Hi FGBs.

Anonymous

March 24,2022 at 12:46PM UTC

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Hi FGBs. I've been in my current position for six years. I've been promoted, and have received nothing but stellar reviews. I've worked for the last five on the same high-profile project, which has been extremely important to my employer.

One of my superiors on that project has a long history of being abusive to his subordinates; he would scream and cuss at me (and everyone else) on the phone and in meetings. I have been called an idiot to my face. In 2019, I had enough and gave HR a list of dates, times, and descriptions of every single abusive event at his hands. I forwarded them his emails with petty or insulting language.

Amazingly, I was taken seriously. This colleague was reprimanded, and cleaned up his behavior. "Please" and "thank you" entered his vocabulary. His old personality mostly doesn't exist, to his credit.

It's just that three years later, we are both still on this assignment. I have been walking on eggshells, remembering some of the times I was belittled and screamed at. Sometimes the old version of this guy comes out. I'm not coping well with this anymore. I've noticed a decline in my mental and physical health as a result of the stress.

I don't think the project will realistically end anytime soon. Starting about six months ago, I began to ask my direct supervisor for a reassignment. She will not allow it, because I'm seen as a "subject matter expert" on this assignment. I've tried explaining that I am on the verge of a mental break, and she is sympathetic but unwilling to take me off this long-term assignment. It's clear that my well-being is less important than the bottom line.

I think at this point my only option is to leave. My husband thinks I should speak with HR again, but I'm not so sure; they are there to protect my employer, not me. I'm not sure what I'm looking for; sympathy? Advice? Anecdotes? I used to love and take pride in my job, and I feel like I would again if I was relieved of this assignment. My colleagues are wonderful, and other projects have been fantastic. I don't want to leave, but I'm feeling like my hand is being forced.

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AnonymousMarch 24,2022 at 1:03PM UTC
Sorry for this situation and congrats on taking a stand! HR is there for the employer, and if you are the SME, what is the cost to the employer if you leave? Can you objectively take a step back and estimate that? If so, that's your bargaining chip and it might give you leverage to say, either he goes or I go. However, you do have to be willing to go if you put that on the line and they don't back you. Sometimes (unfortunately) it takes really laying it on the line to get your supervisor's attention and for her to know you're serious.
All that being said, my other thought is to consider therapy. Regardless of what else you do. This sounds like lingering trauma or perhaps even PTSD (I am not at all qualified to diagnose) and even if you get away from this person, you might still get triggered by someone similar in the future.
A therapist can also help you see that you do have choices and are not a victim of this circumstance.
Gretchen SkalkaMarch 24,2022 at 1:18PM UTC
Many years ago when I was still new in my career, we had a department supervisor who had well-documented anger issues (as in slamming a phone receiver down so hard it cracked, that sort of very public, obvious thing).
At one point, there was an opening in another group I thought would be amazing and so I applied for it.
He pulled me into an office, stood uncomfortably close in front of me and screamed at me, saying I couldn't leave the department because he had no one to replace me so there would be no move. Then he looked at me, almost challengingly to say something.
So I did ...
I straightened up and tried to make myself as big and tall as possible, raised my head so my eyes met his and I said very calmly but resolutely:
"Know this - you will never raise your voice to me again and you will never disrespect me again. Ever. Your lack of resource planning is not my problem. Find a replacement or don't. I don't care. I will be moving to partner production immediately."
And I left the room.
I have never forgotten what I said. Probably because it was the first time I'd summoned whatever the heck it was that made it possible for me to speak with clarity and authority when I really just wanted to poke him in the eyes!
...
Perhaps it's time for you to actively seek another project/assignment in the company and let it be known that it could be a contributing factor to an exit decision.
I also would strongly encourage you to address him personally and professionally.
Let him know that you're putting him on notice that you will no longer tolerate any backsliding on his behavior and that means you will no longer walk on eggshells around him.
...Rid yourself of the burden of carrying responsibility for his behavior...
Any time he exhibits anything that even smacks of unprofessional behavior address it right then. No matter what. Say his name and follow it with a stern but calmly stated 'no'.
Every. Single. Time.
Make sure he understands that you will not be intimidated and you will not look the other way when he goes back to his old ways.
Often, office bullies continue the behavior because people don't address it with them personally and consistently. There are no repercussions. No consequences.
