In June I got this wonderful new job.

Anonymous

October 13,2021 at 10:11PM UTC

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In June I got this wonderful new job. It is perfect, great benefits, wonderful co-workers, and a four day week. It is working at the front desk for a private practice. It is a great work environment and it feels like I've known everyone forever. It is almost like a family atmosphere.

Two weeks after I started, my boss asked if I knew anyone "like me" (ie hard worker, professional, great w/ patients, friendly). I had a friend from my old job who was miserable there. I recommended her and she got hired on the spot- basically because of me. We work at the front together doing the same job.

She came on three weeks later. Suddenly, she is the center of the office. Everyone adores her. No matter what she says, everyone, including Dr.s, think it's funny. Although she makes mistakes, it seems like she is treated differently by my boss and others. When I make a minor mistake, I sometimes feel like I'm treated like a child.

I am old enough to be this person's parent, which makes it feel even harder. She has embarrassed me a couple of times and said that I was told things that I should remember (when in fact I wasn't even in the loop). She said I need to pay more attention (when in fact she is on her phone and online frequently and I never touch mine), and I need to be more resilient when I deal with people.

She has become close to my boss and they whisper, joke and laugh a lot. They have "private jokes". Oftentimes in conversations with others, I feel ignored, talked over and that my ideas and opinions don't matter like hers. At an all staff meeting, a Dr. said she is a "rock star" at doing a certain thing. This particular thing is done by both of us and many times I do a better job. She is constantly making it sound like she did it all by herself. After the fact, as we were going on to another subject, my boss piped in and said that I do a great job at it, too. As an afterthought, people mumbled nicely.

We had a retirement party at a restaurant for a co-worker. I was hesitant to go because I was nervous about not knowing anyone well and feeling awkward. She convinced me to go and sit next to her and not worry, I would be fine. When we got there, we sat next to each other. Then she turned her back and began talking to some people (some even standing behind us). They were laughing and I sat there and felt very isolated and extremely self conscious. Even the people across from us at the table were in on the conversation which I couldn't hear. There was no place for me to go and no one to talk to. I wanted to disappear.

We close the office together, so have an hour at the end of the day when we are basically alone. I have tried to explain that I am not comfortable when she says these things during the day, when others can hear, including patients sometimes.

She feels that since we are friends, it's ok to be honest.

My question, I guess, is if I'm over reacting. Should I just shut it all out and do my job? Not bother to be in on conversations? Not try to become closer to co-workers? Let her take all the credit? It kills me to see everyone in such a cohesive group. Thanks for your input.

A struggling introvert

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AnonymousOctober 13,2021 at 10:32PM UTC
I feel your struggle, been there done that. I have found that if I want to feel like a "part of" then I need to step out of my comfort zone and include myself. And for me, it is uncomfortable, and it can at times be awkward-but I do it anyway.
As far as being friends and being honest-yes. For myself, I appreciate that. However, there is a time and place for everything and some things can wait. It's not kind to embarrass anyone-even with the excuse of being honest. That's just mean. Just my little opinion for what it's worth.
I wish you well and I hope you can get to a point of feeling more a part of!!
AnonymousOctober 13,2021 at 11:31PM UTC
At the beginning of this post you said that you feel like you’ve known everybody at your job forever, that it almost feels like family. A couple paragraphs later, you said that you felt awkward at your co-worker’s retirement party because you didn’t know anyone that well… It sounds like the office dynamic you loved so much before she got there has changed beyond recognition. While that certainly can be frustrating, it’s not really her fault for that. From all that you’ve said, she fits in well and the rest of the office enjoys her being there. It sounds like she has some immature qualities, which isn’t all that surprising from someone who’s young enough to be your child.
If her behavior is hindering your ability to do your job successfully, then consider following your office’s protocol for addressing these issues. Otherwise, you have to accept some responsibility for making the effort to be a part of the cohesive group that you feel isolated from. Nobody’s keeping you excluded on purpose. As for her “taking all the credit” for things, that just sounds very bitter and jealous. Either speak up for yourself and ask for the attention you want that she’s getting, or ignore it and focus on doing your job as best you can.
AnonymousOctober 14,2021 at 12:23AM UTC
Thank you for sharing your experience. Though the circumstances are different, its something that I can relate to.
It seems like this is a matter of boundaries. You can celebrate your friends success and also want to be recognized with the work. I’m aware of 2 methods: you may need to use both.
A) Find a way to coach her when credit is offered publicly. It could sound like… when accolades are given, please take note to share the success with your co-pilot.
B) When credit is given in a public setting, chime in and say something like “yes, it was a pleasure working with X to achieve Y. Many more to come.” That acknowledges that you were part of the effort elegantly.
Be careful not to let any casual remarks slip. That could cause resentment.
AnonymousOctober 14,2021 at 3:47AM UTC
I think this is difficult because you were there first, you got her the job and you both have almost the same job responsibilities.
So first off, you were the shining example that was asked to find someone just like you so your capabilities and work ethic are fully noticed.
But the two of you couldn't be more different in temperament. She is outgoing, and engaging. You are introverted and reserved. She is a reminder of the different way you show up in the world. Different...not better.
Your insecurities are yours and you need to get some perspective. This is not a competition. You need to really celebrate your strengths. Own what you do well. If you don't know what your strengths are ask a close friend or family member to tell you. You definitely need to know what they are because you are comparing yourself to your coworker and coming up short in your own eyes. This is making you miserable, and causing you undue pain. You are noticing feedback and connections your coworker has developed with the staff and somehow, in your eyes, you are coming up short.
So your coworker's lack of etiquette and self awareness with her inappropriate comments aside (and they were rude but not deliberately hurtful I don't think), let's step back and stop focusing on all the love this coworker is enjoying at work and start focusing on the joy you feel at work. Is the staff kind to you? Do they appreciate your work? Do the patients say nice things to you? Do you look forward to going to work?
I suggest you embrace your wonderful experience at work. Try and stop focusing on your coworker, stop keeping score of of how she's receiving attention you'd like.....Yada, Yada.
If you want better relationships at work with the others then focus on how you can develop those on your terms. If your coworker says something hurtful let her know just as you have been doing. So she speaks without thinking......you have the good grace, manners and awareness not to act this way. Chalk this up to a win for you.
Interact with the office in your own way. Forge your own style of relationships that you're comfortably with. Embrace the introvert profile in you. It's a great contribution and balance to the vibe of the office. It has value. It sounds like your office is a wonderful place to work abd I'm super jealous.
I think you just need some perspective here. Her experience through your eyes doesn't make your experience any less impact full or rich. Just different. Embrace the difference.