I have a boss who is visibly upset I spend time working remotely as a caretaker - I'm allowed several days a week at home.

51 Comments

1. AnonymousMarch 24,2023 at 4:33PM UTC

   First thing to do is to remove your personal calendar items from your work calendar. You can create a personal calendar that only you have visibility to.

   There are some people who like to snoop for no reason, just don't react to it, they will move on.

2. AnonymousMarch 24,2023 at 6:19PM UTC

   You should expect that your work calendar (and anything else work-related, such as email or documents on your work computer) is potentially viewable by your employer. If you need to block off time for personal appointments to avoid meeting conflicts and such, use a generic tag , and keep the details for your own, separate, personal calendar.

3. AnonymousMarch 24,2023 at 6:34PM UTC

   Unfortunately I don't think there is anything you can do. I don't know if he needs your permission to access your work calendar.

   I know that NY, DE, and CT have laws stating that "all telephone conversations, email communications, and internet use may be subject to monitoring at any and all times and by any lawful means". Look into that a little further before doing anything about it. If he went into your purse to get your cellphone to access this information you may have a case to bring to HR but if it wasn't that then he likely hasn't broken any rules. Best step would be to have separate accounts for work and business so that the personal info stays personal. And don't access it while working because then it is subject to their monitoring.

   Also, look at it this way- if he had to work that hard to find info to "prove" something then you probably don't have anything to worry about cuz that means he couldn't find evidence anywhere else! Keep being the awesome employee that you are!

4. AnonymousMarch 24,2023 at 7:00PM UTC

   I would accept you have a target on your back with this manager.
   So I would document your work and WFH situation with both managers on the same update.

   Also document your weekly accomplishments and your list of priorities for the next week and ask both of them (on the same email)if they have any changes to your priorities or any new tasks to add. This way there is a clear proactive communication from you to both your managers in writing

   Do not wait to communicate reactively, you must control the narrative here. if you don't, you risk becoming another horror story on this site where you are railroaded out the door in disbelief while thinking your tenure and FMLA were your protection. Don't do that to yourself.

   These status updates will really help in setting the stage for your work ethic and great performance and show of responsibility. I used to work for a labor attorney and these are the types of paoer trails we used to look for.

   Also document any events you are aware of tgat points to this manager's agenda (like comments, his checking your calendar, etc. ) Keep those notes in a personal journal at home.

5. Lomaxruiter@yahoo.comMarch 26,2023 at 12:59PM UTC

   Was he looking at your calendar in order to determine availability to schedule a meeting? You might want to mark personal meetings private, so the details are not shared with others.

6. Mary PoolMarch 26,2023 at 1:25PM UTC

   I am confused about why you would think he would not have access. If this is your work calendar, he has every right to look at it. If it is your personal calendar, it should not be on your work computer unless you wish people to view it. Check to ensure the remote access paperwork you signed does not allow them to monitor all of your activities, work-related or not, even if it is your personal computer.

   Also, what damage was done? Surely he knows you have appointments and commitments to be met as a caregiver. If you block him from your work calendar, he has a right to ask why, and you must justify it.

7. AnonymousMarch 27,2023 at 12:53PM UTC

   Mary, I think it’s really great that you have both a work as well as a personal computer at home. Are you suggesting that this particular person who probably is experiencing a lot of extra expenditures as a caregiver go out and buy a separate computer for $1000? Maybe you are suggesting she goes to this poor boss and asks the company to provide a separate work computer? Perhaps you think she should go to the local stationary store and buy a cat yoga wall Calendar and put all her personal stuff on that by hand? This boss, likely a spoiled man with a wife taking care of all his little needs, is gunning for her if she couldn’t identify a legitimate reason this guy was checking her calendar. I know that there are different types of calendars one can put on their computer so perhaps she can figure out a home calendar that this jerk can’t access while she informs his boss of her concerns and documents them in writing.

8. AnonymousMarch 27,2023 at 2:21PM UTC

   ok come on now, simmer down a bit. In all cases, when I have teleworked or remote worked, the business provides the machine for business stuff. In this day and age, it would be quite rare that a person, who doesn't need to use the library for pc-ing, doesn't have their own machine as well, so most of your thoughts on finance and expenditure was a bit of an overreach.