You can change that. It will feel like a paper cut to him at first that you keep poking when you respond "Joe - no." (or whatever his name is). Over time, it may move from irritation to embarrassment for him. That's ok. Necessary change often has to be prodded.
You can do this. You really can.
AnonymousMarch 26,2022 at 12:48PM UTC
I love this advice. I'm in the process of healing myself after having endured a toxic work environment with a bully client who has my entire team walking on eggshells. Even though there were aspects of the project I loved, I eventually quit for another company that could offer me more growth (and different challenges). I had been given a sub par review because I stood up for myself in a meeting where I was being bullied. This was a client who fired half my team and many of my colleagues refused to be assigned to him.
Long story short, my boss was fired right before I left. I didn't even give an exit interview, enough higher ups had seen the dynamics and realized that I hadn't been set up for success or supported.
I do agree that it's time to go when you find yourself in a no win situation. Mental and physical health trumps everything else.
Chloe ShauckMarch 24,2022 at 1:31PM UTC
It is so unfortunate that people have to experience this kind of experience in the workplace. I have never had this happen to me, but just want to share to take care of yourself!
My previous job I would work long hours, odd hours because I loved what I was doing and felt that leadership would see my hard work and commitment and it would benefit my future with the company for salary/promotions.
It did not and I don't think my supervisor really understood the weight of what I did until I left.
Best of luck!!
Deb HornerMarch 24,2022 at 1:35PM UTC
Is there an end date to the project? Is it possible to train a replacement so you can get away from the toxic co-worker? If the answer to those questions is no, then start looking for a replacement source of income. If you are feeling emotionally shaky by working with this co-worker, based on amorphous things like body language, facial expressions, etc, then the situation is likely to get significantly worse before it improves (if it ever does). If you want to remain with the company, see your medical doctor and take a leave of absence to get healthy again. Make your decision from a place of health and strength, and not from fear or anxiety. Best wishes!
Lisa HughesMarch 24,2022 at 1:37PM UTC
HR is there to support the company, yes. But they are also a resource for you. They also protect employees. I would try speaking with them. Let them know that you are on the verge of looking for other employment because of this co-worker. Tell them you’ve asked for reassignment and have been turned down. Tell them all of it. If they say the same thing your supervisor has said, look for work elsewhere. But I bet they don’t. That is a hostile work environment and you have the right to speak up. And maybe if you promise to be available to your successor on a consultation basis, perhaps it’ll sweeten the deal for them.
Rebecca AliMarch 24,2022 at 1:52PM UTC
I agree 100% with this, Lisa. In some cases, internal HR is considered a "yes" person for management BUT things are changing and most HR people I know see the importance of addressing situations before they become legal issues. By protecting employees they are in fact protecting "the company". OP - definitely go to a trusted HR person and tell them what's happening. Work should not be damaging to your soul or health. Period.
AnonymousMarch 24,2022 at 1:45PM UTC
If it has no prescribed end in the future, it's not a project, it's live Operations. Just a thought in terms of how you frame this for yourself and whether or not the situation will improve on it's own. It sounds like it's just become the way they do things.
As far as this man is concerned, any chance you could have a direct conversation with him to say, "I'd like to address the elephant in the room. A while back you were asked to change your behavior, specifically the way you speak to others, and you did. I really appreciated that. It made it easier and much more comfortable to do my work. And to work with you. Lately, I've noticed that some of those old habits and language are seeping into your work again and it is making things very uncomfortable for me. I want you to know how your behavior is impacting me. Is it possible for you to take a step back and reset? I really like the work I do and I'd like to continue doing it, but I am concerned I won't be able to do that in the current environment."
Heather CutlerMarch 24,2022 at 2:53PM UTC
I totally agree that something needs to be said. This poster is much more generous that I would be in a similar situation! What would it look like if you said in response to one of these outbursts: "Come get me when you've calmed down so we can discuss next steps," or "This is the only warning I'm giving you, I'm walking away next time you raise your voice."
Not sure why you're hesitant to go to HR again. I'd sure be throwing things around like bullying and hostile work environment.
It appears that there are no consequences to this man's behavior and your supervisor isn't willing to call out this atrocious behavior, which is really weak and a sign of poor leadership.
If this were me, I'd start asserting myself in any way possible. Best of luck, I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
AnonymousMarch 24,2022 at 3:56PM UTC
The generosity is about that person actually HEARING them without their defense mechanisms and bad behavior coming back as a response. If they don't hear the message and change, then I'd definitely go to HR.
