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Feeling betrayed at work

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Feeling betrayed at work

I have a friend/coworker I mentored and helped get her promoted. Everyone at work liked her which I thought was great My friend became part of an inner circle that I was a part of, which included my boss. I’m normally not fan of boss/employee friendships but my boss was insistent I be a part of it.

All of a sudden my boss was showering her with kudos and acted like she was a golden child, both in and out of work.

The group wanted to hang out all the time and I couldn’t do that as often because I have commitments at home.

To make a long story short out of nowhere everyone stopped texting in the group chat and I didn’t get invited to go out. I confidentially asked my friend if there was something I was missing. She said no but I found out she was lying. I felt like it was a huge betrayal by her and the rest of the group.

I have always been nothing but supportive and kind to everyone but it seems like a “Mean Girls” move where I get ghosted with no explanation. My boss has always been my biggest fan and supportive. Now it feels like I’m alone without the comfort of friendship at work and possibly my boss’s support.

My friend and I share an office and the dynamics are completely different and awkward. I know how catty the group can be and can only imagine what is being said behind the scenes. I normally wouldn’t care about what people say but this is my job and livelihood. I’m trying to be like I was before but it’s near impossible given the circumstances.

I’m looking for any suggestions to get through this. I love my job and this sucks.

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  1. Anonymous

    If I were you, I would write a thank you card to each and everyone of them focusing on the things that you love and appreciate about them.

  2. Anonymous

    Have you had a conversation with your boss - not directly about this whole 'mean girl' situation, but about how you may now be lacking your boss's support. Something along the lines, of wanting to check in with her, looking for feedback, what's on the horizon for me, how can I grow, etc.

  3. JB09718

    this! I would take the emotion out of it and just ask for a meeting to sync on your current work and any feedback your boss may have. Depending on how close you are (or were?) with your friend, you could always meet for coffee or grab dinner and you could try to fish around to see what happened.

  4. Anonymous

    First, this isn't high school. Second, I would have a meeting with your manager, and discuss, without emotional feeling, that the friendship text messages no longer include you and this feels like you are out of the loop socially. However, as this is work, and not a social hour, how might you strengthen your working relationship with her and how may she offer support to you. Honestly, I would leave and work elsewhere. This is childish to say the least and ridiculous to treat you like you are an outsider. That behavior should tell you pretty quickly these are not your friends. Separate your work from your home/friend life and brush up the resume. Stand on your own and don't worry about the support of the mean girls. They are not going to make it to your future for a reason.

  5. Anonymous

    If you are younger (under 25), haven't learned professional etiquette, then you would experience that FOMO.

    Try and create an amazing life outside of work. Develop friendships, interests and hobbies that fill you up and offer you connections and joy. This will help balance you lackluster connections at work. Develop an amazing life that fills you up.

  6. K-Diddy Schumann

    I’m not FOMO rather worried about not having the professional backing of my boss. I came back to this job because I knew she’d have my back. Now it feels like someone else has her support and could jeopardize my livelihood.

  7. Anonymous

    If you excel at your job and broaden your professional network, there is no reason to fear losing your job. Start by connecting with other professionals and building your network so you don't feel so vulnerable.

  8. maria rose

    If you are the OP of this post, and your main concern is your job standing and upward progression, versus having a social friendship ( which many commenters here on this feed have already pointed out should have nothing to do with your job). Since we don’t know the exact nature of your job, other than it sounds like you’re probably working in an office type job and it seems that some outside the office gatherings are occurring, perhaps as “wool gathering “ sessions which are also extended to just a social gathering. You stated that you can’t because of other circumstances attend these gatherings that are occurring outside of the work schedule. I am going to assume that your boss knows that already but you have assumed that you have been excluded from the gossiping trivia of the group and you are feeling as if you’re on the outside looking in to the gossip of this group. But here’s the question, has your job duties changed in terms of your expected performance? Is there a particular promotion you think that you are not being considered for? Again not knowing the nature of your job employment limits conjecture of the situation but from your presentation For your presentation, you might be missing the personal interaction more than concern about your job performance.

    But you should request ( as suggested by many comments here) have a sit down with your boss to just discuss your work performance so you can eliminate your stress about your standing at work. You could in this conversation, mention that you might be able to attend more of those gatherings if they occur more often during the times you are available . But no one here is asking you to change your lifestyle priorities to be part of a cliche which happens to be some of your work associates. Coworkers , especially bosses are not your BFFs

  9. Anonymous

    this is hurtful, but you must rise above it. You sound like a magnanimous woman and coworker, but you are planted in a sea of Kindergardners. Take the high road on this. there is no way to win their friendship- you can see this. You are a better person to rise above; this isn't you or how you behave. It hurts, but sometimes we begin to "see" how people really are....and then you know.