   It could be that the boss has never had to care take and yes, that can introduce a hole in his thinking and empathy.

   1. Is OP at least meeting metrics? This is data to bring to the table.

   2. Is boss of OP applying pressure regarding office attendance?

   3. Could boss of OP be bringing bias into the conversation?

   Maybe schedule a meeting with OP, an HR rep, and boss to make sure there are no misunderstandings, erroneous assumptions, or concerns (both founded and unfounded) that have not been aired. Find out whatvwill make them feel more secure, because the boss could have a personality that needs to feel an amout of control

9. AnonymousMarch 26,2023 at 2:37PM UTC

   Don't put personal stuff on a work calendar. Most of them are visible to everyone by default - you have to tell the software you want it private. And your boss will probably object, because it looks like you're hiding something.

   Plus it's just plain unprofessional. I don't need to know when my boss is getting a colonoscopy or dosing their dog with heartworm meds.

10. AnonymousMarch 27,2023 at 12:16PM UTC

    Being aware of & using privacy controls is wise. Although do you really think using them makes a boss feel you're hiding something? I can't agree there, but if so not a great sign either. Just reminded I had a boss who shared TMI including his colonoscopy, and that made me uncomfortable.

11. Shanna WilliamsMarch 26,2023 at 4:15PM UTC

    I have access to all my teams calendars. View only and they can see mine. If I have something personal on my calendar. I mark it private and then they just see the time blocked. I also will occasionally look at someone’s calendar before I plan meetings, etc.

12. AnonymousMarch 26,2023 at 4:58PM UTC

    Sadly, this cannot be undone...Don't mingle your Personal & Work Lives...And keep a paper trail of your WFH approval

13. AnonymousMarch 27,2023 at 12:20PM UTC

    I'm a caretaker now and one of the things that I've had to do is be honest with myself about no longer being able to produce rock star quality work at my job during this time. I had a track record of going above and beyond but at this time I can only do so much and I realize that. Another thing that I realize is that if I keep my boss in the loop as much as possible it makes my work life easier and eases a bit of some of the regret I have about not having the time to be all in.

    With that being said, I don't put my private appointments on my calendar unless I'm going to be away from my desk for an extended period and when I do put them on there they are marked as private. At my org, we share calendar visibility. My boss has access to view my calendar and I can view theirs so for me it's not a big deal.

    Trying to balance the responsibility of work and being a caretaker is hard.

14. AnonymousMarch 27,2023 at 12:22PM UTC

    I put a lot of personal stuff on my calendar, but it is private. If, however, you do not trust your manager that is not a good feeling. Agree with others - track approval for working remotely and if you need to log off for appointments, time away make sure your manager knows or make sure you are reachable. If it continues you may unfortunately have to find a role where the manager is more understanding.

15. AnonymousMarch 27,2023 at 12:29PM UTC

    I honestly don't get everyone's objection to keep track of personal appointments. I get that the boss probably has access. I think just marking them as "appointment" rather than writing the details is perfectly fine. Anything that's not an appointment I would keep off of the calendar or maybe find a code word or abbreviation to use for certain things if you absolutely have to use that calendar. I would also keep a paper trail of everything.

16. AnonymousMarch 27,2023 at 12:34PM UTC

    If you use a company device or company calendar then your employer has every right to look at your entries and comment even if you are working remotely at any job suggest you use a paper calendar or calendar on your private phone for personal use

17. AnonymousMarch 27,2023 at 12:36PM UTC

    Your boss always has access to all your work applications and devices, so don't put anything personal on any of them - that includes your cell phone if you've installed any work applications on your cell phone as well.

18. AnonymousMarch 27,2023 at 12:40PM UTC

    I would go to any fan of yours who has power over him and share your concerns. I would walk into that meeting with a list of all you have accomplished and talk about that also. I would then write a follow up email to your fan with power over him and thank him and recap the conversation and the list of all you have done. Your boss will resent this, but he is already resenting you and this way he will have a warning with a paper trail that you notice what he’s doing, his attitude towards you and if he should take some action, you will be able to prove that he is harassing you because of your remote status, which has already been approved by the company. And the other bosses who might be getting an incorrect picture of your productivity from your boss will get to see that what the boss is saying can be disputed.