OP...I'd definitely think about therapy and finding another role if there is no improvement no matter what route you take.
AnonymousMarch 24,2022 at 1:46PM UTC
3 years later and you're still triggered? I doubt seriously, unless someone pretty heinous behavior is happening, that HR or management is going to take thus seriously or take any type of action unless you have the same overwhelming proof and notes and supporting statements by others.
If you are experiencing ptsd or anxiety related to events of 3 years ago you'll need to seek therapy. Does your company have an EAP ? If so you need to utilize it for crisis mental health support.
TeenieMarch 24,2022 at 3:04PM UTC
I agree with the lady, triggering happens. If you've had an amazing working relationship with someone, 3 years hence--- you will enthusiastically look forward to it even if its subconscious.
For an extended period of time, extreme abuse does cause flight or fight behavior. IF one has to seek counseling, I won't on this specific case... no need to subject yourself to trauma.
We've all been part of abusive, terrible situations. In my self example I realized even though it was for 5 months...3 yrs hence it took quite a lot to reset equation and boundaries. My case was work load abuse, last min responsibility, tricky areas, switching to another language in meetings.. hoping to push me out of a coveted project. It was clear as crystal to everyone & folks pitched in to correct deliverable assignments etc. Nowhere as extreme as this case
Kirsten BunchMarch 24,2022 at 1:48PM UTC
This sounds like a horrible situation for you. Does your employer offer mental health coaching or therapy through a third party provider? It sounds like talking through your options with a therapist or coach would help you figure out what you want to do.
Abusive behavior in the workplace - or anywhere else - is unacceptable. You don't deserve this.
Barb HansenMarch 24,2022 at 2:19PM UTC
No job is worth your mental health.
(yes, almost all of us need to work, and sometimes situations take turns for the worse or we have to take a less-than-desirable job to pay the bills, so sometimes we have to work somewhere that's not great or even abusive, even in the short-term before we can find a new job)
As I see it, you have two options;
1 Find another job but do it on your terms. View your job search as an opportunity to find an even better job. There are 10,000s of great places to work; you have 1,000s of excellent skills, perhaps it's time to shine somewhere else.
2 Find some tools to protect your mental health from your superior's current (and echoes of past) actions. If your company has an ESP (or your health insurance covers it, or you can afford to get a few therapy sessions), get some support to help you build some armor to protect yourself.
If the jerk has returned to sending abusive language in emails, I would build another package and send it to HR. Emails are great proof, but I wouldn't just rely on HR to solve this issue. I think it's time either leave or build that armor.
Barb HansenMarch 24,2022 at 2:29PM UTC
I wanted to add another comment on the time between the initials incidents and now ...
There is no time limit on how long trauma will stick to us.
There is no yardstick for how severe the trauma must be before it affects us.
If your body and mind is affected by trauma, then you are being affected by trauma, and trauma leaks out in strange ways.
My ex-husband was an angry, evil drunk. We have been divorced for more than ten years, and I still get triggered when I hear an "angry drunken outburst."
Those angry drunken outbursts, that are being filmed a lot on social media (to call out bad behavior) and the rantings of some politicians.
After more than ten years, I can't be exposed to ranting even in social media for 30 seconds.
Vesela KrastevaMarch 24,2022 at 3:03PM UTC
Sometimes managers don't want to lose good employees, because having an employee move to another role causes uncertainty - they would need to find/hire someone to take over your role, train that person, make sure the project does not suffer, etc.
If you don't want to leave it might be a good option to review the vacancies opened in your organization and decide what would fit you best. Then work on a transition plan yourself - think of who might be a good fit to take your place in the project and then what steps should you take to successfully hand over the project to another person, what support you can provide, and for how long in case you move to a new role internally. If you do your homework so your manager does not see a treat in your transition, then chances are she would support you. And then go speak again with your manager. If you get a rejection, ask your manager how she sees your development and if now it is not possible to make such a transition, ask her for a plan when it would be suitable. If she cannot work with you on a plan, then don't hesitate to go to her manager or HR and have the same conversation.
TeenieMarch 24,2022 at 3:11PM UTC
I like what some others have written, it doesn't have to be flight or fight.
Be strong and use some of the suggestions below, but also definitely document and tell HR that you asked for a change.But will try and work this, if it doesn't work for 1-2 months ( you call the timeline) then you will expect to change (& will mentor your replacement) .
