Advice on how to gracefully say no to coworkers while retaining empathy and compassion?

Anonymous

March 17,2022 at 12:15PM UTC

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Advice on how to gracefully say no to coworkers while retaining empathy and compassion?

Kindness, compassion and empathy are sentiments that have come up a lot lately over the past two years. While it’s very important to me to embody these characteristics, I fear that saying no and not being agreeable 100% will make it appear otherwise. How can I maintain personal boundaries without seeming like a jerk?

It’s particularly difficult for me to say no to anything at work because I want to be a team player and supportive coworker. But I’ve learned that when I do that, I end up becoming a doormat.

I guess I’m asking for advice on how to gracefully say no to people at work when they ask for things that really put me out.

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Alexis GladstoneMarch 17,2022 at 12:47PM UTC
So funny you bring this up. I shared this on LinkedIn just last month based on conversations I was having with other women. There are some great templates to use/start from. Hope it helps. https://www.inc.com/jessica-stillman/productivity-meetings-time-management-emails.html?cid=nl029week03day21_2&utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Inc%20Must%20Reads&position=1&partner=newsletter&campaign_date=21012022
VictoriaMarch 19,2022 at 12:44AM UTC
This is fantastic, thank you so much!
Erin BeemerMarch 17,2022 at 12:59PM UTC
First, I think you have to be comfortable with the fact that it is okay to set boundaries and that can mean saying no. I think many women were conditioned to feel like they cannot set boundaries and must please everyone... but the fact of the matter is that it is healthy and necessary for YOU to do so.
To say no, you can simply say no, you are not able to support the request at this time. Whether you choose to explain more is up to you. Or in the case of your manager making a request, I recommend saying I can support that but in order to do so I need to move this project to someone else, etc.
It's easy to say yes to everything in the moment but I have seen this lead to not completing your own projects, to overwhelm/stress, and as you pointed out... doormat. Not suggesting you should never help out but knowing your own limitations helps you and arguably others in the long run.
VictoriaMarch 19,2022 at 12:44AM UTC
Great advice, thank you! You're right, no is a complete sentence.
KatMarch 17,2022 at 1:36PM UTC
Short answer-just say no. The more qualifiers or excuses you attach, the more room you leave for people to pressure you into saying yes. A simple "no, I can't, I have other plans" or "I don't have time to add another project to my list" is all you need to say. I know boundaries are hard to set, especially for women. We are conditioned from an early age to be quiet and agreeable. If we're not nice, we're afraid to be labelled a "bitch" or worry that no one will like us. Focus on your needs, not other people's. There's nothing wrong with that. You can be supportive and a team player without being a doormat. Be sympathetic ( sorry to hear that) but keep some distance (don't offer to take on extra projects unless your boss assigns them to you). If there's activities outside of work hours that aren't mandatory, say no ("I can't tonight, maybe next time") unless it's something you really want to do. Or suggest an alternative ("how about we go for Thai/Mexican karaoke/other sometime") but stay vague on specifics. It's still a no, but it gives you boundaries without sounding like you're being mean or not fun. Boundaries are healthy, especially with work. Technology has made it harder to keep those things separate, so you need to be firm with yourself on the value of your time.
Robyn WickMarch 17,2022 at 1:56PM UTC
When I learned to say no or to give colleagues (and my bosses) realistic deadlines, my professional life changed. I set the boundaries for when I'm available and when I'm not. (Unless it is an emergency, I'm done when I leave work for the night.) I have seen colleagues struggle when they didn't learn to say no and give boundaries. I'm a great employee because I am able to manage my time and capacity and be open about it.
Ayza FiguroMarch 17,2022 at 2:03PM UTC
Same. I have set deadlines and focus time every day. Whenever a new meeting comes up that I have planned activities already, I say no and just request to give me details on email.
AnonymousMarch 17,2022 at 3:08PM UTC
I think the best way to respect and enforce boundaries is to consider the opposite. What happens when you don't? You are viewed as the dumping ground, you are thought of as less, you burnout, you lose career momentum. Even though you teammates don't want to take advantage, they must be taught your value first as an individual professional and send as team player.
Team player means first and foremost you take care of yourself and your responsibilities. You do you job well, you come to work with positive energy and focus. This is hiw you grow, succeed and move ahead.
If you can't stand up for yourself and your responsibilities, you show everyone you are not up for the challenge and will allow the tasks to overwhelme you and eventually show everyone you can't be trusted to do what's right for yourself and 2nd the teM.
Your team is counting on you to be a strong professional. Not a yes person. Being a yes person doesn't garner respect.
AnonymousMarch 17,2022 at 3:32PM UTC
"I'm so sorry.
I would really love to help you, but energetically it wouldn't be fair to make that commitment because I'm already at my capacity with my current workload. If that changes in the future and I might be of help, I will be happy to let you know." This keeps you in the drivers' seat. If there is something small you can offer or help in some way, add, "While I can't do what you've asked, I CAN do..."
Christine JacquesMarch 17,2022 at 4:53PM UTC
All good suggestions for wording. Mine is to be concise: "I wish I could, but I [am already at capacity, have another commitment, have something personal]. Another time, maybe?"
AnonymousMarch 18,2022 at 4:51AM UTC
My suggestion would be to help when you legitimately can, while establishing solid boundaries for you/your team.
Your first priority must be your own/your team’s work, and it is legitimate to beg off on a colleague’s request if you/your team are full up.
To the extent that you can assist a colleague, do so with the clear caveat that your support is limited with respect to scope and time, and that it is contingent on your own work being complete.
It’s also worth mentioning that your colleagues’ lack of resources is an issue for the management team to resolve. If your colleagues need you to pitch in to accomplish their work, your competing assignments/ deadlines should be waived if you are to render support.
AnonymousMarch 18,2022 at 7:49PM UTC
Just tell them you have a full plate and thank them for thinking of you.