Am I the only one who is TOO___?

33 Comments

1. AnonymousJuly 23,2024 at 7:46PM UTC

   Congrats on being promoted! I'm curious, if you were a male, would they say the same exact things? Stand up, be direct, but kind and friendly. That can carry a person far, however, I see women all the time who will NOT speak up for themselves. I love watching the faces in meetings when I speak up and say what I know others want to say. We have a passive aggressive female and a condescending male in his 60's who clearly thinks women are beneath him. He learned real quick I'm not that girl. Men are accepted more than women in leadership. Rise and shine darlin, women are here and we are not leaving.

2. AnonymousJuly 23,2024 at 9:24PM UTC

   That's just life. With experience you develop as voice and a tone. With time you navigate according to your own sense of what's appropriate, effective and aligned with your values.

   Will you please everyone? No. Will you hit the right mark every time? No.

   But that's life. Read the room and do your best to hit your mark. You will not be the best fit 100% of the time.

3. AnonymousJuly 24,2024 at 12:46AM UTC

   One of my favorite executive bosses gave me the best advice that I've carried with me for 25+ years....

   "Know your audience."

   She coached me to know how to approach others (CAREfront rather than CONfront others with empathy).

   Perhaps take a course in course on communicating would assist you in your delivery. Tone matters. Listen well, and be kind. You can still be clear in your message without coming across like a bull in a china shop. It definitely takes practice.

4. Christi LopezJuly 26,2024 at 8:12PM UTC

   This. 100%. Crucial Learning has some great webinars and resources. My employer offers the "Crucial" courses free through our employee learning program.

5. AnonymousJuly 29,2024 at 5:54PM UTC

   Crucial Conversations - great book to learn more, yes!!

6. AnonymousJuly 29,2024 at 5:55PM UTC

   Excellent post of advice!!!

7. AnonymousJuly 24,2024 at 2:02PM UTC

   Clearly you have issues communicating perfectly to absolutely everyone. Oh well join the club. However the feedback you’ve received is consistent that you are direct and probably a bit intimidating which you probably don’t want to be. Sounds like you’re an aggressive go getter which is great but you just need some polish to ensure your lovely pushiness doesn’t get in the way of Getting the job done. Take a class in public speaking or get coached on communication. You are clearly a leader and good for you! I work with a wonderful brilliant woman who rubs many people the wrong way. I love her and am not

   at all intimidated but others are and it gets in the way of her being effective and people use it as an excuse She’s working on it.

8. AnonymousJuly 24,2024 at 3:58PM UTC

   One of the best pieces of advice I ever received regarding communicating conflicts and expectations came from my first manager. She told me to use the same voice, body language, and attitude I would use when just asking someone to pass the butter. Think about that.

9. AnonymousJuly 24,2024 at 6:09PM UTC

   This post is way too relatable.

   Damned if we do, damned it we don't!

10. AnonymousJuly 25,2024 at 12:45PM UTC

    Its healthy to have some self-awareness in one's presentation to adapt to different situations, but don't get caught up in trying to accommodate people's perceptions of how business women should behave. That way lies madness since you're dealing with biases and subjective sentiment. As long as you are getting the job done and communicating with professionalism, the rest can sit.

11. Susan PriceJuly 26,2024 at 12:56PM UTC

    I am still learning to moderate my tone and watch my body language, facial expression.

    the person who can maintain calm and still hold boundaries projects confidence. It's hard to do - but it's a balance I am learning to strike.

12. AnonymousJuly 25,2024 at 4:22PM UTC

    Because the world is still not quite ready for smart, confident, capable, women and the threats to those who cannot handle you are still prevalent. Let it go or teach or correct them on the proper words to use when describing things that illicit that sort of negative wording. Change the narrative. You earned it!

13. Marcia SmithJuly 26,2024 at 2:12PM UTC

    nailed it!

14. AnonymousJuly 25,2024 at 9:14PM UTC

    I always suggest that when we illicit a negative response, to go look in a mirror and repeat what you said, in the tone you said it. Naturally, our faces show our feelings. Unless you have an amazing poker face, however, most of us do not. Then see how that made you feel. I'm all for being a strong female and being direct, but I've learned I have to soften the blow so not to discourage others from approaching me. I guess I learned from my strong grandmother, her sisters and others, that you can command a room, but still be considered a nice person. I also learned if someone interrupts me or chooses to be on their cell instead of listening, I stop talking. It directs the moment to what they are doing and turns the focus back to the topic at hand. And whatever we do women, don't look down, look up and straight ahead. Good luck in your new role!

