DISCUSSIONS

This is for my menopausal friends.

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This is for my menopausal friends. I work on a team with all young men. They are great and some know I'm 50. We all work remote and the last time we were together I wasnt having constant hot flashes. Now I am and will be driving to a convention with one of them next week. Then we'll be spending 3 days on a convention show floor together. The inevitable will happen and likely many times. Sometimes they are light and easy to ignore, sometimes I sweat, get light headed and feel nauseous.

I want to support awareness and just fess up to it, lightheartedly knowing me, but am concerned my 25-40 something male colleagues will become awkward. They are super awesome and I feel one of the team but not sure how this will go down. Some of their mothers are probably similar age to me!

Has anyone just owned up to it? How did it go? How did you handle it? Any advice?

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  1. Anonymous

    I shared my hot flashes with my male team at the time. They were 20s and 30s made funny jokes and was completely transparent because I wanted how there by me to control the message. They were great. Always keeping frozen bottles of water in the fridge which they took turns handing me to place on my neck. Another benefit was they ran hot so the ac was always at 65 degrees. When I would catch a chill I just threw on my sweater that I kept in my office. Each of them had their quirks and I made sure to support them.

    Overall they are more understanding than you'd think because like you said, their mothers were going through or had gone similar phases.

    They will take their lead from you.

  2. Anonymous

    I get hot at 35! What about pre?

  3. Troy

    If they are as cool and understanding as you wrote, just be honest. It’s life. Bring light and awareness to it versus making it awkward. As women we must be transparent with what we grow through as we age, that’s how we all learn.

  4. Alexis Gladstone

    I agree with everyone. If you have such a great relationship they will take it in stride. I used to get them when I was conducting training so it would be in front of an entire group. I would just say, "Looks like I'm have a personal vacation!" People would laugh. I also had a male client sitting at a table with me in a room of about 50 people. When I started fanning myself he looked at me and started laughing in a way that I could tell he knew exactly what was going on. I shrugged and laughed with him and he poured a glass of water for me.

  5. Johanna Lyman

    Since hot flashes started for me, I've always said, "ooh, flashing'!" It seems to normalize it-- usually people laugh a little.

  6. Anonymous

    I would probably have to throw in a joke about how --if some people call these power surges instead--I really need to find a way to harness that to save on electric bills.

  7. Mari Long

    Agree with the others. People can relate so tell them. I have been telling coworkers and I always get feedback that they have them or some ailment they have to deal with! Makes for an easier time for all of you.

  8. Anonymous

    Just say you have a condition you will have to attend to, or are dealing with currently. Let them know that that you are at risk of light headedness, so you may have to sit down or go to the ladies room to attend to it. I would not fess up to a group of men about female issues. They don't want to hear it at work.

  9. PJ Deusenberry

    I had a similar situation. I was just up front about it. I even kind of joked about it. Since I wasn't uncomfortable sharing, others seemed to be at ease. They took a cue from my attitude about it.

  10. Pamela Opara

    I’m still in my 20s so i’m here for the comments

  11. Kerry Chamberlain

    I started perimenopause at 40. I had most people disbelieving I was already in the process because I was young. Hot flashes were the easy part. At the beginning I had crushing panic attacks that took 8 months to get help for (because the process for this kind of help takes time). I talked to my boss about it and let her know what was going on. She was understanding and did not question time off when I wasn't able to work because of the panic attacks. I also talk to other women at work too and share stories. We help each other out. In terms of the guys, be honest about it. They are more understanding than you think.

  12. Holly Jacobs

    I'm fed up with people still referring to their physical self rather than their performance. 90% of all people have a disability, whether you can see it or not. https://languages.oup.com/google-dictionary-en/ (noun: disability; plural noun: disabilities a physical or mental condition that limits a person's movements, senses, or activities.)

    Push through it and if your peers, associates, or management view it as a weakness to exploit, then the culture has a problem & exploit that weakness better your peers and work culture.

