Do I go back?

Anonymous

April 28,2023 at 2:55PM UTC

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Do I go back?

Six months ago I left my role at a well respected non profit that I had been at for over 7 years. I had gotten a few promotions but they always felt like half attempts to satisfy me without actually fully promoting me and taking the work I had been doing off my plate. The company culture at my old job is toxic at times and unattainable levels of perfection are expected but after so many years I had been conditioned to accept it. Suddenly in September I found a new role at a new company that I thought was going to be a dream. I gave it a lot of thought and decided to take this new role with a significant salary bump and try something else. The new role has never been the right fit and recently my old boss reached out to see if I would be interested in a totally new role at my old company. I said yes but am now having second thoughts. Toxic company’s don’t change so what makes me think this role would be different? And I have some hesitations on whether I can actually do this new role. Thoughts?

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AnonymousApril 28,2023 at 3:30PM UTC
Well, desperation and compromise is not exactly the basis of great decisions.
I would take a breath and truly the consider the "opportunity " against the quick fix for a temporary situation. It's easy to return to the safe and well known and disregard the toxicity. But if the new role would nullify the challenges definitely consider what they actually put in writing. Remember, toxic environments are built by toxic leaders and can't always be trusted on any front so get all the details in writing.
Erin VegaApril 28,2023 at 4:48PM UTC
I have shared my story several times here so I will make it short and sweet.
I returned to a prior employer with empty and false promises that I knew would never materialize not only once but three times. The first time I left the company it was due to the toxicity and some reason I thought they may have changed. Nope the only changes were for the worse. Second time I was promised a new position with better salary. Didn't happen, toxic workplace fooled me again. The third and final time I was again promised that new position and the toxic micromanaging wife would be retiring. Wrong, not gonna happen and I don't ever see her retiring. The toxicity of this workplace was her and her need to be a micromanager. The final straw that broke for me was when I was tasked with finding additional avenues of revenue for the company. I brought my list to our meeting where she didn't even let me explain each resource that I had found, she stated that she didn't think that the company could handle anymore work. Alrighty then, I lasted another week when her husband the PM called me into his office on Friday afternoon stating that he had hired his hair stylist while getting his haircut at lunchtime, and so he thought my services would not be needed on Monday but that they would let me know. His new hire lasted all of two hours training with the micromanager. He must have been on drugs that day because he hired a hair stylist as an advanced bookkeeper who couldn't add two and two if her life depended on it.
My advice is to make a list of pros and cons but always remember why you left in the first place and trust your gut instinct. I know it feels great to feel as if you are needed as I felt that way all three times I returned. However, always trust your instinct and if are not feeling going back to the prior company, don't. Instead revamp your resume and get back out there on the market. Wishing you good luck in whatever decision you make!
Darlene MirtoApril 30,2023 at 12:14PM UTC
Yes, sometimes the toxicity stems from a single person micromanaging. Been there done that. The culture doesn’t change until that person is gone.
AnonymousApril 29,2023 at 4:29AM UTC
Once you leave a bad job stay out. Situations like that do not change, they just get worse. It is unfortunate that you do not like your new job, but if you stay there while you look for something different it will be much better in the long run. Going back to the old job will make you more miserable. I experienced this myself.
AnonymousApril 29,2023 at 5:23PM UTC
You now know both companies' cultures and expectations. Set up a grid where you can compare the two side-by-side. List the positives and negatives of each company, then count them. If necessary, apply a weight to each to make more sense.
AnonymousApril 30,2023 at 12:12PM UTC
I would compare this to breaking up with a significant other and then thinking of going back to them. You broke up for a reason (or reasons) that are still going to be there no matter how attractive it seems to go back. If you can compromise and live with them, well...ok, but realize THEY will not be the one compromising. They will treat you as they always have---maybe worse. Think back carefully on the original relationship and ask yourself if you really want to live with that long term.
AnonymousApril 30,2023 at 12:35PM UTC
For sure you have to focus on your self from contamination of psychological and physical and mental.
