It's a tricky skill to build but I've learned to "coach up". It might not work 100% of the time but the majority of the time I'm able to alleviate some of the stress by at least getting them to settle down.. and in several cases I've turned into the favorite. Essentially it's a way of taking control of the situation while letting them still feel like they are running the show.
It takes some time because you first need to get to understand them better. If you have the opportunity to have conversations with them that are not directly about work you're involved in, get curious, ask questions about what they are focused on, how they like to work, how they got where they are.. it's like research. It gives you insight so you can figure out a better approach. One example is a leader I had similar to yours that was very demanding with high expectations but never seemed satisfied. She had trouble communicating what she wanted. Through some 1 on 1 chats (and with the help of Gallup Strengths because I work with that) I learned that she is action oriented and a maximizer which kinda just means she's a perfectionist. It's hard for her to feel like something is "good enough". So After some observation, I stepped in in a project meeting and started by kindof defending her to the group.. saying "I get it.. this is a really important project, I think the impact could be big. I see why we want to get it right" and then I'd address her action-oriented side by saying "but I think that's why we need to take a beat to understand where we're going better. We can get the details done, but I think we're having trouble with clarity.. this is clearly more than just a guide (we were working on a leaders guide), so what will this project accomplish at it's best? What impact should it have on the leaders who use it?" and then I continued to ask some questions, then relayed it back not only to her, but the group in a way that they could understand. Almost like a translator. I think showing that I understood her and I wanted to make it happen for her brought some of her walls down enough to get some answers out of her. Then basically guided her through guiding the team with my questions and because it worked and we finally got the momentum she wanted, she started really trusting me.
Again, it takes some skill to build but if you can make someone feel seen and safe, you can get them to tell you a lot more. Not that that should be your job.. but you're obviously in this situation and you can't make her change overnight, but you can change the way you interact with her to try to get a different response.
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