Hi all, I'm kind of at my wits end and need some guidance/advice.

Anonymous

November 1,2022 at 12:25AM UTC

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Hi all, I'm kind of at my wits end and need some guidance/advice. I'm a female in software. I've been doing this career for over 13 years and primarily have been a backend developer. I feel like I have faced it all. Sexual harassment, misogyny, bullying, unconscious bias, ageism, sexualized, held back, credit taken for my work, you name it. I know that I am good at my work. The good male leaders in my life have called me "brilliant".

But I'm utterly exhausted. I'm tired for working twice as hard to get half as far. I'm frustrated with having other non technical females in IT say "I've never been treated like that". I'm such if trying to explain to someone what it's like when they have never experienced anything like this.

I'm starting to think I should give up and give in. I don't feel like my household can handle the pay cut given I make the higher income, but I'm not sure how much of this I can take anymore. In all the research that I've tried to do to find a company that can respect and value a female dev, I seen to come up empty handed. I'm feeling hopeless. And given my husband works in a field that seems to have an especially large number of attractive females who get respected at work, I struggle to counting to fight this fight in the IT world.

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AnonymousNovember 1,2022 at 4:05AM UTC
First, I am so sorry that this is happening to you.
In terms of deciding what to do: your health, happiness and personal well-being is paramount and that goes well beyond your paycheck. Before you do anything, take an inventory of how you are feeling, physically and emotionally and, if needed, see your internist for treatment. If indicated, you might want to explore some short-term counseling and possibly medication to help deal with any depression and anxiety that you might be feeling. Take good care of yourself (diet, exercise, fun) and don’t take your workplace troubles home at night. Use your time at home to relax and rejuvenate.
Next, you need to take stock of whether or not you want to stay in your current company and field. If you would like to move on, what would you like to do next? Are your IT skills transferable to a non-IT company with a better work environment? Or do you want to do something completely different, and what would that entail?
If most of your troubles at work have been gender related, you might want to consult an employment lawyer to evaluate your legal options. It sounds like you might be experiencing a hostile work environment based on your gender.
Below is a general legal description of what a hostile work environment is. (Note: I am providing this for general information, *not* to recommend this specific law firm. The precise legal standards relevant to you will depend on the state in which you live, as well as on federal law.)
https://hkm.com/washingtondc/hostile-work-environment/
If you consult an employment lawyer, look for the most highly qualified plaintiff’s side (ie employee’s) lawyer possible. Your first consult should be free. Cases are often taken on contingency (your lawyer is paid out of any financial award you receive from the employer.)
After you have evaluated your personal preferences about work and your legal options, you will be in a far better position to decide what to do. Your husband should obviously take part in your decision process. How do the two of you see your life path, what role does work play and what work roles might satisfy you?
Again, put yourself, your health and your happiness first.
Barb HansenNovember 1,2022 at 4:31AM UTC
I'm sorry this is happening to you.
I'm a startup tech leader and I want (and need) more women and POC in technical positions. My startup is not ready new hire developers but if I could I would, but in the mean time, let's connect on LinkedIn and FGB.
I am connected to other tech leaders and I'd be happy to connect you to a job that fulfills you and keeps you in the technical space.
I just had a thought. I know a great recruiting firm that just doesn't give lip-service to finding diverse candidates, they really work hard to find great places to work for women candidates. It might be worth having a conversation with one of their recruiters. DM me and I can set that up for you.
That being said, you need to take care of yourself and if leaving tech is best for you, I'm sad to see you go but your wellbeing is paramount.
My background:
I started my career in tech in my later-30s I think I had a layer of protection b/c I worked with men who were younger than me. For me it was pretty easy to put a 24 y/o in their place when they are in their first grown-up job and I already had lots of experience in business, in my career, and in my life in general.
Throughout my career, even with my experience, I've faced men who took credit for my work, dismissed me because of my gender or my age, interrupted me in meetings, and talked down to me because of my age (I'm now close to 60).
I'm a founder and CTO of a tech startup and I get men who explain my tech, workflows and business process to me. Men who know nothing about technology or my business will start explaining my business to me after a 30 minute conversation. WTF? It's exhausting!
Shelly EdwardsNovember 2,2022 at 1:41PM UTC
I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Have you been with the same organization for the majority of your tech career? Have you tried other organizations that may not tolerate this level of disrespect and flat out illegal behavior? I understand the desire to just cut bait and run, especially if your mental and physical health are suffering. You have to take care of you first. No paycheck is worth just really hating your life and career. Having said that, have you tried other organizations, perhaps female-driven organizations. I might also try researching any industry support groups for females in tech. Reach out to other women in tech on LinkedIn, such as Barb Hansen, the other commenter on this post. Network with other women in your industry who can, at minimum, offer support and perhaps be a gateway to a career in tech that would be your dream job. If you want to quit, quit and I'm sure no one would fault you for it. But if you really want a career in IT, don't let any man or other person with bad behaviour stop you from having your dream career.
KatNovember 2,2022 at 2:00PM UTC
Good advice so far. Don't waste your time working for people that treat you so badly and don't value you. See what else is out there. FGB is having a career fair for women in tech next week, so sign up for that if you haven't. I see lots of tech oriented jobs posted on FGB job boards. You can get an idea of what these companies are like by reading the reviews of women who work at them. Check out Idealist too, since it focuses on non-profits and companies with a focus on progressive values. Consider working as a consultant, as you'd be able to choose your clients and structure your fees based on your skill and experience level. Good luck. Hope you can find a better place to work soon!