Its tough, very tough, but if you can make it objective & find positives to look forward to.. try it weekat a time.
Definitely be stronger, put the person in place politely but firmly. And you will not be taken advantage of.
I have made the mistake of hinting instead of outright calling a spade a spade... suffered. No one can help us if we can't be strong for ourselves.
AnonymousMarch 24,2022 at 5:49PM UTC
I just want to say that everyone seems to throw around PTSD like it's a catch all diagnosis for being bullied at work. It is not. It is the result of experiencing a life-threatening event. Yes, toxic work environments are going to be traumatic. But, it's not the same thing. I'm sorry.
Kirsten BunchMarch 24,2022 at 6:15PM UTC
That's a really important point and thank you for sharing that with us.
AnonymousMarch 24,2022 at 6:18PM UTC
For instance, you can cope with this because you understand people take their anger out on others. However, it becomes much more difficult to cope when you can't understand the motivations of others... say someone you worked with was a predator for instance and you found out the hard way. That would have a lasting effect on the confidence in yourself to discern whether or not someone else might be one, especially if you fell for it. That would trigger you anytime you had a similar situation where there was a "psychological" game being played against you. That is PTSD.
AnonymousMarch 26,2022 at 12:32PM UTC
So the threat of losing your livelihood isn't an existential threat that causes PTSD. I beg to differ.
AnonymousMarch 27,2022 at 10:19AM UTC
This might help you understand: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967
Kirsten BunchMarch 24,2022 at 6:17PM UTC
This is such a rich conversation and I hope the support that you are getting here is helpful. Workplace trauma has been brought up a lot and so I thought I would share this post I wrote a while back. https://kirstenbunch.com/career-trauma/
AnonymousMarch 25,2022 at 6:49AM UTC
I'm surprised that no one close to you has advised therapy. This isn't something that goes away by itself. Since you've chosen to stay, you need tools to deal with the aftermath of what happened 3 years ago. Even if you change jobs at this point it's not only this guy who will trigger the trauma. It will be anyone who reminds you of how things used to be.
Unfortunately those psychological wounds are still very much still with you.
Vikas VermaMarch 26,2022 at 12:36PM UTC
Quite similar to my story. I am going through the same experience. This high handedness comes from the fact that they think they are the only HERO in the department. Mine even went far to say " There should be only one bad boy in the team and that's me". Very bossy isn't it?? We are not born one day to get harassed by some bosses. But rather we need to choose what we love the most in our life and make that passion our source of income.
Denise MusselwhiteMarch 26,2022 at 12:47PM UTC
Thank you for sharing your story here.
Sadly it’s not unique. Toxic work environments are just that toxic. If your employer is not willing to reassign you and you have been clear that your mental health is at stake, then consider tapping into your companies Employee Assistance Program, document your conversations and make a formal request to HR. If they value YOU as a person they will provide the necessary support to help you succeed. Boundaries are an integral part of putting yourself first. Sadly, women are not great at this, me included, but they make a world of difference. Establishing boundaries that honor your needs are essential. In this job market you have the opportunity to truly make change for you and for the betterment of the organization. Best of luck.
Amy Carissa OliverMarch 26,2022 at 1:32PM UTC
Someone else in the thread hit the nail on the head: leaving won’t solve the problem unless you also get help for yourself. You’ve mentioned this person has done a near 180 and you’re still walking on eggshells because they sometimes still lose their cool. You’ve experienced trauma and whether it’s this colleague or a different person at another organization, bad behavior will take a toll on you until you rebuild your mental and emotional health.
That said, having been abused and directly targeted, I can tell you that sometimes part of the healing process is leaving. You told your boss you’re about to have a mental breakdown and they said “too bad.” You won’t be much use as a subject matter expert if you’re broken. My bosses basically tried the “just hold out a few more months and she’ll be gone when the new Director starts!” I quit over a year ago and my abuser is still there and targeting new people. Why I’m telling you this is because even if this project ends what happens when a similar project comes along and you and this person get put back on a team together because you are SMEs?
While I quit first and got help later, circumstances allowed for it. But I recommend starting with getting help now and after a few weeks start exploring your options, whether that is to confront your bully, confront your boss, confront HR, or leave.
AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 1:26AM UTC
OP here -- you're so right. I appreciate the thoughtful comment; I started therapy in the last few months, and it's been eye-opening to see how much time I spend talking about work.