  10. Anonymous

    Sometimes these things happen, and it's as if you wouldn't have predicted it. Sometimes it's energy, dynamics, numbers, or influence. I'm sorry this happened to you - esp. the feeling/being left out part and the concern over the impact on your job. You had good intentions.

    Sometimes we learn, the hard way, who we can count on for what. Take some time to heal. All is not lost. On a positive side, you now see who they are -so, work with that. They behave this way (to you) when in that group. Treat them like coworkers- reserve conversations to work and small talk. (it may feel weird for a bit -and I really hope they won't be catty or gossipy to you- but rise above it . This should help with interactions in shared office).

    Do some re-casting. They are not your friends. They are colleagues who have social limitations (and may be playing a game that they sense you're not playing). They gave you a gift of space and time- Now you have time to figure out what's next for you (in your work or finding new friends in or outside of work).

    Regarding interactions with boss- keep showing up and doing work- reduce your need for her approval. But make things undeniable. Document everything. I hope your boss isn't petty or small minded only supporting ones who are friends with her or suck up to her, but observe that. You may have to do some acting to show positivity (in the face of personal adversity/ rejection that has the potential to impact your professional progression). Again, it may feel weird at first, but it can become a learned skill. (and if you feel your job is in jeopardy because you've been ousted from the circle, observe that and protect yourself or move on).

    Keep hope. Some folks may just be riding the wave of the group and may behave differently one on one or if dynamics change again (all it took in your situation was 1 person). In general, it's rare to have true friends from work. Social politics at play. If the environment becomes a place you don't want to be, you may switch the employment environment to find other types of people (and there are better people).

    Focus on what you want next. Treat it like a new job. And, if it becomes unbearable, look for another department or job.

    Perhaps the universe is giving you space to find something better for you (and to shore up your boundaries). Stay open to it.

  11. GirlBossanova934974

    I don't get it. Work is work. Your coworkers and boss seem to be treating the workplace as some sort of high school cheerleading academy. I would clear out of this place. In my experience, it is best to avoid these sorts of places. The dirty office politics never stops. Concentrate on your life outside of work. There's a whole great world out there free from these ANTICS.

  12. Anonymous

    RIGHT! And you would think that since these folks are "adults" that this kind of childish behavior wouldn't exist.

  13. Anonymous

    For whatever reason you are no longer part of the "in crowd" so just be kind abd do your job extremely well. It's great you love your job so keep your head down and don't focus so much on group dynamics. Make new friends.

  14. Anonymous

    Let it go, focus on work and your family and not on being one of the cool kids. I think just paying attention to those who need to gossip or talk about you behind your back have no place in your world. If this is doing harm to you at work it's one thing, if you are just dealing with FOMO the only way to conquer that is to be more available for the social stuff they are doing. If you can't let it go perhaps it's time to find a company where you don't have this type of internal chatter and politics to deal with.

  15. Anonymous

    Watch out for your “friend” . If she wanted to, she could invite you to those work gatherings too . She doesn’t appear to be a true friend does she ????

  16. Anonymous

    Play the game with those people . If invited again, go to some of the invites , just to make it seem you want to be around them . They probably think since you haven’t been going to social gatherings, you don’t like them . People can be simple minded.

  17. Anonymous

    Before you give up completely try sending a group email saying hi and how much you've missed the outings and being a part of the group. Although family obligaitons keep you from coming out with them all the time, you've missed their company and would love to be included from time to time

  18. Anonymous

    It's like reading an episode of 'The Office'. Why does anyone fall for the mindset of of 'inner circle'. You now are seeing what many others have probably felt, as 'mean girls'. Shame on all of you for creating on purpose and exclusive environment. Please recognize this as an opportunity.

  19. Wanda

    AMEN and AMEN!!

  20. Stacy Schumann

    It might be a good idea to plan an event and invite everyone that you miss hanging out with. Unfortunately, you’re never going to be able to please everyone and regardless of how you perform at work and how much you care about others, people will always talk and my opinion you don’t need People like that in your life. It’s a shame that you have to deal with this in the workplace, but maybe you can try telling them how much you miss them and plan an event. Maybe something fun all you can do together. Portray an image, as if nothing bothers you and kill them with kindness. In my experience, nothing hurts more when people are trying to hurt you and they see that it doesn’t even effect you!!