AnonymousApril 30,2023 at 12:37PM UTC
I came into my current job after a mass exodus due to toxicity. I had to think long and hard about taking the position. Why did half the staff leave in the matter of 2 months? However, I walked into an organization committed to change & becoming a great place to work.
I would ask them about any specific changes they made/are making to rectify the toxic environment. Then you can weigh whether it would be a good fit for you to return.
AnonymousApril 30,2023 at 12:42PM UTC
A leopard doesn’t change his spots. And a toxic culture at a company, unless it all stems from one person, doesn’t change in 6 months. I wouldn’t consider going back to a company that has basically strung you along for 7 years?! In a new role that is not defined? Huge red flag. Thanks but no thanks.
AnonymousApril 30,2023 at 12:47PM UTC
I would say that you need to ask yourself what your career goals are. It may be best for you to simply move on and try to find another job. If you are not happy at the organization, you will not be happy taking on new role.
AnonymousApril 30,2023 at 1:04PM UTC
I was in that position once before, I went back and managed to survive another 5 years but by the time I left again I had pretty damaged mental health, I lost focus on my family, and my health was in decline. I hated giving up the career I built there and leaving the people I cared about there and since leaving I realized I was the cushion for everyone else protecting them from the toxicity and they’ve lost me and it’s even worse now but I had to care about myself. I’m now back in the boat of my new place not being the right fit but I would not go back to my prior company again without very huge significant changes in leadership having taken place and a very large promotion and salary change and that wouldn’t happen, so I’m just on the hunt elsewhere now.
AnonymousApril 30,2023 at 1:14PM UTC
Don’t go back. If your new job isn’t the right fit, find another one. Toxic work cultures don’t change. They may tell you what you want to hear to get you back and make no real effort for it to be different.I understand that’s there’s a comfort in the familiar, but don’t do it. There’s a better opportunity for you out there.
AnonymousApril 30,2023 at 1:23PM UTC
It has been my experience if you left a work place for a specific reason such as toxic environments it doesn’t change , the culture doesn’t change either and everything that made you leave in the first place will still be there.
so the question becomes do you want to go back? And still live with all same conditions that drove you out in the first place?
when you say the new role isn’t the right fit what does that mean? The culture is bad? You don’t like work? The people you work with? Or is it just anew role at a new company anywhere everything is different ?
I recently left my old job after 5 almost 6 years of harassment and toxic bully boss and culture, my new job isn’t everything I hoped it was…,, but it’s so much better culture and so many more opportunities but I also feel a little like a square peg round hole, but it’s getting better, I think if you go back to the old job you should have eyes wide open ..,it’s the same place , same people , same culture, just different responsibilities is that what you really want? Do you dislike where you are so that maybe a new job would be better ?
AnonymousApril 30,2023 at 1:24PM UTC
I was faced with the exact same dilemma, except the promotions never came that were promised. I was offered a job with a huge salary increase and I took it. Two years later, I hated the job, and because the company was top heavy (over half the staff was a VP), they needed to make room for one more, and they laid me off. My previous job found out I was available and offered me a job with a compensation that almost matched what I was making before getting laid off, so I took it. I lasted five years there. I was put in the same position I had prior to leaving with the promises of “e we have big plans for you” only to be set up for failure because the company was in financial distress. The culture never changed there. The management never changed. You have to decide for yourself what you think you can bear. I don’t regret going back because I realized I deserved to find a company that truly values my contributions.
AnonymousApril 30,2023 at 2:05PM UTC
In my experience, most organizations are dysfunctional. We work for a salary and benefits to take care of ourselves and our loved ones. Some of us have more benefits at work than others (e.g. a supportive workplace). Always seek higher pay and better benefits. Invest and retire as soon as you can. There's life after work. That's what we should value most. The opportunity to live and be who we are outside of work.
Mary PoolApril 30,2023 at 2:08PM UTC
I would consider it. One advantage to leaving and coming back is that you can call people on their behaviors early on. We teach people how to treat us; if we nip the nasty stuff in the bud, we can live with the other stuff. Non-profits are notoriously known for unrealistic expectations. So figure out what you are and are unwilling to give and stick by it. Either you will need to leave (you need to find a new job anyway), or it will work out. At least this way, you will be looking for another position in a better bargaining position for a higher salary and broader job experience!