One of my boss's refrains about the project has been, "It'll end eventually!" which sounds an awful lot like what you were told.
AnonymousMarch 26,2022 at 1:48PM UTC
I have always tried to make sure I did not make myself indispensable. Unless it is too late on this front, I would try to mentor someone else close to the project on the pieces you could turn over if you were to move to a different department or project. It sounds like you like the company, and the company values you, so pushing a little harder for some extended time off for a mental health break might be in order. Bringing it to the attention of HR since they were helpful the first time is also a viable option.
GirlBossanova934974March 26,2022 at 1:52PM UTC
Frankly, it's time to get a bit practical here and see this for what it is. This is a job, not your life. You are an employee, not a business owner. I have been both for many years. There's a big difference. As I look at this employer, I see what? I see an employee who wants off this project OR there is a good chance, she's leaving. BUT I've some managers in this company who have chosen to stick their head in the sand. Oh, maybe things might get better? Oh boy. As an EMPLOYEE, it's time to abandon ship! Long experience tells me that a management team that doesn't bother to TRAIN another employee on critical projects, is looking for trouble. It's incredible what a change in scenery can do. In the upcoming interviewing process, be sure and ask questions on how this company works with issues like the current one. If you get a look that says to you, 'why would you even ask such a question', it's time to keep looking. Excellent employees are hard to find these days aka this is how business owners who actually have their own money at risk think......
AnonymousMarch 26,2022 at 2:07PM UTC
The company was conscientious to effectively resolve your original grievance in a timely manner. The perpetrator corrected his behavior.
You’re now dealing with the aftermath/ lingering emotional effects of how the situation has affected you. The problem is now only marginally a business issue ( you’re a valuable asset to your organization, for sure, and you’d be difficult to replace), and has now become primarily a personal problem for you to resolve; it makes no sense to continue subjecting yourself to circumstances that daily tear you up / make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells.
If the company has an EAP, make an appointment to see a counselor, and lay out everything for him/ her to see. If the company doesn’t provide an EAP, still go to a counselor.
Lastly, some folks are resistant to counseling. I know I was. Remember the adage, “Wherever you go, there you are.” Take care of yourself, and take responsibility for your personal mental health- it is far more important than a mere job.
AnonymousMarch 26,2022 at 2:23PM UTC
Work PTSD is a real thing and I believe it is what you are experiencing. Whether you leave the company or not, it will not go away without you working on yourself. Before you leave the company, I suggest you call EAP and look into therapy. I would also consider seeing a therapist and requesting a leave using FMLA to regroup and really focus on self repair before going back to work. I have a person on my team that has a great work ethic, works well with the team and has work PTSD from her previous employer. It is exhausting for the team and myself to deal with. When she receives any type of feedback she shuts down, she vents to the team and it impacts the team dynamic. It a lot of work for myself as the manager to deal with. Take care of yourself. It’s not just finding a new job
AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 1:22AM UTC
OP here -- thank you. This is such an important point. I've started therapy in the last few months, and I've shocked myself realizing how much I talk about work. I'm working on it! Jumping ship doesn't solve the hurt in my brain.
AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 2:43AM UTC
Oh but it does!!!
Doyin Abike SomoyeMarch 26,2022 at 4:37PM UTC
Its very important that one should take care of her mental health. Talk to HR once again about your mental state and hint that you may have to resign if the company cannot help you in dealing with your health.
Madam anon663March 26,2022 at 5:14PM UTC
Ok, but then that could be looked at as a threat.
AnonymousMarch 26,2022 at 5:29PM UTC
Get therapy to deal with the damage from work PTSD - that's a real thing and it sounds like what you're dealing with. That said, it is a "you" problem. No job will be right until you address the underlying issue it created for you and pack your toolbox with new tools for the next setting.
SME or not, this role sounds like it is no longer a good fit for you. Do some research to figure out your external options. If there are viable ones, begin to pursue them.
It will be easier to benefit from therapy that addresses the old workplace stuff while you are in a new setting, presumably still in the honeymoon phase.
You can let current HR or the supervisor know you are serioys about seeking reassignment internally too, but be prepared that since they've said no already, they might say goodbye to you sooner than you want and before you have something else lined up. If there's a chance of having to work with this abuser again or bumping into him, you still might have issues with the current setting. He is a trigger.
