co-workers who I deal with on a daily basis are thinkers and I'm a feeler. Thinkers have feelings too of course, but I think my boss forgets that anyone has feelings outside of her own.

9. Sarah StadtherrMarch 21,2022 at 9:51PM UTC

   I'd like to know what is RRT also...

10. Melissa Mellor, COOMarch 21,2022 at 10:43PM UTC

    Hey Sarah! RRT stands for the Rapid Relief Technique and it's a technique that removes all the things you don't want in life, to make space for the things you do want.

    It works to clear active (and dormant) emotions stored in your body that come out in the forms of stress, anxiety, etc....

    As a society, we have become completely tolerant in our lives. We accept things we don't like, and hope to just 'make it better'. RRT helps to identify what you are tolerating (stress, anxiety and overwhelm as and example) and heals the emotions around it so your body doesn't have a visceral response to these things. It's amazing for stress, anxiety, overwhelm, exhaustion, frustrated parenting or relationship experiences, etc.....

    So instead of just coping and managing your anxiety, you can actually eliminate it

    There are a ton of resources - shoot me a DM and I can share you some complimentary training :)

11. AnonymousMarch 21,2022 at 10:31PM UTC

    I'm assuming addressing the issue 1 on 1 is not an option?

    If there is no way you can highlight the behavior abd its effect on you then you need to decide whether the writing experience is worth the trauma.

    In the meantime you need to put as much effort into your personal life as possible to offset the damage. That means doubling up on selfcare. Maybe seeing a therapist to help you navigate your trauma and fragility.

12. AnonymousMarch 21,2022 at 11:13PM UTC

    Thank you for your feedback! Yeah, I've had several 1-1 conversations and I feel l like I'm just banging my head against a wall here. I can try again in our quarterly review this Friday, but it feels like talking to a brick wall who just fakes empathy.

    Yes, I've been having that same thought myself. Is the experience worth the trauma?

    Yes, you are right about doing more self-care. I do workout and do face masks, baths, etc. I am also working on an exit plan.

13. Barb HansenMarch 22,2022 at 1:25AM UTC

    Run away from this person as quickly as you can.

    The experience you are gaining from her is being negated because of how she treats you, and you don't want your wellbeing to be affected. The after-effects of dealing with a narcissist can stay with you long after the relationship has ended.

    Any job is better than being abused.

    And, what is she teaching you - she's a motivational speaker who portends to support and uplift women, but she treats you so poorly that you cry after interacting with her? Run!

14. AnonymousMarch 22,2022 at 6:05PM UTC

    Omg!!!!!!!! I know!!!! The extreme irony and hypocrisy is not at all lost on me. Thank you. ?

15. Alyssa BowkerMarch 22,2022 at 12:31PM UTC

    Get out. I would also look into therapy because it sounds like you’ve experienced trauma that will impact you moving toward.

16. AnonymousMarch 22,2022 at 6:02PM UTC

    Yes, I have tons of trauma & have experienced issues with authority in the past. It can be very emotionally triggering for me. Thank you. ?

17. AnonymousMarch 22,2022 at 1:59PM UTC

    Yo I had a boss like that. She was the worst. She was abusive ALL THE TIME. She was so clearly insecure and effed up and it made me sad more than mad. But I also stood up for myself in a situation where someone who was not an HR professional or a payroll professional was making incorrect calls on the law (because she thought I was overpaid) and basically halved my income.

    I posted anonymously on glassdoor about a toxic work environment from the top down, and the next day she fired me, went into the comments on glass door, used my full name + hire/fire dates + basically acted a fool.

    She left out the part that I'd gotten like 3 raises in under a year b/c I was insanely good at my job.

    Funnily, I had an ally AT Glassdoor who immediately flagged the ex boss's comments + did so 3x until she finally left a comment like, "this employee was let go, please contact us for the whole story."

    in retrospect it's funny. At the time, it felt like a nightmare.

    That was one of the things that sent me to therapy to figure out why I was so fond of toxic people.

    Run away, gurl. You deserve better.

    I work for an entrepreneur now who's got a big personality and a lot of quirks, but is NEVER EVER mean, and it's an honest pleasure to be in his orbit. You can have an exciting small biz job without the mess. <3

18. AnonymousMarch 22,2022 at 6:04PM UTC

    Ugh, I'm so sorry you experienced that.

    I am working on an exit plan right now. I'm building my writing website and networking.

    The extreme irony is that women's career confidence, soft skills, and leadership coaching/training is what people pay her to do. The coaching/motivational speaker world is effed in some ways.

19. AnonymousMarch 23,2022 at 6:12PM UTC

    haahahaha. So unsurprising.

    Good for you getting out. Congrats on the rest of your beautiful amazing life.

20. AnonymousMarch 22,2022 at 4:28PM UTC

    You need to find a job ASAP.... any job should do and can be a temporary solution before you can find a job you really like in the meantime it may be not a very bad idea to pander to her Narcissistic sensibilities, eg that you look at her as a mentor etc ....most important..... do not talk or complain to any one in office about her as most likely it will reach her that you are complaining about her.

21. AnonymousMarch 23,2022 at 9:47PM UTC

    Get out ASAP.
    These types of people never change and if you're good at what you do she'll only get worse if she feels threatened. Been there, done that. I took a new position I saw as a temporary move just to get myself away from a bad boss. It turned out to be a good decision because I gained much-needed work experience that helped me land a better job and increase my salary. One of the worst things about toxic bosses and work environments is that if you eventually don't get out, they can damage your resume. My toxic boss started to cut me out of networking events and take away great assignments to give to her pets while I was left with the low impact grunt work-- think formatting documents that no one will read because they're buried deep in the company's website and useless to customers. If you're looking for a higher-level job, staying under someone horrible who has it in for you will stifle opportunities to enhance your background.

22. AnonymousMarch 26,2022 at 3:44PM UTC

    Thank you, I'm actively working on it!

23. AnonymousMarch 22,2022 at 9:21PM UTC

    If you have a portfolio, look into temp agencies or gig work. Writing is something everyone needs to have done in their business and not everybody is good at it. Develop a good story, like "I learned so much during the past year that I think I can make an excellent contribution to your company. I really thought I'd stay there longer, but I've grown so much I'm ready for a new challenge."

    Working in temp or work-for-hire jobs would also give you some time to get over your PTSD (been there- it's a real thing after working for a toxic boss), and also you would further develop your portfolio and expand your pool of references beyond this toxic person. It would be good not to have to worry about using her as a reference, but being able to have a (well-known?) name on your resume.

    Good luck with this. The longer you stay, the more damaging this situation will be to your mental and possibly physical health, and could even hurt your career.

24. AnonymousMarch 23,2022 at 2:10AM UTC

    Thank you so much for this valuable feedback. I have been thinking that same thought as well (temp work) just to get out. I never even thought about it that way - PTSD from a toxic work situation. I feel like I've had sooooo many bad bosses! When do I just get a good one?! LOL.