Gretchen SkalkaApril 30,2023 at 2:08PM UTC
I haven't read through all of the other comments yet, so please excuse me if this has already been stated, but does this feel at any point like a greener pastures dilemma to you?
Is the toxic, impossible-to-please culture not still exist at the old place? Or does that simply pale in comparison (and importance) to the frustration and seemingly broken promise of the new role at the new company?
The reason I ask is that all of those issues will continue in both scenarios, and so the question isn't whether one is better than the other because that doesn't get to the root of the challenge you're facing.
You can treat the symptom (frustration, not what you expected, etc.) but the root problem will still be there.
And so that brings you to the most important questions - can you identify the root challenge and do you have access to the resources to address it (in either place)?
Melissa HacheyApril 30,2023 at 2:13PM UTC
I’ve made the mistake of going back to old jobs because I was asked back and found out immediately that nothing had changed.
Where are your skills going to be most challenged?? And working in a toxic environment takes a toll on your mental and physical health!
AnonymousApril 30,2023 at 2:15PM UTC
When in doubt, do without. That ship has sailed.
Focused721350April 30,2023 at 2:22PM UTC
Good morning,
HELLO!!!!! YOU LEFT FOR A MAJOR REASON!!!! GO FORWARD AND NOT BACK!
Good Luck & God Bless, Ms. T ;)
AnonymousApril 30,2023 at 2:45PM UTC
This is what I call the Bad Boyfriend situation... You know hes a bad boyfriend for a 100 different reasons. So you break up. But when you're out on the big ocean of life without the bad boyfriend,. You start thinking fondly of the bad boyfriend in fact you miss him a little bit. You miss the comfort of the known even though the known was not any good at all. And then the bad boyfriend wants to get back with you and you? Agree. And you're happy for a little while but after a short time. , you realize that the bad boyfriend hasn't changed... I think your job dilemma is similar to this scenario... I speak from experience. Even though your new job is not ideal,. It got you out of a toxic environment.Stay put and put your chin forward and press on and work through the ocean of uncertainty... You may have to change jobs again but don't go back to the bad boyfriend in the first job.
AnonymousApril 30,2023 at 3:26PM UTC
I wouldn't go back. once toxic, always toxic.
Try finding a new job.
Crystal HowellApril 30,2023 at 3:45PM UTC
Have a heart to heart with owner about why you left. Negotiate a power position that allows you to make decisions, and clean out the toxic players. Match your salary and benefits. Stand firm, and leave if you have to. Good luck
Crystal HowellApril 30,2023 at 3:54PM UTC
Why not become the change!
They called you, and get it in writing.
AnonymousApril 30,2023 at 4:27PM UTC
I think you should sit your old boss down in a casual setting if possible and let them know how flattered you are that they want you back. I would also let them know that the role you moved into while interesting has been less than what you expected. Don't go into specifics even if pressed. Ask them why they want you back and then let them know some of the reasons you chose to move on, keep it as positive as possible without bashing. Let them know that you would like to come back but that you need a few things to include their commitment to your growth and overall well being. If they cannot assure you of this then it's not the right move. After 7 years in one place a change is often difficult as you have ingrained the standard from before about the work product. Sit down and write out what you need and run towards that vs running back to something that might be familiar but unhealthy for you. The reasons you left should guide you and if you can see a clear path to being satisfied by going back do it full force.New things will challenge you, and this might be what you need to stimulate your own personal growth.
AnonymousApril 30,2023 at 5:42PM UTC
I have been in a similar situation before. As I decided to move, I received an offer from a company in a role that I knew very less about and (I thought) was challenging to handle. Today as I have moved, I do not regret my choice. In my current non-toxic environment I have regained my spirit, health and my ability to tackle challenges head on. And I am thriving!
If the environment is bad, even a seemingly easy and familiar job can turn out to be difficult, whereas if the environment provides you incentives and a good work culture, trust me you can pivot in so many directions & be successful in areas where you never knew you had the ability to succeed.