KathyMarch 26,2022 at 5:32PM UTC
People don't really change. They may modify their behavior but they will slowly slip back into previous behavioral modes.
It's obvious you have PTSD.
Time to get some help and consider looking for a new job. Companies are uncomfortable when people talk about their 'mental health'. It may work against you to talk to HR again.
Start job hunting.
Good luck!
Liz WanicMarch 26,2022 at 5:39PM UTC
It sounds like aside from working with this individual, you generally enjoy your job and company. I know that you feel like you might not be helped by HR, but given the fact that they responded to make some corrections after you submitted your initial concerns, there is a chance that they would be able to provide you with some options in this case - particularly as the same individual is involved. I would suggest that you consider this as an a option before throwing in the towel, because it sounds, based on your post, as though you don't really want to quit. I would also suggest that you come up with some preferred solutions before you speak with them. For example, transfer to another project or reassignment. They may be able to persuade your current supervisor or override her refusal. In the end, if they can't or won't help, then you can think about going elsewhere. But if you like where you are currently, it seems like you should try all avenues to fix the situation before making the choice to move elsewhere.
Diane WashingtonMarch 26,2022 at 6:10PM UTC
Me too. I know first hand what fear of a boss feels like, the stomach butterflies, the 3 am or 4 am wake ups because you can’t sleep, the avoidance of family and friends, giving up things you love. You work beyond measure, sacrifice your self and family only to be nit picked, nothing is ever enough or good enough from me but others can do the same and no issue. Different standards for different folks. Find another job your close colleagues and friends say. How can you possibly market yourself when your self esteem is at the bottom of the barrel. How does one go from being “an air traffic controller” or “Diane walks on water” to one that “needs to improve” or “you are not my style”. Just how do you recover when the mistreatment is so deliberate yet you know up until now - things in your life have been exemplar (school, church, civic duties, etc). I can see why victims don’t report their abusers. Like me, they are afraid. I need my job.
AnonymousMarch 27,2022 at 5:25AM UTC
We should talk. I experienced the same thing and I spoke up. I finally quit without another job but I could not stand it anymore.
AnonymousMarch 27,2022 at 3:02AM UTC
They think that you will not leave that’s why they are not considering your request for reassignment..
They think they know how much you like working there. Maybe you should look out and have a job , then resign and then negotiate if you still want to stay ....but then you have to weigh in that if they still refuse then you may have to take the other job.
AnonymousMarch 27,2022 at 11:01AM UTC
I recently left a toxic workplace primarily due to one person.
I had worked there for 2 years and had daily interactions with that person.
1) I should’ve been directly honest about why I was leaving the job. (I said because of the type of workplace and scheduling expectations.) so I’m glad you are being clear with your manager.
2) The toxicity has left scars that even though I left, I’m still trying to work through months later. I don’t consider this PTSD. I did not go through a trauma. I generally liked my job but unfortunately I worked with a man-child.
So here’s my response from one paragraph that struck me as most important:
“I have been walking on eggshells, remembering some of the times I was belittled and screamed at.”
Sounds like these scars run deep. I’m sorry. No one deserves that. You should focus on healing those scars. I understand that this feels easier to do by leaving the job/team but unfortunately the scars stay with you. You could end up meeting another toxic person in a new great workplace and have a terrible repeat. Try and let go of the scars, the hurt, probably through counseling but a long time off, meditation, exercise, etc are other options too. (I opted for the longest time off, unemployment lol)
“Sometimes the old version of this guy comes out.”
This may sound impossible but tell him to cool off! There’s no need to use vulgarities but you can calm and assertively tell him to act like an adult and that his attitude is uncalled for. I’d suggest he go take a walk the next time he acts out. If he acts even worse well then I’d walk out and make a note that that’s another moment to share with HR immediately. If he can’t correct himself permanently then the business will need to weigh their options. Terminate him, switch you to a new team, switch him to a new team, etc.
Honestly you telling him to stop acting up may also help your scars. They’re not only a sign of his treatment of you but they also show you not fighting back. Stand up for yourself and tell the one who is acting inappropriately to back off.
Your words have great power too, use them to counter the words he’s been overpowering you with. (But as a cool, collected adult ?)
Best wishes!
AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 1:18AM UTC
OP here -- thank you so much for your response. I did start therapy in the last few months. I didn't do it because of this situation originally...but it has shocked me to realize how much time I spend talking about work. I think you've hit the nail on the head that I need to heal. It echoes some of the discussion I'm already having! :)
Ramona d'ViolaMarch 27,2022 at 1:20PM UTC
You've got skills. HR doesn't care about you. The bully "cleaned up his act." He's still a bully. And, clearly your body is telling you something is wrong. Listen.
If you're a subject matter expert, find another place to apply that expertise. NOW.
Liz MilneMarch 27,2022 at 11:28PM UTC
You know you don't want to work with this man, despite his improved behaviour (which will work against you in the HR dept, sadly, they'll think that he's reformed and that you just won't allow yourself to move on) - but are you also fed up with the project?
If it is just him, can you ask your manager to move the man elsewhere, leaving you to oversee the project on which you are an expert?
Also try to work out how much longer the project will go on for - I'm no expert, but I tend to think of 'projects' being defined as short term pieces of work, three or six months, maybe a year? (I may be completely wrong with that, it's just something I've always believed!) I know if it was me, I would want to have an end- date or deadline that I could be working towards - if you're the same, you might just feel trapped by proximity to the man and no visible end point to the project?
AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 1:15AM UTC
OP here -- thank you so much for your response. To clarify, there is no concrete end date until, well, it ends. "Project" is a nebulous term I chose to keep the industry vague in this post. Indeed, it's the biggest, longest-tenured project in my department.
Unfortunately, my boss is beholden to this guy because he's very high-level; she wouldn't be able to remove him. I wish!
Liz MilneMarch 28,2022 at 3:50AM UTC
oh no! :( I think you'd have greater clarity if you could separate him from the work... :/
Does your boss realise just how bad you feel being forced to work with him?
(And fair enough about using 'project' for anonymity!)
Susan Grant-SuttieMarch 28,2022 at 12:07AM UTC
I agree with Liz, ask your superior if he can be replaced. Then you can carry on. If not - decide how long it would take for you to get back to the height of your career should you leave. If you decided to stay, and so does dingledorf, then when you end the day, no longer say that man's name - 'he who will not be spoken of' and reward yourself for another good day of work (your favourite music in the car, bring your fav coffee with you on the drive home, etc.) You are better than this.
AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 10:07AM UTC
Hello.
Just in case you have not addressed this, again, yet - you might want to send this McKinsey article to HR, upper management, any leader and anyone else who can help the situation. They may feel helpless, but the data is crystal clear. Bullies profoundly hurt productivity in so many ways, and you should not be suffering. https://www.mckinsey.com/featured-insights/leadership/memo-to-the-ceo-are-you-the-source-of-workplace-dysfunction?
AnonymousMarch 30,2022 at 6:01PM UTC
Have you spoken with the colleague directly to ask why he is reverting back to his old ways? Maybe letting him know how much you appreciated his growth and how well things went during that time period would be a good way to remind him that he is slipping back into his old ways. Perhaps he has not noticed. Perhaps he is under stress (at work or at home) and has not been at his best. Do you know anything about his personal life and what may have caused him to regress?
From what you wrote it seems that you are the only one forcing yourself out. It also seems like some of it is just old demons coming back,-you said you are walking on eggshells due to the memories- that's your brains fault, not your colleagues'. You said sometimes the old version of him comes out. Have you ever successfully dieted and then fell off track for a little while? Did it mean that you were never ever going to be interested in healthy habits again or did it mean that you needed a gentle reminder that you were off track? I suggest a conversation with the people that are causing the problem. First with him to see why he is being his "old self" when the "new self" was so much better. Then a conversation with yourself to see why you are so affected by someone else's actions and ask yourself what is worse, this guy "sometimes" being a jerk vs unemployment vs any other beast that you may encounter at a new job. How long have you been telling yourself that the only way you'll be happy is by being reassigned? Your brain won't make sense of any other option if you have been feeding on that for so long. If you leave this job because of this guy, how will that affect your mental health knowing you quit something you love based on someone else's inadequacies? I hope you figure it out because you deserve to be happy!
Oliver D SmithApril 3,2022 at 6:35AM UTC
Being something of an expert on this subject, I'll provide you with an option. First, find you a goof labor attorney. Share with them your notes and feelings. Request the attorney to contact your company asking if they they are aware of this situation. No threats! Just a simple yes or no. Your attorney will know how to proceed. If your company is reasonably large and have attorneys on staff, your "problem Boss" will likely disappear. Good luck. If this doesn't work, your current company is ignorant of current labor laws.