Feeling repercussions of a hostile environment even after moving on.

33 Comments

1. AnonymousMarch 12,2022 at 5:10PM UTC

   Hi there. I've been on a similar journey; my last job had me working with some extremely hostile, toxic people who exhibited behavior I had never seen before in the workplace (and hope to never see again). There was a lot of backstabbing, people undermining each other, etc. Bullies were allowed to operate unchecked and if you ended up being a target of one of the well-connected bullies, there wasn't much you could do about it. I left that organization in late 2020, and now work for some genuinely nice people who know how to have respectful differences of opinion. People are treated with kindness and respect; people who are hostile or abrasive are managed out of the organization, etc. I have been with this company over a year and I still find myself sometimes wondering what people's agendas are, or when they're going to stab me in the back. Even though I've never seen that happen to anyone, so far. I think it just takes time to get distance from the previous experience. The more I am around healthy, polite, functional people, the more I understand just how bad my previous situation was. I am slowly letting my guard down. I do want to remember the lessons I learned in my previous experience - I should have left in the second week when I had someone I didn't even know berate me in a meeting for something I hadn't done. I am never going to stay in a situation like that again. All organizations are somewhat dysfunctional IME but people can still treat each other with respect. I wish you luck on your healing journey! We will get there eventually.

2. AnonymousMarch 12,2022 at 5:16PM UTC

   Extremely helpful to hear this and to frame it as the healing journey. I’m so encouraged to hear what helped you too! Thank you.

3. AnonymousMarch 12,2022 at 8:13PM UTC

   I had the same thing happen and wanted to sue but it wasn’t worth doing. I was so surprised at how unprofessional someone could be that had made it up the ranks, but I did find out that it was not just our department but a cultural issue throughout that allowed bullying and making a big deal over an insignificant mistake. Unfortunately work life is not always fair or professional and you don’t get to see true colors until you are already in the door. Close that chapter and let that memory fade into the background, start your next chapter and don’t look back

4. AnonymousMarch 12,2022 at 8:55PM UTC

   I would consider some short term therapy to help you unpack all the trauma you are holding onto.

5. AnonymousMarch 12,2022 at 9:49PM UTC

   I didn’t include that in the original post because it extends beyond the work issue alone, but yes - therapy is valuable.

6. Shawna ClarkMarch 13,2022 at 8:01AM UTC

   I'm so sorry to hear about the toxicity and consequential trauma you experienced at your previous job. That's awful! I agree with others that therapy would be helpful. However, since you're reaching out for guidance, and as a trauma warrior, I have a few suggestions I received from my therapist. First, it's going to take time to overcome the loss of trust and expectation you have for "the other shoe to drop." With more positive experiences, this will become easier. Second, if you're anything like me, it's common to catastrophize situations and think the absolute worst. There's an article on PsychologyToday that can give you direction on how to process this: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-face-adversity/201103/catastrophic-thinking

   Another thing I tend to do is assume everything is about me. For example, someone at work completely ignored me when I said hi, so they must be upset with me about something. If I don't catch myself early, this can take me down a rabbit hole thinking about what I possibly could have done wrong. The best thing I can do in these situations is get out of my head and consider other possibilities. It's easy to create stories in our minds that are completely contrary to the truth. Using my example, it's possible they didn't hear me, or maybe they were having a bad day and the best option for them was to not say anything. We never know what others are going through.

   More than anything, getting out of established patterns from trauma is hard. It doesn't happen overnight. Give yourself some grace and be kind to yourself. Parent yourself and keep your thoughts about yourself non-judgemental. You're welcome to message me if you want to talk more. :-)

7. Cheryl ParsonsMarch 13,2022 at 1:26PM UTC

   Thanks for your post.
   Unfortunately, you are not alone with this experience and posting will help others that have/are experiencing the same. Congratulations for leaving the toxic environment, sometimes we get so stuck in the environment that we begin to question our value --making getting out hard, but you did it. It will take time to put that memory in the right spot, a lesson learned! Whenever you start to feel or hear that inner voice bring fear or doubt into your mind, recognize it, give it a name and bring a positive thought from your current environment forward. Give yourself time to heal. I used journaling to get myself through, writing down when I started to feel the environment of the past creep into my day and it allowed me to recognize patterns and heal by dealing with those thoughts and feelings. Just a thought that helped me. Please take care of yourself.