15. Melissa MonsonJuly 26,2024 at 1:01AM UTC

    I totalllllllllllly hear you there. One idea if you want to improve on this (and I honestly struggle with this too at times) is Toastmasters.

16. AnonymousJuly 26,2024 at 12:19PM UTC

    Many years ago I was directing a play. I’m a strident New Englander. I would always be careful to couch my feedback in a way not to offend. My choreographer was a southerner with a beautiful smile, a kind heart, and an accent to die for. After a big danced number she exclaimed, “oh my gawd! Y’all suck!!” And no one was remotely offended. Because she said it in a tone I can only wish was on my repertoire. She was able to give this straight up feedback because of her existing warm relationships and a tone of genuine love and appreciation for the actors as people.

17. Valerie RiegerJuly 26,2024 at 1:08PM UTC

    Being a Southerner myself, I can hear the choreographer's voice. I will admit, that even though I've lived in the Midwest for 20+ years now, I still rely on my Southern mannerisms and accent to soften the message.

18. Leader135412July 26,2024 at 12:29PM UTC

    No, you can't win with this, every action has a reaction.

    If the employee wasn't doing something wrong or being lazy, you wouldn't have to react. And if they now know they're are under your watchful eye, then they should be smarter.

    You can't be soft, your employees are not your friend. And make it clear this is how it has to be, for the good of the company. They put you there, and so it is.

19. AnonymousJuly 26,2024 at 12:34PM UTC

    The post is very timely for me at this moment, as I was just terminated from a position because my District Manager said I was “too aggressive” when disagreeing with him. Mostly regarding issues with customers behaving abusively towards my staff, sometimes even making threats. I was a highly successful leader, but he constantly told me I was “aggressive in tone” to him. I have noticed that my peers who are in favor with him tend to defer to him on everything, and maybe in my next job I will have to adopt that stance.

20. AnonymousJuly 26,2024 at 12:52PM UTC

    Be quick to listen, slow to speak...this mantra helps temper those traits

21. WandaJuly 26,2024 at 1:10PM UTC

    I don't know. But there is such a thing as being a servant leader - being direct with your subordinates, while showing strength, character and integrity protecting them and putting them first. And I find that if a woman adopts this approach, she's less likely to be challenged or labeled.

22. Orlagh CostelloJuly 26,2024 at 1:16PM UTC

    Because you're female and society....

23. Marcia SmithJuly 26,2024 at 2:11PM UTC

    You are not alone. I think hat women are often accused of being aggressive, but men exhibiting the same behavior and worse are not. It's just an excuse to reduce the power of women

24. AnonymousJuly 26,2024 at 2:28PM UTC

    Following to see if there's a good answer to this issue!!!!

25. C AllenJuly 26,2024 at 2:30PM UTC

    I've always wanted to respond to this type of criticism "would we be having this conversation if I was [insert male counterparts name]?"

    Lol haven't had the guts to do it for real tho. . . Not to their face

26. AnonymousJuly 26,2024 at 2:39PM UTC

    I think this can happen as you're promoted and yes there's a double standard with women. Those comments are telling you about the workspace culture.

    Consider what it is you want for yourself and a workspace. You may come to an understanding of who you are and want to be- and make peace with how it fits or conflicts with an external view of you. That's just for you. Changing the workspace is bigger and changing the world that influences the workspace/society is even bigger. Not impossible, but not necessarily something that needs to fall on your shoulders. Recognizing the challenge and finding camaraderie along the way can help.

    FWIW, some women I knew were promoted for "clearheaded leadership," and were praised for essentially doing the dirty work of the company (thereby solidifying a reputation). I'm not saying that's what's happening here, but it is a knife's edge to navigate.

    I think you answered your own question- at least in the environment you're working in. If it gnaws at you, consider what changes you'd like -in your mindset or to make in the organizational/interpersonal structure---also that gives you room to be multidimensional. Try other leadership styles. Observe the culture. I'd suggest what you're dealing with has to do with patriarchal/hierarchal organizational structures. If you're in an influential position, gather allies and make change (either where you work or start your own company)--because it's possible that your company likes you fulfilling that role and doesn't want any change.

    Good luck!