19. AnonymousMarch 27,2023 at 12:46PM UTC

    I’m sorry you’re going through both FMLA and an issue with your boss. Keep track of your personal appointments on your personal calendar. Anything on the company network or equipment can be accessed by the company at any time (you likely signed off on this in a policy at some point). Giving him the benefit of the doubt, would it be possible that he had your calendar pulled up to coordinate a team meeting? Many offices and teams have open calendars for ease of scheduling. If that’s not it, you could treat it as a learning experience and request a meeting to address the underlying issue with this person, with someone from your HR/people team present. Be professional in your approach and having a paper trail is always a good idea.

20. Michelle S.March 27,2023 at 12:47PM UTC

    Block off times for appointments that are FMLA approved in outlook w/o details and keep specifics in your Gmail.

21. AnonymousMarch 27,2023 at 1:51PM UTC

    When I see repeated, unexplained blocks of time with employees, that is a huge red flag. Our system even makes a note of those. If it were me, I would ask him instead of posting about it. It's the fastest way to get an answer, and it will let you know what you need to do next, be it forget about this or dust off the resumé.

22. AnonymousMarch 28,2023 at 12:28PM UTC

    I don't think she meant "unexplained" she can just block the time off as "FMLA Approved" and just not add anything else.

23. Sarah RJune 21,2023 at 12:32PM UTC

    One of my colleagues blocked his work that way for focus time.

    Adults adulting and all......

24. Kristine RyanMarch 27,2023 at 12:58PM UTC

    I'm curious about the consequences of his delving into your private calendar. Did you set the personal appointments to private? No one should have access to your calendar unless you grant it, or someone has, at the very least, told you they want it.

    What kind of conversations have you had with him, and with your other leader?

25. AnonymousMarch 27,2023 at 1:09PM UTC

    As long as you are getting your work done then I’m not sure what the issue is. If you are listing your personal calendar on your work outlook calendar then your boss has every right to view your calendar. You may want to separate those out. It’s possible your boss noticed that your work performance has gone downhill and that could be the main issue, but you are under FMLA and Federally protected for now. Keep in mind that FMLA lasts for 480 hours in a calendar year or sometimes rolling calendar year and that protection could be gone. I would also check other company policies in place and also state level laws. Not every employer will understand the stress of caregiving. Have a backup plan just in case.

26. Kristie WhiteMarch 27,2023 at 1:13PM UTC

    As your superior, he may have the right to access calendars m, email etc. because he is responsible for management of your work AND the software you are using is owned/licensed by your employer. So it is meant for use for your job. An employer may need access if an employee becomes ill, has an accident, quits unexpectedly, etc. So him getting access is not hard. However he is managing by time not by performance. Since time is si important, I would take your personal items off or note it with “FMLA Approved” on the time to remind him of the authorization. He resents it and thinks it decreases your performance, so you are going to have to communicate very specific goals, success metrics etc. or he may find a way to move you out by looking for poor performance or FMLA fraud.

27. AnonymousMarch 27,2023 at 4:37PM UTC

    The first thing everyone does at my employment is add everyone's calendars, we don't book meetings without checking availability first, so it's not that odd for me that her manager would have access to her calendar.

28. AnonymousMarch 27,2023 at 11:28PM UTC

    In my workplace we can see each other's availability without adding anyone; the details of each person's calendar don't need to be public, just busy/free covers it.

29. AnonymousMarch 28,2023 at 12:26PM UTC

    Ah yeah, I meant subscribe, you don't always see it, but you can access at any time.

    People are free to use the display setting as they please, so if I make an appointment at the doctor, I can set it to "private" or "public", however, for my personal stuff, what I did was subscribe to my personal calendar (which wouldn't show up in the company calendar) so I don't have to check back and forth between the two.

30. AnonymousMarch 27,2023 at 2:13PM UTC

    It's employees like you that are giving reasons for employers to have their employees work in the office.

    Regardless of how your boss got into your calendar, the fact is you are abusing your WFH privilege. I suspect the reason your boss looked at your calendar is that your work is not meeting expectations.