  21. Wanda

    Yes, all of us want to be respected and liked by those we work with. But at the end of the day, the question begs to be answered, are you at the workplace to make friends and be popular or are you there to do the best job possible for the employer that trusted you enough to hire you out of a pool of other candidates to carry forth their mission? Popularity has its benefits. But it all pales in comparison to consistently being a solid team contributor.

  22. Anonymous

    It is also whete we spend SO much of our days so it is like a 2nd home to many of us.

    Of course we want to do the best job possible AND keep good relationships.

  23. Wanda Shaw

    True. I agree. But when coming into any work environment, you're not thinking that your first priority is to find friends. IJS

  24. Anonymous

    Yes but these girls aren’t functioning as team members.

  25. Wanda Shaw

    I would say that if they're not functioning as team members, then the onus is on them. You can't control what other people say or do. You're only in control of how you'll react to what they're putting down.

  26. Anonymous

    Invite your friend out one on one after work and start with I feel our relationship has changed. What can I do to repair this. Starting with the I question often makes people less defensive

  27. Anonymous

    Grownups are not too different from children. Sorry to hear that.

  28. Wanda

    The truth.

  29. Anonymous

    This is a hard lesson to learn, but this is why you separate the personal from the professional. Lines are almost always likely to get blurred, and feelings are almost always hurt.

    Something similar happened to me at a previous employer, where I took the new hire under my wing and trained her, and we had a great working relationship, and it became friendly.

    Once the mean girls got to her, however, there was nothing that I could do or say that held any value in her eyes. Even worse, the manager was also a mean girl and had her favorites...and I was definitely NOT one of them.

    My advice to you is to perform your job to the best of your ability, and leave each day with your head held high, knowing that you did nothing but try to help this individual. If you fear retaliation at the hands of this group for your starting to distance yourself from them, document everything and have an electronic paper trail.

    I'm sorry this is happening to you, and I'm rooting for all the best for you that this gets resolved. It's not a good feeling to have, or a good place to be in.

  30. Wanda

    Well said!!!!!

  31. Anonymous

    How awful for you! Work is where we spend SO much time together that it's painful to feel like this. I did have a similar situation years back, so I did update my resume and move on to a new job. I couldn't handle the betrayal. Sorry this is happening yo you.

  32. Anonymous

    It’s work, not friendship. Set boundaries between work and personal.

  33. Debra Marie

    You are correct however it's a big part of where you spend your day and we are not machines or robots. We have feelings and pride and need to feel included. It messes with your psychology and is a threat to your well-being. It's hard to just become a machine and pretend you're just there to hold a pencil and do your job.

  34. Anonymous

    As long as you think this way, this will continue to happen. It’s not social time and it’s possible to have boundaries to avoid situations like this.

  35. Anonymous

    I really dislike when this happens, and I'm sorry you're going through it. I've experienced it myself several times. Years ago, I started a new job and felt completely isolated. Workplaces often have cliques, and it can feel like being back in high school, with certain groups being more popular than others.

  36. Anonymous

    Yes agree that this is common and the ‘mean girls club’ most definitely exists. I got a so called friend a job also and she betrayed me as well. So we try to exist in this environment but perhaps there’s something better for you. Don’t give up !

  37. Colleen Hanson

    One of the best employers I ever had strictly prohibited this type of behavior by ANYONE. If anyone was caught "gossiping" about another co-worker or being derogatory in any way, they were immediate written up. The company had a ZERO tolerance policy on what they called "Junior High School Behavior". The policy basically stated that you were now in a professional environment and would act accordingly. "Cliques", "exclusion of others", "gossiping" and "catty" behavior were big No-No's and any "Junior High School" behavior would result in an immediate write up. You got ONE write up and if it happened again you were terminated. There was one horrible female who constantly gossiped about others, she was also our manager, and the owner did not hesitate to terminate her after giving her a write up! It was seriously one of the most enjoyable, peaceful jobs I have ever had! Unfortunately I moved out of State and had to leave. I wish more employers would initiate policies that prohibit that type of behavior because over time, dealing with that, can drain a person mentally.

  38. Anonymous

    I just quit a job with this kind of culture! The office manager is leader of the inner circle. I was hired as WFH, but the company decided that we needed to return to the office 3/5 in February. Worst decision ever. When we started chatting, as one does, we learned about different observations we had made. It really changed for me when the content of a 1:1 with my manager was being shared with my colleagues.

    Office manager, general manager and a secretary hang out and do things together outside the office. My perception is that complaints would result in retaliation against my colleagues.

    I was able to get a new job.

  39. Anonymous

    To quote OP "I know how catty the group can be" then it was only a matter of time. This behavior shouldn't be a surprise. Your mentee may not even be the origin of their current behavior maybe THEY are in a weird position of having to choose sides in order to advance. This whole scenario with or w/o mentee's involvement sounds toxic.