Jen DyckApril 30,2023 at 6:16PM UTC
Change what you are saying to ex-husband or ex-boyfriend, and think what you would say to a friend talking about how they've changed so much, etc. Unless the company has a massive internal restructuring process, and has eliminated key toxic staff, you already know the answer.
Stephanie LekowskiApril 30,2023 at 6:50PM UTC
3 words: Voice your concerns. if you don't, and go back to your old firm and they treat you the same way, you'll very likely regret it. it's like getting back with a former partner; discuss what went wrong when you were together previously or it won't work again this time.
AnonymousApril 30,2023 at 8:57PM UTC
I returned to a former employer about five months ago. I'm leaving a link to a "boomerang employee" article by HBR, if it's helpful to think from a couple different angles.
There were toxic behaviors inside the workplace when I was there, but I knew a lot had changed since I was away. Many staff had turned over. I admired many qualities of the CEO, to whom I reported then and now as a "boomerang employee".
Similar to some of the posts here, I voiced concerns and asked questions about what had changed. I didn't feel 100% confident, but thought that the new role would be shielded from what concerned me.
Unfortunately, I've observed and relived most of the issues I was concerned about. It's been really hard to sit in my own pool of regret, and harder for me to accept that I couldn't see how the leader, whom I admired, was the source and enabled so many of the behaviors that were harmful to me.
https://hbr.org/2023/03/the-promise-and-risk-of-boomerang-employees
AnonymousApril 30,2023 at 11:00PM UTC
Use this current job as a jumping point. Especially if it's not toxic. Toxic doesn't change without a complete overhaul including the top. I've experienced it twice in back to back companies and while unemployed has it's own stress, my mental health away from them is invaluable
AnonymousMay 1,2023 at 1:02AM UTC
I know two prople who returned to wotkplaces they had willingly left. I have one friend who did this - he called it "unfinished business" - and he thrived for 4 more years, before going off into the sunset. His eyes were open constantly. I know someone else who did it, expecting the second time to be better, and it was disastrous. I think the difference between the two is that the first person wanted to prove to themselves that they were made of tougher stuff. They knew that workplace would not have changed, as was not disappointed. The second thought it would be all roses and, in truth, they found it worse than before.
You have your eyes open, so you are more like my first friend. If you go back, eyes wide open, and ready to navigate matters differently, then why not give it a go? If you are thinking it will be like a pair of comfy slippers, then take what you've learned from them and from your current role, and get yourself a third, new option that really suits you. But Not For Profits frequently have their quirks, and unrealistic expectations are very common, due to tight budgets, and high expectations are standard, due to better than average levels of education. If you want to avoid those characteristics, probably test any alternative NFP carefully before you commit yourself.
Bradford McCormickMay 1,2023 at 5:18AM UTC
I have not a thought but an example. I left a toxic place for what I hoped would be better and it didn't work out. The first place's manager took me back very clearly understanding I did not like it there and would leave when the opportunity presented itself. He would get good work out of me in the interim. We understood each other well. I may add, however, that he was a pretty decent manager in a pretty bad place.
Life is not fair. Do due diligence and do your best and that's all you can do. One thought: don't be "sentimental" about anything; hurting people's feelings is not the same as materially hurting them.
Narendra NayakMay 1,2023 at 5:54AM UTC
The same happened to me decades ago. But, I had resigned for my higher studies with the same institution. I joined back 4 years after that but in a different cadre. I worked than for 28 years after that and resigned to devote my time for my other work. Never to go back.
AnonymousMay 1,2023 at 7:20PM UTC
I would focus on concrete deliverables for both your current role and the new role at the former company. What, specifically, indicates success and to what degree is that success appropriately resourced? Then try to identify successful peers at both organizations and gauge to what degree their success is because of delivering and to what degree they are wickedly political. If you can’t identify straightforward successful peers at either org. then stop trying to fit and start looking elsewhere. If there are solid successes at your former place, consider returning if you think you could re-brand yourself in the new role.