  13. Holly McWhorter

    I agree with others that if you’re on truly friendly terms with these guys, just tell them what it is. It’s normal and they should get used to hearing about it.

    But if you’re not close and you don’t trust them not to hold it against you as “women’s problems,” just frame it as some random medical thing you have to deal with from time to time and leave it at that, as the details are none of their business.

    Also, for anyone who finds it helpful, I take a combo of melatonin (9 mg at night) and pine bark extract (200mg morning and night, and just FYI pine bark extract is also known as pycnogenol) for my hot flashes and it’s MASSIVELY helpful. I’m 52 and they’re rarely even an issue for me since I started this. These are the two main ingredients in an expensive popular supplement for hot flashes, and they’re much cheaper bought separately!

  14. Anonymous

    I suggest listening to the HBR podcast Women at Work; they devote an episode to it. Be straightforward and even about it, no fessing up...every woman on the planet goes through this so let's normalize it. You can't control how they react...only how you put out the reason why you might need to step away for a moment or fan yourself. The energy you put behind it of normal will cue those around you in how to act. https://hbr.org/podcast/2020/05/working-through-menopause-at-work

  15. Julie Acosta

    Thank you for bringing this up - as a woman who will begin hormone therapy soon, I often think about how perimenopausal symptoms are going to affect my work in a hybrid environment. Here to learn from those who have gone through this.

  16. Anonymous

    It's interesting!

  17. Laura E. Wendt

    My suggestion: Humor. Re-watch the scene in Sex in the City where Samantha (Kim Cattrall) tears her wig off due to hot flashes (Cancer related) and 'bares it all'. If you can keep it light and punchy, you'll have a better time of it with your colleagues.

  18. Lynn Thompson Brendlen Lesley

    I work with 19 men ranging from 21-55. When I am having my hot flashes I just let them know "HOT FLASH" and everyone laughs. At their age I certainly hope they know the facts of life.

  19. Anonymous

    I agree with the comments about owning up to it, although I am perplexed by the ones about making a joke of it. Hot flashes are not shameful or embarrassing, they're life. Not to mention, it's not our job as women to make the people around us feel comfortable all the time by lightening the mood. We're hot. We also have to be witty? That's ridiculous.

  20. Anonymous

    Fair enough and I think everyone needs to manage their own way. Men jest with each other and I tremendously enjoy that - so I'd be thrilled to include this in the list!

  21. Anonymous

    When I was in menopause I had a hot flash during a review with my boss. I told him right away what it was and he told me his wife called them "power surges". We both laughed as we are in the energy business. Be honest and frame it with humor if that helps. They will understand more than you think.

  22. Tina

    Not sure if this was just me but a few years ago, I decided to go sugar-free. This would have been the time I was at the age of peri menopause. I still have not had any of the normal signs of menopause. I believe I have read that for some, this does help with the hot flashes for women..? You might check it out, totally worth skipping the sugar if it could bring about some relief? Is it just a coincidence, possibly but adjust your diet might help for you, too. Anyone else read or heard about such changes.?

  23. Beth

    It does help a lot! Avoiding alcohol especially. Not judging- just sharing experience.

  24. Anonymous

    One of my struggles with perimenopause/menopause has been the inability to sleep well at night. That particular issue has made my perimenopausal brain fog worse. I am also unable to grasp new knowledge as well as I used to. I am working on alternative ways to learn to attempt to maintain. However, having brain drain associated with perimenopause/menopause at work is very tough.

  25. Wendy Carranza

    I feel you, girlfriend! Same here.

  26. Anonymous

    Yep. Sleep sucks. I'm trying CBD at night but once I wake up, I'm just accepting that I'll be awake for awhile. And I always assume that no one is 100% alert everyday so I chalk it up to that. I have also used my lack of middle of the night sleeping to brilliant ideas that randomly pop into my head! I can blame lack of sleep for brain fog and brilliance!