31. AnonymousMarch 27,2023 at 2:18PM UTC

    Did you stretch before you made this leap? What has she said that makes you think she’s abusing her wfh privileges?

32. Mary JohnsonMarch 27,2023 at 2:32PM UTC

    I can see why you posted this as anonymous. That's a pretty big stretch that a cat would be proud of. How have you turned all this into her being the one to blame and abusing her position?

    It's women like you that are giving reasons for men to say women overreact to things

33. AnonymousMarch 27,2023 at 4:27PM UTC

    How is she abusing her WFH privileges? She's protected by FMLA.... additionally, most salaried people are permitted to take an hour during the day for lunch (or appointments)---and who knows if/when she's requesting PTO for appointments?

    You are jumping to conclusions with your reply and missing the point of the original post/question. I also guarantee there are times you make personal calls or complete personal tasks during your work hours, whether it's to schedule a dinner reservation, check in on your child, or the likes. This is human and does not make you a bad employee or someone who's abusing WFH privileges.

34. AnonymousMarch 30,2023 at 6:00PM UTC

    (I wrote the original post) As for your accusation that I am abusing my WFH privileges, you are wrong and completely misunderstood. I'm sorry if my original post was confusing. I work every minute in the office and the two days I am allowed to work from home. I am not a paid caretaker but take care of my very sick husband full time along with my full time job. I use FMLA approval when I take him to appointments or when he's hospitalized. Even then my work gets done. My boss looked at my calendar without my knowledge and actually tried to hide it from me. He is the only boss who resents the time I care from my husband. These bosses are out there even if rare. He is looking to prove something that's not true and for that reason I do not trust him. I will take everyone's advice and use a different personal calendar and have a conversation with him.

35. SueJuly 21,2023 at 6:03AM UTC

    I just defended you with a reply. People need to realize that they may one day be in this position and not be so callous.

36. Chrissy Regan SmytheMarch 27,2023 at 2:18PM UTC

    If outlook is provided by your employer, you have no right to privacy whatsoever. He does not need your permission to look at your calendar or email. If i were you I’d set up a private calendar and email for your personal stuff, like gmail. I would also only use my personal electronic devices for managing my personal affairs. Please reread your own post to see why he has a “seeming lack of faith” in you.

37. AnonymousMarch 27,2023 at 4:18PM UTC

    While you technically have no privacy rights while working on company equipment and programs (your computer/email is owned by your company), I fully understand why your boss getting access to your calendar and viewing your individual meetings without your knowledge is a breach of trust. That would bother me too... even though I know it's within company policy and fully legal for them to do.

    I'm not sure what in the author's original post would give her boss reason to have a lack of faith in her....?

    Honestly, sometimes it's easier to enter personal appointment details into my work calendar for ease of reference. Entering and tracking appointments in my work calendar actually saves me time in the end and enables me to get back to work more quickly. So I understand why you do this. I'm sorry to hear the challenges you're going through with your boss, especially since it sounds like you've had a successful and long career with your company otherwise. It's an awful feeling to feel misunderstood and targeted by a new manager, particularly when you're already dealing with enough at home.

    Now that you know your boss can access your calendar, I would suggest being mindful of the details you enter there, such as personal information and also anything that could be used against you and your FMLA status, or misconstrued.

    Since it sounds like your boss is looking for ways to prove his lack of faith, asking for very specific performance targets/goals and agreeing upon how they will be measured may help you in the long run if he tries to build a case against you, since you can then evidence how you've met those targets.

    I would also try to keep your network open within the company, and if you have a trusted mentor or sponsor you might consider sharing your concerns with them about feeling misunderstood by your manager. They may have advice on how to repair this, or potentially down the road can stand up for you if things take a turn for the worst with your boss.

    Last suggestion is to schedule time with your boss almost as a mid-year performance touchpoint to request his feedback on your performance directly. This will give him an opportunity to share any potential concerns, which you can also (hopefully) simultaneously address one-on-one and put to bed. Good luck and sorry you're going through this.

38. Carol23March 27,2023 at 3:54PM UTC

    First of all, most of the people commenting are assuming that you are working a paid caretaker position. If this is, I totally agree with what everyone is saying. HOWEVER, if this is a caretaker position for a relative, you are just making your life harder by using the company calendar and listing your personal appointments on that as well. You may want to check out other calendars that you can keep specifically for your personal appointments.

