I have been receiving emails from my equal colleague with a very managerial tone, it has become annoying.

14 Comments

1. Cassie SpencerApril 24,2024 at 4:55PM UTC

   It's not always comfortable to have a direct conversation with a colleague about this but I often find that is the best option. I was in a similar scenario once and through a quick conversation with my coworker I learned that she wasn't intending to be short or direct with me she was simply just moving fast to get through emails and aiming to showcase she has seen it by sending back quick messages like "thanks" and "got it" -- after I realized this was just her process it was way easier for both of us to communicate and collaborate via email.

   If possible, I'd try to have a conversation and to share how you are reading and perceiving the emails.

2. AnonymousApril 24,2024 at 6:41PM UTC

   A discussion on the equality of your positions is in order. Somewhere along the line someone has planted the seed I think.

3. AnonymousApril 24,2024 at 7:56PM UTC

   When did it begin? Is it male or female? If you choose to have a meeting to discuss, HR should be there. Then you have a legal document

4. AnonymousApril 25,2024 at 2:13PM UTC

   Can you share examples of what you mean by managerial tone?

5. AnonymousApril 26,2024 at 4:39PM UTC

   I had this happen to me recently with a male colleague that is equal to me. I resisted firing off an email and waited for the next time we met to discuss the email under the premise of reviewing the process (I.e., I do not need you to delegate or tell me what my responsibility is). Then, I followed up with that email to reiterate MY role’s contributions and HIS role’s contributions—as in stay in your lane.

   Now, he will sidebar me if he has any questions before stepping on my toes. For context, that was his third strike so I was confident this was becoming a pattern and need to nip it before it became a nasty habit. Good luck. Don’t feel uncomfortable because your colleague did not feel uncomfortable when they took that authoritative tone with you.

6. AnonymousApril 29,2024 at 12:50PM UTC

   This is really your manager's failure to assign work and manage their team effectively.
   Please place the blame where it is warranted. Your colleague may be leading a project. Please do not fault them when your manager should have set the tone for the office. Communication is key here. Your boss did not do their job!

7. AnonymousApril 29,2024 at 7:06PM UTC

   We are on different teams, and he is not leading anything. As mentioned previously, he has done this several times which signals to me that he has the audacity to delegate to his peer. Let’s call a spade, a spade. I’m the first person to be empathetic, which is why I allowed him 2 passes.

   Remember, it’s your responsibility to teach people how to treat you. Take care!

8. AnonymousApril 29,2024 at 2:07PM UTC

   Managerial tone or managerial content? If it's the former, what does the managerial tone sound like? Is it direct short words without pleasantries, or is it actually more of a managerial wording problem (ie this colleague is telling you what to do for them and when)?

   I've worked with several colleagues on the autism spectrum who speak and write very direct, and many times short and to the point that it feels blunt. Once I familiarized myself with neurodivergent communication styles, I realized this was just a more direct (and efficient) way to say exactly what you need without all the extra pleasantries. I then began to question why the neurotypical culture equates to-the-point communication with rudeness, especially when rudeness was not the intent, but rather, answering or asking the right questions when needed.

   This may not be your situation at all, and if this colleague is trying to manage you in some way, then you could have a conversation or email saying:

   "I'd like to ask that we keep our conversations to updates about our individual projects. I appreciate that I can ask for your support if I have a question in the future . Otherwise, my direct report is to XX . Thank you"

9. AnonymousApril 29,2024 at 8:17PM UTC

   This exactly!

10. AnonymousApril 29,2024 at 2:29PM UTC

    I was in a similar situation when I started my current position.

    I am experienced in my field but in order to learn fastly about the new workflows, I would ask a lot of questions. Logically, in the beginning I wasn't familiar with every procedure at the new workplace.

    I guess some of my colleagues would read my curiosity as insecurity and lack of experience. I would stay calm by their comments, observe and learn.

    As soon as I became familiar with the procedures at the workplace it became crystal clear that I can do the job. The most of them began to talk to me differently than in the beginning.

    Some of them who only knew me as the "new colleague" continued speaking with me in a menagerial tone. This does not bother me anymore.

    If you are equals (and equally experienced) then this colleague of yours just has the habit of bossing people around. Or this person is concerned if you are doing your job correctly. Or it is simply envious.

    If the emails are helpful thank for them, if not ignore them. If it continues to be annoying talk to HR. Because this behaviour can seriously ruin one's day at work.

    In any case stay calm and don't let them boss you around.

    If this person say: Do the task xy. I would answer: I just was going to do this task, but thanks for reminding me anyway.

11. AnonymousApril 29,2024 at 3:26PM UTC

    Don’t let anyone that’s not your boss boss you around period. This is an overstep and we need to stop normalizing bad behavior in any form. Ask that person directly if there has been a a reporting restructure where they will now be managing you? And if they ask why then you can tactfully address their bossy emails and that’s it’s confusing so you like to clarify and stop it if it’s not the case. Stop debating their bad behavior because if you overlook it now they will slowly become your unofficial manager and set a precedent for anyone barging into your space. Trust me, I’ve been there.

12. AnonymousApril 30,2024 at 2:59PM UTC

    I like a lot of this advice, but I would absolutely not ask if they will be managing you. They are already emboldened and want to manage you, and may misinterpret. I would also not say that it is confusing for the same reason. You cannot be passive or apologetic to people overstepping. I would definitely get an organizational chart and familiarize myself with it and let them know you are working directly with your manager on tasks and goals.

13. AnonymousMay 1,2024 at 1:53AM UTC

    "You cannot be passive or apologetic to people overstepping." This is so true.

    No matter who it is who is overstepping, it's a very bad idea to stay passive or even apologise for that. I once did that when my manager was overstepping. I was afraid to confront him because he has a fragile ego and would have a nervous meltdown every time someone would express anything that could sound like acriticism So when talking to him about my issues I would be like: "Sorry that your behaviour bothers me. There must be something wrong about me." Or "It’s lot going on at home right now." Or "I have had some health issues lately."

    That was a HUGE mistake. I was giving this person more reasons to fire me (something he intended in the first place by his bullying behaviour).

14. Jacqueline CutlerApril 29,2024 at 3:36PM UTC

    Definitely ask your supervisor if there has been a change as to whom you report. Then, if this colleague does not have any control over your work, I would tell the offending person that you have already addressed the issue with your supervisor.