  27. CosmosMom

    For hot flashes I use fever patches. I put them on my back or chest under my shirt. I don’t know how they work to keep you cool, but they do. I switched to Dove clinical strength deodorant also. I have found that everyone knows how uncomfortable it can be and I’ve never hidden it. I can see myself turning red on zoom calls and everyone ignored it, because they know. Good luck, but seriously- fever patches= godsend. I orders mine on Amazon.

  28. Anonymous

    Just own it. I shared the fact I was having a flashy moment with a male colleague in zoom and he shared that his wife was having same symptoms due to chemo. So we kinda bonded on that.

  29. Anonymous

    I agree with several posters … humor and as good an attitude as you can muster. I frequently refer to it as “mental-pause” when I’m having brain fog or comment “the struggle is real”. That usually breaks any of the awkwardness.

    Also, prepare ahead to take care of you. If that means extra bottles of water stashed in your bag or limiting alcohol or an early bedtime, no one will fault you for bowing out of a social chat a few minutes early.

  30. Heather Tearney

    Thank you for bringing up this issue. I agree with the other commenters in saying that the best thing we can do is be open about it.

  31. Anonymous

    When I was going thru menopause, I did have not have true hot flashes, per se. What I DID have, unfortunately, were 3-M moments, menopausal meltdown moments. One day I was upset about something trivial . My boss asked me what was wrong and I told him I was having a 3-M moment-and told him what 3-M meant. He, FORTUNATELY, understood as his partner was having the same thing happen and he gave me have some space to regroup. Then we got back to work. I think, especially in this day and age, “most” people, I would hope, would understand.

  32. Anonymous

    What are 3-M moments? I will say that I'm trying to pay close attention when I start to lose my temper. To back away from the keyboard! I had what I called Dragon Days when I was prego many years back. I stopped working on those days because I would be full of rage!

  33. A Carr

    YES I tell everyone I even got mad because the maintenance guy wouldn't turn the air down so I went to my E.D. I said I'm going thru menopause and i asked so n so to turn down the air but he hasn't, my E.D. was and had him turn it down and get me a fan!!! I'm not embarrassed at all

  34. Anonymous

    Firstly you need to go to your Doctor! There are treatments to rid/minimize hot flashes and other menopause side affects. Please do not suffer any longer!

  35. Nancy Mace

    Just tell them that you're still hot!
    It just comes in flashes. (Just kidding) seriously though... Go see your doctor or NP. I started BioTE and it was a life saver. Plant based hormone therapy. A couple pellets in my hip and I was good to go!

  36. Anonymous

    Yes! I have an appt later in October so its managing from now until then. I'm not against getting help because I swear, if I eat cool food, super clean - no problem. Have a glass of champagne or warm coffee - forget it. :)

  37. Anonymous

    I think it depends on your relationship with them and what company you work for. I will turn 50 next year and have passed menopause. Some were awkward, while with others I feel I just brought attention to my age which is not a good thing. Opens you up to discrimination and age bias.

  38. Anonymous

    This is also part of why I asked. I am in a young industry as well and while I am sure my team will support me, I want to do it in a way that allows them to be comfortable addressing it when its obvious. Some great examples in here!

  39. Shelby C

    I went through it when I was 28 due to Premature Ovarian Failure. :/ THAT was awkward. I feel your pain. My mom and I suffered through it together. Lol!

    I can't take any kind of HRT, so I used to say things like, "Excuse me, I am glowing" or "Oh, my. Did you know ladies can have hot flashes so bright we can read by them?" You have to know your team and be able to read the room. There is a fine line between being inappropriate and lightening the mood.

  40. Anonymous

    I love this- It's my new GLOW. Maybe I should put on a mildly glittery foundation. HA. :)

  41. Shelby C

    PS - Don't listen to the haters who say we can't wear eyeshadow with glitter over forty. :) My mom is in her seventies and doesn't leave the house without it!

  42. Anonymous

    Why do we feel we have to explain a natural body function? things change as you age and with change comes some uncomfortable things. Its making a big deal out of nothing. It happens, deal with it and move on. I don't feel an explanation is necessary unless asked...why explain? I have them and so? I do not and will not explain...it is what it is...I have had them for 20 years....it only affects me so who cares?