39. AnonymousMarch 30,2023 at 5:49PM UTC

    Hi, I wrote the original post. I am not a paid caretaker. I am a caretaker for my husband who is critically ill. When I work at home it's because the company allows that 2 days a week. I use FMLA to take time for my husband's appointments and deal with his hospital stays. Even then I do my work. I spend every minute in the office and working remotely doing my job. Some people misunderstood. But I am taking everyone advice and using a separate option for my personal calendar. My boss is without my knowledge looking at my calendar because he wants to catch me not working, which he must think happens when people use FMLA. I'll have a conversation with him.

40. LDBMarch 27,2023 at 4:20PM UTC

    Outlook calendars provided by your employer are not private. Since everyone in my company uses outlook to book meetings (we are an all-remote workpalce) I add my private appointments as "busy" on the outlook calendar so that no one can book a meeting that conflicts with my dr. appointment or whatever. I keep a Google calendar for the private details.

41. AnonymousMarch 27,2023 at 4:25PM UTC

    If he is your manager by nature of that he can likely request access to your calendar. Strong suggestion personal items just do as a block and then use a separate calendar NOT on work property to track those perhaps on your phone. I would document with HR that you feel violated by this but also approach it as, is there some reason that he is viewing this or have permissions changed for his ability to view. You want to know this as he could perhaps be stacking the deck to terminate you by saying you are not doing enough work. You surely want to know that information before moving ahead. Do take it from a point of positivity vs accusatory as that could backfire on you. If it were me I would sit him down and ask him if there is a reason he was looking and if so offer to share what information he needs to know you are on the job and getting stuff done.

42. AnonymousMarch 27,2023 at 4:35PM UTC

    In my organization many people use the private/public settings differently, some include personal appointments with generic descriptions (doctor's appointment, or Family appointment). However, we don't keep track of time off for personal errands, doctor's appointments etc, and my boss has been super understanding whenever I have to take time off to care for my kid. That being said, I don't put things on there unless it requires me to be away from my desk for a while. I subscribed to my personal calendar, so they show up for me, but not for anyone else, this allows me to add as much information about the appointment, without risking being viewed by someone else.

43. Nuno AnjosMarch 27,2023 at 10:01PM UTC

    Expose your boss from hell has the prick he is to your HR and the other boss, let him feel left out and ostracised!

    Make him think you have not finished all the work he assings to you but always deliver and make, with luck, he will be humiliated by thinking he can make you look bad but all work is done !

44. Milissa JacobsJuly 20,2023 at 3:38PM UTC

    That is never a good idea in real life. Any future supervisor would believe that she would do the same to them and avoid hiring her to save the drama.

45. AnonymousMarch 27,2023 at 10:54PM UTC

    If you can, try and post for other position within your company. I would also go to HR and voice your concerns. Most importantly continue to show up and when you are there do your job. I'm sure you are a great employee! Continue to show that!

46. Cyndie OBrienMarch 28,2023 at 11:46AM UTC

    I would straight up ask him. "Did you need something, I noticed you looking at my calendar."

47. Cyndie OBrienMarch 28,2023 at 11:46AM UTC

    you are right- you're WAY off topic.

48. Rashida GovanMarch 28,2023 at 1:47PM UTC

    You actually didn't need to get that out.

49. Kia HarrisMarch 28,2023 at 3:51PM UTC

    Unfortunately as a manager we have access to your calendar and ten given permission without employee notice. I keep private and business separate by merging my work calendar to my cell phone to see both without cross contamination!

50. AnonymousMarch 29,2023 at 3:13PM UTC

    Management is legally allowed to monitor the work emails/chats and company devices , its always better to separate out work from personal . Also if what ever you are doing is allowed by the company policy and you are not directly violating any work obligation you can directly talk to the manager and sort it out.

51. Angie DeislerMarch 31,2023 at 3:43PM UTC

    If you’re your Outlook email is owned by your company, they can access it. I put personal stuff on my work calendar but I use “codes” and abbreviations that my boss wouldn’t understand.