I can't take this anymore - but can't find a way out

25 Comments

1. JJMay 14,2022 at 7:46PM UTC

   My best advice is to quit.
   A toxic boss can impact your health for years to come, including mental heath and physical health. Bullies do not change and bad leaders do not suddenly become empathetic mentors. If you cannot quit (totally get it!) can you have a frank and difficult conversation with him? My personal experience is that sometimes people start businesses because they cannot make it within a corporate environment where this behavior would be less tolerated. Yes, maybe he’s an entrepreneurial genius or maybe he is just a tyrant who is smart enough to create his own little kingdom. Money is important. It may be the most important. But do not get to the point where you are so burnt out and sick that you don’t even care if you can’t pay your bills. Start planning now so you can get to a more solid/stable role as fast as possible. Good luck! Lots of smart people here who can help.

2. AnonymousMay 14,2022 at 8:02PM UTC

   Sorry to hear.
   Start ups are always a wild card it can be really good and fail in 5yrs or it could be really bad and fail in 5 yrs. Statistically most startups fail in 3 to 5 yrs. So even if the pay is great it may not last once it tanks. When a boss is that toxic it is often due to his own projected insecurities. Since it is a startup he likely feels the pressure of what that brings and projected it onto others. Problem with bosses is their personality and leadership style is what it is and you are not likely going to be the one to change them. Avoid Startup company searches if you can. Go on linked in and search for people who work for the type of company in the exact industry of interest. Format your resume to mirror theirs. Reach out to network with them. Say hey I think I might be interested in working for your company can you tell me more about your environment when you have time. Start the conversation they maybe be able to give you a heads up as opportunities come up and put in a good word for you during an interview,

   more importantly take care of you. Shield yourself with prayers try your best not to absorb his negativity. See the value in yourself and lean on your faith and prayers. You will get thru this . You will get out of this successfully. Tell yourself this everyday

3. Heather CutlerMay 14,2022 at 8:03PM UTC

   Might be time to say: it's clear this work relationship isn't working out. Let's talk about a severance package and wrapping up any active projects.

   From what you're saying, the boss does NOT seem interested in salvaging this work relationship so its time to put all of your thought and effort into activating your job search and getting out of there.

   Commit to a certain number of networking connections and job applications each week. Hold your self accountable because it can be easy to get caught up in the drama of your current position.

   You might also consider asserting yourself in this current position. When he's critical of your work (a project or process you've not been training on) speak up and say, "I'll put time on our calendars so you can train me properly."

   It doesn't sound like this situation will end well so shift to becoming 100% selfish and getting out of there! Best of luck in your next steps.

4. AnonymousMay 14,2022 at 11:40PM UTC

   This is simply not a fit for you.

5. KatMay 16,2022 at 3:07AM UTC

   Look for a new job. Your boss is a terrible manager severely lacking in people skills and leadership ability. As for social media, change your privacy settings to control who can see your posts. Block or unfollow your boss & any co-workers on all your accounts. Tell everyone you're taking a break from social media because you don't have time for it. If needed, set up new accounts with different emails & don't connect to anyone from your current job. This is an unhealthy environment that I hope you can leave behind soon.

6. C AllenMay 16,2022 at 12:30PM UTC

   block him from your social media

7. AnonymousMay 16,2022 at 12:36PM UTC

   Just went through this. After 2 months I was done. Currently working my 2 week notice and start a new job in a week. Have you reached out to old employer? This is toxic.

8. Heather BinghamMay 16,2022 at 12:53PM UTC

   It perhaps comes down to whether he's a first time CEO or a serial entrepreneur. If he's the latter, he knows that constructive feedback is best served with a side-order of thanks and praise and he just ignores this and does his own sweet thing. These bosses are to be avoided. If, however, he's a first-timer who began life in an old-fashioned industry, he may have never had decent management training. If you think he could change, consider sitting him down and telling him what you need from him.

   You could be the person who transforms his style for every other employee who is to come. But if you believe his style to be dyed in his wool, leave him quickly to his misery and failure.

   Just ensure your desperation cannot be recognised in your applications. Simply say that the role you were given has transformed completely to require a different skill-set to yours, and that should be enough.

9. Bevin MarieMay 16,2022 at 1:01PM UTC

   Yes, I hate to agree with the others that you may need to move on. Perhaps you can use your current salary as leverage to also ask for a higher salary at wherever you land next. I'm sorry to hear about everything that you've been put through.

10. AnonymousMay 16,2022 at 1:05PM UTC

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. The unfortunate reality of this situation is people don't usually leave jobs, they leave bad managers. I personally think it's time you leave, keep working, keep doing what you can, but keep applying for new jobs. Stay strong and just know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It may be a lateral move, but you will probably be happier in a better culture.

11. AnonymousMay 16,2022 at 1:12PM UTC

    and this is one (of several reasons) I took myself out of consideration after an interview with a principal at a start up. I spent 12 years at a start-up... and yes, it never really grew out of that phase - working for a mercurial owner who was fairly tolerable until he brought his wife into the company.