  43. Anonymous

    But she is uncomfortable and “deal with it and move on” Maybe isn’t the most constructive suggestion?

    I was at a convention last month with coworkers and one had a health issue. It only affected her, so who cares? We all did, because she’s our colleague and we care about her as a human being. We could see her struggling all day and she kept saying “I’m fine” she wasn’t. We spent a good chunk of evening in urgent care… once she opened up to us we could help her because she shouldn’t feel she’s on her own.

  44. Anonymous

    Illness is a whole different thing than a natural thing that many women go through....men don't explain prostate issues when they have to excuse themselves several times....why do we need to explain hot flashes?

    Sometimes I think we take too many things and make them issues. I don't explain that I am flat chested because I had a mastectomy! There are bigger things to be concerned about than natural bodily functions!

  45. Anonymous

    I'm glad that you are good with this. Good on you and I'm not offended although your tone is a bit harsh. Agreed with the other commenter.. The reason I am concerned is that some of my hot flashes are a bit intense. I have to sit down as I get light-headed and nauseous. So they do disrupt. And while it is natural, my question was more around how do I be a 51 yr old female, open and honest and make these 25-35 year olds comfortable (they are my team and my signs are external, unlike prostrate). The answers in this thread also help me approach conversations - there are many great ones! I love power surge and personal summer!

  46. Debra Myers Adams

    I love this!

    Because you'll be in close quarters and participating in group activities and conversations, you'll certainly not be able to hide it.

    This is an opportune time to promote "Team work". Surely sometime between now and your trip, you'll be talking with and doing some last minute planning with your co-worker. When you are conversing, you can prep him with an honest and candid remark like, "Hey, Tom. I just wanted to let you know that I've got some medical stuff going on. Recently I've been experiencing hot flashes, or Personal Summers as I like to call them. It's part of life, nothing to be embarrassed about, but sometimes it interrupts my train of thought or I may need to grab a glass of water. If we are together, can I count on you to pick up the conversation and act as if this is a normal part of our banter?"

    Then in the car on the way there, it'd be easy to lightheartedly remind Tom of your agreement to cover for you in your time of need. "...and don't forget, when we're talking with John from ABC company, I may ask you to take over for a half a minute while I get thru a short little Personal Summer."

    If you are speaking with an older woman, don't feel like you need to hide it...they'll appreciate your being genuine and real and honest. It's easy to fan yourself with a book or a writing pad and say "Oh. My. Word. These personal summers are NOT going to get the best of me!"

    It's happens to all of us. It's a fact of life.

    In truth, it's no different than wearing a boot on your foot. You lightheartedly say something like "A gopher hole put me in this boot but he's not going home anymore!!" Nobody will ask why you're in a boot, because you've cleared the air right away.

  47. Debra Myers Adams

    And...as you know by this stage of your career...men have their own getting older "moments".

  48. Anonymous

    HA HA... love this.

  49. Anonymous

    Thank you for sharing. Nice not to feel alone. Cotton clothing really helped me & layers, so that you can adjust easily up & down temperatures. Also drinking water with a quick squirt of lemon & cool spray which will hopefully help you feel comfortable as well. Also these days if I have anything processed (which I do & a lot) I get hot straight away...

  50. Anonymous

    Great idea- small bottle of cold water spray.

  51. Serena Garner

    I always just called them power surges. I don't know of anyone who is unaware or embarrassed by them anymore. I have always just joked about it and gone on. This too shall pass (and hopefully not pass out!).

  52. Anonymous

    I love all the responses. Thanks to everyone. I think I may copy this - power surges.

  53. Huong Nguyen-Valle

    I recently started perimenopause and work with a handful of men in the office and I see them regularly. I was open and honest about what is going on and why I get a certain way in terms of sweating, needing to step out for air, carrying a mini fan etc. They were okay cool and let me do my thing in the last few months as needed.