    My advice - pay it no mind unless you feel like it's professionally interfering with you. Meaning your work or advancement. Keep ur head down and do ur work and heed the lesson.

  40. Anonymous

    You’re coworkers are not your friends.

  41. Laurie Swanson

    There is some great advice here. My advice might be harder to take but it has been a game-changer for me and is said with true compassion on how hard it is to feel like outsider looking in.

    Turn the mirror back on yourself. You mentioned that you know how catty the group can be. How have you been catty in the past? How might you contribute in ways big and small to excluding others in your life? What can you do to take a stand for no gossip and no back-turning?

    Not a work example but I have been in a community of women for two decades and we have all kept ourselves very clean when it comes to not talking about others or “distilling their personality” or labeling. Recently I was in a convo with another in the group and noticed I was feeling icky and then why. I was engaged in a convo about another person in group in a gossipy way. I immediately stopped the convo and said I had a question. I said, “ I am noticing that I’m not liking where this convo is going. It feels gossipy and unkind. It has me wonder what others might say about me. When I’m not in the room. If we are gossiping about them I know they have to be gossiping me. Would you be willing to share what others may gossip about me?”

    This is a very good friend. At first she was very uncomfortable and then she said there’s one thing that comes to mind and she told me that sometimes she and others can get bored when I’m talking about my business. They love that I’m so passionate, but they aren’t entrepreneurs like I am they don’t do coaching like I do and all my ideas and plans are interesting for about five minutes and then they want to move onto another topic. “ imagine how hard it was for her to say that to me but I totally got it and I said oh, it’s like when you start talking about gardening and flowers and then we both had the biggest laugh. We were crying. we were hugging, and we committed to telling the truth kindly and being open to receiving others truth. To not gossiping but taking the topic to the person.

    now, If i need to work through how and what to say to the friend or work colleague instead of gossiping or getting a others who are also close to the person to agree with me or even try to be impartial i take the topic to my coach, therapist or another neutral and unconnected party instead.

    I also take 100% responsibility for the relationship. I really can only change me and how I’m thinking about a situation so I focus on me becoming a better human and extending patience, kindness, compassion and love to everyone else. Hope this helps.

  42. Rebecca Milliken

    Without having read the other advice I will say this. Your boss is unprofessional to befriend subordinates. I'm not saying people should be friendly, but I always keep my distance at work. I limit socializing and generally stay away from close personal friendships with coworkers (there have been exceptions).

    My advice is focus on work and your job and try not to get hurt feelings about the social aspect.

  43. Anonymous

    Any person on here has probably been through this.

    Gossiping is a form of bullying. Any good leader would stop it immediately and certainly not engage in it.

    Take care of yourself, do your best, rise above this behavior, and set boundaries.

  44. Amy Miller, Psy.D. - Career Coach

    Look for a new job. Imagine you are dealing with mean girls in HS and you are a child you are stuck there and there is nothing you can do. You are an adult, so find a better place. And also, whatever it is you like about your job now, I wonder if that may go downhill too, as it seems these people can't be trusted to be professional or stay focused on the work.

  45. Amanda Haas

    People like those you mentioned hardly leave the job. It’s like they suction on and create this toxic environment over the threat of others. It’s sad. I’ve seen this happen before, and 10 years later those people are still with the company. And I thought that what if I stayed instead of moving on? Then I think about those 10 years and what I have done. It was a great perspective shift!

    When people do this kind of thing, it’s usually due to inadequacy and the offender will do anything to feel like they’re better than you. This is a great time to reinvest in yourself through education, skills, or hobbies. Or find a different job. Use this as a motivator to move onto something better!

  46. Suzuko

    Might want to check out employment somewhere else

  47. Anonymous

    This is why you keep work life and personal life separate. Lesson learned. I suggest you find a new job and don't make this mistake again.

  48. Anonymous

    You have to do a few things. You have to make sure you’re peace of mind is being protected until you can find other work. You can focus on your work and make sure it’s top notch. Then you can focus on planting treats within your day so you don’t feel so isolated when they shut you out. Make lunch dates with new people, go window shopping at lunch etc. anything to remind yourself that your success isn’t dependent on childish toxic relationships

  49. Anonymous

    If I can give any advice it would be to get out. Start looking. I wish I would have. I had a toxic boss and she hired another girl (we were all the same age. They became best friends and ultimately she wanted my job. My boss held out till lay offs were coming and she got rid of me (10 years) instead of the toxic trouble maker with one year of service. The difference was she kissed the bosses behind. I didn't. Start looking. I wish I had.

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