    Extreme lack of transparency and no tolerance for the least bit of criticism. I actually said things like, "just because I am quiet does not mean I AGREE with you."

    Honestly, keep looking. From you post it sounds like you are in marketing??? The job market for us marketers is booming right now. Keep looking. and good luck!

12. Gretchen SkalkaMay 16,2022 at 1:25PM UTC

    I am incredibly sorry to hear that you're in this situation!

    I would normally suggest trying to forge a partnership in these situations, but it doesn't seem like this particular individual would be open to such an approach.

    What I might try, instead, is respectful rebuff to his comments.

    Saying your performance is weak or slow, for example.

    Those are subjective terms. When he says such things - ask for clarity.

    -When he says weak - in what way? The tone of the language in the campaign? The engagement of the campaign?

    -When he says slow -in what way? Relative to deadline? Did he establish one? Slow in terms of when he thought it would be done? Did he communicate clearly when he expected that?

    -When he says run things by him for feedback - do it. Sure. Why not. But then when he says he doesn't want you to run to him for approval - perhaps it's a good time to discuss why he would suggest you run things by him.

    All of that being said - I also think it would be a good idea to begin a soft search for other opportunities.

    While you're looking, you can build some negotiation and communication skills with him, get a baseline of behavior you want to weed out in future situations and maybe, just maybe, help him gain a perspective of the world beyond himself.

    (big maybe, I know)

    It will be ok. These things tend to work themselves out - and I believe you are already on the path to working it out for yourself. :)

    The point is that he won't see the contradictions in his instruction to you until and unless he is a physical part of them. NOT just saying them to you and moving on - but a part of their implementation.

13. Karen GongawareMay 16,2022 at 1:46PM UTC

    First off, why does he have access to your social media. The blocking button is there for a reason. Second, stand up for yourself, no one else is going to do it. So what if he fires you? It is a toxic and hostile working environment, which gets you unemployment. Confront him over his statements, especially ones where he berates you for someone else's work. Ask him if you're so horrible, why are you still there? Heh, may be fired then but again who cares? Document times and dates of all the above so you are ready to defend getting unemployment. Then heal and go forth to do battle again on the work field.

14. JYJMay 16,2022 at 1:53PM UTC

    He's a jackass and no one deserves to be treated this way.
    I know it's an exhausting thought to be looking again, but take a breath, regroup and target specific companies. It sounds like you have a skill set that I see is very in demand right now. The market is still hot! I love Gretchen's post. Definitely ask for clarity when he unfairly calls you out. Remain calm knowing that you are going to be out of there soon enough. Compartmentalize this job and focus on your search. Consider jumping to full time freelance. You deserve so much better and the right employer is going to value what you bring to the table.

15. AnonymousMay 16,2022 at 1:56PM UTC

    3 Things:
    When he says dismissive stuff don’t react the way he would want you to (he wants to rattle you) and flip it back to him ask for details. In what way is this weak? What do you mean run this by you and I’m too dependent? Document everything.

    As everyone else has said block him on social media.

    You’re looking for new work. So you’re doing the work to get yourself out of there. Every time he does something awful remind yourself you’ll be out of there no time.

16. froerden@yahoo.comMay 16,2022 at 2:05PM UTC

    I’m sorry to hear about your problems. The problem with startups and most small businesses is that they are started by people who know all about “the business” but have no talent, skills or trading in Management! Expert in your field does NOT equal expert in managing. You need get out because he will not/cannot learn how to manage his people. Good luck.

17. Lesa Edwards, Career Coach & Master Resume WriterMay 16,2022 at 2:17PM UTC

    I agree that it is time to get out - and "applying to jobs like crazy" isn't the answer. Use your network; apply only to jobs you are extremely interested in and at least 80% qualified for; ask people you know to help you get your foot in the door at those companies so you aren't just one of XXX applicants.

    As a career coach working in the job search space, I see plenty of people who are trying to get out of a bad situation grasping for anything/everything. This "scarcity" mentality doesn't serve you - the energy is completely opposite of the abundance energy you want in a job search. Energy that says "I am great, and a great company is going to offer me a great job that I will be great at."

18. Rhonda RoyalMay 16,2022 at 2:28PM UTC

    First things first, block this guy from your accounts. He’s watching them only to see that you’re promoting/idealizing his business, ie; idealizing him, so please DON’T! Next, continue your job search, the boss here has created a ‘toxic’ (although remote) work environment, and will do what he can to create problems if he knows that you plan to make a speedy exit. (For the time being) take on a convenient part time or temporary position, once you’ve ‘landed it’ write a simple email, “We no longer work together “, and that’s the end of it! Good luck to you my friend!

19. AnonymousMay 16,2022 at 2:51PM UTC

    I'm afraid my answer to the "why aren't you proud to work with us" question would be "because of you." After which I'd tell him exactly everything he's done to make my job miserable. I've gotten too old (55+) to put up with much foolishness from management.