  54. Anonymous

    I’m lucky as my team is generally my age and up. So either they are married or have adult daughters who are going through the same thing. I am upfront about it to my manager and personally just laugh it off and excuse myself for a few minutes until I’m better.

  55. Kimberly Graham

    Thank you for your post! It's refreshing to be able to speak openly about a sensitive topic that is a fact of life. I still get shocked responses (especially in a work environment) when I share that I'm 56 as though it's supposed to be a secret. I'm not embarrassed for having 56 years of valuable life experience so I'm not sure why age and age related topics are taboo. Hot flashes are the worst! What I find is that feeling the need to cover up the fact that I'm boiling from the inside out despite the temperature makes me feel insecure and worse so rather than feel embarrassed I make a comment about having my own personal summer and it helps me not worry about it and those around me understand. And if they don't that's on them. Live your life out loud. :-)

  56. Jennifer Taylor

    I own my hot flashes and call them my “flash of inspiration” when I’m in the middle of a meeting with a colleague. I don’t know if you’re interested in a supplement, but I take Black Cohosh and it has helped SO much with my hot flashes. Also, I recommend wearing dark colors as they don’t show sweat (I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color), and layering.

  57. Tara O'Connor

    My aunt called them the vapors and she carried a person fan. I have personal summers and sit with a constant fan. Most men shrug it off and most of the men on my team are in their 20s...good luck.

  58. Joanna Poe

    So I haven't gone through the change yet, but I worked in tech for years with mostly guys, younger and older than I, often traveling with them for weeks at a time. They were all pretty chill with facts of female anatomy as they came up, as they will when you spend that much time together. It's 2022, be you.

  59. Thandiwe A. Telesford

    Thank you all for sharing. I really enjoyed this read and I am currently in the perimenopause stage,; I will be borrowing the "Flash of Inspiration" and "Power Surges" :-)

  60. Anonymous

    Is it just my 50's saying hello? Love it.

  61. Anonymous

    I have one of those misting bottles with cool you do a quick mist and it starts to cool you down. This bottles are life savers. You can mist your face anywhere on your body it doesn’t ruin makeup or clothes

  62. Anonymous

    I wonder if putting a little peppermint essential oil will help to? Just because it has a cooling action on the skin.

  63. Anonymous

    I haven’t tried that but the cool mist is heaven.

  64. Anonymous

    Here is great article I read a couple of days Column: I’m glad Courteney Cox is talking about menopause. Now can we do something about it?

    https://www.latimes.com/entertainment-arts/story/2022-09-27/column-im-glad-courteney-cox-is-talking-about-menopause-we-all-should

  65. Anonymous

    This was hilarious. My husband actually read it first and told me about the details he learned.

  66. Laura E. Wendt

    Also Anonymous, I can recommend a great book, Shmirshky, by E (a pen-name). It's a hoot and adds so much lightness to this at times intense topic. Good luck!

  67. Diane Reid

    I was in this same situation, surrounded my men in meetings and having hot flashes. If you haven’t already, please discuss your symptoms with your doctor. I didn’t realize that I was having an extreme number of hot flashes and other symptoms until I did that. I decided to move forward with HRT and am so glad I did

  68. SPNN4 S

    Same here. I'm 56 yrs old and thought I could manage through all the brain fog and other symptoms until it got to be too much. I work for a boss who is Neurodiverent and I could not cope with being an admin assistant to such a high functioning person. As soon as I went on HRT it's like someone turned the lights on in a dark room. I'm thinking clearly and I am sleeping better and it is such a relief.

  69. Anonymous

    Dress in layers and then be straight up front with him when it happens. Would you disguise a migraine or other medical condition? Menopause happens, and I'm grateful to the women who talked about it before I started experiencing it. A must read for all women is The Menopause Manifesto by Jen Gunter (OBGYN).

  70. Aubrey

    Second vote for Jen Gunter. She's fabulous!

  71. Jill

    I always used to say to anybody/everyone "Sorry, folks just experiencing my own personal summer." and let it go at that.

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