I have just recently been fired after being harassed by the three women in my office in a passive aggressive style bullying that began as soon as I started almost 3 months ago.

22 Comments

1. AnonymousOctober 15,2022 at 12:01AM UTC

   This is all normal but still throws you off balance.

   I would journal and let time do it's healing work. I like to spend time watching blogs and videos and tedTalks that focus on confidence building and finding insight and letting old wounds go.

   If the trauma keeps you from moving forward after a month or two then I would opt for therapy. Just something short term that can provide the insight and tools to get you back on track.

2. AnonymousOctober 15,2022 at 1:23AM UTC

   I had this happen to me.
   Please know that you are not alone. This is more widespread than you might think.

   1)Leave this job off your resume. If anyone asks you about why you left your former company, a possible answer might be:
   -I was recruited elsewhere, but the job fell through shortly after I arrived due to an unexpected restructuring. (Which, in fact, is true — you were restructured out.)

   2)You might need to take some time to process this traumatic event— to be targeted as you describe is traumatic.
   The two best books I’ve found on this subject are Mobbed! by Janice Harper and Emotional Recovery from Workplace Mobbing by Richard Schwindt. Both will help you recognize that others have experienced the same situation and that the problem is the harassers and possibly the company culture, *not* you.
   Google “workplace mobbing bullying” for more background. The Workplace Bullying Institute, https://www.workplacebullying.org provides some useful general resources, some of which I mention below.

   3)If you decide to seek therapy or coaching to help you put this episode behind you, here are a couple of places to start:
   A)The coach at this link is affiliated with the Workplace Bullying Institute: https://www.eden-therapy.com. The site also has a resource list that might prove helpful.
   B)Beth Plachetka is a second therapist mentioned by the Workplace Bullying Institute for short-term coaching: https://www.safeharboril.com.
   C)The Workplace Bullying Institute https://www.workplacebullying.org has some good tips on its site on finding a therapist in your area, should you need one.

   4)You have a couple of things going for you:
   A)Your time with your harassers was brief, which might reduce any physical or mental anxiety.
   B)You are no longer with the problem company. Richard Schwindt, for example, advises targets of harassment to leave the problematic workplace as the first step to moving on.

   5)Coping strategies:
   A)Take meticulous care of yourself. Being harassed can produce physical anxiety symptoms, which might mimic illness (digestive disorders, headaches, back problems and many more.) Have a check-up with your doctor if you are experiencing any new physical complaints.
   B)You may not need any therapy/counseling, or you might do fine with talk therapy alone. But you also might benefit from anti-anxiety meds, at least for a time. Consider meds if your anxiety is overwhelming and if you don’t improve sufficiently with talk therapy.
   C)Exercise is tremendously beneficial in building your confidence and your strength. If you are not particularly athletic, know that you can build up very, very gradually and that your strength, stamina and dexterity will improve with repetition. Anything that keeps you moving, fits your stamina level and is enjoyable is perfect. I guarantee that you will start seeing progress in 2-3 months if you exercise 3 or more times per week for ~75 minutes per session. And if 75 minutes per session is daunting, start with 10 minute sessions (or 15, 20 or 30– whatever you choose) and work up from there. The important thing is to get started.
   D)Getting periodic massages or doing stretching or yoga routines reduces physical and mental stress.
   E)Participate in activities that will build your confidence and connect with people whom you enjoy. Do volunteer work, take a class, pursue a hobby, spend time relaxing with trusted friends and family. The point is to undertake an activity that holds your interest and allows you to be with congenial people. This will give you back your sense of identity and mastery and help you to trust others again.
   F)One thing to avoid: ruminating alone at length about what happened to you. Take your memories, doubts and anxiety to a coach, therapist or a friend who can help you put things in perspective. Don’t struggle alone.
   G)Your spouse, significant other, or immediate family members might have been too close to your work situation or too upset on your behalf to help you process your feelings. If this is the case, keep any harassment-related discussions with them short (set an agreed-to time limit— a 20 minute limit worked for me and my spouse) and focus on enjoying the rest of your time with them. You need to rejuvenate.
   H)Finding another job: pay special attention to workplace culture.
   -Ask managers why the position you are interviewing for is vacant/becoming vacant. If the reason is negative (vacancy caused by a firing, a downsizing, the prior employee quit), it might be a red flag.
   -Ask about the best employee the manager ever had and what that person is doing now. Is that employee similar or dissimilar to you and is the story positive?
   -Ask to be shown around the office and to interview with peers. If that’s not possible, it is a red flag.
   -If there is a receptionist or administrative assistant, does that person look/sound happy? If not: red flag.
   -If you can get a candid inside view of the manager and/or the company via the grapevine or social media (see if you can speak with former employees), that information is extremely valuable.
   -Trust your gut. If you feel happy, relaxed, excited and/or comfortable with the new manager and company, that’s a great sign. If you are getting negative or anxious vibes, it’s probably a sign to move on.
   I)If it’s possible to take some time off before throwing yourself back in the job market, that might be beneficial. Understood, though, that you might not have this luxury. Either way, do as much as you can to build back your confidence and sense of equanimity now; this will serve you well in the long run.
   J)It’s tricky to assess workplace culture on the basis of interviews, but a combination of the suggestions above should help.