8. AnonymousMarch 13,2022 at 3:36PM UTC

   I'm about to find myself in a similar situation. I don't have advice but I'm following closely. Working in a toxic environment -- much like an abusive relationship (because it is) -- is a slow boil, and you don't even realize the damage until you reach breaking point. It has measurably and significantly damaged my mental health, undermined my self-confidence, and resulted in professional stagnation. I'm struggling to pull myself out of it as I interview and recenter but the scars are there.

   Anyhow, solidarity. I'm eager to watch you come out the other side and rediscover yourself.

9. AnonymousMarch 13,2022 at 9:14PM UTC

   Solidarity and support to you too. I’m eager to use this forum to help me get to the other side.

10. Heather (she/her)March 13,2022 at 6:21PM UTC

    I had something very similar happen and it took me nearly a year to feel confident again. I just had to keep reminding myself that the new place wasn't like the old place, and thankfully the people around me kept reinforcing how much better it was so, over time, it got better.

11. Maggie TeliskaMarch 14,2022 at 12:16PM UTC

    It is similar to a bad breakup - took me years to recover after I left a very toxic environment. Swore I'd never do that again, only to find myself right back in another situation.

    I'm blessed to be at a wonderful company now and amazed at how they take care of their employees. This is how it is supposed to be - yet few companies realize this!

    Hang in there. It will take time.

12. AnonymousMarch 14,2022 at 12:56PM UTC

    You're lucky you wound up in a good company. In my line of work toxicity and game playing is the norm. So tired of always having to watch my back. Getting stabbed in the back is the norm. I'm exhausted and depressed at this point.

13. AnonymousMarch 14,2022 at 1:31PM UTC

    Yes I likened leaving a company I was with for a very long time to leaving an abusive relationship! It was hard to let go the years I had put into the company even though there was so much drama and toxicity. It’s taken about 5 years and a few other companies to find where I need to be, am respected and doing what I love. For a few years I mulled going back over and over because it was all I knew. We spend so much of our life at work that it can affect us greatly.

14. AnonymousMarch 14,2022 at 12:28PM UTC

    It takes so much time.

    I won't go into detail other than to say that chronic illness pretty much destroyed my career. As a result, I had to take several jobs that were highly toxic (we're talking minimum wage or even less for some contract gigs, hostile work environments filled with outright harassment that they got away with because they knew you couldn't afford to hire legal help and they could, etc.).

    I'm now contracting with a glorious organization. However, I find myself asking the same questions as before. "CYA" has become my buzzword — even though I know I won't be disparaged for a simple mistake, I'm terrified of making one. I'm also extremely hesitant to get close to any of my coworkers. I'm honest by nature, but I find myself always curbing my tongue, wondering how honest I should be. I hate going with a cold "I need off today" with no further explanation, for example, when I legitimately have a doctor's appointment — but I also wonder, "are they going to use my disability as a reason to let me go?" Yes, I know they can't legally do that. I also know, from bitter experience, that if you're an at-will employee with no money for legal help, they can come up with any plausible explanation for dismissing you that they like, and your chances of recovery, should you pursue legal action, are slim. It's more likely you'll set yourself up as non-hireable in the future because people will see you as "contentious" and "lawsuit-hungry."

    I hate that my experiences have left me bitter like this. I work with some of the most positive, beautiful people in the world — but I can't trust, either. I know that it's appropriate to keep some things to yourself in the workplace, anyway, but I fear simply being myself out of fear of reprisal. It's probably good that I've learned to be more cautious, but it also dulls my naturally bubbly nature and, frankly, makes me feel isolated. Not to the degree that I'm disengaged — I love what I do — but it does get lonely when you feel like you still have a target on your back given negative past experiences.

    I'm so sorry you're going through this, too. I just had to reply because you're so not alone. I hope sharing my experience made you feel that way and not bad in any sense. It wasn't intended that way — I just wanted to commiserate that yes, toxic employers can leave deep scars.