20. Megan JohnstonMay 16,2022 at 4:56PM UTC

    Definitely keep applying! It can sometimes be hard not to let our mindset leak through into the applications. Keep an eye on your applications. Focus on what you really want. Be careful not to sound dissatisfied with where you are. Don't come across as desperate. Those are real reasons you might not be getting callbacks. Take a breath and look at this as a door to a new opportunity not an exit from a crap experience and that mindset shift will help you land what you want!

21. AnonymousMay 16,2022 at 6:35PM UTC

    You need to have a VERY direct conversation with him about how he speaks to you and provides feedback.

    (Especially since he’s male and I assume you’re female?).

    It’s OK to give constructive feedback but he sounds like he’s micromanaging and maybe doesn’t have proper training on how to lead people. Ask him directly “what do I do well”. No one should ever feel bullied, ashamed or nagged to death over work. If he gets defensive or is unable to do this simple thing (and maintain naturally without you asking for it) then I’d move on. And make sure you rate him and the company on Glassdoor

22. AnonymousMay 16,2022 at 6:56PM UTC

    I would consider leaving.

23. Tiffany PittmanMay 16,2022 at 9:45PM UTC

    It's a good thing you haven't posted this job on LinkedIn. I think you need to leave. Your boss is acting like he has control over you. It sounds like harassment. He's insecure and full of fear that his company will fail. That's why he thinks he needs to rule with an iron fist.

    Since he's the CEO, there's no one else you can turn to for back up in the company. Turn in a resignation immediately with a 2 week notice. Your mental health & time are more valuable than going through all of this. He seems like if you gave a 2 week notice he might make the experience more miserable so be prepared to jump ship sooner if you have to.

    Lastly, make your social channels private for awhile or block him and unfriend him. If he questions it say, "its a private matter." and nothing else. You don't owe him an explanation in regards to YOUR social media.

    A job is like dating - if it’s not a good fit, you move on because you can't change them. So stop "dating" this job. It's a bad date!

    I understand money and your livelihood are factors too. With this job out of the way, you'll have more time, energy, and space to attract a new position. Blessings to you!

24. HannahMay 17,2022 at 12:30AM UTC

    My dear friend, I think your boss for that matter CEO, has a personal interest in you for which I cannot predict what his interest is.

    The good way out is to go to him and talk with him. This will actually reveal whatever his intentions are. if the feedback after the discussion is positive to you, then take your decision, but if it's still negative, then my dear friend, prepare to leave. My interest is in your preparation. My spirit animal Ryan Kay told me, that in everything we do, we must prepare for it. If you quit unprepared and you're struggling with payment of bills, am sure those of us here who are encouraging you to leave immediately, won't offer you cash assistance to survive. So dear friend, prepare and leave. I also agree with the person before Megan Johnsten. I wish you well

25. AnonymousMay 18,2022 at 9:26AM UTC

    Hi!

    I totally understand your situation. I have been working for a multinational with a similar approach, you get a new assignment little to no guidance and go fish! Because their idea is that experience is the best learner.

    I found it super stressful and often I wanted to give up. But in hindsight, it has given me so much. Stepping out of your comfort zone, finding out, reaching out to people, it created a very steep learning curve also in selfdevelopment. (that said i thought about leaving every other day during that period :)).

    But just because it is hard, don't give up. Remember why you wanted this role and take it as an opportunity to grow also in difficult situations.

    If it is a Start-up than probably your boss is an expert in one field (the product itself maybe?) and lacks experience and knowledge in people management ;)

    When he says your campaigns are no good - then ask why that is, and for any new campaigns (already at the development phase) be sure to ask : What is the objective of the campaign, what are the kpis that we will set to see it if is a success, are these KPIs realistic and and measurable? That will help to drive the conversation later on. Also at the briefing phase, suggest at what point you will run it by him - at early development, rather than at the final phase - so he can give his input - because once you go into production (or whatever it is your campaigns do) you'll lose more time and it will cost more money.

    If he still struggles to give constructive feedback, ask him to give examples of what success looks like to him and then you work towards that goal.

    Make it very concrete, also for (realistic) deadlines (so you can measure if the too slow is correct, and then you make changes in your retro-planning, ie. I need to launch by date X - I will need XX time to make it happen + buffer).

    Ask the questions you need to do your job better.

    As for social media, block him from all your personal social media, he shouldnt look at that.

    For linkedin, don't block him just yet. Use it as a fun way to plant some seeds on topics like job coaching and people management or share best in class examples from your field of expertise. Plant little positive seeds, maybe he will pick up some ideas to better himself :)

    (and an occasional good news show for the company - which will ease his ego) .

    Do you have any colleagues? Reach out to them, but without complaining. I try to reachout to all the new comers in my team, to offer a bit of the support i was lacking in the beginning. (but be carefull not to complain too openly - just ask what are they working on etc...and create some go-to people to ask for advice if necessary.

    Hope it helps!!