3. Nibor EroomOctober 15,2022 at 4:29PM UTC

   I wish I had read this reply 3 years ago when I was in the middle of being gaslighted by a jealous boss/coworker. She is now struggling with health issues and I still feel sympathy for her! I got out of the situation, but the horror of it all continues to rear it’s head on occasion.

4. AnonymousOctober 15,2022 at 2:22AM UTC

   Sorry to hear you had to go through that type of situation. Take this as a learning experience and know that this will make you stronger. Good luck in your future endeavors.

5. AnonymousOctober 15,2022 at 3:49AM UTC

   I was let go after my last job and was there 9 months. Same situation. Been at current job I love almost 3 years.

6. Tanika (Nika) Vasquez - (she/her)October 15,2022 at 10:44AM UTC

   The first step is to come to terms with what happened and realize that you were removed from a toxic environment. You will move on to a better position! Take this time to determine your next step, spruce up your resume, and add skills to your toolbox. Best of luck to you!

7. Ally MorganOctober 15,2022 at 12:42PM UTC

   I've experienced similar before. I have no advice, but 7 months into my new non-toxic job I can safely that I feel better. I still cringe when I think of the old people, but the day to day feelings of PTSD symptoms and diminished confidence have healed. I'm sorry. It will get better though.

8. Jackie GhedineOctober 16,2022 at 12:24PM UTC

   The statistics around bullying in the workplace are astonishing and even higher for woman-to-woman bullying and it is infuriating how insecurities play such a tremendous role in behaviors.

   The way these women treated you is a reflection of them, NOT YOU. This is the first thing you must remember. The more capable you are, the more other people can be threatened and in order to heal, separating yourself from the incident and the criticism willl be critical.

   Oftentimes the employee (you) is left scarred and unfortunately can bring those scars into our next experience making it even easier to become a victim again (research shows this). Doing the work now to rebuild your confidence will allow you to show up as the capable professional you are in your next position.

   When I work with clients in situations just like this, we do a lot of work to rebuild their identity and self-worth outside of the organization. You are not the job you did or a reflection of those women. Sometimes it does all get jumbled.

   1. Spend time outlining all of your accomplishments.
   2. If you find a minimizing thought coming into your mind ask yourself, "Is this a fact?"
   3. Decide how much power you want to give these women you've left behind and recognize they don't deserve it
   4. Be your own kid. If someone was bullying your child this way, what would you say to them. Step into that energy and support your inner child. It's a powerful way to separate the situation from the emotions.
   5. I do offer free 30-minute coaching sessions and would be happy to support you. Just email me at jackie@moderngenxwoman.com
9. AnonymousOctober 16,2022 at 1:10PM UTC

   Wow, this is the greatest post I have ever read here. Thank you.

10. AnonymousOctober 16,2022 at 12:43PM UTC

    First off, it sucks that you were fired, but at least it was only 3 months. You can leave this job off your resume and start to move forward. Take this as a learning experience. Not every job will be a fit.

11. Mary Ann DonaghyOctober 16,2022 at 12:55PM UTC

    I experienced something very similar. I felt like I had PTSD for a very long time. Looking forward to seeing the comments.

12. Shelby COctober 16,2022 at 2:55PM UTC

    I've been there as well. I'm so sorry that you encountered it. They'd make up terrible stories and petty complaints about me. They even claimed I came to work in my pajamas once.

    When I left it was the best possible thing. I loved my job, but I didn't realize how the toxic environment was effecting me. I've been bullied quite a bit, so I just let it go and moved on.

    I don't have any real advice on how to move past the trauma. Although, it did teach me the importance of getting ahead of perception. Whenever they'd complain about something, they'd run to my boss (the CIO). I began telling him before they did and he shut them down. He told me he couldn't support me if he didn't have the facts. I started tattling like a school girl, but it brought the real issue to light. Unfortunately, they didn't have any consequences, so I left.

13. AnonymousOctober 16,2022 at 3:31PM UTC

    Therapy.

14. LenaOctober 16,2022 at 5:09PM UTC

    I experienced workplace bullying and mobbing at a agency that I worked at for several years. I quit because I couldn't take it anymore. I wish I had left sooner. Looking back I can see it was at toxic workplace from the beginning. I put up with way too much from the start. I found a new job that I've had for 3 years and I love it. I work with people who respect me and appreciate me. People behave professionally. What I went through at the old place still affects me. Now I know that protecting myself means walking away.