15. AnonymousMarch 14,2022 at 12:43PM UTC

    Does your current company have an EAP where you can call a 1-800 and they can provide some referrals for many things including some counseling. I suggest a few sessions of career counseling or even a few sessions with a psychologist or a licensed therapists. Some are free and some will require using your health insurance but even a few of them will give you a lot of insight and coping/moving on strategies. It is so worth it so as not bring baggage with you. it took me a while and with a few counseling sessions, I felt different and was able to become truly engaged in my new role.

16. AnonymousMarch 14,2022 at 12:52PM UTC

    Same. Work is where we spend a large chunk of our lives. When it's toxic and unhealthy it can create health and emotional distress. Just like kids who are stuck in a bullying environment. Give yourself grace. Time. Invest in self care. Prep yourself daily. This is new. These are not the same people. There are telehealth therapists for career and life coaching. Talk it out. Above all. Give yourself & others grace.

17. Dcre1977March 14,2022 at 1:15PM UTC

    I feel your pain. When people you give a certain amount of trust to stab you in the back, because they care more about their career trajectory than being a good humam being, it takes a long time to recover. I left my last toxic job 2/28/20 and still get sick to my stomach when my manager wants to have a chat, even though I have been very appreciated in my new role. However, it has gotten better, it is just when we suffer a trauma, we become hypersensitive to signs it could happen again. It is a physiological response, give your body time to recover.

18. AnonymousMarch 14,2022 at 1:19PM UTC

    Congrats on making a positive healthy move! I was previously in that situation and my best advice is to reflect on the healthy behaviors you now see. Write down what you observe as a means of wiring your brain for positivity and trust. It takes time to override the negative so be diligent, and as others have said, give yourself grace and kindness when you inadvertently default. Good luck!

19. Jr. RileyMarch 14,2022 at 1:27PM UTC

    I can empathize so much with you. I am currently seeking a new position to escape an hostile working environment! Well Wishes to you.

20. AnonymousMarch 14,2022 at 1:30PM UTC

    I left a toxic job in October to take a new role in a new company. This new company is a complete 180 from my old environment. It is tough letting go to protect yourself. But, don't punish your new coworkers for things your past coworkers did. Imagine how great your new role can be!

21. AnonymousMarch 14,2022 at 1:52PM UTC

    Omg!
    That sounds exactly like my old work place. I am sorry to hear that you went through this but totally understand. I am in similar situation. I left my toxic workplace about 6-7 months ago.i also had a toxic manager who did all the things you mentioned. I had the same fears too.
    I was so fearful of my yearly appraisal but blown away when I had postive comments, feedback and pay rise.
    i realised I was being too hard on myself.

    Here’s a few things that have helped me:
    have healthy boundaries between work and home life.
    Switch off /finish on time.
    do things you enjoy outside of work that help any stress or worries ( exercise, go for a walk, mediation, hobbies)
    build a healthy routine.
    use EAP resources if workplace offer those and speak to a therapist.
    its something I am considering again as the damage a toxic workplace can do to your mental health can be lasting even after you leave!
    i have found that with the few toxic colleagues I did encounter is to spend as little time with them as possible. Keep small talk to a minimum and don’t show any emotion or reaction where they try to get to you. It’s worked really well so far as they leave me alone more now knowing that what they are doing is not working!
    i have worked at a few toxic workplaces in a row now and my advice is if it does happen again move on sooner. But sounds like all ok there so far so stay positive . The fact you moved on to a new role and company is such a positive move in itself.

22. AnonymousMarch 14,2022 at 2:08PM UTC

    I left a toxic job situation 6 years ago and it took me about a year to stop regularly thinking about it. I kept a list of things I liked about the new job, which helped me see that the two jobs were not the same,

23. AnonymousMarch 14,2022 at 2:15PM UTC

    I also want to say that therapy is a wonderful way to move forward. I'm in it myself to recover and heal from a very bad work experience that happened to me in 2020.

24. AnonymousMarch 14,2022 at 2:20PM UTC

    You were so smart to get out quickly, so my first bit of advice is to recognize that your instincts are very good and you will be okay so long as you listen to them. It took me 12 years to finally listen to my gut screaming at me that my old job was awful for me. (The pay was excellent, and just like in any abusive relationship, they had convinced me my skills were not going to be rewarded the same way they were at the old job. They were so full of it.)