27. AnonymousJuly 26,2024 at 4:52PM UTC

    in My experience it’s always this way very hard to balance , I ages been told I’m not aggressive enough, then too much I had no idea when I started working how sensitive men are and equally some women it’s no win , just do it the way you think is best , I am direct I do t like playing around with politics etc I do t understand why people take such offense to a direct question no matter how you say it.

28. Gillian Lester-George de MontesinosJuly 27,2024 at 1:18PM UTC

    When receiving sexist coaching, I like to calmly and coolly look said person in the eye and ask, "Have you ever given this feedback to a man?"

    I have never had anyone say yes. My question is usually responded to with a lot of stammering and it ends the conversation and coaching on the spot.

29. AnonymousJuly 27,2024 at 1:47PM UTC

    Well maybe you need to pick and choose which skills to use when. To a girl with a hammer - everything is a nail.

30. AnonymousJuly 29,2024 at 3:31PM UTC

    You have plenty of responses here speaking to how often this happens to women. I do think, though, that sometimes we can have these characteristics without it being sexist. It's hard to ask this without sounding gaslighty, but is it possible that this is valuable feedback? Some people appreciate direct, assertive communication, and some people are going to find it aggressive no matter who it comes from. Is it possible this is a reflection on the company culture, or on your interactions with specific people, and how you fit into it? I've gotten this feedback before and had a similar reaction, but I was fortunate to have a really transparent relationship with the person delivering it and there were some real pieces of feedback about the way I communicate (especially over text) and how some people perceive it. I don't want you to read this like I'm negating the possibility that this is straight up sexist, but I don't know you or where you work, and it's possible there's some actual truth in there like there was for me. Worth considering!

31. Tami L CannizzaroAugust 1,2024 at 4:14PM UTC

    I feel this so much! For me, it's depended on both the company and people within the company. My first job out of grad school, it was expected - and I had to learn - to be direct, set expectations, be a shrewd negotiator, etc. I tried to do this with pleasant, business-like tones. Vendor associates told me they enjoyed working with me as they knew I would not lead them on yet I was pleasant to deal with and wouldn't ghost them. Move forward a couple companies and I felt like I had entered a parallel universe, where suddenly we had to speak "indirectly", lest we hurt someone's feelings or come across a bit too harsh. If I was leading a meeting and asked, "The due date for the project is X, can you have the data to me the week before to include in the PP?" - it was like I'd slapped someone. The "correct" way was something like, "Let's circle back before X to see where we stand" - which doesn't set clear expectations for anyone.

    YET at the next company, more direct communication was once again appreciated, although it depended very much on who I was dealing with. The men were happy with it and we got along fine; the women - not so much, which was disappointing. Now I find it interesting that my clients praise me for being direct and honest - it's why they recommend me to others. I believe people want to understand the assignment/know what's expected - and will work accordingly - as long as they know what those expectations are. All delivered in a professional manner; not necessary to be unkind.

32. AnonymousAugust 26,2024 at 10:30PM UTC

    I receive the same advice. My directness and efficiency are not always appreciated. I have determined, based on my own experiences, that the culture of the company plays a part in that, along with peoples preferred work style.

    At my current employer, the work environment is very social-oriented. The result is a clash between my preference to focus first on getting the work done, then socializing. The culture is “family-oriented”, a term I dread. Everyone is expected to socialize first, then work later. I am not opposed to socializing with my leader and peers; however, I am extremely task-oriented, and not inclined to delay getting tasks completed.

    At my previous employers, my work style was valued and complimented; not so much at my present company. I don’t want to suppress my personality for 40+ hours a week, so plan on finding a culture that is a better match for my work tendencies.

    i don’t think either culture (social vs tasks) is better than the other, I just have a personal preference that is best for me.

    I perceive that you have the support of your direct leader. That type of leadership support is vital within an organization.

    I have a reaction method that helps me within the company culture I find myself in. I frequently ask, “How do you feel about my…..?” Fill in the blank. “It is a method I use to exhibit true camaraderie and respect, and it softens my direct level of communication.

    Congratulations on your promotion! You have a great mindset, and obviously care about how your leader and peers perceive you. I wish you ongoing success in your career.

33. Stacy SchumannSeptember 13,2024 at 12:04PM UTC

    I’ve had the same criticism more times than I can count. Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s any way around it happening the way it does. I’ve experienced it because of jealousy, envy, and people just being plain mean! Don’t ever let someone take your happiness!! You’ve earned all of the success so just consider the source and remember that you’ll never be able to please everyone. People who value your work and who you are as a person will never be the ones who try to criticize your achievements. I hope this helps!!