    My advice is to pay attention to work place culture while interviewing. Walk into any new job with expectations that you will be treated well.

15. AnonymousOctober 16,2022 at 6:37PM UTC

    I also had an experience similar to this but my manager was involved.
    This manager would fly into town to attack me in person based on here say of less qualified and incompetent team members. When their accusations proved untrue this manager would simply move forward as if nothing happened, no apology or anything. I finally had enough when I was blamed for not “catching” my team members employee fudging reports, although I had shared earlier with my manager that this application on my PC was not working and I needed to come to the office to have my PC repaired.

    Just to get through this episode I apologized and stated it would not happen again as my focus was off this week as my Mother had just been moved to Hospice and wasn’t expected to last past the month. She told me that I needed to show compassion for another coworker because she had 5 brothers with some form of cancer and she could not monitor her resources and that I needed to do so.

    That was the last straw for me and I found another job within a month. When she learned I was interviewing for another position she became very aggressive and just plain nasty! I now know this was micro aggressions.

    So, how I moved past this…peace of mind. Don’t stay where you’re not treated well. Know that you deserve better and you took the first step by leaving. Know that if you are ever in this situation again you will recognize the signs and overcome it by putting yourself first. Recognize that you are a survivor and you handled the situation well. You’ve moved on successfully and know your worth! Practice self care and if something does not serve you, kindly remove yourself!

16. AnonymousOctober 16,2022 at 9:31PM UTC

    So sorry to hear what you have been through this.
    The healing starts when you leave the toxic workplace so even though you may have been fired it was good that you got out of there.
    Like others have mentioned here you can leave this off your resume or say something like it was not the right fit. I left a workplace with bullying boss the best way I found to deal with is was via a counsellor. They help you with coping mechanisms and also how to set healthy boundaries between work and life which will help you when in your new job. It helps just talk through the experience. Just remember that you are not in the wrong and make a list of all your successes and accomplishments to help you with preparing for your next step. Wishing you all the luck and thank you for sharing this.

17. AnonymousOctober 16,2022 at 9:56PM UTC

    Yes there is leadership and then there are the real shot callers. Unwritten folks that make decisions.

    Get some therapy to help you overcome the trauma.

18. AnonymousOctober 17,2022 at 12:49PM UTC

    It’s a blessing in disguise.

    I have been there. It’s challenging and difficult to get through. Knowing you aren’t alone is often part of the healing ❤️‍? process.

    Theraphy is key in helping you become stronger.

    Keep in mind that the EAP program (Employee Assistance Program) is a possible resource for you to get assistance for free. Although you may not have that service from the company you recently departed. You may be able to use it at your next job.

19. Sharon HarrigerOctober 17,2022 at 3:29PM UTC

    You got delivered from a bad situation no matter the circumstances. Just know that you are worthy of the best opportunity that will come in due time. Stay positive about what you have accomplished and what your skill set qualifies you to become in your next job. You got this!

20. AnonymousOctober 21,2022 at 2:01PM UTC

    Good luck! It is everywhere! No one wants to change in certain organizations, especially if you are in a smaller community.

21. AnonymousOctober 21,2022 at 2:10PM UTC

    The department I am working in has a. terrible morale from stringent rules. Overall the organization is good for benefits but I’m not sure if it’s worth sacrificing the quality of my life.

22. AnonymousOctober 21,2022 at 2:42PM UTC

    I spent 8 years in the same kind of toxic environment. The 'mean girls' decided I was the person to focus their hatred on. I spent a lot of time in tears, had excruciating headaches, and dreaded going to work most days. I stayed because I loved my co-workers and loved my job. Fortunately my co-workers saw all the tings that happened and knew I was being targeted. Even the three different HR directors during that time saw how I was treated, but their hands were tied because it was the Executive Director and her best friend that were the perpetrators. It helped that everyone around me saw how I was treated.

    Once I was able to leave for a better position, I was strengthened by the fact that I wasn't treated that way anywhere else and realized it was them and not me.

    When interviewing, I was cautious to evaluate the new culture and not just jump into a job that sounded good - I wanted to make sure I didn't end up in the same situation.

    It took some therapy and a lot of positive self affirmations to move past that trauma. I still live in the same small town and dread the thought of running into these women at the grocery store, etc. But knowing I have come out better in the long run by not letting them win and having a better position now where I am treated with respect and trust, has given me a lot of self-confidence that I didn't think I would ever regain - you can get there too! Look forward and not back. Always move towards something positive and not just away from something negative. Best wishes!