    I was thinking about that time just this morning. Working for my old boss was literally more traumatizing than my dad dying when I was a teenager. I met with a counselor who said that my anxiety and depression were clearly tied to my awful job, and she was right. When I left for my current job, my anxiety and depression were immediately improved and my blood pressure dropped back to normal, whereas before I once had to go to the ER for a dangerously high reading that was not resolving.

    I keep waiting for things to go wrong at my new company, even though so far people have been really great. But I think it’s akin to PTSD. I expect to be abused and some days I physically cower from expecting the blow to come. I haven’t cracked the code for how to handle that, beyond recognizing that I’m responding to a past traumatic event and giving myself a whole lot of grace to just back away for a few minutes and breathe.

25. Tamayla RossMarch 15,2022 at 8:01PM UTC

    I left my toxic job of three years and the result was high blood pressure and two miscarriages. People at my old job appear happy for the love of money. Meanwhile vacation time and time off is controlled by management.

26. AnonymousMarch 14,2022 at 3:02PM UTC

    I quit my toxic job 6 months ago. I was there for 2 1/2 years so I knew I was going to be carrying that trauma with me. My situation is slightly different because my roommate has worked for my new company for almost 3 years so I knew the culture and the company were top notch.

    I’ve stopped the everyday freak outs of preparing myself for the worst. Honestly that just took time, with a new healthy environment you will start to trust. What still gets me is when something goes wrong I go immediately into defensive mode. Everyone is different in how they move on and address their trauma but it does need to be addressed. Unfortunately if trauma is not dealt with you continue to live in that cycle and find ways to recreate it. The biggest thing for me is addressing my triggers. That has helped a lot identifying what causing me anxiety and stress and make a plan to handle it.

    Congrats on your new position and good luck on your new journey!

27. EMILY KIKUE FRANKMarch 14,2022 at 3:43PM UTC

    You're already doing some good stuff by simply being aware of it. If it's appropriate, you may also have a conversation with your supervisor in which you just say that your previous job was toxic and you're struggling to recover. The healing process can be a slow one, so find help where you can!

28. AnonymousMarch 14,2022 at 8:25PM UTC

    This is kind of a hostile and unhelpful response IMO.

29. AnonymousMarch 14,2022 at 10:34PM UTC

    Your story sounds similar to mine but I decided to take time off and work as a Consultant until I decide what's next.
    I am a bit hesitant to apply for another job because I don't feel like I have fully healed. I am trying to work through it and get to a better place. I just don't want a repeat of the toxicity. Sounds like that's where you are too, protecting yourself from it. There is nothing wrong with exercising caution. Give yourself some time to heal. Maybe you would benefit by getting some advice from a therapist or a support group. Also, self-care is very important for healing from the trauma. Best of luck to you throughout your journey.

30. Kellie ReedMarch 15,2022 at 3:41AM UTC

    Just allow yourself to ease into the group. Don't feel like you have to rush the natural relationships you will make based on your position. It is really difficult to move on psychologically but just make sure you are taking time to allow yourself to feel worthy. You got this!

31. Maegan MMarch 15,2022 at 12:23PM UTC

    hey anonymous,

    This is normal to carry your last experience into the new one, even if it is nothing alike. There are some practical things you can do consistently to look for & reinforce the GOOD aspects of your new company. The more evidence you build for yourself, the more you will be able to gain back your confidence so you can feel in control , fulfilled by your work, and valued by others. If you are looking for some 1:1 support with this, I'd love to share some details with you. Here's my link if you'd like to schedule a time! https://maeganmillercoaching.as.me/consultcall

32. E CMarch 16,2022 at 5:20PM UTC

    I left a terrible boss almost four years ago, and sometimes I still hear her verbal abuse in my head. agree with everyone who said it takes time to heal. One thing that helped me is to ask if there was anything valid in what she said. For a lot of it, the answer was no. In one situation, she was pointing out an area where I did have room to grow. I took that and used it. I just got asked by my new manager to take on a project specifically because of that skill. That is my proof for myself that I am better than she wanted me to believe. All the best to you.

33. AnonymousMarch 18,2022 at 1:19AM UTC

    I was in toxic work environment for 4 years. I still feel like I have PTSD from it.